Shows
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPaper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/UnboatPaper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat Square Roots - Episode 493 Quest Log: 0:30:22 Level Up: 1:29:20 The gang takes Mario a-treasure huntin' in this week's episode of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. We meet a new bomb friend, beat up a ghost skull, and get involved in more Plant People Crime Family Drama. We also meet Flavio, a rich character who has lived a whole life yet cannot achieve personhood due to the arbritrary constraints placed on him by Vanessa's narrow view of what a person should be. ...
2025-12-221h 56
The Poultry Leadership PodcastFrom Death-Defying Risks to Honoring Heroes — The Remarkable Journey of John GrahamSend a textJohn Graham's life reads like an adventure novel, but with a profound transformation at its core. At just 17, he left behind his sheltered existence in Tacoma, Washington, for a summer job on a freighter bound for the Far East. That voyage would set him on a path of increasingly dangerous adventures spanning decades and continents.Graham recounts harrowing experiences with remarkable candor – mountain climbing expeditions where avalanches narrowly missed him, hitchhiking through war zones, and navigating political revolutions. His seemingly insatiable hunger for adrenaline led him to the U.S. Foreign Service, wh...
2025-05-0757 min
John Kitchens Coach Podcast Experience#607: Mastering Content, Overcoming Challenges, and Building a Winning Team Culture with Brandon Town#607: Mastering Content, Overcoming Challenges, and Building a Winning Team Culture with Brandon Town In this engaging episode, John Kitchens is joined by guest speaker Brandon Town to discuss several key topics essential for real estate agents and business professionals. The conversation covers situational content creation, overcoming challenges, maintaining self-accountability, and building a strong team culture. This episode is packed with actionable insights and strategies to help you stay motivated and aligned with your business goals. The episode begins with an introduction to the session and its participants. John and Brandon discuss the importance of creating situational content that resonates with...
2024-06-1330 min
John Kitchens Coach Podcast Experience#598: Mastering Content Creation, Motivation, and Business Strategy with Brandon Town - Expert Mentors Live#598: Mastering Content Creation, Motivation, and Business Strategy with Brandon Town - Expert Mentors Live In this compelling episode of our podcast, hosts John and Brandon dive deep into the essentials of content creation, motivation, mindset, and strategic planning. This episode is packed with actionable insights and valuable recommendations to help you align your business decisions with your core values, build a strong team and culture, and map out an exciting future. Whether you're an entrepreneur, a team leader, or someone looking to enhance your personal growth, this episode offers a wealth of knowledge to propel you forward. John and Brandon...
2024-06-0330 min
John Kitchens Coach Podcast Experience#529: Agent To CEO Live - Unlocking The CEO Within: From Solopreneur to Real Estate Visionary with Brandon Town#529: Agent To CEO Live - Unlocking The CEO Within: From Solopreneur to Real Estate Visionary with Brandon Town Embark on a journey of transformation and visionary leadership in the real estate industry with Brandon Town on this uplifting episode. Listeners are invited to explore the remarkable evolution of Brandon from a solopreneur to a leading CEO and real estate visionary. This deep dive into Brandon's career offers a wealth of strategic insights, pivotal decisions, and mindset shifts that have propelled his growth and positioned him as a trailblazer in the field. The episode begins with John Kitchens setting the stage...
2024-02-0747 min
Give Us The Dirt2.4 Deep Insights - A Journey In Mining with John KeaneIn Episode 4, Brandon and Bam Bam welcome special guest, John Keane. John is a Senior Project controller at OceanaGold, a gold and copper producer.John brings a wealth of experience and passion for safety and education in the mining industry. Originally from the west coast, he made a move to South Carolina without a clear career path but with a strong desire for change. John worked his way through college in construction, where he developed a deep appreciation for the field. His diverse experience eventually led him to the mining industry.
2023-11-2251 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastBaldur's Gate - D&D: HatSquare Roots - Episode 360 Join Johnny "Bhaal Boy" Brandon and Straight Girl Vanessa as well as Matthew and Jim as we allllmost finish Baldur's Gate, but then don't. So yeah, there's gonna be a couple more episodes! In this chunker instead we (except Johnny) visit Ulgoth's Beard and then including Johnny attack Durlag's Tower, a fiendish den of traps and trappery. Also: - Who wrote the West Wing? - CHAHLEE MAH BAYBEE - All That Smushes is Mouth - Matthew Loves Wolf-Weres - Secret Pro Level Chess Moves - Put...
2023-04-171h 54
Job Search, Promotion, and Career Clarity: The Mid-Career GPS Podcast145: Tips for Negotiating Your Salary with Brandon Bramley (The Salary Negotiator)Send us a textHave you ever wondered if you could have gotten more compensation if you simply negotiated better? It’s a question many mid-career professionals ask themselves, and today’s guest will help you navigate Your Mid-Career GPS to a successful negotiation. In this episode, you’ll meet Brandon Bramley from The Salary Negotiator. John and Brandon talk about how to remove the fear from negotiating your salary, how to do your research to strategically position yourself in the negotiation, how to know when it’s their “best and final offer,” and what Brand...
2023-02-2137 min
Just Dads PodcastJDP 57 - What is Crossroads Fathers Group?We're back! Brandon & Tommy talk to the leaders of Crossroads Fathers Group (Eastside) about their vision for what Fathers Group will look like and why you should join us.
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2022-09-0855 min
Law Enforcement Life Coach / Sometimes Heroes Need Help PodcastBrandon Griffith / Griffith Blue HeartIm thankful for the opportunity to sit down with Brandon Griffith, cardiac arrest survivor only by the grace of God, the quick actions of his wife Melissa and some first responders who didn't hesitate to get to work. His story and resulting mission really put things into perspective for me. Live a life of gratitude and spend your brief and limited time here adding value to the lives of others. until next week, stay safe and healthy, JohnBrandon Griffith is the founder and CEO of Griffith Blue Heart Nonprofit where he specializes in training...
2022-09-0545 min
Get Better at Beach VolleyballEpisode #13: John Hyden Volleyball! Meet The Two-Time Olympian and Founder of Hyden Beach!Learn from the PRO!
In today's podcast, Head Coach Mark Burik and Co-Founder Brandon Joyner will grill John Hyden, a two-time Olympian who is still banging it at 49 years old. You'll gain a better understanding of being honest with yourself and discovering what works best for you!
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Timestamps:
01:00 - John Hyden as a Volleyball Player, a Coach, and as an Entrepreneur.
20:57 - How Do the Young And Upcoming Athletes Deals with Their Finances?
40:29 - Finding the Vol...
