Shows
Oh Six AnswersSam DeenSam Deen joins us while traveling cross country with his wife and son. He talks about a pivotal moment during plebe year, followed by a hilarious story involving a TA-50 inspection. Sam shares of his experiences upon leaving the military, towards his entrepreneurial journey starting CrossFit Van Zandt and Van Zandt Coffee. He’s especially proud of our graduating class and looks forward to hearing more from others. Sam explains more about his current road trip, which ties in with his question asking others when’s the last time they’ve hung out with a classmate.2023-11-2135 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastLunar: Silver Star - Downtown BrownSquare Roots - Episode 377 UPDATE: Johnny’s computer got dead enough that it is being fixed by the Geek Squad! Yay! On this Jimless episode of Square Roots Johnny, Vanessa and Matthew get frequently derailed by asides to the point where they forget what they’re supposed to be doing, but what they’re doing is recording the penultimate episode of our book club style playthrough of Lunar! That’s right, there’s every kind of reveal. Was Matthew correct? Also: - Johnny and Vanessa Fail Astronomy - Big Polyamory Is Killing...2023-08-212h 13
The Forgotten Country Radio ShowEP 14.04 | Greensboro Woman | Townes Van Zandt | AppalachiaMatt and Drew discuss " Greensboro Woman " by Townes Van Zandt. To listen to the full show, visit ForgottenCountryRadioShow.com.2023-06-2601 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy 7 Remake Part 5 - No One Cares About The Emperor's New GrooveSquare Roots - Episode 369 It's a rare Johnnyless episode today but Vanessa, Jim and Matthew pick up the slack! That's right, Matthew has his own stupid game! Vanessa pushes along the quest log! Matthew licks Pringles! On this chunker of Final Fantasy 7 Remake: NOTHING HAPPENS, but somehow it takes 11 hours of game time. Also: - Labe Flapping - Ramsay Can't Solve Alcoholism - It's Mako Town - The Hat Guy Fandom This Week: We finish Chapter 15! Next Week: We finish the main game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.c...2023-06-192h 16
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastBaldur's Gate - D&D: HatSquare Roots - Episode 360 Join Johnny "Bhaal Boy" Brandon and Straight Girl Vanessa as well as Matthew and Jim as we allllmost finish Baldur's Gate, but then don't. So yeah, there's gonna be a couple more episodes! In this chunker instead we (except Johnny) visit Ulgoth's Beard and then including Johnny attack Durlag's Tower, a fiendish den of traps and trappery. Also: - Who wrote the West Wing? - CHAHLEE MAH BAYBEE - All That Smushes is Mouth - Matthew Loves Wolf-Weres - Secret Pro Level Chess Moves - Put...2023-04-171h 54
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSouth Park: The Stick of Truth Part 1 - Urine: The Fart of the FrontSquare Roots - Episode 325 You asked for it, you get it: this week your Square Roots pals start South Park: The Stick of Truth! And... some of us really like it? A lot? Especially one who you think wouldn't like it at all? Yeah, that one! Also: - Matthew Refuses to Go to a Used Game Store - No Matthew Life Spoilers - Recasting Taskmaster USA - Too Hot to Dance - Spork & Clork - Benny Hill Racist is Pretty Racist - Vanessa is a Ray of Sunshine 2022-08-012h 26
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy Tactics Part 2 - She's the Andraste of These Twelve DudesHooray! We're all back, and there definitely were no arguments edited out of this episode! Instead, we're playing the first chunker of Chapter 2: that's right: you get to find out all sorts of secrets about the Princess! You keep bumping into Delita for some reason! Ramza is a grown up now and he's mad! Also: - No arguments whatsoever! - Matthew denies the existence of both TMNT 2: The Arcade Game *and* TMNT 3: The Manhattan Project! - Fred Savage as Delita, Macaulay Culkin as Ramza! - Matthew's Racing Stripe Beard That Goes...2022-03-141h 42
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy Tactics - Nobody NoseAlright! We're now onto Matthew's Official Favourite Game of All Time: Final Fantasy Tactics! We're playing War of the Lions, but you can play whatever version you like, depending on if you like your translations Classic or Extra Spicy. There's plenty of talk about classes, class, and classiness this week! Also: - Not Every Moustached Man is Brian David Gilbert - Hugh Can Dance - Matthew's Pleasant ASMR Robot - Watching Dad Shows - Robot Insurance And so much more! This Week: We finish Chapter 1! Next Week: Golgollada Gallows2022-02-282h 01
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMetal Gear Solid - GFH: Glasses Floppy HairNOW WITH 90% LESS CHIPMUNK VOICES! You probably saw this one coming: it's a two hander! Johnny and Matthew dig through the second disc of Metal Gear Solid, with Johnny finding it brisk and fun and poor Matthew feeling like it takes forever. But you've got some iconic boss fights, weird jokes, and completely reconstructed cut scenes between the original PlayStation version and the GameCube Twin Snakes. Also this episode: - Muscle Milkers - Metal Gear as Metroidvania - Matthew Can't Handle The Master Miller Twist - Gemome Soldiers - Johnny Can't...2021-12-291h 35
CAFE InsiderStay Tuned Bonus 10/21: Steven Van ZandtIn this Bonus from Stay Tuned, actor and musician Steven Van Zandt talks about the state of rock and roll and answers a series of lightning round questions. Thank you for being a member of the CAFE Insider community.Stay Tuned with Preet is produced by CAFE and the Vox Media Podcast Network.Executive Producer: Tamara Sepper; Technical Director: David Tatasciore; Senior Producers: Adam Waller, Matthew Billy; Audio Producer: Nat Weiner; Editorial Producers: Noa Azulai, Sam Ozer-Staton.2021-10-2114 minCAFE InsiderStay Tuned Bonus 10/21: Steven Van ZandtIn this Bonus from Stay Tuned, actor and musician Steven Van Zandt talks about the state of rock and roll and answers a series of lightning round questions. Thank you for being a member of the CAFE Insider community.Stay Tuned with Preet is produced by CAFE and the Vox Media Podcast Network.Executive Producer: Tamara Sepper; Technical Director: David Tatasciore; Senior Producers: Adam Waller, Matthew Billy; Audio Producer: Nat Weiner; Editorial Producers: Noa Azulai, Sam Ozer-Staton.2021-10-2114 min
Stay Tuned with PreetThe Activist Rock Star (with Steven Van Zandt)Preet answers a listener question about reports that former President Trump was deposed on Monday as part of a lawsuit alleging that his security guards attacked protesters outside of Trump Tower in 2015. He also addresses what will happen if Steve Bannon is held in criminal contempt of Congress. Plus, some thoughts on steakhouses. Then, Preet interviews Steven Van Zandt, aka “Little Steven,” an actor and musician best known as the guitarist in Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band. Van Zandt, who also played mobster Silvio Dante on HBO’s The Sopranos, is out with a new mem...2021-10-211h 16
Trek Untold: The Star Trek Podcast That Goes Beyond The Stars!40: Billy Van Zandt, Rhaandarite Ensign from “Star Trek: The Motion Picture”
Trekkies will remember Billy Van Zandt from one memorable appearance in the Star Trek franchise, but you may know him better for his acclaimed work as a writer and producer for TV & theater, alongside his writing partner Jane Milmore.
