Shows
Playing With Fire236 Co-Creating Magnificent SexWhat happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuck in patterns that weren't working, and the solutions weren't immediately obvious.It was a profound opportunity for growth and understanding–the experience taught us that magnificent sex isn't something you figure out once and then have forever. It requires ongoing attention, vulnerability, and...
2025-12-2758 min
Playing With Fire226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite Transition ManagementWe all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions scheduled with Dr. Joli! That's because these moments, when handled poorly, can turn what could be...
2025-10-1839 min
Playing With Fire220 How to Finally Hear Each Other: Low vs. High Context CommunicationCommunication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between high context communication (relying on implicit messages, non-verbal cues, and shared knowledge) and low context communication (explicit, direct statements with less room for interpretation)...
2025-09-0631 min
Playing With Fire216 Helping Your Partner Through an Intense Moment of JealousyJealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection, shame, or control dynamics that damage the relationship. But is it possible to respond without abandoning yourself or falling into problematic patterns?The truth is, you can help your partner through a moment of jealousy–as long as you have the right tools. And in this episode, we’re giving them to you.We’re breaking down:— Why we need to normalize feeling jealousy r...
2025-08-0944 min
Playing With Fire206 The Grief of JealousyJealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions. When we experience jealousy, we're experiencing a form of loss—whether it's the loss of attention, time, or even an imagined future–and often grief is hiding just beneath the surface of these experiences. Understanding this connection can help us navigate the complex emotional landscape of non-monogamy with more compassion for ourselves and our partners.In this episode, we talk about:— The concept of "ambiguous grief" and how it relates to jealousy in non-monogamous relationships— Why jealousy often contains elements of grief, especially when we're experiencing changes...
2025-05-3137 min
Playing With Fire197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your PartnerEnvy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a gr...
2025-03-2939 min
Playing With Fire190 [Replay] Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that...
2025-02-0845 min
Playing With Fire182 Q&A Quickie: What should I do when my partner wants gender-based rules in non-monogamy?Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases.The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by biases and societal programming.In th...
2024-12-1429 min
Hotter Than EverWhat It Takes to Open Your Marriage with Dr. Joli Hamilton“Release yourself from the idea that your relationship needs to fit into anybody's box.”Have you ever wondered if you and your partner are truly compatible? Or struggled to express your needs, feeling lost in a sea of unmet expectations? Whether you’re exploring non-monogamy, redefining relationship norms, or simply seeking deeper connections, this episode is for you. Our guest, Dr. Joli Hamilton, is a relationship coach, sex educator, and co-host of the “Playing with Fire” podcast. She’s on a mission to help people design non-monogamous partnerships that align with their authentic selves—no more shrinking, pretending, or...
2024-12-051h 06
Playing With Fire179 One Kid’s Reflection on Being Raised by Polyamorous ParentsOne of the most common concerns we hear about non-monogamous relationships is “but what about the kids?!?” We have a lot to say in response… but in this special episode, you get to hear it from one of our kids instead!Moi offers a candid glimpse into his experience of being raised by polyamorous parents and shares his perspective on what it’s like to navigate a world where polyamory is rarely represented. He also talks about his journey with queerness and transness, and how our family’s values created space for that exploration.Tune in for a h...
2024-11-2329 min
Playing With Fire177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in RelationshipsThe word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark...
2024-11-0949 min
Becoming: HER with Nikki SpoelstraConsensual Non-Monogamy and Virtuosity in Relationships with Dr. Joli Hamilton. Ep. 143What is up my loves and welcome back to The Know! Today we are going to chat about a pretty controversial topic…which is polyamory and consensual non-monogamy with Dr. Joli Hamilton. Dr. Joli Hamilton is the relationship coach for couples who color outside of the lines and she is the founder of the Year of Opening. She has spent the past two decades studying and reimagining what love can be if we open our imaginations to possibilities. Keep an open mind and buckle up babes because it's gonna get hot!In...