2022-04-011h 06
The Be Better BroadcastBBB 130: How To Speak Like A World-Class Leader | John Bates & Brandon EastmanAre you ready to communicate and speak like a world-class leader inside of your business or company? John Bates shares HOW in this episode! Download Brandon's FREE digital book, Be Extraordinary: Your Guide To Self-Mastery here 👉https://bebetterindustries.com/bookThis video is NOT sponsored. Some product links are affiliate links which means if you buy something we'll receive a small commission. 📒 Show Notes and Resources 📒📘 Connect With John Bates ➡️ https://www.executivespeakingsuccess.com ➡️ https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnbates/ ➡️ https://www.facebook.com/ExecutiveSpeakingSuccess⚡️FREE Digital Book - Be Extraordinary: Your Guide To S...
2021-11-1655 min
Just Dads PodcastJDP 52 - Bootstrapping FatherhoodThis week you get a look inside my brain in n attempt to make a point about doing your best with what you have vs wishing you had more.Brandon did not really understand or follow, but maybe you can.We also talk about some of the unwritten rules of the mens room that we need to teach our boys.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/messageSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/support
2021-09-2331 min
How to be a BeastPHH ep54 w Brandon MulreninPOWER HALF HOUR with John Tsai and Brandon Mulrenin on July 7, 2021. Interviewing my great friend, Brandon Mulrenin! Brandon is the founder and CEO of reverseselling.com, he has dedicated his life’s work to the study of human behavior and communication.
He began his sales career in the mortgage industry then decided to go out on his own and built his real estate sales business. He was listing and selling over 100 homes a year with one assistant and one buyers agent. Brandon’s success was quickly recognized as he awarded the #1 listing agent for Keller Williams Premier in 2...
2021-07-0832 minJust Dads PodcastJDP 48 - Fear - What’s holding you backIn this episode we talk about fear and anxiety, and how it affects us. How we view it and how it’s different for everyone. We also do a quick recap of Crossroads Father-Son camp that John and Tommy got to experience with their sons. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/messageSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/support
2021-07-0141 minJust Dads PodcastJDP 20 - Grief & Loss w/ Sean CarrLive long enough and you will eventually be hit with Grief and Loss.This episode, we dive into Tommy, Brandon, and guest Sean Carr's incredible story of loss, and how they all dealt with it as men and fathers. This episode was both the hardest to record, but also the most powerful in my opinion.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/messageSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/support
2020-10-251h 25Just Dads PodcastJDP Ep 16 - Grateful in 2020In this episode we talk about how we are trying to be grateful in 2020.John gives a recap of a scary health week for his family.Tommy reveals some health news about one of his sons as well.--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/messageSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/support
2020-09-1351 min
Just Dads PodcastJDP - Ep 12 - Preview - Covid 19 w/ Dr Rick2020 and COVID-19 have been a bit of a kick in the pants for us all.
**Bonus Brandon Story too**
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2020-08-1304 minJust Dads PodcastJDP - Ep 7 - Family Origins - Get to know the hostsGet to know Tommy, John, and Brandon. On this episode, we explore our some events of our past, and how with think they may influence us today. Your background creates the lens through which you see the world. Understanding where you came from and how it influences you is important to understanding why you think and see what you think and see today.--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/messageSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/justdadspodcast/support
2020-07-1249 min
The Dreamcatchers ShowEP018: Brandon Israel - From Leaving The Corporate Rat Race to Becoming A Real Estate InvestorWhat does it take to leave the 9 to 5 and build momentum with your dreams?
In this episode, John interviews real estate investor, entrepreneur, founder of Israel Investment Properties, LLC, and creator of the Wholesaling RE 4 Dummies, Brandon Israel.
John & Brandon discuss the "blind step of faith" needed to catch your dreams and how Brandon went from working in the corporate world to running his own real estate investment company.
You'll learn:
** Where will most of your setbacks come from?
** What is the formula for making your dreams happen?
2020-01-0743 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Tenderoni TosseFinally, Matthew easily plows through Zelda, while John struggles through the finish. With Jim recovering from surgery and Vanessa returning to her home planet it's one more two hander! Topics today include: the death of witch ladies, Nabooru's tragic backstory, Zelda's crystal prison as a metaphor for late capitalism, Persona Q, Fallout excitement, and more! We also get real confused about Zelda timelines. This Week: We play Ocarina of Time to completion! Next Week: We reach Junktown in Fallout 1! Thanks to The Consouls for their awesome jazz cover of Zelda's Lullaby! Find The...
2019-06-101h 36
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Jim's Hot InternalsThings get awkward after Vanessa flies back to her home planet and Jim recovers from surgery: that's right, after the level up this is a TWO-HANDER. John continues his angry rage against Nintendo and Ocarina of Time, Matthew lords his skill at Zelda over him, and they fairly easily complete The Hardest Zelda Dungeon Ever. Also: Vanessa has another Theatre Minute! Was the Zelda experiment a failure? Will it destroy the podcast? NO! THE NEXT GAME IS ANNOUNCED AND WE ARE ALL EXCITED! This Week: We complete the Shadow Temple! Next Week: We finish...
2019-06-031h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Volvagia & LabiagiaHEYYYYYY OCARINA. Vanessa gets a theme song, John throws his expensive electronic equipment in a fit of rage, there's tons of minigames, Matthew figures out how to skip entire dungeon sections, and there's many hot takes about this game, it's controls, and for some reason the works of Kevin Smith. This Week: We clear the Fire Temple! Next Week: We somehow complete the Water Temple! Thanks to The Consouls for their awesome jazz cover of Zelda's Lullaby! Find The Consouls on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChkiL7Q3d6I7gdgs34...
2019-05-272h 04
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Stepping On Your BitsBe prepared to throw your 3DS across the room, because Vanessa, Jim, Matthew and John are back and haven't quite mastered the ancient art of z-targeting. At all. Even while using their wrists. So pull on your stilletos, because on this episode: we meet the Great Fairy; we find a town full of strapping, stereotypical fail sons; head through the Dodge Durango dungeon; John falls in love with the Gorons; we discover Link's boundary issues; we have several cutscenes of large men behaving very, very strangely; the most jam-packed John's Bullshit Minigame Corners ever; and heck somehow even Avengers...
2019-05-201h 56
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Hey! Listen!We talk about a spoilerzone at the end of the episode, but it turned out to be so beefy we've moved it to a separate episode! Check your feed! It's a new game! We get to Ocarina some Time! We get acquainted with some glowing ladies, a forest boy without a fairy who never talks, get into some deep vore with a tree, explore Jim's arachnophobia, Matthew explains how motion controls work to Jim (move your wrists), John gets gay married to a shopkeeper, and so much more! This Week: We finish the Lost Woods...
2019-05-131h 32
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastEarthBound - Those Plants That Drain Your PPThis very important episode is brought to you by physicals. Physicals! Visit your doctor and let them handle your bits today! Also on this episode: Jim and John share bathroom anxiety, missing scenes from Macbeth, another one of John's musical references no one understands, we debate the definition of puzzles, and Vanessa's very upsetting definition of Mr. Saturn. This Week: We reach the Dusty Dunes Drug Store! Next Week: We eat some bad cake in Summers! Thanks to the Extra Lives for the use of their cover of Earthbound's Mobile Opponents Battle Theme!...