Born in New Jersey, Billy headed to Hollywood to pursue an acting career inspired by Lucille Ball. Logically, his first stop was Lucille's home, and he has a story about that, as well as working with her and Gale Gordon on "Life with Lucy" and later producing an Emmy award-winning CBS TV special about her...2021-02-041h 22
Fowl Players RadioSeason 6 Episode 30 Billy Van Zandt- Television Producer and Writer, Actor- "Life With Lucy", "Jaws 2" "Martin" "Anything but Love" "Newhart" and More!Send us a textNOW AVAILABLE ON FOWL PLAYERS RADIO!! www.fowlplayersradio.com Billy Van Zandt is the author of GET IN THE CAR, JANE! Adventures In The TV Wasteland and it has been called the television equivalent of William Goldman’s Adventures in the Screen Trade. A behind the scenes memoir of Emmy-nominated writer/producer Billy Van Zandt and his years making America’s favorite (and not so favorite) sit-coms.He has produced and or written for many sit coms, such as Nurses, Daddy Dearest, Martin, The Hughleys, Yes Dear, The Wayans Brothe...2020-12-031h 00
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFable II - The CrooshibleOkay, I'm just going to say it: this week we mercilessly bully Matthew. It's true. Jim, Vanessa and Johnny focus on Matthew's pronunciation instead of on Lionhead Studio's classic action RPG Fable II. Also he isn't riding the wave of next-gen consoles. Otherwise, we help or hinder farmers, get married, get "divorced", and settle into the fleshy meat of this enjoyable game. This Week: We reach The Spire! Next Week: We reach the assault on Bloodstone! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook...2020-11-161h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story - #HOLESOMEThere's no way that things could get weird in this chunker of Bowser's Inside Story where Bowser eats his vegetables, right? Sam Elliott would disagree, and he is here to guide Vanessa through a world of forbidden pleasure. So much is learned. Johnny might stomp on a model city. Matthew comes out as a finsub. ALSO THERE IS NO BODY SWAPPING IN FATHER OF THE BRIDE VANESSA This Week: Bowser eats too much at the buffet. Next Week: We find out what a Boo-Ray machine is. Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast 2020-08-241h 42
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 4 - [REDACTED]'s 20 Page Post About Ghostbusters 2016[REDACTED] is a really great person, we wish him well. In this episode of Square Roots, we get pretty close to the end of Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 Golden. Some highlights: figuring out the right sequence of dialogue choices to get through the game, how it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake, and Matthew turns out to be right about something. This Week: We finish the seventh castle in Persona 4! Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to GillStudio for letting us use their cover...2020-08-032h 00
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X-2 - Remember How We Made All Those Monkeys [REDACTED]Johnny and Vanessa are the only two left powering through Final Fantasy X-2, but Matthew is here for his colour commentary and still can't get past Yojimbo! In this episode: Vanessa has a lot of feelings, Johnny is here for the Ann Rice-iness of the plot twists, and we get to learn more about the secrets of Baralai, Nooj and Gippal! This Week: We finish Chapter 4! Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Lacey Johnson for her awesome cover of Real Emotion! Links to the...2020-06-081h 30
Liner NotesIGOR - Part 5Part 5 of Lars Walker and I’s discussion of Tyler, the Creator’s 2019 album IGOR.2020-04-2315 minLiner NotesIGOR - Part 4Part 4 of Lars Walker and I’s discussion of Tyler, the Creator’s 2019 album IGOR.2020-04-2309 minLiner NotesIGOR - Part 3Part 3 of Lars Walker and I’s discussion of Tyler, the Creator’s 2019 album IGOR.2020-04-2311 minLiner NotesIGOR - Part 2Part 2 of Lars Walker and I’s discussion of Tyler, the Creator’s 2019 album IGOR.2020-04-2307 minLiner NotesIGOR - Part 1Part 1 of Lars Walker and I’s discussion of Tyler, the Creator’s 2019 album IGOR.2020-04-2310 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy VII - We're the Drain SnakesYou know, going in and out, like a drain snake does. Also: all your favorite 90s jams, Matthew's Head Shop, it takes a busty woman to know a busty woman, Rufus's explodes, Reeve's Reeveal, Tifa and Cloud have sex, and a weapon walks very very slowly. This Week: We fight Hojo! Next Week: We finish Final Fantasy VII?! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Tetrimino for letting us use their fantastic mix of J-E-N-O-V-A and Birth of a God! Check out Tetrimino on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user...2020-04-201h 55Liner NotesIGOR Full AudioThis is the full audio of Lars Walker and I talking about Tyler, the Creator's 2019 album, IGOR.2020-04-1855 minLiner NotesBlonde Full AudioOn this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is the full audio of the conversation.2020-04-091h 02Liner NotesBlonde Part 6On this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is the sixth and final part of our full conversation.2020-04-0913 minLiner NotesBlonde Part 5On this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is part 5 of our full conversation.2020-04-0910 minLiner NotesBlonde Part 4On this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is part 4 of our full conversation.2020-04-0908 minLiner NotesBlonde Part 3On this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is part 3 of our full conversation.2020-04-0910 minLiner NotesBlonde Part 2On this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is part 2 of our conversation.2020-04-0908 minLiner NotesBlonde Part 1On this episode of Liner Notes, I'm joined by Meagan Whitney as we take a look at Frank Ocean's 2016 album Blonde. This is part 1 of our conversation.2020-04-0908 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy VII - No Down SideMatthew is on assignment for this chunker as we dig down into mid section of Disc 1. How long is this disc anyhow? Features of this chunker include: stealing from baby birds, a bit of Barret's back story, a chocobo dance number, Jim's Summon Review Corner, and possibly the worst minigame of all time. This Week: We reach North Coral and prep to get on the Gold Saucer tram! Next Week: We find the secret of Cosmo Canyon! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Tetrimino for letting us use their fantastic mix...2020-03-161h 54
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastYakuza - What's the Omi Alliance Again?On this action-packed Yakuza finale we: celebrate Matthew's return from dangerous lands unknown; enjoy Square Roots's first Triple Jump In Front Of Bullets; question whether or not Johnny has actually seen the new Star Wars; see how many people can die in front of Haruka; organize our mobs politely and SO MUCH MORE! This Week: We finish Yakuza! Next Week: We fly out of Peragus II in Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Vincent Moretto for his metal cover of Receive You...2020-01-061h 39
