Shows
Everyone's A CriticEp 178: Determinism? Thank you.In today's show, Jess introduces the nightmarish Wheel of Wheels, we eat schnitzeled poultry at the Chicken Guy, and we go on a magical Food Network journey. The Food Network synergy was completely unintentional.
This, our funniest episode in a while, is under an hour! I genuinely don't know how we did it, given... all of it.
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Tw...2022-01-0558 minEveryone's A CriticEp 177: It’s Your Ass, ForeverMy favorite hyperpop album.
In today's show, Jess reads reviews for restaurants in North Dakota (???) and I bring a new recurring topic for the good times and the bad.
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Listen to the other great shows on...2021-12-291h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 174: Veganuary!In today's show, Jess brings a pretentious palate of brews, we read reviews for a vegan cheese shop, and Jess declares that it is, indeed, time to eat out.
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Listen to the other great shows on our net...2021-12-081h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 172: The Gobble Goblin ComethHappy 2nd Halloween everyone! We're not done being spooky yet, and Jess has proven that by resurrecting the dead! (Allrecipes, that is).
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I did...2021-11-241h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 170: The Jessica Does It EverytimeIn today's cursed program, rich people waste even more money, I get sweaty at the TGI Fridays, and Jess plays Burger, Braise, Best Friend with her favorite woodland critters.
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Listen to the other great shows on our ne...2021-11-101h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 167: The Sweet Release of DeathIn today's show, Jess does a Talk Shit, Bring Your Own Drag, and I bring reviews for raw cookie dough shops.
It's a spooky raw foods special, whether dough© like it or not!
Also, Community Night tomorrow! Twitch.tv/criticeveryone, 7:00 PST.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Pag...2021-10-201h 04Everyone's A CriticEp 166: Romaines of the BidetIn today's show, we again take a deep, nasty dive into Chipotle's wikipedia page, and Jess finds a new reason to loathe Trader Joe's.
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I...2021-10-131h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 165: Steve Combs Delivered My BabyIn today's show, we ring in the 12 weeks of Christmas, Jess takes us to the worst neighborhood on Earth, and I bring reviews for White Stuff™.
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Listen to the other great shows on our network: https://xraypod.com/2021-10-061h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 163: Let‘s Talk about Slacks! (Baby!)In today's show, J-bones debuts a sci-fi serial for no clear reason, and Jess debuts a recurring pants segment for *all* of the reasons.
We haven't skipped a week in 3 years and we're STILL TAKING CREATIVE RISKS?! POR QUOI?!
Community night this Friday @ 7:00 PST! Join us if you're bored! Twitch.tv/criticeveryone
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Tweet at us: @C...2021-09-221h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 159: Satan's Mike 'n Ike'sIn today's radically unhinged show, I bring reviews for Chiles, and Jess brings more booknook. Gotta hit the hits before the school year starts, y'all.
Also, a big shout-out to all my girls named Bruce.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Ev...2021-08-251h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 158: Terrarium of ShameIn today's show, Jess brings some delightful reviews for airport cheeseburgers, and I suck up the airwaves with a single trip report from TripAdvisor.
Additional music credits: Whoever did the trailer for Roland Emmerich's 2009 disaster film 2012. Probably Todd. Fucking Todd.
If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? That's our advertising for the moment.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Pag...2021-08-181h 04Everyone's A CriticEp 155: The Last Blockbuster on EarthIn today's show, Jess FINALLY brings reviews for the last Blockbuster in Bend, OR. It only took 155 episodes, am I right?
We also have reviews for candy cigarettes.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Page: https://www...2021-07-281h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 152: Skip, Skip to the TipIn today's show, Jess celebrates indoor dining by Eating Bad in the Neighborhad, and I bring reviews for British trash dumps. Literally.
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Listen to th...2021-07-071h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 149: Pineapple When It's *Most* FertileY'know, for when you're trying to have one.
In today's show, Jess celebrates every scholar with beer that tastes like "overripe peach nectar" and "wet wheat bread." Meanwhile, we take a trip to the only town named Peabody that has a pronunciation guide on Wikipedia.
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2021-06-161h 11Everyone's A CriticEp 147: Loose Security NippleIn which Jess brings reviews the Amazon's easiest to lose product, and I bring reviews for Liquid Death.
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Listen to the other great shows on...2021-06-021h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 144: Doing Actual Real EcstasyTONIGHT: We test Jess' ability to turn down cigarettes, read reviews about whole cities, and rebrand a very old segment.
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2021-05-121h 04Everyone's A CriticEp 142: Too Burrito to FailIn today's episode, Jess brings delusional reviews for Ferrero Roche, and I bring a seminal, show-defining segment about Chipotle's numerous plagues.
If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? You're our only hope to get our numbers going up again.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/...2021-04-281h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 139: Tiny Hedgehog BankerIn today's episode, Jess brings reviews for the world's largest rotating globe. We quickly learn that when some folks look up, they see the stars. Others, the space between them, and nothing more.
We also learn that Garmin is still turning a profit, which is cool.
If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.
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Yell at us: foreveracritic@gm...2021-04-0759 minEveryone's A CriticEp 138: Hot, Steamy PizzaIn today's episode, Jess explores the seedy underground market of DIY tattoos. And by seedy underground, I mean you can just buy a tattoo gun on Amazon. Later, Toni gets a call from a very special friend.
It seems like a decent chunk of our new listeners are sticking around. Thanks! Also, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.