2019-04-081h 32
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastEarthBound - Call Your DadHumans of Earth! Are you ready for... Mother 2? Or Earthbound? Whatever you want to call it! On this episode: Vanessa is on the gargle for St. Patrick's Day, John brings back a beloved segment, Matthew has a Level Up Classic, and Jim engages in Laissez-Faire parenting. Talking points for this episode include: attractive nuisances, Captain Strong's child fight club, at what age a child can confidently be called a jerk, and a look at this game's obsession with bed wetting. This Week: We defeat Captain Strong in Earthbound! Next Week: We hop on the Runaway Five...
2019-03-251h 40
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Hardening AlistairTHE SHOCKING DRAGON AGE FINALE! We find out why only a Grey Warden can defeat an archdemon, Vanessa has to lend out Alistair's chunker, John does a Riordan voice that just annoys Matthew, Jim gives up, Matthew takes the path of ultimate good, no one bothers with Loghain, and we debate whether or not having an elder god in the body of a child is such a great thing to do. This Week: We finish Dragon Age: Origins! Next Week: We defeat Captain Strong in Earthbound! Thanks to Edward Alenko for letting us use...
2019-03-181h 47
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Gatekeeping Lunatic!NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! Matthew, Vanessa, John and SOMEONE ELSE pack up and head to Denerim, harden Alistair, clear out a brothel, fight in alleys, and maybe get the nicest ladies in the party to try and murder you. Talking points include a village where everyone acts like people in a creepy Stephen King community, adopting the "money pweez" roleplaying stance, The Wynne Button, and settling the Brother Giovanni Ribisi / Brother Jen of Tilly debate forever. This Week: We head out to Denerim and find the Urn of Sacred Ashes! Next Week: We have the Landsmeet! And...
2019-03-041h 55
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Submit to the Taint!Get all of the taint juice in your mouth in this savory, sweaty episode of Square Roots! Matthew is sick, but we experience the joining, meet Matthew's new girlfriend Morrigan, have some good times with Momma Janeway, John riffs on Bann Tegan in a very confusing way, Jim makes some GIF-able moments, and we rescue Bohdan and Sandal! So many exciting adventures are contained within. Also: Vanessa meets Alistair! This Week: We travel to Lothering and resist the siege of Redcliffe! Next Week: We clear the Circle Tower and finish Redcliffe Castle! Thanks to...
2019-01-282h 19
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - BATTLE-MOMVanessa goes Steve Valentine crazy and doesn't even have to tell us he's a magician as we start the year off with our first episode of BioWarey / JanuBioWarey. It's chock-a-block with origin stories, including the surprising fact that we all made female characters, Vanessa's family's bloody ending, Jim being pushed into a life of crime, Matthew consorting with Blood Mages whose names he can't remember, John's encounter with Dragon Age 2's Merrill and so much more. This Week: We reach the Ostegar camp in Dragon Age: Origins! Next Week: We travel to Lothering and resist the...
2019-01-211h 42
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastRogue Galaxy - Soy Boy Dolphin BoyOh wow. This show goes off the rails from the start when Vanessa decides to let us in on some Folger's Coffee brother and sister love, and then just veers off into strange places. Topics include: how weiners work, side character development, Nermals and Garfields, more debating about ghosts, 11th Hour Bad Guy Appearances, and so much more! The offending Folgers commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZnqBL6iYjA This Week: We play chapter eleven and the Alistia side quest in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We finish Rogue Galaxy! 00:01:55 - Level U...
2018-11-261h 30
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSquare Roots - Instant Classic: Until DawnIt's that spoopy time of year so we decided to release our monthly Patreon Instant Classic episode to all our listeners. Because we love you. Join Vanessa, John, and JIM (that's right, he's back) as they decide if 2015's PS4 exclusive Until Dawn is an Instant Classic.
2018-11-011h 31
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastRogue Galaxy - Upsetting Revelations About Jecht With An EyepatchOoooooooof. We take a deep dive into the cultural melange that is the peoples of Jurukai in Level 5's Rogue Galaxy! There's some unsettling character design, two of the bustiest characters we've ever encountered in JRPGs, and John misses all the good treasure and abilities. Also? TOADY. Vanessa recorded this episode from a dark, spooky well. This Week: We play chapter two and three in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We play chapter four and five! Our theme for this series is Ferdk's cover of Brave Heart, the battle theme for Rogue Galaxy.
2018-10-221h 27
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Felix's Purrfect PlansSomeone on the podcast has a weakness for Rob (and his sister Tilda)'s gruesome cinematic output, and it's not who you might think! We start off the podcast with some sad news, and then some mixed news. The podcast is in disarray! When will we play Chrono Cross? What will we play next? Why is Vanessa murdering so many people? Why does John get lost in such a small level? We open up a giant Oblivion gate and bring all of Cyrodil together for lots of procedural nonsense, slightly broken quests, and a thrilling lack of brothels.
2018-10-011h 45
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Tootiest Sexiest!Okay, right off the bat - we're all kind of d*ck crazy in this episode because the news has been nothing but wieners. On this episode we deep dive into side quests and get some fancy armour that for some dumb reason Vanessa just can't wear. Plus: John's all-scamp boyband, Fantasy Shrevport, we pitch a new Avengers game, Jim and John embark on a pilgrimage, Mirror Universe Square Roots Where We're All In Leather And Making Out, and spy hunting! This Week: We get the armor out of *Sancre Tor*! Next Week: We close the...
2018-09-242h 03
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Potter Babies!You'll have so many questions about Jim's terrible meme, but hopefully this episode will try to answer it. As we play through Bethesda's smash hit open world RPG, each host tries their best to be upsetting. First, Vanessa's choice of TV show disgusts the rest of the podcast. Second, Jim's terrible meme. Third, Matt's upsetting roleplaying of his cat Felix. And finally John decides to buy some waterfront property so he can truly start his SkullQuest. This Week: We crash the Daedric Cult's party in the Dagon Shrine. Next Week: We get the armor out of...
2018-09-171h 46
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - TV's GandalfDust off that cloth map, it's time to head to Cyrodil! That's right, we're off to explore the verdant pastures and thrilling forests of Bethesda's Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Topics covered this week: Pee Stew, Vanessa's CSI problem, Matthew's naughty kitty Felix, Vanessa's slight Oblivion obsession, Sean Bean sightings, John blaming glitches for pretty much everything wrong with his life, and so much more! This Week: We meet Brother Martin and rescue him from Kvatch in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Next Week: We play until you interrupt the ceremony with the Path of Dawn cult...