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastYakuza - I Saw Mommy Cucking Santa ClausCW: Child abuse, transphobia With Matthew still on dangerous assignment, Jim, Vanessa and Johnny get through some family-oriented business in this chunker of Sega's Yakuza (and Yakuza Kiwami)! On this episode we delve into whether or not Santa was supposed to be the dad in I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Vanessa fails to explain cup-sizes in the legendary Yakuza SubStory The Price of an F-Cup, we go gambling with a literal child, Vanessa questions the veracity of a first-time sworker, and so much more! This Week: We finish Chapter 7! Next Week: We finish...2019-12-161h 46
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastYakuza - It's Like Pokémon If You're A PervertWe get lost in the weeds of Sega's open world brawler RPG in this episode of Square Roots. While Matthew is lost in dangerous enemy territory, Vanessa recounts a horrifying beetle experience, Johnny wishes for a sexy wrestling game that will never happen, and Jim takes the swrong kind of cough medicine. This Week: We finish Chapter 5 of Yakuza! Next Week: We finish Chapter 7! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Vincent Moretto for his metal cover of Receive You, and to Esseph for his chipmunk cover of Rouge of Love! 2019-12-091h 41
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastVampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines - Flesh Goblin ButtholesThis week on an exciting, vamp-filled episode of Square Roots: Vanessa fights a street shark with a Japanese demon hunter; the game wants us to pick a fight with a polite Kuei-Jin; Matthew presses 1 through all the dialogue; Johnny completely misremembers game dialogue with way more slurs; the game completely breaks several times and SO MUCH MORE! This Week: We rescue Gary's buddy and recover the sarcophagus! Next Week: We finish Vampire: The Masquerade! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Katja Savia for letting us use her rad cover of Chiasm's...2019-11-181h 43
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastVampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines - It's Pronounced Zoobilee ZooIn this exciting episode of Square Roots Jim disappears, Johnny doesn't know how to pronounce Tzimisce or Hamill, Vanessa's descent into Vampire the Masquerade mythology madness continues, and Matthew meets more pallete-swapped Toots / Sworkers. This Week: We find the Nosferatu warren and head to Chinatown! Next Week: We rescue one of Gary's buddies and get a phone call from him. Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Katja Savia for letting us use her rad cover of Chiasm's Isolated! Check out Katja's work at: YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube...2019-11-111h 53
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastVampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines - Sexy Ventriloquist DummyCW: Mental illness, sexual assault Finally, Vanessa's greatest wish comes true and we start the sexy vampire chronicles of Troika's RPG classic: Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines: The Undying: Reckoning: Turn to the Dark: Revengeance. Join Eponia Shade, Chad Cemetary, Claudius Scares and Mathiu Vamp Zandt as they learn all about the rules of Vampire Prom, find out that there are plenty of stakes in this scenario, and disarm a violent offender. Also Matt skips a vital tutorial and Jim isn't totally sure he's playing the right game. This Week: We head out of Santa Monica...2019-10-282h 13
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSuikoden - A Family AttackShould you train your family to do a coordinated Unite attack? Matthew, Vanessa and a very sick Johnny consider this and so many other ideas in this action packed chunker of Konami's Suikoden. Also: hair hats, rapping about breath play, Los Sabados Gigantes physiology, tea refusal, the low survival rate of tree villages, and so much more! This Week: We defeat Kwanda Rosman in a duel! Next Week: We get to the secret factory! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Banjo Guy Ollie for letting us use his fantastic cover...2019-09-301h 49
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastBreath of Fire III - Translation Error Celestial NavigationMatthew just can't stop his faeries from eating each other in this desert-spanning episode! Breath of Fire somehow manages to go full Sierra game AND begin the space elevator up to Disc 3 Crazy! Vanessa can't find robots, Matthew refuses to believe Johnny about an easily provable fact, and Johnny pitches a great premise for a Ted Talk app. Also! We answer your questions! This Week: We beat the Chimera in Caer Xhan! Next Week: We finish the gaaaaaaaame! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his Breath...2019-09-021h 37
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastBreath of Fire III - Incel SheevAre Jedis just a bunch of Chads? Should you guilt your party members into kissing a horny old man? Just how deadly are eggs? Just what was Johnny talking about that Matthew beeped out? All these questions and more will be answered soon! This Week: We make it to the desert of death! Next Week: We beat the Chimera in Caer Xhan! Our Patreon: patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his Breath of Fire III covers that we will use throughout this series. Check out...2019-08-261h 45
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastBreath of Fire III - Matthew Needs FaeriesBreath of Fire decides to take a long stroll through memory lane as a now grown-up Ryu revisits his childhood haunts. Fortunately Johnny has caught up, Vanessa finds something in common with Peco, there's a game-breakingly good dragon form, and no one can figure out this faerie village minigame. Oh! Also now the quest is to go talk to God, which is a whole thing. This Week: We grab yet another passport from Nina's dad! Next Week: We make it across the sea after about eighty minigames in possibly the most minigame filled episode ever.2019-08-121h 38
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastBreath of Fire III - Matted with ChrysmCW: Child loss, 01h06min-01h12min So many questions this episode. Are we going to get sick of protagonists Gary and Mogu? Can you get chrysm out of fur? Is there anything sadder than the story of the Nue? Is Bunyan Johnny's new husband? Can we put the ghost of Julian to rest? Should we dwell on Teepo's gender? What is Matthew smoking? This Week: We start Breath of Fire III and play until killing the boss of Mount Glaus. Next Week: We escape Momo's Tower in a dramatic manner. 2019-07-221h 38
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFallout - You Belong at the Olive GardenJohnny starts writing his epitaph after a near-disaster at the Olive Garden in this week's chilling Fallout Finale. What really happened to Vanessa's dog? Is Johnny a psychopath? Did Matthew actually finish the game? Where is Jim? Finally, we get a Parasite Eve / Kingdom Hearts crossover that everyone will enjoy. This Week: We finish Fallout! Next Week: We start Breath of Fire III and play until killing the boss of Mount Glaus. Thanks to Lucas King for their Music Box cover of the Fallout 3 theme! Follow Lucas King on Youtube: https://www.youtube.c...2019-07-151h 31