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Join other listeners for TRIVIA BY TINA, this Friday (April 2nd): twitch.tv/criticeveryone
2021-03-3158 minEveryone's A CriticEp 137: Landscaper of Notre DameIn today's show, Jess takes us back to the capital 'D' Denny's, and I say some very incendiary things about seminal and beloved rock opera The Wall.
Hey if you're new to the show and sticking around, please tell a friend? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Fac...2021-03-241h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 135: Not My Precious Currency!In today's show, Jess explores Creationist museums in the UK, and we hear a post-apocalyptic love story every bit as good as Twilight.
Hey if you're new to the show and sticking around, please tell a friend? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Page: https://www...2021-03-101h 04Everyone's A CriticEp 129: Kissing in the DitchIn today's season premiere, Jess decides to Yelp It on a Mountain, while I take us on a much needed trip, JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS. :'(
If you're new to the show, welcome! If you enjoy the show and decide to stay, please share it! We love that stuff, and we love to hear from folks, too:
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Every...2021-01-271h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 128: When the Walmart Won't Cut ItJoin us for a wild season finale, where Jess brings reviews for everyone's favorite hot dog stand with a membership, and I drop some spicy thoughts on hot mushroom cocoa.
It'll make sense eventually. See y'all in SEASON 2! (aka NEXT WEEK AS USUAL!)
Hey if you've got friends, please tell them about the show! We love it like mad when you do that.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us: Face...2021-01-201h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 127: The Brave $300 ToasterWhat I brought for today's show was meant to blow down the house, but Jess's $300 smart toaster/affront to humanity steals the show.
Hey if you've got friends, please tell them about the show! We love it like mad when you do that.
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2021-01-131h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 125: Music for CatsIn today's show, Jess brings reviews for midwestern Applebees with 0 game plan, and I bring Music for Cats with every game plan.
A huge thanks to everyone who chipped into our ad-drive! It went far better than we ever expected, and the ad buy is already in the works. If you haven't chipped in yet and would like to, we're leaving everything open for a few more days.
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Allow conspiracies to fes...2020-12-301h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 122: Can I Nibble Your Patty?In today's show, Jess hunts for rare and exotic beans, and I get a call from an old friend.
Hey folks, we need help growing. We want this thing to be... good. Spread the word, reach out, we'll take any and all ... help. My plans for advertising have maybe fallen through, so *throws a ream of paper*. Anyway, we love y'all, and thanks for bein' you.
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Allow conspiracies to fester with us...2020-12-091h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 121: Christmas, Take the WheelIn today's show, Jess ushers in the holidays with reviews for bad tokens of good friendships, and I make a new segment when I could've simply phoned it in.
Hey, please let someone know about the show? It'd sure be great if ya did!
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Meanwhile, Jess has a bounty of reviews for foods pretending to be other foods, including and up to hamburger cookies.
We're proud of this one, and we hope you enjoy it and find some comfort this holiday, whatever that looks like for you.
Of the many new traditions for Second Halloween, one is giving where possible to indigenous/first nation causes. We've included a few options...2020-11-251h 14Everyone's A CriticEp 119: Well, It's No FudruckersIn today's episode, Jess brings a Hollow Earth edition of Go Yelp It on a Mountain, and a reviewer uses four exclamation marks and four question marks, interspersed evenly.
We LOVE to hear from people. Also, PLEASE spread the word about the show! It really helps.
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Listen to the other great shows on our network...2020-11-1857 minEveryone's A CriticEp 115: The Fun Thing About DemonsOn today's programme, Jess does a Halloween burgle of another one of my segments, while I get hot with the scariest of dogs.
It's a pre-First-Halloween Special Charlie Brown!
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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."2020-10-211h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 113: Warp 1, Engage!This one has a ten minute intro! I'm takin' us on a trip to Vulcan, Canada, and Jess has a delicious slice of Whoopsie-Bezie.
We're *so* tired but we're hangin' in there, and yooouuu can too.
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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy...2020-10-0755 minEveryone's A CriticEp 112: I Bleed GogurtGood Wednesday! Or Thursday! What day is it?
In today's show, Jess accepts her wholesome-core lifestyle, and I bring a new counterpart for the Belligerent Bibliophobe's Book Nook.
2020-09-301h 08Everyone's A CriticEp 111: Vungle ErrorHi! Is anyone else ever surprised by how fast our theme song is? It's slower in my head, every time.
Anyway, I did Click Me Baby One More Time (CMBOMT) for this one, and Jess has a BRAND NEW SEGMENT which is maybe our best new segment in a while.
Hi!
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Listen to the other great sh...2020-09-231h 03Everyone's A CriticEp109: Kombucha LiesToday we tour another delectable location with the worlds favorite food based enigma, Carmel Sandwich-Eggo.
Jess, on the other hand, thinks spoons are very interesting.
A lot of swearing in this one folks, proceed with caution.
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As Tommy W...2020-09-091h 10
Everyone's A CriticEp 108: A Beach Without SandOn today's An Atlas Obscured, giant fruit is back on the menu. Jess did it just for you. Let it be a bright, shiny reminder that good things can still happen.
Meanwhile, I brought reviews for a fan. My content serves no one.
Hey friends, please tell someone about our show! If you can. We love you either way, and I promise I'll get some merch going soon.
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Spread fake ne...2020-09-021h 07Everyone's A CriticEp 107: Gummin' Up the WorksIn today's episode, Jonathan does an embarrassing impersonation of the Yogscast, Jess reads reviews for the Marfa Lights, and a lone biker rips our parking lot a new one.