2024-04-0952 minBecoming: HER with Nikki SpoelstraConsensual Non-Monogamy and Virtuosity in Relationships with Dr. Joli Hamilton. Ep. 143What is up my loves and welcome back to The Know! Today we are going to chat about a pretty controversial topic…which is polyamory and consensual non-monogamy with Dr. Joli Hamilton. Dr. Joli Hamilton is the relationship coach for couples who color outside of the lines and she is the founder of the Year of Opening. She has spent the past two decades studying and reimagining what love can be if we open our imaginations to possibilities. Keep an open mind and buckle up babes because it's gonna get hot!In...
2024-04-0952 min
Playing With Fire140 [Replay] Balancing Individuation & Secure Attachment with Polysecure Author Jessica FernJessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode!
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It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.
It's normal to want to individuate.
It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.
But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections?
Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship t...
2024-01-2054 min
Playing With Fire117 Business and pleasure with Beth HankesHow much more satisfying would work be if you brought more of yourself into your work relationships? Joli talks with Beth Hankes (she/her) about the benefits of bringing your relational skills into the business environment. Beth is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt in Burlington, VT, whose mission is to see all people free to live in their pleasure.
Join Beth's mailing list at earthandsaltshop.com, and follow on IG at @earthandsaltshop
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
2023-07-0937 min
Expansive Intimacy with Jim YoungEP09: The Effects of Power & Jealousy with Dr. Joli HamiltonJealousy is just like all other emotions. It has something to tell us. (6:30-6:34 | Joli Hamilton)
Get ready for an eye-opening episode as Jim engages in a thought-provoking discussion with Dr. Joli Hamilton, a relationship coach who specializes in guiding couples that color outside the lines. In this episode, they delve deep into the profound impact of power dynamics and jealousy on intimate relationships.
Dr. Hamilton challenges conventional beliefs by shedding light on jealousy as a perfectly normal emotion that can emerge as early as six months of age. Instead of avo...
2023-06-2246 min
Playing With Fire109 We Opened Up & EEK! What to do when exciting beginnings turn scaryDid you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we're sharing:
-How the scientific method can help you do this all with less pain (really!)
-Why you are struggling with managing change
-What do you need to consider about starter boundaries for opening
There are a lot of changes to navigate, but you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. We're outlining how we recommend navigating the change, strategically avoiding pitfalls by taking a tested approach, and, bottom line, how to open up...
2023-05-0640 min
Curious FoxThe Sexual Shadow, Self Discovery, Shame and Pleasure with Dr Joli Hamilton (Interview)What is the sexual Shadow? How does it affect our individual and collective sexual expression? What are some of the ways we can get to know our Shadow material and work towards integrating it?In this week’s episode Effy explores the crossroads of Jungian psychology and sex with Dr Joli Hamilton. They take a deep dive into the sexual Shadow, the repressed, the unwanted aspects of sexuality. They discuss how — if it goes unexplored and unprocessed — this material impacts our collective and individual thoughts and behaviors when it comes to sex, affecting anything from legislation to our se...
2023-04-2659 min
Playing With Fire106 The conversation that will change your life: Power dynamics for non-kinkstersIt's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place.
Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love.
We transformed that messy, painful relationship by taking a page (several thousand pages, actually) from the world of kink.
Kinksters regularly talk about power exchange--we think everyone should.
Every single day Joli hears from people who don't recognize that unnegotiated power dynamics are creating suffering in their most cherished relationships.
Want an unconventionally happy life? You've got to...
2023-04-0947 min
Playing With Fire105 Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?
Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.
Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that...
2023-04-0144 min
Playing With Fire104 Help! What can I do with all my feelings when my partner is on a date?Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes.
What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Looking for the Neuro-Somatic Intelligence tools we talk about...
2023-03-2548 min
Playing With Fire102 How to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community with guest expert Libby SinbackLibby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self.
More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community!
Learn more about Libby at https://libbysinback.com/
Hear more from Libby on Making Polyamory Work Podcast
...
2023-03-041h 15
Playing With Fire100 Finding relationship happiness through creative projectsIt's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire!
This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited about this shared project than we ever dreamed.
