MSW And Tami VerHelst - Podcast Details

Shows

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionCounteractive Change Vs. Transformational ChangeIn this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they’ll never hurt you again. TAKEAWAYS: [1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change. [4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change. [5:33] Honesty is a complicated request. [9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors. [11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patte...2025-07-251h 01

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionEarly Recovery Slogans and MantrasIn this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter. [3:06] “Focus on your side of the street.” [6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.” [9:15] Whatever you put in front o...2025-07-2555 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionAre You Volunteering Yourself for Pain?In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address participant questions about sex, intimacy, betrayal, and addiction. They answer questions about finding peace with yourself in the midst of rage and repulsion, choosing recovery and allowing the process of forgiveness to play out, and how to find hope in the midst of betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] Forgiveness is a process and recovery is a choice. [7:01] Are you taking care of your spouse while you’re dying inside? [12:26] Is in-house separation the next right step? [18:18] My husband...2025-06-281h 03

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionDoes Forgiveness Equal Trust?In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address the facts about forgiveness, trust, connection and peace, both in the early days of recovery as well as years down the road. They offer strategies for effective in-house separation, call out the warning signs of gaslighting, and get serious about setting feelings aside to start facing the facts. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] How can I find an accountability partner for filtering software? [7:20] Is it a slip or a relapse? [9:20] What are appropriate time frames and factors for recovery? ...2025-06-281h 04

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIs He an Addict or Just an A**hole?In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal? [3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole? [7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery? [12:09] My wife can’t get o...2025-05-1556 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionRegaining Trust After RelapseIn this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They offer resources for therapeutic separation, communication at every stage of recovery and reconciliation, and tools for practicing empathy with betrayed partners. TAKEAWAYS: [:24] Does my partner need to see a psychoanalyst first to get honest about his past? [4:28] What resources are available for communication building in the later stages of recovery and reconciliation? [9:17] How can I work to regain trust after recent relapses? [13:35] How do I...2025-05-0852 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHealing Attachment Wounds with Troy LoveTroy Love and Tami answer participant questions about attachment wounds, shame, healthy boundaries, and the reality that an addict is always going to be an addict. It’s only how they chose to move forward in recovery that will change their life for better. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner betrayed me and now we live like roommates. How can I refine myself whether I stay or go? [6:27] How can I stop judging myself for staying? [10:01] My wife doesn’t think I’m working hard enough in recovery. Is there a timeline we should...2025-05-0151 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionRebuilding Trust Through ConnectionDr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity. [3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments? [4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs? [8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust? [16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is this normal? [20:04] Setting healthy b...2025-04-2458 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionBetrayal Brain with Debbie McRaeDebbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked. TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped. [4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain. [5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal. [10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe. [12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hij...2025-04-1753 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionSupporting Your Partner Through Their Recovery Is Not Your JobDr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure. TAKEAWAYS: [:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play? [7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves. [12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out...2025-04-1059 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionShould I Stay or Leave?Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? [12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery...2025-03-2053 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow Can I Rebuild Trust?Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? [6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? [10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and...2025-03-1355 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionAttachment Theory and Addiction RecoveryIn this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships. TAKEAWAYS: [:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery. [1:58] The history and research of attachment theory. [7:02] Emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity. [8:20] Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits....2025-02-2047 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionDopamine Dysregulation in Sex/Porn AddictionIn this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure. [3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions. [6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous. [6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wro...2025-02-1349 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionBuilding a Better Higher Power Relationship with Mark Anthony LordMark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery. He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church. TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark’s spiritual path. [4:47] Learning how to forgive is a critical component of effective healing. [6:45] Church can be a place of gathering, healing and community. [12:55] 12-Step Church offers...2025-02-0639 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhy is Porn So Addictive?In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn’ – all from a porn addict’s perspective. [2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts? [4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive. [12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn? [13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by plea...2025-01-2357 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionNavigating the Pain FieldDr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language. [5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pa...2025-01-1657 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow Can I Prevent Relapse?Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating? [8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain. [11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse. [13:20] Handling...2024-12-2658 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionTriggers for Addicts and PartnersEvery recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off? [2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, lonelin...2024-12-1952 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionAm I Really Ready to Forgive?Forgiveness is a long and winding process. Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded. Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change. TAKEAWAYS: [:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness? [6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness? [10:05] What is a realistic timeli...2024-12-051h 01