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Tenderoni TosseFinally, Matthew easily plows through Zelda, while John struggles through the finish. With Jim recovering from surgery and Vanessa returning to her home planet it's one more two hander! Topics today include: the death of witch ladies, Nabooru's tragic backstory, Zelda's crystal prison as a metaphor for late capitalism, Persona Q, Fallout excitement, and more! We also get real confused about Zelda timelines. This Week: We play Ocarina of Time to completion! Next Week: We reach Junktown in Fallout 1! Thanks to The Consouls for their awesome jazz cover of Zelda's Lullaby! Find The...2019-06-101h 36
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Jim's Hot InternalsThings get awkward after Vanessa flies back to her home planet and Jim recovers from surgery: that's right, after the level up this is a TWO-HANDER. John continues his angry rage against Nintendo and Ocarina of Time, Matthew lords his skill at Zelda over him, and they fairly easily complete The Hardest Zelda Dungeon Ever. Also: Vanessa has another Theatre Minute! Was the Zelda experiment a failure? Will it destroy the podcast? NO! THE NEXT GAME IS ANNOUNCED AND WE ARE ALL EXCITED! This Week: We complete the Shadow Temple! Next Week: We finish...2019-06-031h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Volvagia & LabiagiaHEYYYYYY OCARINA. Vanessa gets a theme song, John throws his expensive electronic equipment in a fit of rage, there's tons of minigames, Matthew figures out how to skip entire dungeon sections, and there's many hot takes about this game, it's controls, and for some reason the works of Kevin Smith. This Week: We clear the Fire Temple! Next Week: We somehow complete the Water Temple! Thanks to The Consouls for their awesome jazz cover of Zelda's Lullaby! Find The Consouls on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChkiL7Q3d6I7gdgs34...2019-05-272h 04
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Stepping On Your BitsBe prepared to throw your 3DS across the room, because Vanessa, Jim, Matthew and John are back and haven't quite mastered the ancient art of z-targeting. At all. Even while using their wrists. So pull on your stilletos, because on this episode: we meet the Great Fairy; we find a town full of strapping, stereotypical fail sons; head through the Dodge Durango dungeon; John falls in love with the Gorons; we discover Link's boundary issues; we have several cutscenes of large men behaving very, very strangely; the most jam-packed John's Bullshit Minigame Corners ever; and heck somehow even Avengers...2019-05-201h 56
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Hey! Listen!We talk about a spoilerzone at the end of the episode, but it turned out to be so beefy we've moved it to a separate episode! Check your feed! It's a new game! We get to Ocarina some Time! We get acquainted with some glowing ladies, a forest boy without a fairy who never talks, get into some deep vore with a tree, explore Jim's arachnophobia, Matthew explains how motion controls work to Jim (move your wrists), John gets gay married to a shopkeeper, and so much more! This Week: We finish the Lost Woods...2019-05-131h 32
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastEarthBound - Call Your DadHumans of Earth! Are you ready for... Mother 2? Or Earthbound? Whatever you want to call it! On this episode: Vanessa is on the gargle for St. Patrick's Day, John brings back a beloved segment, Matthew has a Level Up Classic, and Jim engages in Laissez-Faire parenting. Talking points for this episode include: attractive nuisances, Captain Strong's child fight club, at what age a child can confidently be called a jerk, and a look at this game's obsession with bed wetting. This Week: We defeat Captain Strong in Earthbound! Next Week: We hop on the Runaway Five...2019-03-251h 40
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Hardening AlistairTHE SHOCKING DRAGON AGE FINALE! We find out why only a Grey Warden can defeat an archdemon, Vanessa has to lend out Alistair's chunker, John does a Riordan voice that just annoys Matthew, Jim gives up, Matthew takes the path of ultimate good, no one bothers with Loghain, and we debate whether or not having an elder god in the body of a child is such a great thing to do. This Week: We finish Dragon Age: Origins! Next Week: We defeat Captain Strong in Earthbound! Thanks to Edward Alenko for letting us use...2019-03-181h 47
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Vanessa, Queen of FereldenOn this exciting episode of Square Roots Johnny is dummy thicc, Matthew is chasing Waterfalls, Vanessa's mom may be the Nanny from Muppet Babies, and Jim is the true Captain Marvel fan. Also: Vanessa is the woman of 1000 Stewarts, forcing yourself into royalty, Battle Alita Toshinden, impromptu Patreon stretch goals, random pitchforkings, and dealing with the future of Ferelden. It's rad! This Week: We have the Landsmeet! Next Week: We finish Dragon Age: Origins! Thanks to Edward Alenko for letting us use his excellent cover of Leliana's Song. You can...2019-03-111h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Gatekeeping Lunatic!NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! Matthew, Vanessa, John and SOMEONE ELSE pack up and head to Denerim, harden Alistair, clear out a brothel, fight in alleys, and maybe get the nicest ladies in the party to try and murder you. Talking points include a village where everyone acts like people in a creepy Stephen King community, adopting the "money pweez" roleplaying stance, The Wynne Button, and settling the Brother Giovanni Ribisi / Brother Jen of Tilly debate forever. This Week: We head out to Denerim and find the Urn of Sacred Ashes! Next Week: We have the Landsmeet! And...2019-03-041h 55
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Ladies Love Cool Dark SpawnVanessa, Matthew and The Gay One link arms as we descend into the creepy, spooky, goopy depths of the Deep Roads! We're joined by the handsome dwarf Oghren, watch as he gets an aximonious divorce, summon the power of Andraste, and more! Topics discussed include: Matt's Mom's MMO Moments, Caridin's big ol' chest, hot political debates between Harrowmont and Bhalen, face blasting, top level PUBG strats, Parasite Eve amounts of breasts, and discovering secret Shale backstory. You'll love it! This Week: We crown a new king of the Dwarves! Next Week: We prepare for the Landsmeet!2019-02-251h 45
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - A Reverse Silence of the Lambs We almost plunge into a full-on Square Roots this week with a wizard who asks you lots of complicated questions, and with a rhyming tree with a sexy / gross request. Also this week: Matthew's werewolf love, shem shaming, Ticklefeather the werewolf, sleepytime camp, and trying in vain to define an RPG. This Week: We solve the plight of the forest elves! Next Week: We pick a side in the Dwarf Dispute until we're asked to head to the Deep Roads! Thanks to Edward Alenko for letting us use his excellent cover of L...2019-02-111h 43
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - Submit to the Taint!Get all of the taint juice in your mouth in this savory, sweaty episode of Square Roots! Matthew is sick, but we experience the joining, meet Matthew's new girlfriend Morrigan, have some good times with Momma Janeway, John riffs on Bann Tegan in a very confusing way, Jim makes some GIF-able moments, and we rescue Bohdan and Sandal! So many exciting adventures are contained within. Also: Vanessa meets Alistair! This Week: We travel to Lothering and resist the siege of Redcliffe! Next Week: We clear the Circle Tower and finish Redcliffe Castle! Thanks to...2019-01-282h 19