Every relationship benefits from a shared purpose (see episode 65), but so often, the shared project defaults to householding and/or kids.
Proactively creating shared purpose beyond the banal is an option. For us, it's been a magnificent addition to our connection. Especially as our kids grow up and we face a (s...
2023-02-1838 minPlaying With Fire99 Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica FernIt's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.
It's normal to want to individuate.
It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.
But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections?
Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of i...
2023-02-1154 minPlaying With Fire98 You're *too much*Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems? You're a lot. You're intimidating. You're an energizer bunny. You're hyper-productive. You must never rest. You're just too much.
Tell me, who are you comparing me to when you make this pronouncement?
Ken sat down to talk out one of my core wounded parts, the girl who gets told she's intimidating in every way. It was good medicine for me, and I hope listening in offers the same to you.
If you've been told you're too much, I hope I hear more from...
2023-02-0436 minPlaying With Fire97 Jealousy and sexual arousal: getting off on the green-eyed monster!Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell?
You aren't alone.
Though jealousy is often thought of as the LAST thing anyone would want in their life, that's not the only way it goes. In Joli's phenomenological research, 30% of participants reported sexual, juicy responses when they felt jealous.
Turning the standard jealousy narrative on its head is a delicious opportunity- and in this very personal episode, we're talking about how working with jealousy differently over the past two decades has led to some transformative and HOT ti...
2023-01-2840 minPlaying With Fire95 Envisioning Your Dream RelationshipCreating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it's really easy to find yourself in relationships that don't fit right (but do feel familiar) unless you actively participate in the relationship envisioning process.
This conversation is like being a fly on the wall of our relationship- Ken's sharing how he wound up in a marriage that was completely the opposite of what his soul truly longed for, and Joli's got some tips for how to get started in your own envisioning process.
Are you ready to open your r...
2023-01-1450 minPlaying With Fire94 Romantic Friendships: Subversive & AwesomeI (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relationship agreements. Ones that feel soft, warm, and connected. But romantic friendships scare some people- it makes sense because they are one way we can live beyond the boxes of patriarchal convention. Developing romantic friendships takes intentionality and creativity... and it's totally worth it! There are two big takeaways at the end that will get you started breaking the norms and building the friendships you truly want!
Are you ready to have a...
2023-01-0744 min
Curious FoxJealousy Within Non-Monogamy with Dr. Joli Hamilton (Interview)How does jealousy show up in non-monogamous relationships? What are some key factors that might challenge and even change our attitude towards jealousy? How can we embrace, process and learn from our jealousy? In this episode, Effy and Jacqueline are joined by Dr. Joli Hamilton to talk about her research on jealousy specifically with non-monogamous relationships in mind. Dr. Hamilton sums up her research with a quote from Maya Angelou, “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be li...
2022-12-1459 minPlaying With Fire90 How to make exciting relationship changes less scaryWant a more expansive, custom-designed life? You need to take some risks and make changes. BUT--before you go committing to permanent change, learn exactly how to use one of Joli's most-trusted tools for minimizing risk while making exciting changes in your relationships.
Watch this episode on YouTube
How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
2022-12-1024 minPlaying With Fire85 How can I feel more compersion? with Dr. Marie Thouin"I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP!" There's no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin, so we were thrilled to have this conversation with her. Compersion is the feeling of joy for another's joy, and it's often seen as the opposite of jealousy.
Every week I hear people wrestling with jealousy and trying to move toward compersion, but what is compersion beyond that short definition? What conditions help us feel compersion and what hinders compersion?
Marie is bringing us answers directly from her research...
2022-11-0556 min
Playing With Fire83 How to heal from jealousy and envyDo you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there's more pain than fun packed into these feelings. But, like other big emotions, jealousy and envy have are rich with gold you for your individuation journey. The trick is to begin seeing these green-eyed monsters for their archetypal content rather than as something to solve.
Jealousy and envy won't necessarily become your favorite emotional experiences, but they can absolutely become part of your personal growth process starting today.
Joli's spent the past decade researching to bring you practical m...