Hey friends, please tell someone about our show! If you can. We love you either way, and I promise I'll get some merch going soon.
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Listen to the oth...2020-08-261h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 106: Fun Facts with JessIn today's pod, we put a bit to bed, and bring a new bit into the world (and it's about board games, I mean c'mon, so choice.)
Also, here is a link to Garnet the pup's GoFundMe. Check it out if you can! https://ca.gofundme.com/f/Garnet-surgery
Hey, y'all are the best. If you wouldn't mind tellin' a friend about the show, we'd appreciate it all the way deep deep down. Or, reach out!
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Tw...2020-08-191h 09Everyone's A CriticEp 105: Second HalloweenIn today's episode, a duck tries to buy birth control, Jess proposes replacing Thanksgiving with 2nd Halloween, and we eventually go to grad school.
We also talk about the museum in Nowhere, TN that has pieces of Noah's Ark.
Hey, y'all are the best. If you wouldn't mind tellin' a friend about the show, we'd appreciate it all the way deep deep down. Or, reach out!
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Facebook us: Facebook Fan Pag...2020-08-121h 09Everyone's A CriticEp 102: Be the Change, DylanThe Grosser Green Grocer is BACK ON THE MENU, friends!
In today's episode, Jess takes us back to the Kroger, kickin' and screamin', and she won't even get us those limited edition Keeblers with the triple diple fudge in them.
Also, I FINALLY bring reviews for tea.
Hey, y'all are the best. If you wouldn't mind tellin' a friend about the show, we'd appreciate it all the way deep deep down. Or, reach out!
Hang out with us: twitch.tv/criticeveryone
2020-07-2258 minEveryone's A CriticEp 97: Dr. Illuminati and the Mile High GhostsIn today's episode, I explore the simple American joys of the drive-in theater, while Jess tackles the complicated and conspiratorial what-have-yous hidden beneath the eldritch halls of the Denver International Airport.
We also discuss a devil horse and its anatomical correctness.
Hey folks, we love new listeners, and word of mouth is the only game in town. If you like the show and know someone that might enjoy it too, let 'em know for us? You'll have our sincerest thanks. Or, just reach out; we love to hear from people for pretty much any reason. ...2020-06-1755 minEveryone's A CriticEp 96: Jeff Bezos' Special Internet MeatSometimes, I think our best episodes involve random restaurants and food off Amazon. Lucky for you, today's episode is *deeply* mired in random restaurants and food off Amazon. *chef's kiss*
Hey folks, we've been outta advertising options (and bubblegum) for a long while, and word of mouth is the only game in town. If you like the show and know someone that might enjoy it too, let 'em know for us. Or, just reach out; we love to hear from people for pretty much any reason.
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2020-06-101h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 93: The Junkyard AnniversaryIn today's show, Jess introduces a new recurring segment. I know, I'm excited too. My stuff is pretty like whatever you know it's like gross foods that people made and reviewed and like cheese and bacon and stuff. But when Jess has a new recurring segment, ALL bets are off.
Y'all are the best. We keep saying it, but it's true. We're gettin' that thing where are dreams are super vivid because we've been isolated for so long? It's not great. And look, I'm gonna be upfront with y'all. We could use more listeners. If you know...2020-05-2059 minEveryone's A CriticEp 92: Bill Belichick's Long Halftime WalkIn today's pretty long episode, Jess takes us back to the IHOB. It therefore doesn't really matter what I did because IHOB reviews always win all the time, especially when there's a perfectly good Denny's RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD.
Also, when you're not telling a friend about the show or leaving us a review, send us your football names! You can reach us at any of these places:
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Do yo...2020-05-131h 06Everyone's A CriticEp 91: Hotboxing to ABBAWOOF. Let me tell ya folks, we are glad to have this one out of the factory, on the sales floor, and out of our lives. What a right and proper mess. In today's episode, Jess pits chik'n nugs in a one-on-one cage match, while I find an excuse to rip used car lot jingles off the internet and put them in our podcast.
COMMERCIALS REFERENCED IN TODAY'S EPISODE:
L2T Media - "Ted Russell Nissan - If It'll Drive... It's Worth $8,500"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZum6giCOhw
West...2020-05-061h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 90: All Donnies Go to HeavenIn today's episode, we've got a new recurring segment inspired by a listener, and Jess takes us to Australia for another pointless gander at some BIG. THINGS.
A lot of folks have been sending the things that make them smile, and we've tried to respond to you in kind. Keep 'em comin'! Also, we'd love it if you could share this show with someone who might like it.
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The on...2020-04-291h 04Everyone's A CriticEp 86: Blue Eyes White JesusIn today's episode, Jess uses her big brain to make isolation fun, and I follow the advice of our loyal Midwest Whisperer. When combined, you get an episode that is perhaps a little desperate, but hangin' in there.
Hey, get in touch with us with the things that are making you happy! We're doing a one-for-one exchange. Like, if you send us a poem, we send you a poem. Or gif for gif. Game recommendation for game recommendation. That kind of thing.
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2020-04-011h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 84: 5 Heapin' HeinzfulsWhen bbcgoodfood.com entered our lives, we thought we had met a new friend. A new source of joy and myrth. Instead, our bullheaded curiosity merely unleashed a godless anger upon the world, a restless hunger that never sleeps. bbcgoodfood.com, the sower of madness, come from aeon's past to reap the souls of the innocent.
Meanwhile, Jess brings some tight reviews for Amazon's many eggcessories!