2018-09-101h 39
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy VI - Sabin All My Love For YouWe're all flipping water bottles, dabbing, and diving out of moving cars in this exciting, hip, current episode of Square Roots. Is John compensating because he's now 39? Is Matthew known for being angry? Is Vanessa fed up with ladies giving up because they learned about motherhood? Is Jim just cranky? YOU BET. Also there's tons of Star Trek talk, the sad death of Bananaman, the dark, moody World of Ruin, discussing the name Darill, the ethics of looting a crumbling house, ten minutes of Star Trek talk, and so much more. Musical references this week: Living on...
2018-08-201h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy VI - Simply Quite PrecrociousLulu! Rubber shirts! Esper Rumspringa! John questions Vanessa's age! The earth gets mad! Final Fantasy VI presents what seems like an early endgame as Kefka wreaks havoc on the planet, and then the party... well... it doesn't really save anyone. But! There are robots. And TWO Ultros appearances! 02:50 - Level Up 21:40 - The Quest Mog 01:30:30 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:32:30 - Squarely Against This Week: We play until you leave the Floating Continent! Next Week: We play until you finish Darill's Tomb! Our intro music for this series is...
2018-08-151h 46
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFable - The Sock MethodWe're still giving inappropriate books to schoolchildren in Fable, but that's not the least of our adventures. There's scorpion slaying! Murdertimes! John striking out bad! Trying out fun names for big evil door heads! Plus: we meet the Jack of Blades, and deep secrets are revealed! This Week: We conquer the Arena! Next Week: We rescue The Scarlet Robe! Our intro music for this series is THEoneNILS's cover of the Oakvale theme! TheOneNils YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/THEoneNILS TheOneNils Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/THEoneNILS Our Outro...
2018-06-251h 19
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFable - Rear Eye for the Right GuyHELLO PATRIOTS. GET YOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES READY, IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. WE'VE TAKEN THIS PODCAST IN A LUCRATIVE NEW DIRECTION. Did we say lucrative? We mean patriotic. And not les patriotes, we're talking real American Patriots! NO CANADIAN HISTORY LEARNING HERE. Also: Vanessa leans in to her poly preferences, we discover teaching school children in Albion can be rewarding, Matthew keeps murdering, John gets a crush on a boss, and burp fart my butt my butt. 06:00 - Level Up 19:15 - The Quest Log 01:05:55 - Bullshit Mini Game Corner 01:13:45 - Squarely...
2018-06-181h 21
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPhantasy Star IV - Robots? In MY Garuberk?Phantasy Star IV - Part 4 NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! We're not saying John slept through the recording of this episode, but he may have slept through the recording of this episode. Topics covered this week include: Le Freak, Laschiec; Laschiec playing a classic game of keep-away with the Eclipse Torch; rating Chaz versus previous terrible RPG protagonists; how Vanessa isn't prepared for Garuberk Tower's Flesh Cave; Matthew calls the Garuberk Tower "Gratuitous" Tower; Dark Farce; John's Interrupted Wrestling Dreams and SO MUCH MORE. You won't even believe it. Level Up 02:00 Quest Log 08:50 Squarely Against 56:34
2018-03-121h 08
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPhantasy Star IV - No Jokes About Birth ValleyPhantasy Star IV - Part 1 We begin the epic space journey with Alys and Chaz in the town of learning, but something doesn't seem right. Why is the headmaster so evasive? What's up with those monsters in the basement? Is Jim the Hahn of the podcast? Why did we start with Phantasy Star IV? Does the game explain anything about any of its systems? Why is Vanessa so interested in Zio? How many fake languages is Matt going to have to learn? Does John want to make kissing with Professor Bearsley? We answer all these...
2018-02-191h 19
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSquare Roots Versus Commander Shepherd: The SongJulian Titus from Nerds Without Pants joins Jim and John as they decide if the Miracle of Sound Commander Shepherd song deserves a Renegade or Paragon interrupt! This episode contains a careful review of the imagery used by Miracle of Sound, as well as a mailbag full of questions about Krogan genitals, Crossing Jordan, Asari babies, and Normandy crew slash fiction. Plus basic misunderstandings of microfilm! Level Up: 03:40 Commander Shepherd Review: 13:40 Mailbag: 38:10 Please find Miracle of Sound's Commander Shepherd song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiRDJLcYua0 Our t...
2018-02-171h 11
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMass Effect - Promethean Toilet CultureMass Effect 1 - Part 5 Next game is announced! WARNING: JOHN MAKES THE VERY WORST JOKE EVER IN THIS EPISODE. Okay, now that we're past that, Shepherd and their crew head to Ilos to catch up with Saren! Also covered in this episode: meeting Lord Darius; Vanessa's Rate-A-Hunk; steamy Mass Effect love scenes; punching Ambassador Udina; the sexiest exposition-spouting VI; the terrible Pinnacle Station DLC and SO MUCH MORE. This Week:We get in trouble for the nuking and then break some rules, punch some ambassadors, go to Ilos and drive our space truck...
2018-02-051h 57
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Bard's Tale - I'm Hal Sparks!The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Three Hi! I'm Hal Sparks. Do you remember the 2000s? What a wild and crazy, yet somehow more innocent age. Snooki? Tatu? Eminem hair? We dive into a time of Urbz: Sims in the City and gay panic in this wall-to-wall-awesome episode of Square Roots. Questions asked in this episode: why does Jim hate Chris Pratt? Does Jeff Goldblum have an orgy ship? Will Vanessa stop singing about the Nuckelvee? Is Scottish a language or dialect? What exactly is a flesh family? Plus: The Vanessa and John Show...
2017-12-181h 20
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Bard's Tale - Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Gesa* (*But Were Afraid To Ask)The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Two The tables are turned as Jim, John and Vanessa lighten up a little on The Bard's Tale while Matthew goes ballistic. John finds solace in an undead horse, Vanessa loves the Crone, Jim doesn't get the performance issues, and Matthew realizes the game may be tuned to encourage in-app purchases on iOS. Why would Matthew start singing the Bodyguard song? What's a Kunal Trow? What's the difference between a Fnarf and a Hrafn? Will The Bard even sexually harass a Valkyrie? What the heck is a Gesa anyhow? Why...
2017-12-111h 18
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Bard's Tale - Jerkin ItThe Bard's Tale - Part 1 Yes, that's not a typo. We're covering the, uh, classic? RPG The Bard's Tale, and by that we mean the 2004 release that first came out on PS2 and Xbox. You might have a few questions, like: why are we playing The Bard's Tale? Was it written by Adam Carolla? Will we ever see Spiderman: Too Many Spidermen? Why has Matt never seen Big Bird's legs? Is Infamous an RPG? Does the town slut shame a widow? What the heck is a Kunal Trow? Just how dark can Vanessa make this podcast?
2017-12-041h 29
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastParasite Eve - Jim's Third BirthdayParasite Eve Part 3 Planes explode! Boats sink! Daniels catch on fire! Parasite Eve's Disc 3 Crazy continues as we wrap up the bonkers story line with an insane finale. Really. Babies are shot. Mermen emerge. The statue of liberty is covered in goo. This brings up a ton of questions this week: is Parasite Eve some Ghostbusters II fan fiction? Or is Parasite Eve's Manhattan the world liberals want? Did the Jerry the janitor try to foil Klamp's sperm storage? Why is the final boss a garbage pail kid? How many times will John say "Baby Sack" this...