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastDragon Age: Origins - BATTLE-MOMVanessa goes Steve Valentine crazy and doesn't even have to tell us he's a magician as we start the year off with our first episode of BioWarey / JanuBioWarey. It's chock-a-block with origin stories, including the surprising fact that we all made female characters, Vanessa's family's bloody ending, Jim being pushed into a life of crime, Matthew consorting with Blood Mages whose names he can't remember, John's encounter with Dragon Age 2's Merrill and so much more. This Week: We reach the Ostegar camp in Dragon Age: Origins! Next Week: We travel to Lothering and resist the...2019-01-211h 42
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - That's So... Ruma?We've been to Paradise, but have we been to me? Yes. Of course we have. We dive into Martin's gaping portal and head off for the penultimate great battle: a very quick sword fight against Mankar Cameron. He loses. It's not very climactic. BUT. Things get real interesting when you get back to the Imperial city! Daedra Kaiju! Self-immolation! The City Guard Versus Martin, if you're Matthew. We wrap up the Thieves and Assassin's Guild, as well as Johnny just doing random weird side quests. And Oblivion is closed, forever! We announce the next game, too: Rogue Galaxy! 2018-10-081h 44
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - TV's GandalfDust off that cloth map, it's time to head to Cyrodil! That's right, we're off to explore the verdant pastures and thrilling forests of Bethesda's Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Topics covered this week: Pee Stew, Vanessa's CSI problem, Matthew's naughty kitty Felix, Vanessa's slight Oblivion obsession, Sean Bean sightings, John blaming glitches for pretty much everything wrong with his life, and so much more! This Week: We meet Brother Martin and rescue him from Kvatch in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Next Week: We play until you interrupt the ceremony with the Path of Dawn cult...2018-09-101h 39
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy VI - Sabin All My Love For YouWe're all flipping water bottles, dabbing, and diving out of moving cars in this exciting, hip, current episode of Square Roots. Is John compensating because he's now 39? Is Matthew known for being angry? Is Vanessa fed up with ladies giving up because they learned about motherhood? Is Jim just cranky? YOU BET. Also there's tons of Star Trek talk, the sad death of Bananaman, the dark, moody World of Ruin, discussing the name Darill, the ethics of looting a crumbling house, ten minutes of Star Trek talk, and so much more. Musical references this week: Living on...2018-08-201h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSierra Roots!MATTHEW'S LAPTOP EXPLODED. So our regularly scheduled episode won't be up for a couple of days. So in the mean time, here is the first episode of Sierra Roots. We discuss the best and worst of Sierra, Vanessa premieres her phantasmagoria true crime podcast documentary, and ReVenture Games's Natalie Juhasz discusses how Laura Bow's beloved stupidity helped inspire Lorna Bains. Final Fantasy VI will be there REAL SOON! I swear!2018-08-131h 21
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFable - Deep Lisa Turtle Lore DiveDid Fable harness the power of the Xbox and our hearts? Or was it a fetid balverine of disappointment? We give our final review of Fable as we finish the game and delve into the extra Lost Chapters content. Topics include: a glyph that unlocks prime Saved by the Bell knowledge; Vanessa's molten lava attraction; Matthew's trail of carnage and SO MUCH MORE. 04:40 - Level Up 15:05 - The Quest Log 01:07:35 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:10:00 - Squarely Against This Week: We finish Fable! And the Lost Chapter! Next Week: We play until...2018-07-091h 24
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFable - Rear Eye for the Right GuyHELLO PATRIOTS. GET YOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES READY, IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. WE'VE TAKEN THIS PODCAST IN A LUCRATIVE NEW DIRECTION. Did we say lucrative? We mean patriotic. And not les patriotes, we're talking real American Patriots! NO CANADIAN HISTORY LEARNING HERE. Also: Vanessa leans in to her poly preferences, we discover teaching school children in Albion can be rewarding, Matthew keeps murdering, John gets a crush on a boss, and burp fart my butt my butt. 06:00 - Level Up 19:15 - The Quest Log 01:05:55 - Bullshit Mini Game Corner 01:13:45 - Squarely...2018-06-181h 21
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFable - Spotify: The Monster of BladesNow we find out just what happens when you fall in love with Matthew and then he asks you to follow him somewhere. The answer? You get sacrificed at the Temple of Scorn, and then can't skip more than two songs without paying their premium: YOUR SOUL. Also in this episode: mushroom talk, fishing, Yuko's Island Express, Matthew gives excellent Troll advice, and much more! 02:25 - Level Up 10:15 - The Quest Log 01:07:00 - Bullshit Mini Game Corner 01:11:05 - Squarely Against This Week: We escort the travellers through the Darkwood! Next Week...2018-06-111h 21
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastGrandia - APRIL FOOLSHey! We've got a Patreon now! Our full announcement will be in the next episode, but check it out: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Okay. Things get a little off the rails this episode as we try to slam through an overlarge chunker. First of all, Vanessa's drunk. So there's that. Then there's The Crest Frog, heat rash, the Witches of Brigmore, Dom and sub Orcs, Canadian April Fool's rituals, locker peeping, REM singing for two whole different reasons, Matthew using the worst phrase of all time (it ends with "committee"), so much nut munching, wiping out a...2018-04-091h 34
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPhantasy Star IV - Robots? In MY Garuberk?Phantasy Star IV - Part 4 NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! We're not saying John slept through the recording of this episode, but he may have slept through the recording of this episode. Topics covered this week include: Le Freak, Laschiec; Laschiec playing a classic game of keep-away with the Eclipse Torch; rating Chaz versus previous terrible RPG protagonists; how Vanessa isn’t prepared for Garuberk Tower’s Flesh Cave; Matthew calls the Garuberk Tower “Gratuitous” Tower; Dark Farce; John’s Interrupted Wrestling Dreams and SO MUCH MORE. You won't even believe it. Level Up 02:00 Quest Log 08:50 Squa...2018-03-121h 08
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPhantasy Star IV - A Reverse Childbirth Kind of ScenarioPhantasy Star IV - Part 3 Matthew connects to USB via a tin can and Jim is still mysteriously unavailable! But that won't stop us here at Square Roots. We discover Vanessa's robo-racism, we learn why you shouldn't use magic on a space ship as per the Liam Niesson movie Non-Stop, meet Raja and his weird dad jokes, have an old southern man diagose the issues with a space station, go on a rocket ride, get a second identical rocket, and SO MUCH MORE. Level Up: 04:45 Quest Log: 20:15 Squarely Against: 01:28:20 This week...2018-03-051h 35