2022-10-151h 00
Playing With Fire81 Here's why we are Playing with Fire!Do you want to explore non-monogamy? Are you curious about how conscious relationships can take you to new levels of growth in your psychological individuation? In Playing With Fire, which grew out of the Project Relationship podcast, Joli and Ken co-host weekly intimate conversations from the inside of a non-monogamous, individuation-oriented marriage. We’re sharing tools and strategies for making your relationship into one that helps you feel seen, known, and supported as you become the most YOU version of you possible.
Watch this episode on YouTube
Are you re...
2022-10-0132 minPlaying With Fire80 Creating conscious, compassionate, open relationships with guest author Kate Loree, LMFTAre your relationships messy? That's more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a lot of time and pain. So we talked with Kate Loree, LMFT, a sex-positive licensed marriage and family therapist with a specialty in non-monogamous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She's the author of Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, and together she and Joli share their thoughts about their work and experiences with open relationships.
Buy Kate's book, Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious...
2022-08-281h 07Playing With Fire79 Expansive Intimacy with Jim Young, The Centered CoachBurnout sucks, and it's everywhere. We talk with Jim Young, The Centered Coach, about his book Expansive Intimacy and about intimacy as the opposite of burnout. His book will be available this fall (2022).
Check out Jim's website at www.thecenteredcoach.com.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
2022-08-211h 04Playing With Fire78 How, When & Why to Visit a Pleasure-Centered Shop with Beth Hankes from Earth & SaltVisiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt shares how and why she decided to open her shop, and why it's so important for it to be an accessible, informative, supportive place.
Beth Hankes (she/her) is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt, and a sex education certificate student at the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. She has a BA in Art History and Studio Art from Mount Holyoke College, and a Masters in Museum Studies from...
2022-08-1458 minPlaying With Fire77 Naturally attract the partners you long for with guest Allana PrattTired of *trying* to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you'll find that others respond. Stop trying to be someone for someone else and BE YOU.
Joli talks with the incomparable Allana Pratt about the pains and perils of trying to date without doing your personal work.
BONUS: this episode opens up with a conversation between Joli & Ken. We are getting super vulnerable about what's going on for us right now an...
2022-08-071h 07Playing With Fire76 What does perimenopause do to our relationships? with guest Maraya BrownHave you ever asked your partners how they experience living in their bodies? Have you ever asked yourself what might be unique about your experience of your body? Life promises us all just one thing: change. One of the changes that DEFINITELY deserves more attention is perimenopause! We could have a million conversations about this, and still be surprised every time because there is so much we just don't talk about when it comes to the intricacies of being embodied beings. In this episode we are have the amazing Maraya Brown, a Yale and functional medicine trained nurse midwife...
2022-07-311h 07Playing With Fire75 Leaving purity culture for a life you love - with guest Lauren Elise BarnesAm I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do you wish you could move past it?
Lauren Elise Barnes is a certified holistic s*x educator who spent a decade in the maternal health industry. She talks with us about creative monogamy, non-monogamy, and surviving purity culture.
Learn more about Lauren here: https://sexedforyou.com/
Watch the YouTube version of this episode
You c...
2022-07-241h 10Playing With Fire74 Why is my partner so weird? Wait, why am I so weird?How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld together, or by acting like someone you're not? Let's talk about how our experience of those differences can help us grow in ourselves and in our relationships
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Watch the video version...
2022-07-1737 minPlaying With Fire73 How to start building a designer relationshipWant designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let's talk about some conversations, actions, and self-reflection that will help us get there.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
2022-07-1034 min
Playing With Fire72 How to be a classy visitor to a strip club with expert guest Elle Stanger, CSEGoing to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you've gone before, going as a couple might feel different. In this episode we talk with Elle Stanger, a s*x wrker (yes, we have to get creative with spellings around the internet these days) and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator about strip club etiquette, treating erotic labor as work, and how to be a decent person in relation with sex workers.
This episode is a ~~ MUST L...
2022-07-031h 03Playing With Fire71 Doing what you said you'd do: When accountability works and when it doesn'tAccountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can't keep your word? Or when you change your mind about something that matters to your partner?