2017-11-271h 22
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastChrono Trigger - Mama Don't Take My Chrono Clone AwayChrono Trigger - Part 5 Finally! Vanessa has [REDACTED] the [REDACTED]! CONGRATULATIONS! But! Also! We finish Chrono Trigger and pretty much all get the same ending, except for Matt, but Matt got removed from the timestream and can't maintain his presence in this timeline. This is an all-singing-all-dancing episode featuring Memories of Chrono, Mama Don't Take My Chrono Chrome Away, and also some very, very very very very bad rapping. Oh! And we announce the next game! Questions addressed: Does Queen Zeal recognize Magus as her son? Why can't Vanessa tell a Dark Carnival a...
2017-11-062h 32
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastChrono Trigger - Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! ACK!Chrono Trigger Part 3 We're into the thick of things with Chrono Trigger as we hit everyone's favorite part of the game: Magus's Castle! Yep, that's right! Flea! Slash! Ozzie! Our panel of experts including noted pervazoid Jim Banks, loveable curmudgeon Matthew Van Zandt, mysterious genius Vanessa Girl and Manic Pixie Dream Bear John Brandon ask the questions you've always wanted answers to: is Ayla really just Cathy? Does Ayla even have a tail? Is she hitting on Lucca? Is Lucca even interested? What's Vanessa's beef with Mister Tumness? Did the Reptites draw wieners on everyones faces after...
2017-10-231h 37
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Fancy Auron Versus Beardy PinkshortsFinal Fantasy XII Part 7 We dabble in converting the podcast to pure ASMR after Matthew was swept away in a hurricane. Questions asked in this episode: Is Daddy Cid really just Fancy Auron? Is Port Balfonheim a pleasant hive of scum and villany? Will Jim and John out themselves as Vayne Supporters after C** Fest '94? What the heck is a Manse? Can a three wheeled car really work? This week: We travel through Draklor's Lab through to the gates of Pharos. Next week: We finish Pharos! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www...
2017-09-181h 43
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Loafin' AroundFinal Fantasy XII Part 6 Stay tuned past the credits for a very, very special bonus Level Up! Today on Square Roots: we learn all about the origins of meatloaf, Al-Cid's assistant goes from schoolgirl to business casual as things get serious; Jim and Matthew get a sweet new comic idea; the gang questions the transport infrastructure of another fantasy world; we meet the greatest hunt of all time; John can't pronounce Draco Malfoy and so much more! This week: We hit Old Archaedia! Next week: We get to Pharos, who is not t...
2017-09-111h 34
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - You're Tearing Me Apart, LarsaFinal Fantasy XII Part 5 Who would kill Judge Judy? We have the answer, and it's not who you think on this political intrigue packed episode of Square Roots: Topics included for your approval: Vanessa takes a third taco option; Sega conning John into buying $80 Yakuza games; sub-nipular body hair; one of our crew mixes up the words to Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer and Information Society's What's On Your Mind; hard hitting reporting on the hat-usage of Wus; and finally, a dungeon everyone likes! This week: We clear out the Miriam Stillshrine! Next week: We make t...
2017-09-041h 25
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Surely This Is The Protagonist NowFinal Fantasy XII - Part 1 The gang gets exposition overload as Final Fantasy XII opens the firehouse of names and places of importance in the world of Ivalice. But that's not all! Jim got incepted and doesn't remember a thing from his last playthrough. What are they trying to hide? Other topics discussed include: Kevin Spacey's punchability, Cardassian shoe lines, levelling down, Vanessa's theory of ranking and clothes-wearning, The Suite Life of Vaan and Panelo, a varient of the classic raft math problem, John keeps saying Depeche Mode weird, alligator jaw formation, the job system induced anxiety...
2017-08-071h 54
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - He's a Real NarutoPersona 3 - Part 8 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. Things don't go super well for the Persona gang, but Jim, John, Matthew and Vanessa aren't worried. It's zag after zag in a twisty, plot heavy episode of Persona 3! We meet Ryoji! There's a trip to Kyoto! There's a stealth section! Questions asked include: Are eyebuds gonna be a thing? Can you get sick from swimming in man soup? Was Dumbledore evil? Is American Domino's Cheesy Bread better than Canadian Domino's Cheesy Bread? What's Ryoji's deal, and wh...
2017-07-171h 28
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - The Gang Gets CrucifiedPersona 3 - Part 7 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. 12:00am 11/04/09 On a Wednesday... Square Roots: The Gang Gets Crucified! Join Matt, Jim, John, and Nessa for the latest ep of Square Roots! We talk Persona 3 Full Moon Operation 7! We drink too much and smoke too much and vape too much and curse too much and generally do things that teenagers would think is cool but is really kind of embarrassing for a bunch of 30 something adults. This week: W...
2017-07-101h 36
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - Talkin' 'Bout CaulkinPersona 3 - Part 6 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. So many important questions today as we press through September. Was Liam Neeson in Surf Ninjas? Was Zangief originally a villain? Is Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer, or merely three children stacked up pretending to be a grown-up? Did Kenny go all The Good Son? Was Anne Heche in The Good Son? What was the one weakness of The Good Son? What happens to people when they're driving during the dark hour? Will John's request to have a coffin...
2017-07-031h 26
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - Tickling Her Fancy™Persona 3 - Part 5 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. What happened to Cerberus? Did the Ninja Turtles take the red pill? Why does John pronounce Tarot weird? Does Lolligoth really like Junpei? Is Chidori inspired by Steve Martin? Why did John not get a date to the summer festival? Is Fuuka's ab-abber machine doing more than tickling her? What happens when Junpei makes Jim wear a yukata? Why should everyone hate Steiner, and what does it have to do with Ray Donovan? Is that Ray Liotta show called...
2017-06-261h 28
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - Basically a Ghostbusters / Walter Peck ScenarioPersona 3 - Part 4 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. Yukari finally confronts Mitsuru on her drama and the Countess throws wine in Theresa's face; things get very Ghostbustersy ten years ago thanks to the Kijiro Group's shenanigans; the very regrettable Operation: Babe Hunt; the detailed simulation that is Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball; there are several covers of Persona songs by talented singers John and Vanessa; and finally, this is basically the Breastcast as we discuss a wide range of breast topics, not limited to support, animation...
2017-06-191h 38
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - Not For TeacherPersona 3 - Part 3 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. We discover what happens when Matthew is missing from an episode: we get super, super creepy. Topics covered this episode include: nonconsentual clothing options, Marduk, and the Male Gaze; more Adam Jr. and the Bachelorette; the legality of Japanese Love Hotels; pink goo; that one teacher who got pregnant from her student; the growing mysteries of the Kirijo group; Akihiko and Yukari's sexy showers; the game getting so mad at John's dumbness that it stops and tells him how...