If you've got friends, then they might like our show. Hard to say, but we'd love if you told 'em. Otherwise, send us any funny reviews you find in t...2020-03-1858 minEveryone's A CriticEp 83: 877-TITS-NOWThis week, Jess informs us all that you can review local news networks on Yelp. I know, I know. Baffling. But it does invite all sorts of fun discussions about JG Wentworth and, apparently, breasts.
Meanwhile, I bring some reviews architecturally distinct McDonalds, and I still don't remember why I settled on that topic.
If you've got friends, then they might like our show. Hard to say, but we'd love if you told 'em. Otherwise, send us any funny reviews you find in the wild, or simply say hello:
Facebook Fan Page: https://ww...2020-03-111h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 79: Drunk Shop for SlotdogsY'know, I think Jess's topic says it all: pirate-themed miniature golf courses. I mean, come on. There just isn't anyone else on the internet churning out this kind of top-tier content. Plus, as a bonus, you also get a vegetarian prattling on about hotdog accessories.
WHAT MORE COULD WE POSSIBLY OFFER BUT OUR VERY SOULS THEMSELVES.
Listen, if you've got friends, then they need our show. We're the Turboman doll they never got from THEIR dads. Otherwise, get in touch with us, or drop us a review somewhere. We'll be posting pics related to today's e...2020-02-121h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 78: Luigi's Hawaiian CalzonesTONIGHT, on Kitchen Nightmares! Gordon Ramsay heads to Southern California, where he meets two brothers who can't STAND to be around each other, and a wife, no one can stand to be around!
More importantly, Jess has reviews for America's corniest roadside attractions, and she FINALLY gets to talk Trek. Time for you to do what no Starfleet Captain ever could: buckle up.
Listen, if you've got friends, then they need our show. We're the Turboman doll they never got from THEIR dads. Otherwise, get in touch with us, or drop us a review somewhere. W...2020-02-0557 minEveryone's A CriticEp 76: Big Bready BabyThe daily nutritional values on this episode are frankly pretty abhorrent. The FDA may have to come down and regulate this one. Some day. Once they figure out the whole ketchup = vegetables thing that Reagan done did.
Until then, Jess has reviews for everyone's favorite greasy meal, and I do a town named after everyone's favorite kind of carb. Real two for one big egg, today.
As a favor to us, please consider tellin' someone you know, like, or even like like about the show. Also, if you haven't reviewed us yet, we would love i...2020-01-221h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 75: The Ep That Wouldn't DieIn this one, I struggle with sickness, Jess struggles with life, and our apartment struggles with electricity. If you're a new listener, Ep 74 was pretty dope. Like not top 10, but close. Maybe start there?
For the rest of you, this one's got some hot Go Yelp It on a Mountain action, and I bring a whole new segment about capitalism. It's only my 5th or 6th one.
As a favor to us, please consider tellin' someone you know, like, or even like like about the show. Also, if you haven't reviewed us yet, we would...2020-01-151h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 74: Big Trouble in Little Chili'sThat's right, I did Chili's again. And I feel very defensive about it for no good reason. Don't even look at me right now. Just say I did good.
Meanwhile, Jess brings some deliciously privileged reviews for the JFK Center and Wolf Trap, and one totally fine review about cornhole.
As a favor to us, please consider tellin' a friend, loved one, or co-conspirator about the show, or drop us a review. We love that stuff. You can also get at us here:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
T...2020-01-0854 minEveryone's A CriticEp 73: The Big MangoWe originally wanted to title this episode "Take No Threats as Bluffs." It's 2020 ya'll, and this time, everyone means it, every time.
In today's episode, Jess takes us on another super-sized roadtrip Down Under, while I get the new year started with some all new bits.
As a favor to us, please consider tellin' a friend, loved one, or co-conspirator about the show, or drop us a review. We love that stuff. You can also get at us here:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
f...2020-01-011h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 72: You Were Right, Charlie Brown!It's December 25th, and you know we're bringing our twisted brand of Adult Swim humor to the joys of the holidays. Jess takes us on another tour of the Pious Parent's Museum of Moving Pictures, and I, y'know, do some holiday stuff. We think the world of ya'll, and we hope you've found some warmth and happiness, whatever that may be.
As a gift to us, please consider lettin' someone know about the show! Word of mouth is the best Amazon gift card money can buy. Otherwise, COME TALK TO US. We could use the company:
2019-12-251h 09Everyone's A CriticEp 71: Brontosaurus 2020Look, I'm not going to mince hairs are about this one. Book Nook, Gordon Ramsey, Candidate Dinos: All in one. You lookin' for trouble? We got trouble. We got that just-now-shipping-our-Christmas-gifts trouble.
Hey if you're enjoying the show, please tell a friend! We're a great listen for travelin' folks.
Otherwise, JOIN THE CONVERSATION (about peach stuff)! Jonathan tries to be relatively active with folks on Twitter, and Jess is talkin' to fans on the Facebook:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
foreveracritic@gmail.com
2019-12-181h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 70: Peaches Look Like ButtsThis may be our worst title to date, but like the heat death of the universe, it felt like an entropic necessity, a supermassive gravity. Kinda like the gravity of a thick-ass peach, you might say.
In today's episode, Jess reads some reviews for fake chip recipes, while Jonathan takes us on another craveable trip across America.
We love our silly little 'cast, and if you like it too, please tell a friend, especially if they're famous!
