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ChappedChapped - Episode 34 - Michael Jackson NoseWell....if I didn't predict my own fate by making light of these contestants obvious lack of employment. But my job less is your joy gain because there's literally no excuse for me to miss episodes. Like my contestants, "I'm taking some me time." As such, I'm giving you what you want. Hard hitting, live action, play coverage of the world's most disappointing cooking show: Chopped.Listening highlights: a michael jackson nose prophecies of unemployment somebody's fetish when dwayne "the rock" johnson was just "the rock" I hope you understand my hand gesture refe...2022-06-1535 minChappedChapped - Episode 33 - No Jokes Only the Real DealWell what terrible timing to fall off a regular schedule with releasing this program - someone shared the show and I got hundreds of unique IP addresses streaming this hot, intense action in one day. Then life happened and I shit everywhere and missed April. But that's neither here nor there as today we talk tacos and as usual - are let down and turned off by what we take in.Hot topics: what the internet can do stems on ram-a-jammin it when is a good time for Josh to roll play as a warlock? a gl...2022-05-1542 minChappedChapped - Episode 32 - My Color WheelYour best friend is back. Your best friend is taking you gambling. Craving a weekend in Vegas? Well how about an episode of Chapped centered around some nasty ingredients and a few contestants obvious gambling addictions in this "Casino Royale" themed episode.Listening highlights:Long wienersThe additive properties of the color wheelMy cat's pooBottom thirdsDon't get me wrongBut my nut cheese!--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2022-03-2639 minChappedChapped - Episode 31 - Are Your Eyes Missing Out?Welcome to the New Year. Or, if you are a like us, welcome to the beginning of the end of the lunar year. Just like the old gypsy foretold, today is a day where we take it back to our roots. The original Chopped kitchen, regular shitty cooking and the usual crew loaded up with Botox.Some crucial show highlights: Rony's many special gifts.Disrespect served up on a plate.Undressed arugula.How wrong I was.--- S...2022-01-0340 minChappedChapped - Episode 30 - It's a DogWhat did you want? Did you want DOGS? Well, you got them with this fun episode of Chopped where there are cooking food for a dog. They also have to make human food but not surprisingly, the dog and his enjoyment takes the cake (no culinary pun intended).Highlights:Surface piercingsMy light and my bushelAmanda's jacketChris' dog's dick--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-11-2441 minChappedChapped - Episode 29 - Totalitarian WarTrigger warning: this is an episode. Also, I chose to go rogue and not duck the volume of my reactions because I wanted you to know it is real. There are some very serious issues discussed this week. Issues like:Nico's beauty but also his receding hairline.Mr. Peanut from the front3D puzzleWar--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-10-1242 minChappedChapped - Episode 28 - America's Least Threatening ChefWow, it's like opening up a diary and seeing that I've been in a coma for 2 months.But instead of a coma, I was living the American dream dumping my unemployment money into a new business. But enough about me, let's talk about you. Let's talk about this action set in a big rustic warehouse with a hook for a hand judge and some gold nails that make you say what?Sizzling topics:When the beat it so sickI'm a comic...2021-09-0234 min
ChappedChapped - Episode 27 - Blasphemous to both Tattoos and MagicWhat a great way to resurrect from the dead but with an surprisingly lively episode. Warning - I do have a new cat and feel free to jump ahead a full 2 minutes when you hear me answer "The Call."Highlights:Michelle's faceMichelle's lips90's DJ's Prayer beads--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-06-1136 minChappedChapped - Episode 26 - Volunteerly Become a DuffyAUDIO WARNING: THE HOST IS REALLY INTO THIS EPISODE AND IT GETS LOUD AND ROWDY.If you are listening in headphone, be forewarned the surprises are abundant and worthy of each exclamation.Hot Pockets:-It's still Marc and Marc-Double ball sheen-The turtles are back-Fedoras--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-05-1835 minChappedChapped - Episode 25 - The Plumb Thumb ConundrumNever has a truer statement been said - "And we're back."It's been a minute. I took some time to mourn the passing of my dear baby cat boy Mr. Jackson. Now that I'm back, Martha Stewart is our host, I guess.Listening highlights:-It's another Marc V. Marc-Mama Martha-Round Bread-2 minutes of moderate feedback between 15:30 and 17--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-04-2333 minChappedChapped - Episode 24 - Mic Light It's AlrightIs this a Worst Foot Forward Products crossover? Because we are inventing some revolutionary shit here today!Hightlights:InventionCurtainsAmerica's Cutest ChefTears--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-03-1137 minChappedChapped - Episode 23 - Who's a Famous Goat?Greatest of All Time? No. This time GOAT stands for the animal, for whom we have no famous association besides a symbol of hell. So, if you know of any famous goats, please let us know. Get your hand turtles out, because we are gunna have a smashing good time.Listening highlights:Scooby DooLentils and their worth compared to a lifePee Pee PipelineMy...2021-02-2539 minChappedFORGED IN FRIENDSHIP - EPISODE 1 - AGREEMENTSThis will be the last time!Go to anchor.fm/lisadank for the rest!Shouts out to my djinn Skiskerwah and archangel Mitzrael for joining me for this hot as lava play coverage of America's favorite knife making reality TV show, Forged in Fire.