2017-06-121h 30
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - The Jim-NasiumPersona 3 - Part 2 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. We storm the school in this week's Square Roots! An epic, spooky ghost-story filled Full Moon Operation is just the start though, as we get some new team members, battle some baddies, and maybe, MAYBE talk about mid-terms. Topics covered include: John's disturbing paternal instincts; Parent Fight Club; we rename the Quest Log the Velvet Compendium; Shuji's Pun Bonanza; Kathy Griffin's hair; Vanessa climbs the social ladder; the game gets real with the bullying; we learn the dark secrets o...
2017-06-051h 23
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - Thicc With Two C'sKingdom Hearts - Part 5 Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots Vanessa, Matthew, Jim and John tackle two more worlds in this smashing episode of Square Roots. Questions resolved include: who directed A Nightmare Before Christmas? Is Tinkerbell thicc? Just who is Chris Sarandon anyway? Is flying the only element of childish joy in Matthew's heart? Why is Riku bossing around Captain Hook? What the heck is happening anyway? We may not have the right answer to any of these questions, but we try our best around...
2017-05-081h 10
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - Down Where It's WetterKingdom Hearts - Part 4 Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots What is vore? John explains. This is relevant: today we get swallowed by Monstro before heading off to the Little Mermaid world of Atlantica, where Ursula also tries to swallow you! Also: being eaten alive by snakes, BRIAN BLESSED RETURNS, we imagine Dreamworks Hearts, puppet fetishes, we debate Ariel's family tree and the Little Mermaid expanded universe, hair nomenclature, and so much more! This week: We go down where it's wetter in Monstro and A...
2017-05-011h 14
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - Cloud Strife: Cat Fan?Kingdom Hearts - Part 2 Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots We begin with Vanessa's Corrections Corner as she realizes there may have been some factual inaccuracies in the previous podcast. Also: Vanessa unleashes a sick burn, John debuts Level Up Classic to much consternation, Encyclopedia Van Zandt does sound detective work over Vanessa's knowledge of Hercules songs, we debate what Vincent from Final Fantasy VII is wearing, secrets are told and hearts are broken. Also there's some nonsense about keys shooting lasers at keyholes. ...
2017-04-171h 17
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - But Does That Mean I Have To Meet Your Father?Kingdom Hearts - Part 1 Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots It's a relatively smut-free episode as we take a raft through the galaxy that is Kingdom Hearts. All the hosts are amazed by John's flawless and totally not terrifying Donald Duck impression as well as David Boreanis's acting. Other questions today include: what's a gummi ship? Does John find Jimminy Cricket attractive? Why are there only six dwarves? Do we really have to do this Gummi Ship thing every time we travel between planets? Why is...
2017-04-101h 17
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSuper Mario RPG - Six Doors of DisappointmentSuper Mario RPG Part 4! Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots We start off with 65 Rules For Dating My Gay Friend John, the terrible 6 Doors of Disappointment, the insane boss rush that is the final stage, discussing the physiology of Exor, casting a new hypothetical Super Mario Brothers movie, we trade Culex strategies, Matthew relies on Geno Flash to win the game, and we try to figure out who some of these late game bosses are. There's final thoughts on the game with no set rating system, a...
2017-04-031h 27
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe #Trypod Sampler!Hi Sqooters! John here! With only hours to spare I'm here to post the #Trypod special. Here's a chance for you to share the Comrade Radio podcasts with non-podcast listening buddies, and a chance for you to check out what's up with the other Comrade Radio shows. I'll allow Malcolm to take over: Here at the network, we're nothing if not sheep, and as such we're fiercely devoted to the latest social media trends. This month it's the "trypod" initiative, which asks podcast fans to share their favorite programs with friends who have never tried...
2017-03-3139 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSuper Mario RPG - How Bean Was My Valley?Super Mario RPG Part 3! In this erotically charged episode the podcast screeches to a halt as Matthew insists that Jonathan Jones is not a shark, but that doesn't stop us from further ruining your childhood. Amazing talking points include: John's misunderstanding the vagina reaches new heights; they debate the origins of the term "Axem Rangers"; everyone falls in love with a morbidly obese toucan; Vanessa is horrified by the anatomy of Valentina; everyone gets every name wrong; no one gets a Dido reference; John is the only one who can climb vines due to a childhood of s...
2017-03-271h 35
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSuper Mario RPG - Belome!Hey! Just a heads up, this is a SUPER NSFW EPISODE. Much more so than usual. So make sure your children are tucked into bed before diving into this week's particularly risqué pod. Topics covered include: Did Dr. Eggman take Donkey Kong's name when he got him pregnant? We pitch 90s edgelord variants of the Super Mario RPG opening; there's much talk of MRPEG; we discuss Mario's living situation and hookup relationship with Princess "Peach" Toadstool; the Bowser / King Koopa Switcheroo; John drops the best joke in the history of podcasting; we ruminate on the Lumpy Space Pr...
2017-03-131h 29
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe KOTOR Mailbag Episode!Stay tuned after the credits for what will hopefully be the first and last episode of HAMILTALK! John and Vanessa are joined by Stan from They See Me Rollin' as they divulge Star Wars origin stories and then tackle the burning questions our listeners have been aching to ask: can you teach a cat to use the force? Why is your marriage not working? Where is the love? Also: John's deep Wing Commander knowledge, lightsaber nunchucks and so much more! Also! We interview game industry professional Brent Tighe about his feelings on the dark and light side...
2017-03-121h 19
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKnights of the Old Republic - Sith Valley HighWe're closing in on the end of Knights of the Old Republic in this episode as we head to the Sith Academy on Korriban. Is it a Saved By The Sith situation? A Sith Valley High scenario? This is an action and reference packed episode! Jolee becomes the breakout character of the game; John and Matt talk about shopping for five minutes, until Vanessa stops them; a debate on whether or not people would run into each other that often in huge galaxies; Jim accidentally does good and Vanessa accidentally goes evil; is Sith society sustainable; obscure references John m...
2017-02-271h 32
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKnights of the Old Republic - Meatbags!It's all hands on deck for the invasion of Tattooine! Matthew takes offense at spurious uses of the term "dragon"! Sand jokes are made! Homicidal robots are found! We kill dozens of sand people! Marlena gets her revenge on her terrible husband! John isn't super great at being good and Jim is kind of terrible at being evil! The very foundations of Square Roots threaten to break apart as the Sqooters spar over John's overuse of sound cues! This week on Square Roots: We trek through the sandy sand of Tatooine! Next week o...
2017-01-301h 07
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKnights of the Old Republic - Smokin' Laser HolesVanessa goes turret crazy this week as Jim tackles his problems sticking to the Dark Side, John is relentlessly teased for his terrible headphones, and we play through another big ol' chunkerino of Knights of the Old Republic. This week: Villains buy food and medicine! Light Side Jedis kill everyone! We debate ways to kill a rankor beast! We totally forgot about a droid! We ponder the issues inherent in BioWare sidequest design! Jim has many limes! For scurvy! And so much more. This week on Square Roots: We play from the Undercity through until the e...