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow and Why to Apologize with Jon TaylorAn apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize. TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology. [4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage. [6:41] Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the first step, then asking ‘How can I help?’” [12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment...2024-11-2746 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionLying Will Not Help You Regain TrustDr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is prioritizing their partner as well. TAKEAWAYS: [0:44] If sex addiction is so prevalent, why are there so many strip clubs? [03:51] Any tips for practicing rigor...2024-11-2155 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Want to Leave, But….Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to l...2024-11-1455 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow and When Can We Connect Intimately Again?Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways? TAKEAWAYS: [0:27] I’m turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template? [4:30] Even models are made to feel like...2024-11-0759 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow Do I Know When It’s Time to Get Help?Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place. What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should the intimacy focus be placed in every step of recovery? TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My husband’s porn addiction has grown to include trans sex. What does this mean...2024-10-3154 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIs My Sex Addict’s Empathy Actually Gaslighting?Dr. Rob and Tami explore some questions from sex addicts and betrayed partners about trust, intimacy, gaslighting, and disclosure. Dr. Rob highlights the difference between addictive behaviors and sexual preferences, offers a realistic timeline for full disclosure and healing, and explains (again) that there is nothing a partner can do to force an addict to act out. Dr. Rob has written a number of addiction books and explains which one would be most beneficial to whom, and offers additional support options for addicts and betrayed partners. TAKEAWAYS: [0:29] Does wearing women’s underwear mean I’m...2024-09-1257 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIs It My Fault He Cheated On Me?Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community’s questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners’ of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you’re looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website. TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] You can’t control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so...2024-08-011h 01

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhen Do I Need Help for My Addiction?Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more! TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind? [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pa...2024-06-271h 00

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Just Love My Addict Spouse, But Yet They Always Hurt MeErin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] He claims to be sober, but he’s doing nothing to be sober? [4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men. [15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do. [18:15] Most peo...2024-05-3059 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionFAQ for 12-Step Programs for Sex Addicts Answered in this Podcast!Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Today’s episode covers common questions around the 12-step program. [3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others. [3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts? [5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are differe...2024-05-061h 05