One of the things about having a completely unscripted podcast is you get to hear us work through our process live- no edits. In this episode, we talk about what happens in our relationship when one of us says we'll do something and then life happens and things change. Joli had a moment when she kinda blew her own mind b...
2022-06-2634 minPlaying With Fire70 Guest Expert Megan Bhatia: Choosing Polyamory While Raising a FamilyWe talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parenting outside the monogamous paradigm.
You can view the transcript here
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the book...
2022-06-191h 03Playing With Fire68 Train Your Nervous System to Transform Your Relationships with Elisabeth KristofJoin us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can use those skills to improve your relationships. Elisabeth is not only a certified applied neurology coach but also one of Joli's most treasured trauma-informed colleagues.
Click here for a free video series to relieve stress, resolve anxiety and eliminate unwanted behavior!
BONUS: Elisabeth and Joli created a one-of-a-kind workshop called Jealousy Rewired! Get access to this groundbreaking combination of somatic and cognitive tools to transform your jealousy struggles into op...
2022-06-061h 12Playing With Fire67 Exploring **Potential** KinksAre you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status.
In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create t...
2022-04-2432 minPlaying With Fire66 Who Started It? The Decision to Open UpHow did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners.
Here's the graphic on cognitive bias I mentioned.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
2022-04-1735 minPlaying With Fire65 Relationship Agreement Skills - Shared Values & Relationship PurposeHow satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them.
Here is the exercise and list of values Joli mentioned.
2022-04-1039 minPlaying With Fire64 Trust: Building and RebuildingHow do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to...
2022-04-0345 minPlaying With Fire63 Relationship SabotageHave you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will...
2022-03-2728 minPlaying With Fire62 Wounds & ApologiesHow do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up...
2022-03-2033 minPlaying With Fire61 Relational Individuation: On becoming your SelfHave you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
2022-03-1327 minPlaying With Fire60 Making FUN happen in long term relationshipsLong term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli...
2022-03-0642 minPlaying With Fire59 What do I do with unrequited hots?What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work...
2022-03-0131 minPlaying With Fire58 Anxiety when you are consensually non-monogamousCan anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If...
2022-02-2041 minPlaying With Fire57 Affection and Non-sexual IntimacyWhat if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships.
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Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
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If you want to stay up to...
2022-02-1324 minPlaying With Fire56 Creative MonogamyIt sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships.
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Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Jo...
2022-02-0636 minPlaying With Fire55 Parenting While PolyamorousTalking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
2022-01-3045 min
Divorce DialoguesCreating a Healthy Monogamous or Consensually Non-monogamous Life With Dr. Joli HamiltonYou can be in a relationship without settling for a boring life and sacrificing your desire for stability and depth of connection. Instead, there are ways to bring a creative approach to your relationship and life as a whole, resulting in years of love and happiness.
Dr. Joli Hamilton is a relationship coach, research psychologist, TEDx speaker, and AASECT certified sex educator who coaches people and couples who color outside the lines, helping them create partnerships that are custom-built for their authentic selves. Joli is also the author of the best-selling book Project Relationship: The Entrepreneur's Action Plan for Passionate...
2022-01-1424 minPlaying With Fire54 Where do we learn the skills of adult friendships?Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of friendship, and we're asking a lot of questions.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
2022-01-0234 minPlaying With Fire53 How to be happier when big changes threaten your marriageThe many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do? Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace?
Once again, rituals can facilitate strong, growth-oriented transitions. Check out chapter 12 in Project Relationship for an easy template to create a ritual that will he...
2021-12-2634 minPlaying With Fire52 Sex parties? Yes, sex parties.What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories.
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2021-12-1941 minPlaying With Fire51 Let's optimize our sex lives!No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences.
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If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure...
2021-12-1234 minPlaying With Fire50 Where is envy secretly kicking your ass?Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at times. But we can use some of the same tools we use for jealousy to notice it's there and help us through it to a better understanding of ourselves.