Otherwise, JOIN THE CONVERSATION (about peach stuff)! Jonathan tries to be relatively active with folks on T...2019-12-1156 minEveryone's A CriticEp 69: Cuffs, Drugs, and Spencer's GiftsHeeey folks! It's our 69th episode! Nice.
In this one Jonathan explores some of the less savory items you can purchase on Amazon and have delivered right to your door. Jess takes a more innocent approach by checking in with what local teens might purchase at a shopping mall. Because local teens are into glassware and novelty talking buttons. Kids these days!
We love our silly little 'cast, and if you like it too, please tell a friend, especially if they're famous!
Otherwise, JOIN THE CONVERSATION (about 69 stuff)! Jonathan tries to be relatively ac...2019-12-0450 minEveryone's A CriticEp 68: Talk Turkey, Get GobbledIn today's bird-centric episode, Jess reminds us all of the true meaning of Thanksgiving: mercilessly dunking strangers on the Food Network website. Meanwhile, I introduce A Tale of Two Turkeys, a story as old as time of conflict and tension between the have meats, and the have not meats.
We want to get our show into more drums, and for just pennies a day, you can make that happen by simply telling a friend about the show.
Otherwise, check us out on the internet! We love to get reviews from fans. I try to be re...2019-11-271h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 67: Frog Giggin' with Howard SchulzAll I want to do is talk about how strange today's episode is, but I can't honestly say it's much stranger than usual. So here's today's totally on-par episode, where Jess, during her reviews for airport Starbucks, somehow confirms that she did NOT "gig" the frogs. Also, I get a bit personal and talk haircuts.
We want to get our show into more drums, and for just pennies a day, you can make that happen by simply telling a friend. Word of mouth, friends.
Otherwise, check us out on the internet! We love to get re...2019-11-2053 minEveryone's A CriticEp 66: NOT a People HaterToday, good friends, we return to a particularly Belligerent Bibliophobe's Book Nook. And sure, Jonathan also takes us through reviews for some more mobile adaptations of classic PC games, but let's be real. We're all here for that tasty Nook, even if it gets a little Paula Dean Ravine at times.
We love our silly little 'cast, and if you like it too, please tell a friend, especially if they're famous!
Otherwise, JOIN THE CONVERSATION (about nothing)! I try to be relatively active with folks on Twitter, and Jess is talkin' to fans on the F...2019-11-1357 minEveryone's A CriticEp 65: Chicken, AlaskaThis episode contains lengthy discussions about panties, the dreaded 't' in 'panties', and the thermodynamics of putting panties in a cannon. NONE of this was our idea. Instead, please send your complaints straight to the mayor of Chicken, Alaska, who, if we're being realistic, is probably a moose.
Meanwhile, Jess reminds us all that snake oil is alive and well. Especially on Amazon.com, where rules are for the weak.
We love our silly little 'cast, and if you like it too, please tell a friend! Especially if they're famous!
Otherwise, JOIN THE CO...2019-11-061h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 64: Everyone's a CryptkeeperBWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Prepare thineselves, steel thine nerves, gird thine irons, for the spookiest, the creepiest, the most horrible reviews to ever be heard by mortal ears! Beeradvocate turbo dorks! Sandra Lee's twisted creations! Annoying thundertubes! Wow!
We love our silly little 'cast, and if you like it too, please tell a friend, especially if they're famous!
Otherwise, JOIN THE CONVERSATION (about nothing)! I try to be relatively active with folks on Twitter, and Jess is talkin' to folks on the Facebook:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www...2019-10-3059 minEveryone's A CriticEp 63: Go the Glaze, DefinitelyWe haven't heard from the Fresh Prince of Subway in a long time, and for good reason. He said some real weird shit on Twitter. But his German cousin, the Duchess of Dunkin' is way cooler, and so is Yelp's translation engine.
Meanwhile, Jess ensures that we ONCE AGAIN parody the VERY well-known NPR show On Being with Krista Tippett. It's a joke that totally isn't for me personally. You're all in on the bit. Right? Please clap.
We love our silly little 'cast, and if you like it too, please tell a friend, especially i...2019-10-231h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 62: A Streetcar Named VeganLook, we've knocked vegans and vegan recipes in the past for no good reason. I feel bad about that. Veganism is choice as hell, and I'M glad for it. Jess might have her own vicious opinions about missing "binders" in pancake batter, but who needs those?! You've got each other, and me, because I like you.
On the plus side, my segment knocks Jess on her ass way harder than I expected. Real heavy content warning on this ep; lotsa salty language bein' used in the Bay.
Folks, we'd love to keep this thing growing...2019-10-1658 minEveryone's A CriticEp 61: Gimli's Tasteful SideboobATTENTION HEADPHONE USERS: We're trying to make our podcast as loud other podcasts, so episodes going forward will be louder than normal. If you or a loved one has listened to this podcast with headphones and experienced ear damage, call the law offices of J. R. R. & Tolkien. We can get you the sweet, sweet cheddar you deserve.
In today's episode, I reveal the awful show I've been watching lately and base an entire segment on it, while Jess takes us to the Parent's Guide on IMDB, where all the totally stable folks go. Times are very...2019-10-0959 minEveryone's A CriticEp 60: What Would Jesus Don'tWell friends, we may be witnessing a generation's worth of downward spiraling, but even THAT will not stop us from uploading our weekly crapshoot. That being said, we feel rather chuffed with this top-tier episode.
Today, Jess talks kitschy box signs and the weird-ass things they say, while Jonathan introduces us to the one-and-only Casa Bonita, and the weird-ass things people say about it.