2017-01-161h 11
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKnights of the Old Republic - A Beginner's Guide To Turning A Wookie EvilOH MAN! A new game! A new year! And it's Star Wars! We start off with a quick review of Rogue One in which Matthew tries to fight everyone, then Matthew comes out as a Young Galaxy-er, and rejects the premise that KOTOR was set 3956 years before A New Hope; Nessa's touching Fisher Stevens tribute; Nessa's standards for a dream man include that he has a jacket; Jim debates the morality of buying a drunk a drink versus killing them; John refuses to discuss his mother's vast extended universe library; Larry the Cable Bi voicing the hick janitor; Matt...
2017-01-091h 02
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - Kitty-Kat Genocide #YOLOAfter kicking little Timmy out of the studio and sending George Lucas out for coffees we sing the theme to the Vanessa Girl anime and get started trekking through Mount Gagazet. On this week's Square Roots: Vanessa reveals the secrets to the Ronso language, John performs the Yuna song, Vanessa's Ronso fan fiction, Genki and Bizarro, Super Mecha Seymour, Tidus's rad houseboat, creepy summoner wall body-horror, trying to figure out the dream-logic of Zanarkand, and so much more! This week on Square Roots: We tour through the surprisingly long Mount Gagazet section of the game through...
2016-11-281h 41
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - A Weekend At Bernie's Kind Of SituationAfter John calls off Matthew's Phone Minute, we dive into a weird deathtrap dungeon where there's an exit and they let you keep your weapons. This week: a super cool summon versus summon battle; Vanessa heckles John; zombie wyrms; we break into show tunes; we hit the lonely end of Maester Babyface; Seymour Soul Gobbler turns into Nega Seymour; Kimahri's creepy voyeurist tendencies; and so much more! It's jam packed with Chocobo racing and boss slaying and robots and all that junk. LISTEN NOW. This week on Square Roots: We play Via Purifico through until you...
2016-11-211h 20
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - Boob Pterodactyls Give The Best HugsAudio problem is fixed! CHILLS from Wakka's glares! THRILLS as we encounter or possibly summon a Ghost Wendigo! MARVEL as Tidus kind of ignores Dona! This week on Square Roots we go from wandering in an endless desert hunting sandworms to translating Al Bhed chests, go on trial for sorta kinda killing Seymour, and so much more. ALSO! Things get a little too sexy as John tries to figure out another term for pocket aces, Matthew makes some kind of nerd reference no one understands, Vanessa may be slipping so deep into her child voice that she...
2016-11-141h 10
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - Shoopuffs Good, Moonflow Jokes BadShoopuffs: just another disappointing brontosaurus? We make fun of Jurassic Park, Matthew, makes the worst joke ever about the Moonflow, O'aka's poor clothing choices, John stirs up beef with Portland, Tidus is the Zach Morris of Final Fantasy, Vanessa takes Seymour to the vet's office, Seymour's yam sized hands, a brief visit to the afterlife, which is kind of like Disneyworld in this place, and so, so much more! This week: We play from leaving the Djose temple until we reach Guadosalam. Next week: A marathon session from Guadosalam until we arrive at the desert!
2016-10-311h 19
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - My Old Man Went Out For Sea Cigarettes And Never Came BackOur first Final Fantasy X episode! Matthew, John, Jim and professional whaler Vanessa dive into the crystal clear waters of Spira. We start with memories of our first experiences with the Final Fantasy X and move on to the Quest Log to discuss the physiognomy of skeleton fish, Tidus's imaginary pen, creepy ghost kids, Phantasy Star girls, the special properties of Spira's water, convenient sin foggies, Tidus's dad hatred, Wakka's fundamentalist streak, Yuna does some dancing for a pterodactyl with boobs, Tidus does some Zidane style perving, we try to figure out what exactly Sin looks like, and debate...
2016-10-101h 45
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - Jema's Gettin' Blasted!Ho. Lee. Crap. People. It's excitement, adventure, and Matthew almost rage quitting, all on this all-new part 9 of our playthrough of Secret of Mana! This week in Square Roots we near the end of the adventure by leaving the Moon Palace, traveling to Tasnica and the Cave of Courage, then clearing out the Mana Palace and Underground City! Also this week: John's sick and a secret shorto! Matthew bans any further Jar Jar impressions as we meet with Jehk, Vanessa recounts her disappointment with Tasnica, Vanessa makes grief-related sex puns, we discover Empowered Grandma's alternate identity, get l...
2016-09-181h 18
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - What Does Luna Look Like To You?There's some vampire talk, Jim says lots of H names, Vanessa sings an amazing Quest Log song, and we finally have the gift of Flammie Flight! We head out to Turtle Island, then hit up the Lofty Mountains, we visit the Galt's Gulch that is Turtle Island. We find out some mind-blowing secrets about the prehistory of the world of Mana, the frustration of palette-swapped enemies, George Lucas discovers Jehk, we find a golden city, do some fetch quests, and then hit up the rip in space and time where John sees... well... John drinks too much coffee, has a...
2016-09-111h 16
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - Spoiler Alert: Dyluck Straight Up Kills GirlWe get shot out of a cannon into the heart of the Empire, where we get our sneaky spying on, go through an absurdly spacious sewer, get totally Lando'd, and get our revenge of the Mech Rider! Other topics covered include John's Juggalo intervention, the surprisingly nice Empire, crazy hoarder Mara's mysterious box, our Matthew gets broken, the disappointing Tiger Bikini, child luring, the Phanna disaster, Dyluck's Pity Power, the Squaresoft Laugh, the most adorable vampire, Emperor Nietzche, John's Amazing Three's Company Joke, and so much more. Come! Join us! Next time on Square Roots: we'll play...
2016-09-041h 11
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - Further Ruminations on the Erotic Lives of the ElderlyWe head out to the land of jerk wolves and cute Walrus people, teenage John groans at meeting Rudolph the Red Nosed Raendeer, crash a real-estate resort scheme, that one episode where GI Joe was a bunch of jerks to Cobra, the Mana team as a anarchist-communist instrument of change, John's girl problem, getting assaulted by three Denvers the Sex Vore Dinosaurs, many crickets, 16-bit ho-ho-ho's, is the Secret of Mana the origin of Mrs. Claus? What empowered older woman could possibly be his mate? We also head back to Kakkara, go through the most frustrating palace so far...
2016-08-281h 10
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSquare Roots Versus Super HydlideThis week we tackle a much-maligned JRPG from 1990: Super Hydlide. Is it as terrible as its reputation suggests? Johnny and Jim are joined by Caleb to see just how many times villagers can force us to starve to death, find out that our wallet is just too damn heavy, get stuck behind some friendly slimes at the self-checkout, starve to death some more, be too stupid to read the engravings on a tombstone, and ride on some of the most jarring difficulty curves in a game ever. Is T&E / Seismic's game a lost masterpiece? A bleeping piece of...