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Get the book Project Relationship
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2021-12-0534 minPlaying With Fire49 Using love languages to make the gift-giving season more pleasurableDo you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them.
Take the free, quick love languages quiz on Gary Chapman's site
Watch the...
2021-11-2833 minPlaying With Fire48 Keeping sex hot over the long termThere are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to decide when it's time to ask for help - from books, podcasts, and best of all humans.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure...
2021-11-2134 minPlaying With Fire46 How, when, and why to CELEBRATE!How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, they are kindling for the fire of your relationships (romantic and otherwise).
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Cited in this episode:
Fiese, B.H. (2002) Family Routines and Rituals May Improve Family Relationships and Health, According to 50-Year Research Review. APA special edition Dec. 2002.
Get the book Project Relationship
2021-11-0729 minPlaying With Fire45 Silent agreement - One person's perspective on a sexless marriageEvery marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken's first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he'd done differently, and why.
As we mentioned in the episode, follow Katy DeJong on Instagram @thepleasureanarchist if you're interested in the best info on infertility, sex, and childlessness.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be...
2021-10-3131 minPlaying With Fire44 Three ways porn has brought us closer togetherHave you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources.
We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work.
A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow @stripperwriter
Some ethical porn sources:
https://w...
2021-10-2442 minPlaying With Fire42 It's normal to be a messy human in messy relationships. Really, it is.Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while.
For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes:
"Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and...
2021-10-1037 min
Money Boss Parent#137: How To Have Uncomfortable Conversations About Money, Sex, and Relationships with Dr. Joli HamiltonHow can we have uncomfortable conversations about money, sex, and relationships? Dr. Joli Hamilton and I chat about the lack of education that we are provided when it comes to both money and sex. Dr. Joli explains that we often feel like we should already know a lot about sex and money but yet most of us are offered no education on either thing. She explains the importance of deciding that it is okay to have these conversations anywhere and everywhere and there is nothing to be ashamed about when talking about finances or sex.
2021-10-0845 minPlaying With Fire41 Emotional regulation and co-regulationIt's really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about developing methods of self-regulation that help us feel stable and self with ourselves, and then follow that up with looking at co-regulation and how we can help each other.
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Cited in this episode:
Butler, E. & Randall, A. (2013) Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, vol. 5 no. 2 pp. 202-210.
2021-10-0331 minPlaying With Fire40 How to have a productive consensual non-monogamy conversationLast episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you'll want to include in the conversation. Your relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) design together, so let's get into some of the important components of a caring transitional conversation.
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If you want to stay...
2021-09-2631 minPlaying With Fire39 I want to be consensually non-monogamous: how do I talk to my partner?We've had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we've learned through our experiences and Joli's years of research.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project...
2021-09-1938 minPlaying With Fire38 How jealousy was the best thing that ever happened to meJealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
2021-09-1245 minPlaying With Fire37 Summer's over... negotiating how we handle getting back to the grindThe shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critical step for keeping your expectations out in the open. Prioritizing love is easier when we regularly revisit how we do this LIFE thing together.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube.
Mentioned in this episode: Four Thousand Weeks is a great read for rethinking how we can make the most of our time.
You can read about...
2021-09-0521 minPlaying With Fire36 Vacation sex at homeWant to feel like you're on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime.
Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
You can read about designing your own rituals in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com.
2021-08-2928 minPlaying With Fire34 Three ways masturbation improves your relationshipMasturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let's talk about what it's good for, how you can explore and learn about yourself, and some ways you can use it to enhance your connection to your partners. Bonus, Joli's going in deep with the depth psychology of masturbation on this one too!
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2021-08-1538 minPlaying With Fire33 Individuation Accelerator: What if we don't keep the same beat in our relationship?Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episode, we share some of the ways we manage being vastly different people with divergent interests and goals. We share two key moves you can make to create an individuation relationship of your own. You get to write the script for your relationship yourselves, you don't have to use anybody else's.