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Sex Addict Says It’s All My Fault; Is This True?Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough’. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I’m wo...2024-04-2552 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Am Married to an Addict and I Don’t Want to Break Up My FamilyDr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again? [9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so...2023-12-1435 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Betrayed Me And Yet Believes All The Flirting He Does Is Completely Innocent!Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship? [7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery? [14:45] I’m acting...2023-12-0735 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Feels So Uncomfortable In Recovery. Will It Get Better?Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it. TAKEAWAYS: [1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting...2023-11-3026 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Have a Restraining Order. Is There Any Hope He’ll Ever Stop Using?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent? [2:45] How do you define recovery? [8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swe...2023-11-2322 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionThe Separate Journeys of Couples in RecoveryDr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy? TAKEAWAYS: [:23] My SA husband’s one-year sobriety date is today. It’s also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner. [2...2023-11-2130 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionAm I Just Having Fun, or Is This a Full-Blown Addiction?Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can...2023-11-0831 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Wife Has a Pattern of Infidelity, but I Love HerDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner about his wife’s recurring infidelity. What first begins as innocent text messages with a stranger quickly turn sexual for her. It’s a pattern that has repeated over and over. As he is trying to save the relationship, he wonders if this is all due to her traumatic and awful past where she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Dr. Rob clarifies on what might be going on with a female sex addict. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My wife goes through the sa...2023-11-0326 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionShe Cheated on Me! And Yet, I’m the One in Recovery?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict who has also been betrayed by his spouse. They have both hurt each other with their addictions/infidelities, however, it seems unfair that he’s in treatment for his demons and she is running around scot-free. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how you can move forward and focus on your own recovery despite experiencing a betrayal from your partner. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] I’m absolutely DONE with my addict. I can’t move out yet, so what can I do for my own safety? [5:0...2023-10-2632 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhy Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt?Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal? TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or en...2023-10-2031 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionCan Harm Reduction Be Considered Sober?Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it makes sense for an addict to be put on a harm reduction treatment for sex addiction. A listener writes in wondering if he should completely stop or if reducing the impact and damage through harm reduction is a good starting point. Dr. Rob sets the record straight on what he thinks about harm reduction and honesty. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My partner admitted he’s a liar and a cheater, but will not admit he’s an addict. He doesn’t “relate” to it. Will he ever be sober?...2023-10-1128 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Really Want to Change but My Empathy is BrokenDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who is struggling to be a more empathetic person to their partner. Despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to be present and emotionally available for her. Is this because he has ADHD? Is he just broken? How can he fix this? Dr. Rob and Tami offer a more detailed insight into what might actually be going on. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I build trust with myself again to pick better after dating a sex addict? [2:35] Date them long enough to see...2023-10-1033 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Is Super Jealous Despite Being the One Who Cheated on Me!Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do when your addict is incredibly jealous when you have friends of the opposite sex. It seems very hypocritical when they’re the ones who caused harm and cheated in the first place. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how to set healthy boundaries with someone who is out-of-their-mind jealous. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I believe my addict is being honest without a polygraph? [6:25] My boyfriend is obsessed with his niece. Very touchy with her. This seems very strange. [11:30] He accuses me of...2023-09-2827 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionThe 12-Steps Just Don’t Work For Me. I Just Don’t Fit InDr. Rob and Tami discuss what an addict can do if the 12-step program just isn’t for them. Should they stop going? Should they keep white-knuckling it? Tami offers resources for those who feel very out of place at these particular meetings. When it comes to recovery, getting the help you need and doing so correctly is the most important step in the process. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I noticed my SA and other SA men do not have healthy male friendships. Is this normal? [4:15] If these unhealthy female relationships make you uncomfortable, you...2023-09-2231 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhat Are the Triggers of a Midlife Addiction?Dr. Rob and Tami discuss why someone would “suddenly” become an addict in their mid-40s. Sometimes, there were no inklings that this person was even an addict in the first place, but how true is that? Dr. Rob breaks down why someone might become an addict out of the blue in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband has nocturnal emissions. Is this normal or is he just lying? [8:05] My husband left some things out in formal disclosure. His therapist doesn’t think these details were important. Is there any hope that...2023-09-1429 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionAm I Ready to Date Again as a Sex Addict?Dr. Rob and Tami dive into when it makes sense for someone to date again after being sober and in recovery from sex, love, or porn addiction. This can be tricky for some professionals to determine, but Dr. Rob and Tami walk through some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you take that next step in the relationship. Remember, the goal isn’t to have sex in the dating process, it’s to get to know that person. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I know if someone in recovery is ready to date a...2023-09-0729 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Blames Me for All of His Affairs. What?!Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse whose sex addict husband isn’t doing the work. He says that he won’t act out anymore because she’s “fixed” after all the therapy she’s doing. What kind of logic is this? Dr. Rob calls out this deflection behavior and wants every betrayed spouse to remember three important and critical things about themselves. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband says he’ll kill himself before he’ll act out again. Not sure what to make out of this? Should I be concerned? [6:05] My...2023-08-3129 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy 9-Year-Old Daughter Found Out About His Affairs and Now She’s Self-HarmingDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a distraught mother who has no idea how to work through her daughter’s feelings and emotions about her father’s sexual betrayal. Despite the young daughter going to a therapist, the mother is receiving news from him that she should be 100% honest with her daughter about what’s happening in the household. Dr. Rob weighs in on how this isn’t healthy or good advice, and how to best approach this instead. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My 9-year-old daughter found out about his affairs and is now self-harm...2023-08-2825 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionNo! You Ruined My Life and I Hate You!Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how a betrayed spouse can work towards forgiving their partner who is suffering from sex addiction or other related issues. Many addicts fail to understand why it takes their spouse so long to recover from their betrayal. Dr. Rob explains from a betrayed spouse’s point of view how, and when, to move forward. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] What’s the difference between chronic cheating vs. being a sex addict? [3:55] It’s easy for SA to justify their poor behaviors. [4:45] If you can’t stop the cheating...2023-08-1032 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’m Sober But I Still Get Turned On by My Own BodyDr. Rob and Tami discuss whether a listener is truly living a sober life. The listener asked if it’s okay to masturbate to pictures of their own body now that they’re sober from porn. Dr. Rob weighs in on his interesting thoughts on the matter. Dr. Rob also answers questions about when is a good time to initiate intimacy with a SA, and much more. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My addict is doing “borderline” sketchy behavior but hasn’t actually done anything or crossed a line. Should I be mad? [7:10] I’m a female SA i...2023-08-0334 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionShe Hates My Past. How Can I Support Her?Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice from a husband who has betrayed his spouse. Although he’s been sober for 22 months now, his wife still feels so hurt by his past actions. He automatically wants to be on the defensive when she’s upset, but can’t. What are some of the best ways he can comfort his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami share different approaches to help this couple move forward and toward healing. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My spouse and I each have our own therapists. Does it ever make sense for us to meet wi...2023-07-2830 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’m Not Ready to Tell My Spouse I’m an AddictDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is “white knuckling” their recovery. They’re not leveraging their resources to the fullest because their recovery and journey to sobriety are still in secret. Dr. Rob and Tami explain why this isn’t considered a healthy path to long-term recovery, despite being sober. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] I really feel like his recovery journey is too good to be true. Is he really progressing, or is it all still a lie? [9:45] I am 100 days sober, but my wife doesn’t know about my addictions...2023-07-2133 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Husband Publicly Exposes Himself for FunDr. Rob and Tami talk about sex offenders in this week’s episode and how to work with someone who exposes themselves to people non-consensually. The listener admits that her husband has been exposing himself in public parks for a number of years and is concerned that there is no hope for this person in recovery. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how you begin to work a recovery program as a sex offender. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] Will my spouse unlearn his toxic masculinity while in recovery? [4:00] Can you explain a little bit more...2023-07-1329 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhy Is My Addict Such a Liar?!Dr. Rob and Tami talk about compulsive liars in this week’s episode and the reasoning behind someone who can’t seem to tell the truth. If you are a betrayed spouse to someone who regularly lies and deceives, it can be hard to understand why lying can be the go-to safety mechanism for protection. Dr. Rob explains further in this episode why some addicts just can’t stop lying. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Why is sex addiction not about sex? [3:35] I had a relapse and my partner is fed up. I want to build t...2023-07-0627 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Just Doesn’t Care About Sobriety. Can An Addict Ever Recover?Dr. Rob and Tami discuss if it’s possible for an addict to get better when he/she shows all the signs of not putting in the work. Will this person ever wake up to the reality of the pain that they’re causing friends and family? And if not, what can the partner do to protect themself from this situation? Dr. Rob and Tami answer all of this and more. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I’m on my last hope with my partner. Will he ever get sober? [5:35] The path to recovery is bumpy...2023-06-2929 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionCan My Children Inherit This Addiction Disease?Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether your children can become addicts if there’s been generational evidence that addiction and disorders run in the family lineage. The listener also asks if it makes sense to Dr. Rob and Tami to disclose their spouse’s addiction to their grown children to warn them about this disease being hereditary. This can be a bit of a complicated question to answer, but Dr. Rob and Tami do a deep dive into ways to approach this subject. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I want to help him heal, but I can’t...2023-06-2229 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIf They Really Knew Who I Am, They Would Leave MeDr. Rob and Tami answer a question on whether you can become “cured” of narcissism. Narcissism is very common among addicts, especially early in recovery. It’s important to note that there is a path forward to becoming a more empathic person, but there is a specific process to work through to achieve it. In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob and Tami explain that narcissism is often born from deep insecurity and offer important reasons why you should stay sober. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I think I’m working with a narcissist. Is there a cure? 2023-06-1534 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your AddictDr. Rob and Tami answer questions from listeners about setting healthy boundaries and what that might look like. You should never feel compelled to do something just to appease the other person, especially if they’re on a path to recovery. When you set a boundary, it’s not for them, it’s a way to take care and protect yourself. Dr. Rob and Tmai explain more in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] I want to help my addict hear, but I don’t know how. What can I do to support him? [3:3...2023-06-0829 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionCan You Cure Narcissism?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict that is struggling with their own narcissism. Can this condition truly be cured? In this episode, Dr. Rob and Tami explain what a narcissist is and why so many people in recovery have narcissistic traits and qualities. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] How do you work with narcissists? [3:35] Dr. Rob explains how you can work on breaking out of your narcissistic mold. [5:30] Part of recovery is being 100% honest. If you’re honest, your narcissism will get better. [7:55] During the early stage of...2023-06-0134 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhy Can’t I Get Past the 9th Step?Dr. Rob and Tami help someone going through the 9th step process and are currently struggling to reconcile with their wife during this process. His partner still feels incredibly hurt and he is wondering how he can make amends while also soothing her. Dr. Rob and Tami give insight on what living amends really means. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] Do addicts also suffer from fertility issues? [6:00] Whatever you’re ashamed of, tell your doctor. You won’t get the help you need unless you’re honest with them. [6:10] He needs to be sober f...2023-05-2530 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhen Do I Know It’s Time to Completely Separate from My Addict?Dr. Rob and Tami walk through someone who is struggling to figure out whether they should pour more energy into their loved one or if they should finally make the tough decision to separate. Dr. Rob understands that the listener wants to make sure they’ve exhausted all their options so that they can leave the relationship ‘with no regret’, but he explains why that’s not always the best approach. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Should I stay or should I go? [2:45] I want to make sure I’ve exhausted all possible options before I leave my ad...2023-05-1930 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Addict’s Family Blames Me for His AddictionDr. Rob and Tami talk about why a family might put all the focus and blame on the betrayed spouse and not look at the actual family member (their son or daughter who is the one struggling with the addiction) to put their anger and disappointment on. Dr. Rob shares a bit of a reminder that you’re working with a broken family unit and they will lash out in unhealthy ways to cope. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I concentrate and retain information better? [7:15] It might be beneficial to see if you’re diag...2023-05-1525 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionCan I Learn How to Be Intimate Again?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is struggling to be intimate with their life-long partner. As an addict, it is so much easier to act out and live in a fantasy than live in reality. The reality is, we often do not know how to connect and build real relationships when we’re in active addiction. Dr. Rob and Tami share how you can break this toxic cycle and build true and meaningful relationships now that you’re sober. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] How do I get over cravings as a chemsex addict...2023-05-0533 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’m an Addict and I’m Attracted to My Female CoworkerDr. Rob and Tami dive into what should an addict do if they’re working around the opposite sex. Obviously, quitting is not always an option nor does it solve the core problem. Dr. Rob offers advice on how to set healthy boundaries with female coworkers and how to ensure you’re still respecting your spouse in this entire process. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] Should my husband remain abstinent for 90 days? [6:00] What is a love addict? [8:55] It can take two years to really have a good and intimate connection with someone. [1...2023-04-2729 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’m in Recovery, but My Partner Is in Active AddictionDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is in recovery, but their partner is not. Is there hope for this relationship? Dr. Rob breaks down why you have to focus on your own journey if you want to get the most out of your sobriety. Maybe your partner will come around, maybe not. Dr. Rob and Tami explain what this means for you. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] How can I get over the betrayal and his relapse? [7:00] One session once a week is just not going to cut it. [10:30] M...2023-04-1927 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’m in Recovery and I Still Have No EmpathyDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a man who is struggling to find honesty and empathy during his journey through recovery. His therapist believes he should dive into his childhood traumas, but he’s unsure of the reasoning behind it. Dr. Rob explains that the way we feel as a child is how we treat our spouses when we grow up. So, if we felt unworthy of love, unseen, or completely ignored, we will do the same to those that are closest to us. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] I’m trying to meet a long...2023-04-1828 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’m So Hurt. How Do I Even Begin to Process the Betrayal?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner on how to process through everything that has happened to her. She has found out about her addict’s affairs and isn’t sure how to process or begin the journey of healing. Dr. Rob and Tami share some tips to get the process jumpstarted. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] I’ve been betrayed and my therapist tells me I need to process through the betrayal. What does that even mean? [7:00] Dr. Rob was getting a massage and he started crying. Sometimes “processing” means just that.2023-04-1835 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Brother-In-Law Intentionally Triggered My PTSD. Do I Disown the Family?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse that experienced sexual assault when she was younger. Her SA partner’s brother was being very disrespectful and chose not to listen to her wishes/boundaries and intentionally triggered her PTSD. When you’re in a situation where you’re with mean or rude family members, what should you do or focus on? Dr. Rob and Tami share their thoughts and advice. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] I have performance anxiety and ED issues due to chemsex. How should I communicate this to my urologist? [4:20...2023-04-0127 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Watches Incest Porn. Are My Children Safe?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a heavy question from a listener about whether she should be concerned that her husband is around their children after he revealed some of his porn preferences. Dr. Rob weighs in on his thoughts and what you should do when you find out your addict has been watching very disturbing and “not normal” porn. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My husband suffers from depression and it’s starting to drag me down. How can I better support myself and him? [3:30] Dr. Rob shares a self-assessment to confirm whether your husband has dep...2023-03-2734 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHis Sexual Fantasies are Out of Control and It’s Turning into Sexual AbuseDr. Rob and Tami answer a listener's question who feels very stuck and hopeless. She feels trapped because it seems the aggression in sex with her addict is getting worse and worse. He has intense sexual fantasies throughout the day and wants to keep acting out with them. Is there hope for someone like this? TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I have performance anxiety. I can’t seem to perform now that I’m sober. [2:20] Intimacy is scary. How do you talk about your performance anxiety? [4:45] My SA husband has relapsed and then slipp...2023-03-1530 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Addict Doesn’t Trust Me! The Audacity. He Thinks I’ll Cheat Back.Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a very upset listener. Her partner is accusing her of being unfaithful after the discovery because he feels she will just want to cheat back after finding out about everything this man has done. She is furious that this man is projecting his insecurities onto her. Dr. Rob and Tami share how this woman can protect herself, heal herself, and move forward from this projection. TAKEAWAYS: [:50] Should my SA husband be treated for OCD? [4:45] I keep thinking I don’t actually want to be...2023-03-1531 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionShe Had a Ring On, and He Respected It. Yet He Still Cheated in Our Marriage.Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a very hurt spouse. Her husband has found himself sexually attracted to amarried woman, and although he was honest with her, she can’t understand why he’ll respect the marriage of a stranger but not his own marriage. What’s going on with this person? Does he have so little care about their own marriage? Dr. Rob and Tami share some insights. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA has no empathy. Is this fixable? [4:40] How do I know if my addict truly wants to change? [1...2023-03-0733 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Cheated. Was My Entire Marriage a Lie?Dr. Rob and Tami share some light into why an addict might betray their spouse’s trust. Was the last 40-plus years of marriage all a lie? The answer is no. Addicts are deeply broken people and, although this is not an excuse, they show love in very puzzling and misguided ways. Dr. Rob and Tami offer some understanding and insight into why an addict might think, and do, the things that they do. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I respond to my addict when he says I don’t appreciate him enough? [9:00] My SA...2023-03-0728 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Betrayed Spouse Thinks I’m Disgusting. Can We Reconcile?Dr. Rob and Tami get a question from a SA who is experiencing a lot of shame and distress in his current relationship. After disclosing to his wife all the betrayals and hurts he has caused her, she is having a hard time adjusting to this new-found information. She has expressed that she thinks he’s disgusting for having certain sexual preferences. Is there any hope for him to reconcile and have a loving relationship again with his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami offer some insight into what’s really going on. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How d...2023-02-1630 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionThe Opposite of Addiction Is Healthy AttachmentDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is struggling with their ambivalent emotions against their addict. Dr. Rob senses this betrayed spouse has too much investment in the addict and not enough care or compassion for themselves. It’s important as a betrayed partner to practice self-care and to get a support group for your journey also! TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA has had a couple of slips since his recovery. Is this normal? [6:25] You don’t have to be nice when he is hurting you! [9:25] Here are some...2023-02-1536 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHelp! I Want to Relapse!Dr. Rob and Tami understand that when you’re going through recovery and begin hitting milestones, you start to question why you’re really doing all of this. The journey to recovery is often hard and challenging, but it is worth it. If you’re starting to get that itch to relapse, you need to connect with your community. There is so much healing in your community! TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I’m relapsing on porn due to work stress and anxiety. How do I fight back? [5:50] What are you currently doing to enjoy more of y...2023-02-0230 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionOne Month Sober and I Want to Flip Tables and End It AllDr. Rob and Tami understand that when you're going through recovery and begin hitting milestones, you start to question why you’re really doing all of this for. The journey to recovery is often hard and challenging, but it is worth it. If you’re starting to get that itch to relapse, you need to connect with your community. There is so much healing in your community! TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I’m relapsing on porn due to work stress and anxiety. How do I fight back? [5:50] What are you currently doing to enjoy more of...2023-01-3131 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Boundaries Keep Getting Violated. Do I Need to Just Accept It?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who seems to have their boundaries constantly pushed and violated. If you feel like you have to accept something unacceptable, take a step back and remind yourself that you don’t! Dr. Rob and Tami offer some perspective on this situation. TAKEAWAYS: [:40] What’s the difference between a trauma therapist vs. a trauma coach? [4:35] You should always get the most qualified person to help you through your issue or problem. [6:20] My partner keeps worrying that I will relapse. What can I...2023-01-2632 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHe Emotionally Abuses Me, Is He a Sociopath?Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether someone can be a sociopath as well as a sex addict. This betrayed partner is being verbally abused and is wondering if the addict is suffering from some sort of disorder. Dr. Rob and Tami get real and share why someone might just be plain abusive and not have sociopathic tendencies. TAKEAWAYS: [:40] My partner gets triggered and I never know what to do. How can I help her? [4:30] Can I get my betrayed partner to also help him/her manage my triggers? [7:40] I...2023-01-1928 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Addict Keeps Accusing Me of Cheating. I'm Not! What?!Dr. Rob and Tami answer a troubling question from a listener. Her husband is accusing her of cheating and he even called her a nasty name because he found out someone had a high school crush on her over 40 years ago. What is going on with this person? He’s the one with the addiction, not her, so why is she getting so much heat? Dr. Rob and Tami dive into what might be causing such a phenomenon. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I need to get organized. I need some sort of structure. How can I do...2023-01-0923 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionHow Does Addiction Affect The Family Unit?Dr. Rob and Tami explain to the listeners how addiction has ripple effects on family dynamics. Many addicts think they’re great parents to their children, but that could not be further from the truth. If you’re not a great partner to your spouse, you are causing ripples of trauma not only in the way they show up but in the way your children are parented. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how addiction affects more than just the addict in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] How does sex addiction affect the family and the...2023-01-0924 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhy Does My Addict Cause Me So Much Pain? It’s Because He’s BrokenDr. Rob and Tami understand that it can be incredibly frustrating for a betrayed partner to deal with an addict’s head trash and lies and deceit. But why do they bring you into their mess in the first place? Why can’t they just be alone and not hurt people with it? Dr. Rob understands it can be very hard to see through the eyes of an addict, but there is so much more below the surface. At the end of the day, these people are deeply hurt and broken people who are struggling and have no tools to h...2022-12-2237 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionShould I Leave My Partner After 2 Years?