Folks, we'd love to keep this thing growing, and word of mouth is the only game in town right now. If you can, please tell a friend or loved one about t...2019-10-0256 minEveryone's A CriticEp 59: These Mountains Have Great FeaturesIn today's episode, Jess takes us back to our most soul-draining segment, and I storm the Amazon Pantry with a really questionable agenda. Also, I make some fun Amy Klobuchar jokes in this one, and they are VERY fun, but now is maybe not the best time to be crackin' like any jokes about any dems? So like I get that, trust me, and I AM sorry... but she does also throw things at her staff, so...
If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, help us build o...2019-09-2555 minEveryone's A CriticEp 58: We Need Pizzalord!It's 2019, and it's been our time of need for a good 3 years now. We need a carbo-loaded hero, full of greasy mozzarella, who can hoist our broken selves back onto our feet. Therefore, where in the FUCK is Pizzalord?!
In today's calorie-dense episode, Jess takes us to Pizzalord's favorite Canadian jail hostel, while I explore all the ways AllRecipes users are making a mockery of the good PB.
If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, help us build our internet cred instead:
Facebook F...2019-09-1856 minEveryone's A CriticEp 57: Real Ghosts Love MissionaryIn today's Spooktember Special, Jonathan tells tales of terrifying tours, while Jess reads reviews for the lord's one true slaw.
We may or may not be losing our shit a little bit.
If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, help us build our internet cred instead:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
foreveracritic@gmail.com
You can find a list of our recommended episodes on both Twitter and Facebook!
2019-09-1158 minEveryone's A CriticEp 56: The Ikea ContinuumBefore there was time, before there was anything, there was nothing. And before there was nothing... there was Ikea. In today's episode, Jess realigns our molecules until we're ever-so out-of-phase. Meanwhile, I explore reviews for Rollercoaster Tycoon's mobile mistakes and become pretty emotional.
A normal episode, then.
If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, help us build our internet cred instead:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
foreveracritic@gmail.com
You can find a...2019-09-0458 minEveryone's A CriticEp 55: Todd's Used HotdogsIn today's toasty episode, Jess reacts LIVE to the crimes of the hotdog toaster. You won't get uncut emotions like this on any other podcast. Except for Beautiful Anonymous, needless to say. Later, Jess then drags us back, VERY MUCH kicking and screaming, to the Grosser Green Grocer.
Also, for today's episode, I'm experimenting with skipping the noise reduction that I usually run on our audio. This means more background hiss, but hopefully more natural-sounding voices. Please do me a favor, and let me know what you think:
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
Facebook Fan Page: ht...2019-08-2857 minEveryone's A CriticEp 53: The Big BananaIn today's episode, I take us on a trip to a listener's home town, and Jess brings us the big news from the down under. This one's got big dudes, bigger bananas, a ski resort called Pine Knob, and a little dollop of Cat's Content, just for good luck.
The audio quality on this one is a bit of a wild ride, especially in the first half. I huff into my mic a fair amount, which I know bothers some folks like myself. BUT I think I fixed most of it for our next ep? It's impossible t...2019-08-141h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 51: Sittin' on the Taco BayToday's episode features an unspooled Mr. Fantastic, onion-free tomato sauces, quesadilla tummy sickness, and 5lbs of ground meat. Jess drags out an old, fan-favorite segment, and I return to an almost certainly over-done segment. No, not the Subway one. The other one.
We love our little podcast family, but we'd like to see it become a not-so-little podcast family. If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, help us build our internet cred instead:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone2019-07-311h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 50: CATS (and also reviews)We weren't going to make our 50th episode a big celebration. 50 means NOTHING. Then the Cats trailer came out, friends. The Cat trailer came to us all in the night.
Also in today's episode, Jess talks Teddy Bears, interrogates me on my childhood stuffed animals, and reveals a dark secret about her younger brother. Later, I take us back to Where the Wild Things Are ... Caged.
We want this podcast to find more folks who could use it. If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, h...2019-07-241h 08Everyone's A CriticEp 48: Angry Chocolate MonsterIn today's episode, we're bringing that good sickness energy your way, as well as all the audio woes that come with it. Jess takes us on a world-class vitabinge of Amazon's best supplements, while Jonathan gets down with some dippables.
We want this podcast to find more folks who could use it. If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with your friends! If you have no friends, help us build our internet cred instead:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
foreveracritic@gmail.com
...2019-07-1055 minEveryone's A CriticEp 47: I Love Pizza DinkFolks, recording this one was a real adventure. But we got through it with our Pizza Dinks intact.
In today's big 4th of July Blast-Off, Jess talks birthday cakes, and Jonathan gets hot with the dogs.
If you're enjoying the show, please consider sharing it with a friend! If you have no friends, you can help us build our internet cred instead:
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
foreveracritic@gmail.com
2019-07-0359 minEveryone's A CriticEp 46: Go Yelp It on a MountainIn today's episode, Jonathan sings out of key, Jess gives a mountain 3 stars, and the neighbors throw a noisy pool party.
If you're enjoying the show, do us a favor and don't keep it secret. Let someone know! Especially if they're a celebrity.
Find us on Facebook, Everyone's a Critic, follow the lemon.
https://www.facebook.com/Everyones-a-Critic-2327696304154655/
Twitter: @CriticEveryone
foreveracritic@gmail.com
2019-06-2654 minEveryone's A CriticEp 45: God Bless ErickaWe all know folks in the service industry work entirely too hard. But when you're the sole cockswain on the sinking ship that is the Manhattan Transit Authority, you become a legend: Ericka, patron of tubes, keeper of metro cards, slayer of delays. We all love Ericka.