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPhantasy Star IV - A Sandworm BrisPhantasy Star IV - Part 2 Sega's manga-inspired sci-fi epic takes a few, uh, predictable twists and turns as we explore a downed Phantasy Star III colony ship, explore Zio's Fort, and head into a tourist trap town. Topics covered this week include: we lose our Edible Arrangements sponsorship; Matthew ear-shames Rika; Vanessa discovers the secret of instant teleportation; our protagonist dilemma is sorted out; we balance out Labia’s Tower jokes with sandworm foreskin jokes; the RPG need for brothels; Chaz brainstorms badly; we question the medical skills of Hahn and Sara; Vanessa has outdoor cat adventures; AND...2018-02-261h 30
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMass Effect - Dr. Ian MasseffectMass Effect - Part 6 Stay tuned through the end of the podcast for incredible dramatic readings of Matt’s notes! We finish off BioWare’s first venture into their epic science fantasy universe and decide whether or not we’re Squarely Against or Roundly For Shepherd and their adventures. Also? Vanessa and Matthew turn out to be twinsies; Matt is obsessed with a geth ship with a face; Vanessa’s Rate-A-Hunk goes macro; and SO MUCH MORE! Level Up: 02:56 The Codex: 16:23 Vanessa’s Rate-A-Hunk: 57:10 Squarely Against: 01:03:03 Dramatic Readings of...2018-02-121h 17
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMass Effect - Howl's Moving Castle DoctrineMass Effect - Part 4 On this dangerously exciting episode of Square Roots and Mass Effect: We talk about the pros and cons of prefabricated space housing and office buildings; Matthew makes a reference to a commercial no one has seen; there is much bandying about of the term “Terminator Cthulus”; we make a difficult choice between crew members and one may get some smoking lazer holes; Matthew decides to grow up and get a 4, 0, 1 and K; Father Kyle learns the error of his ways and SO MUCH MORE. This Week: We head to Virmire and leave it...2018-01-291h 50
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMass Effect - Space RumspringaMass Effect - Part 3 Things go from aggressive fungi to getting real cool as we descend on the Galt's Gulch that is the corpoplanet Noveria. Matthew delights in Matriach Brazzeria but somehow Vanessa isn’t loving it; Ashley wants to put Earth first; aliens with New York cabbie accents; super space secretaries; further rating of hunks; Vanessa and Matthew tell teacher and SO MUCH MORE. You won't believe all the space adventures in store! This Week: We plunge into the icy depths of Noveria! Next Week: We head into Virmire. Someone on the Normandy's crew...2018-01-222h 00
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastMass Effect - Geth Who's Coming to DinnerMass Effect - Part 2 We finally blast off the Citadel and get to explore the Milky Way with our favorite crew of misfits, rebels and space racists. On this episode: Matthew tries desperately to figure out who Tonya Harding is, we debate the physical properties and applications of OmniGel, Freighter Crane’s tossed salad and spiked grenades, Liara’s psychic head rubbies, birthing Asaris, and so much more! This Week: We rescue Liara T'Soni and find the secret of Feros! Next Week: We plunge into the icy depths of Noveria! Our theme song...2018-01-151h 47
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Bard's Tale - I'm Hal Sparks!The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Three Hi! I'm Hal Sparks. Do you remember the 2000s? What a wild and crazy, yet somehow more innocent age. Snooki? Tatu? Eminem hair? We dive into a time of Urbz: Sims in the City and gay panic in this wall-to-wall-awesome episode of Square Roots. Questions asked in this episode: why does Jim hate Chris Pratt? Does Jeff Goldblum have an orgy ship? Will Vanessa stop singing about the Nuckelvee? Is Scottish a language or dialect? What exactly is a flesh family? Plus: The Vanessa and John Show...2017-12-181h 20
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastThe Bard's Tale - Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Gesa* (*But Were Afraid To Ask)The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Two The tables are turned as Jim, John and Vanessa lighten up a little on The Bard's Tale while Matthew goes ballistic. John finds solace in an undead horse, Vanessa loves the Crone, Jim doesn't get the performance issues, and Matthew realizes the game may be tuned to encourage in-app purchases on iOS. Why would Matthew start singing the Bodyguard song? What's a Kunal Trow? What's the difference between a Fnarf and a Hrafn? Will The Bard even sexually harass a Valkyrie? What the heck is a Gesa anyhow? Why...2017-12-111h 18
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastParasite Eve - L'il Baby Fresh EyesParasite Eve Part 2 We're back and still crushing more mitochondria! It's a dog-shooting, sperm finding episode of Square Roots as we get over halfway through Square's bizarre survival horror visual novel JRPG masterpiece. Questions asked today: do you know the Meatball Man? Is Carl Winslow actually in the game? Was Lorraine's death preventable? Does Matthew really think sentient poop is a good superpower? Is Ms. Nusebaum the secret best character in the game? Has any Squaresoft game ever had that much sperm in it? Where does Eve carry that sperm anyhow? What's Stephanie's Choice? AND...2017-11-201h 13
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastChrono Trigger - Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! ACK!Chrono Trigger Part 3 We're into the thick of things with Chrono Trigger as we hit everyone's favorite part of the game: Magus's Castle! Yep, that's right! Flea! Slash! Ozzie! Our panel of experts including noted pervazoid Jim Banks, loveable curmudgeon Matthew Van Zandt, mysterious genius Vanessa Girl and Manic Pixie Dream Bear John Brandon ask the questions you've always wanted answers to: is Ayla really just Cathy? Does Ayla even have a tail? Is she hitting on Lucca? Is Lucca even interested? What's Vanessa's beef with Mister Tumness? Did the Reptites draw wieners on everyones faces after...2017-10-231h 37
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastChrono Trigger - Funky Temperate MedinaChrono Trigger Part 2 After a very, very long Blade Runner talk and Jim gets the future year wrong, we settle in for our usual expert panel on all your burning Chrono Trigger questions, such as; why does Matthew constantly misquote Judge Dredd? Did they get wet after being squirted out from Heckran's Cave? Is Vanessa using jet bike racing as some kind of euphemism? Why is Matthew heck-bent on getting Vanessa an eight ball? What even IS an eight ball? Are those white fluffy things big cats or big chickens? Find out these answers and...2017-10-161h 41