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a young listener who is wondering if their trauma and attachment style is the problem or if they’re truly incompatible with the person they’re currently with? They don’t know what to do. Life circumstances might have gotten in the way where this person feels resentful towards their partner, but Dr. Rob and Tami share their wisdom and advice on when it makes sense to stay, or to move on, in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I resent and punish my partner. Is this a pro...2022-12-1926 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIf You Don’t Sleep with Me, I Will Cheat on YouDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse on what to do when your SA partner is trying to coerce you into having intimate sex again, or else there will be consequences. Dr. Rob has some choice words for this person that he will refrain from using. Kidding! He didn’t hold back in this episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Suggestions on how to find a CSAT for my betrayed spouse? [1:30] Can you help me understand forgiveness? [9:10] What you’re feeling is accurate. Trust it. [10:50] I don’t want...2022-12-1933 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Make the Money, so I Make the DecisionsDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner who is trying to find the help and support she needs, but her SA husband will not fund her therapist because he “makes the money.” What can you do when your partner is not supportive of your recovery and healing journey? He says he’ll find himself a therapist, but his actions have not demonstrated that. Dr. Rob and Tami offer some guidance and advice. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My husband had an emotional affair and only regrets that he lied about it and not that he...2022-12-0931 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Therapist Won’t Hold Me AccountableDr. Rob and Tami talk about whether a therapist should hold their clients accountable. Dr. Rob had some interesting things to say about this. If you’re an addict expecting to have someone else solve your problems or show up for you, then you’re back to your default ways. It’s time to get proactive! TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Why did it go from pretty good to pretty miserable in my marriage with an addict? [6:20] Two months after the discovery and he wants to have sex! He’s also gaslighting me. What should I do?...2022-11-2426 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionWhat’s the Difference Between Letting Go and Forgiveness?Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the difference between letting go and forgiving someone who has deeply hurt and betrayed you. Forgiveness is much like grief and it comes in waves, one day you think you’re doing alright and ready to move on, the next, you’re having a hard time getting up off the floor. If you’re a betrayed spouse, you’re not alone in these feelings. Dr. Rob sheds light on how “letting go” vs. “forgiving” works, in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] Why does my husband still have slips? [5:20] With h...2022-11-1730 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI Broke Her Trust and I Keep Messing UpDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a man who is breaking his connection with his spouse. When he and she are in conflict, he can’t seem to find a way to make her feel better, show up for her in her pain, and understand. His lack of empathy is pushing their relationship further and further away and he’s afraid of losing her. Dr. Rob shares how you can build empathy with a betrayed partner, in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What’s the best way to find a sponsor? [2...2022-11-1031 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionYou Glorifying Your Addiction Makes Me Trust You LessDr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse who is incredibly hurt to find out her partner still believes his acting out activities were worth it. In cases like these, especially when an addict is new to recovery, you have to communicate your hurt feelings and lack of trust in him. It can be painful for anybody to hear this from their partner and they must know that they’re starting back from zero. More on this in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What is considered “healthy” masturbation? [3:35] You need...2022-11-1030 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionI’ve Been in Recovery for Two Years. Why Are Things Not Back to Normal?Dr. Rob and Tami explain to someone in recovery why their betrayed spouse still feels hurt and angry despite him being in recovery for the last two years. Will things ever go back to normal? The answer is no. Dr. Rob explains that “normal” was not sustainable. You were an addict and you were living a lie! As you go forward in your marriage, you have to embrace a new normal. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My wife thinks she doesn’t respect herself for coming back and forgiving me. How can I show up for her? ...2022-11-0132 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIs He a Chronic Cheater or Is He Just an Addict?Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the difference between being a cheater vs. an addict. If your partner is just out and they’re unable to think about you or have you in mind, they’re immature. The same goes for cheating. The immaturity of cheating is by not having your partner in mind at all when you’re out committing the act. However, with sex addiction, it has nothing to do with immaturity and everything to do with being psychologically broken. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Are SAs able to compartmentalize or are they just in denial...2022-10-2033 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIs He Just White Knuckling His Way Through Recovery?Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a fed up partner who has stuck by their addict for the last ten years and has finally had enough. Now, he wants to change for the better. Dr. Rob and Tami explore whether their relationship really is gone for good, or if there’s still hope for recovery. They explain the concept ‘dry drunk’ and why some addicts feel like they’ve got it ‘white knuckle’ their way through recovery instead of surrender and be vulnerable. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] He’s been sober for a year but still has a...2022-10-1333 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionIf You Can’t Hold on to Hope, Let Someone Else Hold It For YouDr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do if you’re feeling hopeless in your recovery. If you are someone who messed up in your marriage or you’re the betrayed partner that’s thinking that the two of you will never recover, don’t lose hope! If you’re feeling low and beaten, ask someone in your support group to hold onto your hope for you. We do recover, and things do get better. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] How do I stop triggers and thoughts from becoming behaviors? [5:15] He rarely offers me comfort. Will...2022-10-0733 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Addict Keeps Shutting My Emotions DownDr. Rob and Tami answer a listener’s question about why her husband in recovery keeps shutting her down when she gets vulnerable or shows emotions. Dr. Rob suspects it might be due to guilt and this is why it makes him uncomfortable. Instead of looking internally at the cause, he tries to shut you down to prevent him from feeling his true emotions. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I’ll make up issues so that I can create distance with my partner. What’s wrong with me? [3:45] It’s better to come back later and be ho...2022-09-3034 min