Also in today's episode, Jess tackles what it means to be chicken soup, and how you can too.
We now have a Facebook group! Find us at Everyone's a Critic with Jess and Jonathan. It's the one with the lemon.
2019-06-1957 minEveryone's A CriticEp 44: Long Island Iced BaconIn today's episode, Jess ushers in a bacon-wave of the future, while Jonathan takes the family out for SoCal's finest quesadilla salads.
It's the only way we know to say thanks to all of our new listeners. We hope you stay tuned for many a bacon-wave to come.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Outro: Jahzzar - Green Lights
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Jahzzar/Tumbling_Dishes_Like_Old-Mans_Wishes/Green_Lights
An...2019-06-1256 minEveryone's A CriticEp 43: Sparrin' with PapaThis week, we're rolling out the red carpet for some new listeners and announcing the Month of Only Good Intros! Only the toppest-tier intros for your ears, comin' at you hot n' ready like a Little Ceasars Impossible Pizza.
Also in today's episode, Jess drags us by the nose back to the Belligerent Bibliophobe's Book Nook, while Jonathan gets dangerous with some medieval weaponry.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Outro: Jahzzar - Green Lights...2019-06-0558 minEveryone's A CriticEp 42: Moonlight BayIn this week's episode Jess takes another hard look at the concerning things people do with their graduate degrees, and Jonathan plays a dirty rotten trick.
If you like what you hear tell a friend! Tell two friends!
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Outro: Jahzzar - Green Lights
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Jahzzar/Tumbling_Dishes_Like_Old-Mans_Wishes/Green_Lights
And our theme song: Steve Combs - Drag Cha...2019-05-2956 minEveryone's A CriticEp 40: Taste the MayoIs that title really relevant to today's bangin' topics? Nah. But it does sound like that famous Mike N Ikes slogan, which is a very funny thing. We had a board meeting and agreed that it's very funny.
In today's episode, I plunder AllRecipes for it's peanut butter perversions, which happens to be Jess's least favorite food in the universe. Meanwhile Jess takes us down a beany path that we may never truly escape.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music...2019-05-1555 minEveryone's A CriticEp 37: Wild Baby Mountain GoatsVast and vibrant vistas. Crisp apple air filled with the sound of horny birds. There's a lot to love about our glorious American mountain tops. But the worst part? That one asshole hiker, who treks all over Mt. Shasta, checking their cell signal every 2 seconds, waiting to finally post their 1 star review on Trip Advisor: "MEH. I've had better."
That's the dark place Jess decided to take us. Also in today's episode, we rediscover Subway's old corporate slogan: You Only Get One.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker...2019-04-241h 03Everyone's A CriticEp 36: The Jackass FactoryWell bless our mess because in today's episode, everything is made up and the points don't matter. Meanwhile, Jess takes us back to her nasty, bibliophobic book-nook for a quick look at how NOT to help yourself.
At 3 minutes over, this might be our weirdest episode yet. In a good way. We're really proud of this one.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Outro: Jahzzar - Green Lights
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Jahzzar/T...2019-04-171h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 34: The March Gaming SpecialThat's right friend, this time we're intentionally bringing you a congruent collection of the hottest reviews of gaming culture. Jess talks Game Stop and the creeps there-in, while I take us a plosive-filled trip down memory lane.
We've already recorded Episode 35, and let me tell ya, it's a real hoot'n-a-half. We may be slowly losing our minds as our jobs quickly escalate into sheer untenability.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Outro: Jahzzar - G...2019-04-0359 minEveryone's A CriticEp 32: Chef John's Weird BallsMore and more, with every episode we record, we find ourselves amazed by the treasures that lie inside AllRecipes helpful and completely functional website. And what greater treasure is there then the chickeny goodness of Not Chicken. In today's episode, Jess introduces her new, cage-free segment, Impostor Syndrome, where we dig deep into all the ways a simple vegetarian recipe can go horribly awry.
Meanwhile, I take us back to the Amazon Pantry to stock up on a few essentials: cheese dip, and super special tap water.
Because we all drink water. We have to....2019-03-2051 minEveryone's A CriticEp 29: The Occasional TraditionalistWarning, this episode contains graphic discussion of dead recurring segments. It's tragic and sad, especially when we do it to our own barely listened to podcast, but someone has to talk about it.
But don't worry, Jess keeps the show going with dope reviews for hotels in Arkansas and polite reviews for Taco Bells in Canada.
And at an extremely sensible and listenable 48 minutes, why would you not listen to this one AND tell your friends to listen please too thank you we both work so hard all the time and our bones hurt real bad. 2019-02-2747 minEveryone's A CriticEp 27. Mr. Food Network SouperBowl Smash OffWell folks, the Patriots might have destroyed their compitetion this year, but no where near as badly as Trisha Yearwood and her friends at the Food Network will destroy your Big Game get-together!
That's right, this week, Jess and I coincidentally (and unsurprisingly) both did Big Game related topics. We've got Beergaritas from Sandra Lee, dry balls from Trisha Yearwood, and sexy brownies from Rea Drummond.
Is it timely? Hell no. But hey, this year's Big Game was basically a wash anyway.
And at a first-downing 55 minutes, we're way less tedious than actual fo...2019-02-1354 minEveryone's A CriticEp 25: The Carl's Jr. Ranch TaxIn today's episode, no thanks to Jess, we learn a little too much about my checkered past with a certain salad dressing. And before that, she decides to introduce the great sound of confetti sprinkles to our already dying podcast. This is apparently the episode where I do penance for all of my recurring segment sins.