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Muscle Toddler TrudeauFinal Fantasy XII Part 9 Vanessa and Matthew don't like the idea of playing Darkseed 2 and Beyond the Beyond at the same time and take steps to change history as we settle on what to play next. As we hit the end of Final Fantasy XII questions are asked: Is Pennywise a total CILF? Is Venat a creepy life coach? Is Vayne the Justin Trudeau of Final Fantasy? Do many good games end with terrible muscle man boss fights? Are there too many liberties taken with the translation? Where the heck were Venat and Vayne walking to anyway...2017-10-021h 48
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - We All Float Down HereFinal Fantasy XII Part 8 The next game is announced! And it's real bad. But maybe Matthew and Vanessa can have a chance to put right what once went wrong. We go deep inside Pharos which, as must be pointed out, is a large building and not the ghost kid from Persona 3. Questions addressed in this episode: do scarves cancel out fedoras? Is a boss really called Slit the Fish Monster? Have you tried a Final Fantasy XII cleanse? Did we just fight a Hatchimal? Will Vanessa make a million dollars with her Manse idea? What are Dude...2017-09-251h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Fancy Auron Versus Beardy PinkshortsFinal Fantasy XII Part 7 We dabble in converting the podcast to pure ASMR after Matthew was swept away in a hurricane. Questions asked in this episode: Is Daddy Cid really just Fancy Auron? Is Port Balfonheim a pleasant hive of scum and villany? Will Jim and John out themselves as Vayne Supporters after C** Fest '94? What the heck is a Manse? Can a three wheeled car really work? This week: We travel through Draklor's Lab through to the gates of Pharos. Next week: We finish Pharos! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www...2017-09-181h 43
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Loafin' AroundFinal Fantasy XII Part 6 Stay tuned past the credits for a very, very special bonus Level Up! Today on Square Roots: we learn all about the origins of meatloaf, Al-Cid's assistant goes from schoolgirl to business casual as things get serious; Jim and Matthew get a sweet new comic idea; the gang questions the transport infrastructure of another fantasy world; we meet the greatest hunt of all time; John can't pronounce Draco Malfoy and so much more! This week: We hit Old Archaedia! Next week: We get to Pharos, who is not t...2017-09-111h 34
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - A Nightmare on SandseaFinal Fantasy XII Part 3 We descend into the spooky depths of the Tomb of Raithwall to help prove that Ashe is really a princess in this sand-filled, Star Warsy episode of Square Roots. So many questions that we may or may not answer in this episode. Does Vaan also hate sand? Does Larsa have a crush on Penelo? Is Fran the Chewbacca? Are there any zones in this game that aren't vaguely desert-y? Why are elementals such jerks? Why does this group just keep getting arrested? Has Matthew finally accepted this game's pronunciation of Marquis? Will Vanessa...2017-08-211h 30
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy XII - Secrets to Successful Rubix's Cube SmugglingFinal Fantasy XII - Part 2 Have you seen Judge Reinhold? He was last seen in the company of a mysterious woman with hair described as "Lord Vayne-like". If not: take a listen as we push through dungeons and mines and fight goopy cloecas; we meet Final Fantasy XII's cast of Judges, including Gabranth, Ghis, Judy, and Joe Brown; Matthew insults the entire cast of Wet Hot American Summer; there's far too much Batman talk; we get confused between The Fog, The Mist and Myst; Jim gets a proper noun overload; and we fly to the Bespin-like city...2017-08-141h 25
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastPersona 3 - The Power of Friendship Vs. CthuluPersona 3 - Part 10 Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed. Finally, we end the scourge of Nyx, the Death God and finish Persona 3! Topics covered today include: casting Persona 3 with TGIF sitcom stars; visual metaphors for finger stuff; sudden difficulty spikes; and a return to Matthew with his Secrets of Life segment. Many questions are answered: was the MC just sleepy? What happened to Takaya? Is Aigis the secret main character? What could have made the ending to Wonder Woman better? Should we even forgive the Gourmet King? Are...2017-07-311h 45
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - Beauty and Adam Carolla ft. Thirsty GrandmaKingdom Hearts - Part 6 NEXT GAME ANNOUNCEMENT! Matthew has audio problems throughout this episode and kind of disappears for a bit. Highlights of this episode include: it ain't no Hollow Bastion; we get randomly ditched by Donald and Goofy; Vanessa, Jim and Matthew defend the virtues of the Goofy Movie; an analysis of the later works of Clarabel Cow; Riku's Super Saiyan Suit; Banksy's See n' Say; Jim lists the Seven Princesses* of Heart in alphabetical order; Not-Being-A-Prizeitude; Sora's disturbing suicide; the oddly muscular behemoth; stay tuned through the credits for an extra special DeviantArt analysis! 2017-05-151h 21
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - Thicc With Two C'sKingdom Hearts - Part 5 Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots Vanessa, Matthew, Jim and John tackle two more worlds in this smashing episode of Square Roots. Questions resolved include: who directed A Nightmare Before Christmas? Is Tinkerbell thicc? Just who is Chris Sarandon anyway? Is flying the only element of childish joy in Matthew's heart? Why is Riku bossing around Captain Hook? What the heck is happening anyway? We may not have the right answer to any of these questions, but we try our best around...2017-05-081h 10
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKingdom Hearts - Cloud Strife: Cat Fan?Kingdom Hearts - Part 2 Check out our new, limited time only store: http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots We begin with Vanessa's Corrections Corner as she realizes there may have been some factual inaccuracies in the previous podcast. Also: Vanessa unleashes a sick burn, John debuts Level Up Classic to much consternation, Encyclopedia Van Zandt does sound detective work over Vanessa's knowledge of Hercules songs, we debate what Vincent from Final Fantasy VII is wearing, secrets are told and hearts are broken. Also there's some nonsense about keys shooting lasers at keyholes. ...2017-04-171h 17
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastKnights of the Old Republic - A Beginner's Guide To Turning A Wookie EvilOH MAN! A new game! A new year! And it's Star Wars! We start off with a quick review of Rogue One in which Matthew tries to fight everyone, then Matthew comes out as a Young Galaxy-er, and rejects the premise that KOTOR was set 3956 years before A New Hope; Nessa’s touching Fisher Stevens tribute; Nessa’s standards for a dream man include that he has a jacket; Jim debates the morality of buying a drunk a drink versus killing them; John refuses to discuss his mother’s vast extended universe library; Larry the Cable Bi voicing the hick j...2017-01-091h 02