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-02-2034 minChappedChapped - Episode 22 - It's a Marc v. MarcThat morning sunshine sure brought out a lot of fuck words this week. What else would you expect for a totally bonkers, yet obviously pre-planned out finale, of the Grudge Match. Who gives a shit about parts 2 and 3.Talking points:Marc v. MarcA long noodle shotThe curse word bleeded out round the worldA paternity twisterBROUGHT TO YOU BY WORST FOOT FORWARD PRODUCTS! THE MAKERS OF PENIS WHISKERS AND PENIS WHISKERS MAXXXX DEFENSE!--- Send in a voi...2021-02-1641 minChappedFORGED IN FRIENDSHIP - PROMOFROM THE MAKER OF CHAPPED - NOW AVAILABLE AT ANCHOR.FM/LISADANK--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-02-0702 minChappedChapped - Episode 21 - Hans SnacklemoreAnd we're back on track-lemore featuring a new episode with a totally acceptable amount on technical issues. Talking points:Macklemore's mustache and its impact on fair skin red haired men everywhereBloodThe Fart FunnelBringing Business Casual Back to the Kitchen--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2021-01-2637 minChappedChapped - Episode 20 - Acorn RoundAfter a tragic lost episode and then a second episode taken to its grandpa's house, finally, to end 2020 we have Episode 20. Not without it's sudden collapse of audio quality in the last three minutes. My shoulder hurts, my eyes can't see but who gives a shit. THIS IS CHOPPED.Talking points:2 Wedding ringsTrina - Is she the baddest bitch?Gay Pride BrunchAnd a lovely tribute to the Raiders, so obfuscated by the mic failure in the last few moments, I've felt the need to rea...2020-12-3132 minChappedIN MEMORIUM - CHAPPED EPISODE 18 - PIZZA IS NOT A PLATEhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU-LWmrwpp4RIP EPISODE 18 - CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE TRIBUTEDear Listeners,It is my grave fortune to announce that this week's recording became so corrupted by my recording software that continuity was lost, and out of respect for you, my dear listener, the jokes will be lost too.As a result, please enjoy a brief tribute I made to the experience I had recording and editing half of episode 18 at CHAPPED.ROCKSTalking points would have...2020-12-2201 minChappedChapped - Episode 17 - The Kermit LipLike Jake Paul fighting Nate Robinson, one of our contestants is set on proving that white can fight. I don't know if he wins the episode but I do know there is a real special guest (three guests, actually) that make the desert round worth sticking around for.Talking points-A near fatal error-Michael Ian Black-Oats--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-12-0835 minChappedChapped - Episode 16 - Tears of a PorkJokes are back! In a classic two-take episode, we embrace challenging topics largely centered around blood and that sweet sweet hog. I missed a great opportunity to make Puddle of Mud reference but other than that, we've got a really great show this week. Talking points:- My friend, muralist, Kiri Leigh's father Arthur- I give out the shows phone number +1*530*420*6909 and ask you guys to call me- Mr. Jackson comes in the house- Big HamThis episode is dedicated to my...2020-11-2040 minChappedChapped - Episode 15 - Carnival Ended Early This YearPut me on this fuckin' show. We see more gang affiliation and disappointed judges this week as, once again, the talent leaves a lot of meat on the bone (if you know what I mean). That said, if you're a fan of the candy accouterment, this might just be the app ep for you. Talking points:Gang colorsDesert of the sideThe judges lack of poker faces*****AUDIO QUALITY ALERT - THIS EPISODE SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS RECORDED ON A COMPUTER SPEAKER...IT...2020-11-1243 minChappedChapped - Episode 14 - Thriple ft. Neil Patrick HarrisSometimes, we are serious. I thought this was one of those times until I listened back to the ep. There are an unprecedented 3 songs broken into and we have an unprecedented 4 fuckin' garbage bags as contestants. Luckily, guest judge Neil Patrick Harris does not fail to deliver with pro-level shade. This episode is dedicated to my listeners. You folks are my motivation and I will keep the content coming weekly in your honor.Talking points:Full cubes.No talent.Very well made suites. --- Send in a voice...2020-11-0440 minChappedChapped - Episode 13 - Garbage Water (Trash Water)What else would you expect from a rare two day long morning hour, multi-track, multi-take recording but absolute bullshit from our contestants. Get ready for your stomach to literally churn alongside mine. Learn about The Wizard and get that mayonnaise the way you really wanted it. It's Chapped!