Overcoming Betrayal & AddictionMy Addict Blames Me for His Addictions!Dr. Rob and Tami are not surprised by some people’s behavior, especially when they’re deep in their addiction. A betrayed spouse writes in saying her SA husband does not want to reconcile. He blames her for her monogamy and the feminist agenda for corrupting her and causing him to act out. Can a CSAT help a man like this? Dr. Rob and Tami answer her painful question. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] When can we have sex again? [3:10] Don’t have sex with anyone you don’t trust. [6:10] My SA husband is sexual...2022-09-3027 min

Sex, Love, and AddictionPart 2: Q&A with Tami: Jealous Spouses, Unresolved Relationships and Emotional ImmaturityYou wrote in, and Rob and Tami want to answer! Rob’s compadre and sidekick, the great Tami VerHelst, returns to the show for another Q&A episode. Just a few of the questions/answers include: dealing with a jealous spouse, what to do when you can’t stop thinking about an old relationship, and understanding emotional immaturity.2019-10-1600 min

Sex, Love, and AddictionPart 1: Q&A with Tami: Relapse, Objectifying Others and Doing the WorkYou wrote in, and Rob and Tami want to answer! Rob’s compadre and sidekick, the great Tami VerHelst, returns to the show for a Q&A episode. Just a few of the questions/answers include: worrying about partner relapse, how to control objectifying others, and attending meetings vs. doing the work.2019-10-1600 min

Sex, Love, and AddictionAnswering Your Questions with Dr. Rob and TamiThis week, Rob returns with the great Tami VerHelst, his sidekick and first point of contact for the important questions that get sent their way. Tami came up with her list of best and newest questions over the recent weeks and generalized them to boil it down to a combination of the original question and common questions they get quite often. TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Q: How does one figure out sexual preference when acting out with the same sex? A: That is a hard question, and because there are so many levels to i...2018-11-2234 min

Sex, Love, and AddictionWhat Men Caught Cheating Need To Know with Dr. Rob and TamiThis week, Rob is joined this week by his compadre and sidekick, Tami VerHelst. They discuss a topic and challenge that comes up so often that it inspired Rob’s book, Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. Rob shares how he wrote a book to help men, but knew that the women in their lives would purchase (and possibly throw at them). Rob and Tami also discuss cheating in the digital age, what men typically do that makes the situation worse, and some steps that will actually heal relationships. TAK...2018-11-1532 min

Sex, Love, and AddictionHelping Heal Addiction with Dr. Rob and TamiTami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is...2018-05-3136 min