Shows
CLOSEREpisode 13: We Did Not Have a Fight Between Episodes 12 & 13 (aka, Process Talk)In the previous episode, Ryan & Nicole unexpectedly bumped into some old wounds and found themselves caught up in old dynamics in real-time, trying to process old and new feelings and to care for themselves and each other while touching feelings of struggle, disconnection, and loss. As a result, here in Episode 13, they go back to the therapeutic principle of "process talk," discussing what was happening for them and what they learned.Discussed: content and process in therapy, process talk, vulnerability, tension, harshness in communication, process talk as central in understanding broader relationship implications, fighting in...2025-02-0541 min
CLOSEREpisode 12: Making Friends in AdulthoodRyan and Nicole reflect on recent and historical efforts making friendships in adulthood, recounting the ways that the endeavor is inevitably impacted by who we are and where we are developmentally. In doing so, they unexpectedly bump into some old wounds. Listen in real-time as they try to care for themselves and each other while being put into touch with early feelings of struggle, disconnection, and loss. Discussed: making friendships in adulthood, making friends with couples, vulnerability, marriage, reflection, deep longing, young motherhood, transitional times, life and marriage, Henri Nouwen, compassion, intentionality, experiencing feedback as pointing out...2025-01-291h 10
CLOSEREpisode 11: Letter to the Lady of the HouseIn this touching and guaranteed tear-jerker of an episode, Ryan reads from a short story that he and Nicole have found to be a mainstay of connection, purpose, and reflection across their marriage. The story is told from the vantage point of a 70-year old man who is writing to his wife in the middle of the night. The letter follows an argument which touches the core of their relationship, and is composed the eve of a visit from their children and grandchildren. It will touch a deep sense of longing within you, and will surely make you laugh...2025-01-1327 min
CLOSEREpisode 10: When 1 + 1 = PurpleHappy New Year! While most people seem to be busy making plans for the new year or reacting to others who are making plans for the new year, Ryan & Nicole turn their attention to the certain inevitability that plans or no, life sometimes hands us small and large disruptions. Among the larger types are those which are so large that their inability to have planned or accounted for them is an essential part of their character. When these come, they beget the necessity of a radical reorientation. Discussed: New Year, New Year's resolutions, planning, futility in planning...2025-01-0750 min
CLOSEREpisode 9: Origins Part 2Ryan & Nicole conclude the story of how they met all the way through their enagement and marriage, and then pivot to the larger discussion of the relational threads that emerged, drawing conclusions about intimacy and longevity, and how the former evolves over the course of the latter. In particular, they discuss the concept of "contracts" between intimate partners which are forged at the beginning, often implicitly or sub/unconsciously, and must be discovered, understood, and renegotiated over time. Discussed: origin story, how we became a couple, engagement and marriage, Richard Boswell, telling stories differently over time, being...2024-12-2056 min
CLOSEREpisode 8: Origins Part 1Ryan & Nicole begin the story of how they met, with the details going all the way back to 2007 and eHarmony, the mothership and original progenitor of what has since morphed into the world of apps for dating. Realizing that they hadn't told the story in a good long while and having not talked ahead of the podcast, they decided to wing it -- what emerges is humorous, touching, poignant, and always real. And in their signature style, the telling of the story itself is really only half the point -- the rest is to see what new relational threads...2024-12-1149 min
CLOSEREpisode 7: Calm, Fascinating, Balance, AlignmentFresh off the heels of Thanksgiving 2024, Ryan & Nicole invite their children, ages 12 and 15, to join them in a several times yearly family ritual to connect, reflect, and share their hearts around themes of gratitude and change.Discussed: gratitude, change, growth, family, calm, fascination, balance, alignment2024-12-0436 min
CLOSEREpisode 6: Bad BloodIn popular culture which now includes so much psychological lore, conflict and fighting in relationships are often stigmatized as something to be avoided. In this heartfelt episode, Ryan & Nicole consider the ways in which fighting is itself a kind of intimacy, and a necessary one, in that when it is done productively it can produce a fuller and exponentially more pleasing and productive second intimacy which becomes a lifeblood to healthy, growing relationships. To highlight this, Ryan & Nicole received permission from the Brittish Indie Folk Rock Group, Bear's Den, as well as their European Label, Tribe, to play a...2024-11-2744 min
CLOSEREpisode 4: OMG That's Not ItPost-US-election season and approaching the New Year and NY resolutions, there is natural upward trend in people looking for therapy. Depending on who you ask, which directions your algorithms follow, and what the latest TikTok and IG trends are, potential clients have all kinds of ways of approaching this, many of which lead those of us in the know to exclaim, "OMG, that's not it!" Conventional wisdom surrounding finding therapists, including that which is accidentally or intentionally propagated by the mental health industry and that necessarily has a certain logic, still often fails to consider or reveal what research...2024-11-2146 min
CLOSEREpisode 5 (Mini-Bonus): For Julie & TylerIn this special mini-bonus episode (under 10 minutes), Nicole recalls a wedding to visit Julie & Tyler, a couple very close to their hearts. Julie & Tyler asked Ryan to riff on love and marriage and life during the ceremony, and Ryan presents those poignant remarks here for the first time publicly. Special thanks to Julie & Tyler for permission to share them and their gift. Discussed: unresolvable issues in relationships, vulnerability, relationships, compassion, authenticity, empathy, deepening relational dialogue, wisdom, life and marriage, Wendell Berry, Rainer Maria Rilke, Handel's Messiah, individuality and coupling, sameness and difference, distance and closeness...2024-11-2109 min
CLOSEREpisode 3: We Had a Fight in Between Episodes 2 and 3 (aka, Process Talk)In therapy, process talk occurs when the therapist and client stop conversational back and forth, and move into a posture of evaluation -- specifically, they might examine what's happening in that back and forth between them. They notice how things are feeling, what emotions are coming up and when, what reactions they have to the contents of the conversation. In so doing, it is very common that the observations made in process talk end up having a transformative and illuminating power about the contents -- whatever the client came in to talk about, process talk ends up being as...2024-11-1543 min
CLOSEREpisode 2: Makes Me Feel"You make me feel so angry!!!!" Ever heard someone say something like this, or one of its ten thousand permutations? Movies, friends, relationship partnerships, colleagues -- most of us seem pretty intent on using this turn of phrase with impunity, thinking that we're justified in saying it, where justified = "this person really did hurt me." Indeed, even when we're hurt, Nicole and Ryan illuminate why a simple pronoun shift can lead to empowerment for the person who was hurt, and a genuine hearing on the part of the person doing the offending, and even, the possibility of compassion, empathy...2024-11-1548 min
CLOSEREpisode 1: CLOSER?Ryan and Nicole talk about why their new podcast is called CLOSER, including the notion persons who help others for a living are perhaps naturally more opaque, so the podcast allows them to present a different layer of themselves and their shared life and relationship.Discussed: doing relationships (apparently) differently, levels of awareness, honesty, congruence, basic orientation to relationships, the nature of information and language relative to talking and knowing, enneagram, evangelical background, shadow work (how knowing what's happening for you relates to what you do or do not see in others), and more.2024-11-1541 min