Also in today's episode, I introduce a new recurring segment.
But hey, that 50min runtime sure ain't no sin, no sir no way.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Mo...2019-01-3050 minEveryone's A CriticEp 23: Slow Cooker PizzaAirports bring out the worst in us. They charge us $10 for a beer, throw us on a conveyor belt, and ask us to take our shoes off in public. Thus, you know we *had* to take another look at the poor saps trying to get their last coffee in Earth before they fly out of Dulles. Because we're nasty.
Meanwhile, we attempt to talk pizza. But when Jess decides to defend Allrecipes, things get heated.
And all at a barely-made-it 59 minutes, no less!
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': G...2019-01-1659 minEveryone's A CriticEp. 22: Just the TopsWell folks, we talked about the podcast a lot yesterday. Did a bit of editing. Never once realized we missed our upload.
On today's episode, Jess finally talks some serious shop. Like, some seriously serious shop, with the Baker's Edge Brownie Pan. Because who doesn't want a little more edge these days?
Also, we politely request our money back money back money back money back ribs.
And only at two minutes over. Damn it.
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
h...2019-01-101h 01Everyone's A CriticEp 19: John's Pretty Okay Salad Bar CompanyDon't you hate it when you buy your soap in bulk from the CostCo, and you scrubadubdub all the soap away and now you've just got this big box and you're like, what am I gonna do with this big soap box?
Anyway, I passed a pizza and games chain and it made me ranty. In other news, Jess brings the funny with her reviews for frito pie (with Wolf Brand Chili) and LaCroix (sp?).
And at a stodgy, shitty 5 minutes over. I blame capitalism.
Music used in this episode includes:2018-12-191h 05Everyone's A CriticEp 17: The Hautest of DawgsYou thought you'd had enough dogs. But AllRecipes' appetite for dogs can never be sated. Its ambivalent eye always forever roams the horizon, seeking new ways to devour some emulsified pork.
On a happier note, Jess talks sweet tea, the South's love of sugar, and deodorants full of plant stuff. Classic.
And at a satisfying 56 minutes, no less!
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Outro: Jahzzar - Green Lights
http...2018-12-0556 minEveryone's A CriticEp 15: Milkadamia R UsSo when I decided to explore reviews for homeopathic remedies, I thought I was truly sourcing the wackiest, wildest reviews available to humankind. I was wrong. Turns out, it's the macadamia milk community that really hangs out on the fringe, waiting for the next Apocalypse and not vaccinating their kids. Go figure.
This week, Jess explores alternative milkicine, while I form another raiding party and assail the Amazon Pantry (beverages edition).
And our macadamia madness drove us 2 minutes over! Balls!
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker...2018-11-211h 02Everyone's A CriticEp 11: Sex, Lies, and Footlong SubsThe Fresh Prince of Subway goes by many names. Wears many faces. As the much sought-after heir to the throne of Sandwich, he has to. But don't worry, we've got the inside scope, including the Prince's latest trip to Dallas, Texas, where he encountered many a Subway worker who, god forbid, speaks English as a second language.
Meanwhile, Jess queries AllRecipes for pumpkin-flavored dog treats, and we get ejected from a Bengay comedy club.
All at an oh-so-tasty 54 minutes!
Music used in this episode includes:
Fresh Prince of Subway Theme: Lee...2018-10-2454 minEveryone's A CriticEp 10: A Strawbridge over Troubled WaterWe recorded this during some dark times in our country's history. There's no glossing over that fact. But no matter how bad things get, Dick Strawbridge and his wild, wild cabins are there to help. Oh, and did we forget to mention that he's a Lieutenant-Colonel with the British Army? So actually, that'll be Lt Colonel Dick Strawbridge to you.
Also, Jess talks about Uno and vegetarian lasagna, while I introduce our newest segment: Doctor Doctor, actually I don't trust you very much.
But who cares about any of that; this is a Dick Strawbridge pod...2018-10-1753 minEveryone's A CriticEp 9: Gettin' Hot with the DogsParents, it's okay to give your kid a hotdog every now and then. That's fine. But a hotdog stuffed with cheese, wrapped in bacon, then dipped in maple syrup? Fuck it, why not.
Also in today's episode, Jess takes us to Rue 21. American Aeropostle. One of those. We also dish the deets on Nyquil and all of it's great, great features.
All at a sexy 57 minutes, no less!
Music used in this episode includes:
'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
2018-10-1057 minEveryone's A CriticEp 7: Go to Bed, KathyHere's some advice: if you get fiesty one night and have too much "whine," *don't* hop online and criticize beloved TV chefs. Because you'll get dragged. Also this week, Jess shares recipes for stinky fish salad and triggers GERD sufferers everywhere with reviews for Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
It's only an hour long!
Music used in this episode includes:
Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021275957958/BebopMolecule-GTucker-Verdigris
Jahzzar - Green Lights
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Jahzzar/Tumbling_Dishes_Like_Old-Mans_Wishes/Green_Lights
2018-09-261h 00Everyone's A CriticEp 3: Tom Hooper's Big Day OutIn today's episode, we pack our sunscreen and visors for a trip to Myrtle Beach, while Jess shares reviews for some of her deepest loves and hates. Also, Tom Hooper's latest project raises numerous questions, mostly about putting Tom Hanks in a morphsuit.
It's way over an hour long!
2018-08-291h 12