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - The Ghost Hugs That Make Matthew CryMike "Mark" McDonald and Randy Newman join the gang as we plow through the end of Final Fantasy X! This week: Yojimbo redeems himself in the eyes of Matthew, Squaresoft decides to cram in one last terrible minigame, we discuss the song Otherworld, Seymour gets a curly moustache, Matthew gives the game Ten Out Of Ten Final Fantasy Tens, Vanessa kills bosses with Blitzballs, Jecht goes Full Final Fantasy IV Cid, rosebuds are smashed, and so much more. This time: We finish Final Fantasy X! Next time: A Christmas miracle! Twitter: @s...2016-12-191h 33
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy X - The Bullshit Minigame... Episode!Before we finish the game next episode we take an hour to dive into all the sidequests and minigames that Final Fantasy X has to offer! Matthew rejects Yojimbo’s lack of rabbitness, everyone’s favorite sitcom Fiends, Lulu’s summoner issues, Trommel’s death wish, Jim’s Naboo adventure, Jim has an out of body experience due to celestial mirror discussions, Matthew goes back to his home planet, Belgamine is a guh-guh-guh-ghost, the frustration of unskippable Dark Aeons, Jecht being a jerk in his spheres, Kinoc and Auron’s relationship, a surprise CD-I discussion, our final thoughts on Blitzball, l...2016-12-121h 10
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastSecret of Mana - Jema's Gettin' Blasted!Ho. Lee. Crap. People. It's excitement, adventure, and Matthew almost rage quitting, all on this all-new part 9 of our playthrough of Secret of Mana! This week in Square Roots we near the end of the adventure by leaving the Moon Palace, traveling to Tasnica and the Cave of Courage, then clearing out the Mana Palace and Underground City! Also this week: John’s sick and a secret shorto! Matthew bans any further Jar Jar impressions as we meet with Jehk, Vanessa recounts her disappointment with Tasnica, Vanessa makes grief-related sex puns, we discover Empowered Grandma’s alternate ident...2016-09-181h 18
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy Fates Part 1Stan from They See Me Rolling joins Matthew, Jim and Vanessa in this special two-part role playing spectacular! In this roleplaying mash-em-up they play the pen and paper RPG Fate as their favorite Final Fantasy characters: Matthew as Zidane from Final Fantasy 9, Jim as Cid Highwind from Final Fantasy 7, and Vanessa tackles Lulu from Final Fantasy 10! This disparate gang is brought together by the mysterious Celes to kill Kefka so they can return to their home worlds. Important notes from the quest log include: the origin of the Bio attack, Celes's weird chocobo, their new pal Bro Sephiroth, and...2016-08-0448 min
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Farewell, My Sweet, Lovable Hedgehog PieJim, Matthew and John once again mangle pronunciation of Oeilvert as the party was split between two dungeons and Matthew chose his party so, so wrong. Other topics for your enjoyment: John’s buoyancy, being humiliated in Overwatch, Mecha Dory, Jim’s Terrible Cactaur Hypothesis, The Hall Of Many (Creepy Baby Doll) Faces, the Terra Discovery Fun Science Center, Matthew’s correct observation that Gaia has two moons, the genre switch from fantasy to sci-fi, some wild plot guessing as John and Matthew get increasingly confused by the plot, the delicious Dessert Palace, the grossness of the term Hedgehog Pie, a...2016-06-201h 11
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Teen Fortress 2This week on Square Roots we get panicky in the deep end of Final Fantasy IX as Zidane recovers from his dramatic rescue of Garnet and ignoring Eiko; also: Matthew explains Teen Fortress 2; ignoring a giant laser eye; Courtney Love's I Am Doll Farts; King Cid's Lazy Moving Throne; Matthew dismisses Garnet's depression; Burmecian Rat Kings; King Cid's second transformation; Engineer Zebolt's peacocking; we brainstorm ideas for Kuja's missing kidnap scene; Kuja's lack of seating surfaces; and much, much more! In this episode we play from Zidane awakening in Lindblum to the city of Oeilvert in Disc 3...2016-06-121h 14
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Things Get Disc 3 RealOn this exciting episode of Square Roots, we finally hit Disc 3 of Final Fantasy IX! Subjects explored include: Shakespearean farts, John can't remember Gilbert and Sullivan for about a whole minute, Matthew drops the bomb that Dr. Tot isn't a guy with a huge nose: he's a bird, New Garnet, nosebleed boners, children's natural fear of Quina, Amarant's weirdly undramatic vendetta, Kuja's Trapper Keeper Poetry, and so much more! Also: Matthew explains Tetra Master, there's an adorable book demon, and we explore the possibility of pooping Pokemon. This week we start at the beginning of Disc 3 and...2016-06-051h 16
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Hill, Get Guarded!In this episode of Square Roots we finish Final Fantasy IX's Disc 2, explore possible explanations for the othering of dwarves, Dave the holy man, the terrible and disturbing marriage between Zidane and Garnet, the terrible-er and disturbing-er marriage between Quina and Vivi, the introduction of Eiko, a debate on the pronunciation of Eiko, the creepiness of the anime trope of a child being in love with the hero, finding fetish gear in your size as a larger troll, Matthew's brain noises, HILL GET GUARDED!, we get judgey about Eiko's living situation, John's Eiko goes full Carol Channing, angry porno...2016-05-291h 35
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - French Children's Book Level Existential SadnessIn this week’s Square Roots, Matthew tries out a new robo-Matthew bit that becomes the show’s new gold standard and our characters make their way to the ruined Lindblum, where they encounter one hilarious tragedy after another. Jim and John try to dive into Matthew’s psyche to figure out why he thinks dead families are so hilarious and we meet the very scary Armodullahan and the strangely Zidane-esque Lani. The guys also criticize the game’s transportation methods and ATEs, spend waaaay too much time talking about how to get into the black mage village and everything w...2016-05-221h 29
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Mr. Ghost, Fantasy Mass Transit Systems, and Poor Life Decisions“Anyone who likes pickles are nice people” opens the South Gate guard as we begin Disc 2. This time it’s all Steiner and Garnet, Zidane and his gang are all sequestered into a separate quest. We have a chance encounter with Cinna and Marcus at Summit Station, The game spends an inordinate amount time explaining Fantasy Mass Transit Systems this episode, and Matthew isn’t having any of it. Marcus is out to find Super Soft (A Photo of Matthew’s mom, SICK BURRRRN) and out of a sense of loyalty Garnet and Steiner join him in finding this cure. In t...2016-05-011h 18
Square Roots - THE Classic RPG PodcastFinal Fantasy IX - Zidane's Cherry CamaroIn this week's shocking episode reality is shattered as Jim confesses that he likes Steiner. Meanwhile, the group ventures to Dali where, as Jim puts it, "all the townspeople are stupid." We confront the horror that is being trapped inside a coffin, Vivi has an existential meltdown, friendly black mages are literally melted down, there's about an hour of cutscenes and talking, John posits that not only do thousands seem to die every time there's a cutscene in the game, but that cutscenes involving explosions and massive damage have too much visual noise to be engaging. When we get...2016-04-181h 15