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2021-08-0840 minPlaying With Fire30 How to go from off-the-rack to custom-designed relationshipYou've heard us talk about making a relationship agreement that really works for your particular love... but what if you have been married and now things have changed? Maybe you still deeply care about each other but you don't want the standard-issue marriage anymore. Is divorce the only option? Divorce or not, there are actually bigger issues to consider if you want to really go from that one-size-fits-all (who are we kidding, one size is not sufficient!) kind of marriage to an exquisitely customized love.
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2021-07-1841 minPlaying With Fire29 Letting your partner grow at their own paceLast time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we're not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help our partner grow into themselves more? How can we help each other grow? How can we maintain and develop our connection when it looks like things might be changing? In this episode we talk about our experiences with this situation, and offer some things we do that help those times develop our relationship.
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2021-07-0431 minPlaying With Fire27 Relationship agreements in the wildWe are talking relationship agreements again, this time looking at how we actually, practically, maintain ours. We also found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address. (No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours!)
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2021-06-0631 minPlaying With Fire26 Doesn't this person ever leave?Quarantine has gone on a long time, now, and most of the natural breaks we used to get have disappeared. As the world opens up we are READY to get some space for sure but honestly, Joli can't wait any longer. Listen to this episode as we brainstorm a way to get a much-needed break from each other with respect and mutual caring. In this episode, we are creating an intentional, well-defined break in our relationship to avoid enmeshment and increase satisfaction. When we say this show is honest, we mean it... this episode found us exploring and co-creating...
2021-05-0931 minPlaying With Fire22 Relationship flags - red, green, and otherwiseDeveloping relationships takes care and courage. This week Angela Lussier joins us and we share thoughts and stories about dating and relationships in general. We talk about what we each want and don't want, what we watch out for and what we seek out, and a little bit about what can happen when we miss the signs.
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2021-03-2153 minPlaying With Fire21 A secret weapon for relationship satisfactionSometimes we get caught up in the changes and challenges everyday life brings. In this episode, we talk about some ways we acknowledge and increase meaning in our lives, and in our relationship. Sometimes we do it on purpose, sometimes we look around and say "oh, we do this thing, and it matters to us and helps us connect". Joli referred to this study about relationship rituals, and for more ideas about creating rituals you can check out chapter 12 of Joli's first book, Project Relationship.
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2021-03-1431 minPlaying With Fire20 What an open relationship *might* look likeThere is no one way for relationships to work. What does "work" even mean, really? That is up to the people in the relationship. In this episode, we explore some of the common labels people use to describe their open relationships and what we have decided to use in ours. Of course, labels will only take you so far before you need to dive into the actual meaning behind your words and this can get messy sometimes.
The idea of designing a relationship is at the heart of our life. This episode is all about how we...
2021-03-0742 minPlaying With Fire19 The shame of a messy beginningIn the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first marriages. That challenging time left its marks, and Joli talks about her experiences with couple’s privilege, secrecy (no surprise, since we’re still talking about shame), and how those experiences impact her now.
It’s uncommon to see inside another relationship, so listen in for a tiny glimpse into Joli and Ken’s as it is right now. Relationships change, and the peop...
2021-02-2831 minPlaying With Fire18 Shame & secrecy (and sex!)In the first of a mini-series about shame, we aren’t holding back! The feeling of shame has kept parts of Ken hidden from Joli for years even though we’ve been consciously working on it. This isn’t surprising because shame encourages secret-keeping.
Confidence has been masking shame in our home even with a careful eye towards it.
Shame has been showing up in unexpected spots and when it does we often feel disconnected right when we most want to feel seen and loved.
No holds barred in this episode, sexual shame has be...
2021-02-2131 minPlaying With Fire16 Relationship agreements and polyamory (or monogamy!)Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. In this episode, we are talking about what it takes to go from assuming you *know the rules* to creating relationship agreements that are explicit and able to grow with you as your relationship changes.
Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what i...
2021-02-0731 minPlaying With Fire15 What does intimacy look like if you are non-monogamous?Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what intimacy means when you no longer have the rules of monogamy to guide you.
How vulnerable is too vulnerable with someone outside your marriage? What does it feel like to know that my partner is happy without me sometimes? It's all complicated, but not as impossible as it might seem.
Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, p...
2021-01-3131 minPlaying With Fire14 Why polyamory?To kick off season 2 we are responding to a request from a listener who asked "Why are you polyamorous?" Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what polyamory is, why it works for us, and how it feels to put your heart in someone's hand without the rules of monogamy.
Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping...
2021-01-2431 minPlaying With Fire13 Celebrating and still learningIn the wrap-up for season 1, Joli and Ken are sharing what it feels like to share their relationship ups and downs with the world. The biggest lessons are often scary to talk about, even years later. Admitting where we hurt each other or when we've been out of integrity with our values is vulnerable but getting real is key to continually deepening connection with each other and with the larger world. Season 2 is coming soon- if you have a topic or question, we invite you to share them, grab the email address in the show.
Watch the...
2020-12-2926 minPlaying With Fire12 Feel like a failure when a relationship ends? 3 tools to help ease life's big transitionsEpisode 12 is about failure and what happens when we judge our relationship success only by how long it lasts. Endings and transitions can be extremely challenging, especially when we imagine that an ending feels like it defines us. In this episode, Joli and Ken talk about three things they do to get through the tough endings and big transitions with a little more grace and a ton more insight.
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2020-12-2432 minPlaying With Fire10 Navigating drastically different communication stylesWorking together, whether you are running a business together or just working from the same home office puts a bright spotlight on relationship weaknesses. In this episode, Joli and Ken are talking about how they manage communication styles so different they initially seemed completely incompatible. Finding creative ways to navigate these differences has taken patience, troubleshooting tolerance, and one stuffed sloth.
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2020-12-1831 minPlaying With Fire9 Fighting with love...how we relearned how to argueEven the word fighting can make people uncomfortable. But relationships are messy and people are complicated. In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how they find ways to love each other better, build a stronger connection, and learn about each other while talking through the bumps and bruises that come with close connection.
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2020-12-1531 minPlaying With Fire8 Sex reimagined...with one questionSex is a spot that easily leads to misunderstandings, even for a couple who are on the same page in so many ways! In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how one seemingly-simple question led to a total reimagining of what sex could be in their relationship. With a little courage and a sense of humor, talking about sex can bring you closer together even during stressful times. It's not about how much sex you are having (or not!) but how to get on the same page about what you could create together.
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2020-12-1031 minPlaying With Fire7 How to get what you want for the holiday (or any day!)Having two different communication styles is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We had to learn the super-hard way how to ask for what we need and how to set the stage for a successful conversation no matter how sticky the topic is. Ken and Joli are sharing some of their complicated first holiday story in this episode. Ken talks about how it felt to try to communicate with two partners who had very different wants and needs. Yeah, that's right, we had a complex relationship right from the start-multiple partners and all. All those complications made it e...
2020-12-0830 minPlaying With Fire4 Who the heck IS this person I love?What is it about love that keeps us assuming that we already know each other, even though we are changing and living in a changing world? Joli and Ken work on how can we keep our relationship pleasurable over the years despite grief, growth, and a changing world. Taking a step away from our assumptions about each other (even though we've known each other our whole lives!) means there are joyful surprises to uncover every day. This episode asks us to look again at those we know the best and dive into them with intentional curiosity.
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2020-11-2630 minPlaying With Fire2 Empowered relating & holiday stressOwning our *stuff* around the holidays is hard. Joli and Ken are sharing stories about navigating big feelings, a busy family, and old family patterns that pop up at the least helpful times. Learning what works and what sets us off hasn't been simple but it has given us the chance to make stressful times a little smoother and a lot more pleasurable.
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For more Project Relationship head to www.JoliHamilton.com
2020-11-1827 minPlaying With Fire1 Wanting more in love (even at the holidays!)In episode 1 we are sharing stories about how we've worked on wanting a more-than-okay relationship. Joli and Ken talk about how they combined holiday traditions and how hard it has been to make space for each other's wants. This episode turned into a live-troubleshooting session where we took stock of-and then action on- some things that haven't been working.
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Find more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com
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2020-11-1722 min