--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-09-3040 minChappedChapped - Episode 12 - MadelineWhat else would you expect from a 5 month break but a brooding tangent on dark animation magic for a pastry, a special guest in the final judgement, and an egregious error when selecting the programing straight from the get go. Guess who's back? Shady's back.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-09-1837 minChappedChapped - Episode 11 - Johnny CakeEveryone needs a friend in these "uncertain times." Have you ever considered an edible, corn-meal based buddy? Find out if your answer is yes in this seafood spectacular where the East Coast accent attempts are, dare we say, numerous.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-05-1138 minChappedChapped - Episode 10 - Lots of BlinksUpdate: This is the end of the latency issue episodes. We know this because they are recorded up to a month in advance.In this episode, we see the most anti-climatic end of the $50K Tournament of Chopped Champions. We have a life sized DMX, disgusting appetizer basket ingredients, and the most rapid hand motions we've ever seen.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-04-0833 minChappedChapped - Episode 9 - The Horrific Pre-Evolution of GeodudeWhat cruel fate befalls our host. Just as a former employer comes forth as a subscriber, an unknown latency issue renders this episode borderline un-listenable. For the brave - a deep dive into Geodude lore and a special musical treat in the final moments of this treasure trove of comedy prompts. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-03-2436 minChappedChapped - Episode 8 - All hail the reaction shot!What cruel fate brings a show I cooked up to quell my solitude, but a couples themed episode with the biggest spoiler yet: ICGZ is married to a woman. Listen as respected judges desecrate high quality pork and I make a crucial naming error. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-03-1238 minChappedChapped - Episode 7 - VinagreatPerhaps the greatest portmanteau ever created - or at least as good as I'll ever accidentally conjure into existence. Cheesy puns flow like melted cheese this cheese themed episode, which is to say, not quickly. Let's dig in.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-02-1836 minChappedChapped - Episode 6 - Oh God is it Ashley?Possibly the only time I should have allowed myself to up the volume just enough to understand how the heck these contestants' names are pronounced. Guess we'll never know. There's no way of knowing. One thing we do know, it's a Cake Battle, so you know it's going to be slow going.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-01-1838 minChappedChapped - Episode 5 - Lauren Leave Ya ManBoy, have I been on my own personal chopping block as of late. That is to say, I finished this episode 2 months ago and haven't done much since.I'm guessing this title alludes to a woman who will steal your woman as a competitor. Let's find out together.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2020-01-1636 minChappedChapped - Episode 4 - Hungry BogartI spent so much time on finally adding intro and outro music I completely have deleted all memories of the episode. I think this is part one of "The Brady Abomoninations"--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2019-11-1037 minChappedChapped - Episode 3 - Michelin StarHubris is the name of the game for this episode, and pretty much every episode. I still haven't figured out who we have to thank - is it the editing room or the producers? Is there even a director? Which good god gives us such insight into these poor saps' follies? Whomever it is, a heartfelt gratitude for the schadenfreude of watching a dickhead fall.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2019-08-2839 minChappedChapped - Episode 2 - Like Figgy PuddingEveryone's favorite Christmastime treat, and, if I remember correctly, a mnemonic device one of these poor saps attempts to employ to get us to understand that her name really is what it is. Or is that totally off base? You know I can never catch what their names are.Chopped Season 40 - Episode 57Chapped Season 1 - Episode 2--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2019-08-2535 minChappedChapped - Episode 1 - Panda CottaThis is not a podcast. This is hard hitting, live action commentary on the most vicious bloodsport still televised - competitive cooking. It's a deep dive into some blasphemous content as we celebrate Ted Allen and that italian dessert favorite, Panda Cotta.Chopped - Season 40, Episode 66.Chapped - Episode 1--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/chapped/message2019-04-2138 min