2016-08-2645 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - Secret of ManaboysWe learn the true secret of the manaboys in today's all new episode of Square Roots! We cannon travel to the northern lands where the seasons constantly change and fight all manner of critters. The Moogle village revealed, Spirte's memory loss scam, Luca's evil scheme, Watt's the roadie, Jema the Dude and Spring Beak! We also hear a terrible joke from John, Jim HATES the word Manaboy and we get a little political at the top but not really! All of that and more on today's SQUARE ROOTS! Next time: we'll be playing through the remainder of...
2016-08-141h 17
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - Denver The Sex Vore DinosaurWe put Horny Grandma and Macho Man Jimmy Savage to bed, possibly together and then push on through Luka's special cave surprise! We get totally destroyed by Denver the Last Dinosaur, who isn't your friend and is into vore, Jimmy experiences N-U-I, Boy's lack of magic gifts, Sprite's villainity, Gaia's Navel's music versus hangovers, Gnome's use of the third person, Girl's slight Dyluck obsession, Floating Tomato Zombie Men, Thanatos's evil skull head, and finally John's Hot Facts! Next time: we'll beat up a killer robot, mash some Sonics, and then destroy the Spring Beak in the Sprite...
2016-08-071h 14
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - The Secret of GrandmaYay! It's finally time to uncover the Secret of Mana! Secrets we learn today: John's latent sexism, Vanessa's operating thetan levels, chubby haired kids, John accidentally creates a new sexy Grandma character, the anatomy of the rabites, Jema's tough love teaching techniques, Vanessa's crush on Dyluck, why there are a few issues with the goblins, and so, so much more! Next time: we will play through until the notorious tiger boss in Elinee's Palace. Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot) com Theme music by t...
2016-07-241h 14
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - The Zidane Tail FiascoJim, Matthew and John grumble about the character pairing at the shrines in Disc 4 and wonder why you can't just play the actual battles. They also spend a weird amount of time discussing whether or not Zidane's junk has been visible the entire game, Garnet's moon color, George Lucas impressions, Zidane being a jerk to everyone, Bronies, throwing a tent at bosses and how Tantalus makes no sense. This episode we make our way to Bran Bal and work through Pandemonium! Next time we finish the game! For real this time! Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dot...
2016-07-031h 22
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Farewell, My Sweet, Lovable Hedgehog PieJim, Matthew and John once again mangle pronunciation of Oeilvert as the party was split between two dungeons and Matthew chose his party so, so wrong. Other topics for your enjoyment: John's buoyancy, being humiliated in Overwatch, Mecha Dory, Jim's Terrible Cactaur Hypothesis, The Hall Of Many (Creepy Baby Doll) Faces, the Terra Discovery Fun Science Center, Matthew's correct observation that Gaia has two moons, the genre switch from fantasy to sci-fi, some wild plot guessing as John and Matthew get increasingly confused by the plot, the delicious Dessert Palace, the grossness of the term Hedgehog Pie, and so...
2016-06-201h 11
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Things Get Disc 3 RealOn this exciting episode of Square Roots, we finally hit Disc 3 of Final Fantasy IX! Subjects explored include: Shakespearean farts, John can't remember Gilbert and Sullivan for about a whole minute, Matthew drops the bomb that Dr. Tot isn't a guy with a huge nose: he's a bird, New Garnet, nosebleed boners, children's natural fear of Quina, Amarant's weirdly undramatic vendetta, Kuja's Trapper Keeper Poetry, and so much more! Also: Matthew explains Tetra Master, there's an adorable book demon, and we explore the possibility of pooping Pokemon. This week we start at the beginning of Disc 3 and...
2016-06-051h 16
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Hill, Get Guarded!In this episode of Square Roots we finish Final Fantasy IX's Disc 2, explore possible explanations for the othering of dwarves, Dave the holy man, the terrible and disturbing marriage between Zidane and Garnet, the terrible-er and disturbing-er marriage between Quina and Vivi, the introduction of Eiko, a debate on the pronunciation of Eiko, the creepiness of the anime trope of a child being in love with the hero, finding fetish gear in your size as a larger troll, Matthew's brain noises, HILL GET GUARDED!, we get judgey about Eiko's living situation, John's Eiko goes full Carol Channing, angry porno...
2016-05-291h 35
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - French Children's Book Level Existential SadnessIn this week's Square Roots, Matthew tries out a new robo-Matthew bit that becomes the show's new gold standard and our characters make their way to the ruined Lindblum, where they encounter one hilarious tragedy after another. Jim and John try to dive into Matthew's psyche to figure out why he thinks dead families are so hilarious and we meet the very scary Armodullahan and the strangely Zidane-esque Lani. The guys also criticize the game's transportation methods and ATEs, spend waaaay too much time talking about how to get into the black mage village and everything we talk about gets...
2016-05-221h 29
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - So Many Moral Event HorizonsWe start with a brand new glamorous Newsies segment before diving into Out of this World / Another World cage swinging, and emerge deep in the bowels of Alexandria to save the Princess. Topics covered: metal swimsuits, Marcus's giant junk, stomping the crap out of Zorn and Thorn, Beatrix once again decides to stomp you with her irritating Stock Break, Steiner and Beatrix pass the moral event horizon, the introduction of Lani and the big-handed, dreadlocked bounty hunter, Temple of Doom CGI cutscenes, the pronounciation of Ramuh, and much more! There's also our Q&A, we get angry at the...
2016-05-161h 21
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Mr. Ghost, Fantasy Mass Transit Systems, and Poor Life Decisions"Anyone who likes pickles are nice people" opens the South Gate guard as we begin Disc 2. This time it's all Steiner and Garnet, Zidane and his gang are all sequestered into a separate quest. We have a chance encounter with Cinna and Marcus at Summit Station, The game spends an inordinate amount time explaining Fantasy Mass Transit Systems this episode, and Matthew isn't having any of it. Marcus is out to find Super Soft (A Photo of Matthew's mom, SICK BURRRRN) and out of a sense of loyalty Garnet and Steiner join him in finding this cure. In this...
2016-05-011h 18
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Liz Hurley Hair, Metal Thongs, And The End of Disc 1Part 4 of our playthrough of Final Fantasy IX opens with some questions: What would a date with Zidane be like? We explore this nightmare possibility, We do some Frog Hunting and pick up the terrifying, H.R. Pufnstuf-alike Quina, a blue mage comic relief character in a game with no real need for either. Fortunately grinding out her blue magic is pretty fun, if you have a FAQ. John gets confused by the blue X being no and red O being yes when meeting the quiz-master Ragtime Mouse, who is not a mouse but actually is a horrible...
2016-04-241h 03