Shows
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 28: The New NormalIf there is one thing you can count on us for, it is normalcy. Consistency. Reliability. Episodes release at the same time, every third [redacted]. Topics that are grounded in the here and now. Now (and here), we break down what "normalcy" really means and why it's such a precious societal standard that we must preserve at all costs. Historically, normalcy has been really good for everyone.
2022-01-071h 03
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 27: A Very Visual EpisodePut on your 3D glasses now. Remember when movies were silent for a long time and then The Jazz Singer came out and people lost their minds? This is kind of like that without blackface. When I was researching this joke, I read through the Wikipedia entry on The Jazz Singer and there are, no lie, six full paragraphs dedicated to a discussion around whether it was cool that there were blackface scenes in that movie. Like, can we just acknowledge that it wasn't cool? I originally wanted to make this comparison because The...
2020-10-201h 10
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 26: It Doesn't Belong in a MuseumWhen you listen to this episode, you'll have the unique opportunity to hear the first joke ever recorded (from some Sumerians), followed immediately by some of the best jokes ever recorded (from us and Josh Betts). Tune in next week for the last joke you'll ever hear.
2020-07-251h 14
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 25: In Search of a Perfect 10Look us in the eye and tell us that you haven't assigned personality types to each of your pets and plants by now. But you probably got it wrong because you didn't have Hannah Duncan in your home, teasing out the nuances of how your monstera deliciosa reacts to stress, or the key motivations of your calico. We've all been stuck inside for a while, but have you looked inside?
2020-05-051h 02
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 24: Pepsisode 1This episode is about sacrificing your creative integrity in order to reach a wider audience. It's also about the one-of-a-kind, blow-your-mind taste of refreshing Diet Pepsi with Lime©. Nothing pairs better with the rich and rewarding sounds of this podcast than a fizzy, foamy Pepsi. Try one today with a big bowl of Donkey Chips© and take your snack game to the next level!
2020-02-221h 11
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 23: We're Not So Different, You and IAnyone who knows us IRL will tell you that the only way to tell us apart is to look at our feet. Tony wears sandals because his feet are cute, but Austin wears close-toed shoes because his left big toe got slammed in a door in 7th grade, and the nail keeps falling off. We can't imagine how difficult it must be for you listeners to tell the difference, sight unseen. But guess what? Now you don't have to. We have (finally) fused into one.
2019-08-091h 03
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 22: Oh What Beautiful!In their song "The Beautiful People," Marilyn Manson sing the words "the beautiful people/the beautiful people (aah)." 23 years later, we're picking up the baton and running it into the endzone. Here you'll find stories of timeless romance which suggest that beauty isn't just skin deep, followed by a long discussion of some smoking hot celebs that pretty much proves that it is. How much sexiness is in here? At least a Hems-worth.
2019-03-0755 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 21: Squirrels Like Cars and Money (Clap-Clap)Like Simon and Garfunkel, we have settled our creative differences and height differentials in favor of a long and fruitful partnership. Unlike Simon and Garfunkel, we have recorded a hot track about squirrels. Think of this episode as our "Bridge over Troubled Water," only instead of bridges we have sprawling nuclear facilities, and instead of troubled water it's basically just squirrels. This is our "I Am a Rock" if the rock were a nut. Something something something "Squirrelborough Fair." This is the squirrel episode.
2018-12-181h 05
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 20: Panda Jokes and SuperweedsWe're about to flax on y'all. We've joined the Amish Mafia with the help of our friend Beau, and this episode finds us raising cain, barns, hell, and crops. Did I miss anything? Learn how to swear in Catalan, find out if your Black-eyed Susans are actually weeds, get your tingle on with some ASMR tortilla-chip play, and acquire some very good Harry Potter weed puns for your next Bible study.
2018-06-091h 00
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 19: A Podcast for ChildrenThis one is for the kids.* *not actually for kids
2018-03-0250 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 18: Smoking on Air with Boys"I'm just secondhand smoke." - Vapewood Mac Let's clear the air; we've been gone a while. Holidays, finals, resolutions. But the holidays are over and we failed the other two things. We've had time to dwell on what is and isn't appropriate to show in a Disney movie. We've brainstormed new and exciting cigarette mascots. And we've wrapped it all up in a pocket-sized paper package, foil-lined, with room for about twenty jokes, with five bonus jokes for our Canadian listeners. But this episode ain't gonna cost ya a dime, and it won't poison your bod. Well...
2018-01-311h 06
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 17: Oh, My Money? How High Can You Count?Who wants to be a Galleon-aire? Turns out, all you need is six dollars. We take a deep dive into Scrooge McDuck's weird vault, write a freaky "Tale of Two Cities/LOTR" slash-fic (guess what it's called?), and envision a beautiful utopia where the only inhabitants are us, Ron and Rand Paul, and a fiat currency of love. Tony's economics chops are on full display. Austin's timing is not. Nick Van Heest guest-stars. I'm gonna stay on theme and refer to him as "Nick Van Heist."
2017-10-1756 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelThe Best Selling, Great American Novel Pt. IIIn a continuation of last week's episode, we enter the world of prestige serialized podcasts. Austin contributes some original music. Tony contributes a writing lesson that makes Stephen King's "On Writing" look like a freshman persuasive essay. Apologies to Kevin James, who we both think is handsome and talented. And I'll go ahead and apologize to Stephen King for that earlier dig. It's The Adventure Zone! One Story, told week by week Welcome to Night Vale! "...Hello."
2017-09-1945 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelThe Best Selling, Great American NovelYou've probably noticed that, despite our name, our references to Melville and other literary giants have been limited to one-offs and name-drops. Sure, we've talked about Moby the songster. And we've talked your ears off about Dicks. But together? Instead of turning this into a classic literature fancast, we have decided to write our own novel. Expecting a joke? Not happening. This is for real. It's about magic beans and moss and uglyboys and college. Listen to us assemble our tools.
2017-09-1141 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 14: Common Year A.D. 1290"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean." - Lee Ann Womack As we eclipse 1000 downloads, we look back through the years on the things that have made this podcast great. We also look forward to its inevitable heat death. But until then, we will burn as brightly as a roman candle held in the sweaty grip of a kid who is definitely too young to purchase fireworks. It's just you and the boys today, sweet listener. Cherish this moment as much as we cherish you.
2017-07-0646 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 13: That's Gonna Be a YES for me, Dawg.Dogs! I'm sitting next to a dog as I post this. Did you know that know that, no matter where you are on Earth, you're never more than two continents away from a beautiful dog? We're joined by dog-walker Becca Velez, who also does other things. Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg (RIP), and Lassie all make appearances. Side note: we're currently crowdfunding a crossover film where Lassie saves young Snoop after he wanders into an abandoned marijuana mine.
2017-06-2053 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 12: NightboysWhat do Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, and Here's My Number So Call Me Ishmael have in common? All of us have worked with Mr. Christian Becker. Live from New York, it's our podcast! Why was Zayn Malik eating spaghetti in the "Night Changes" video? This is our Rosebud, if Rosebud was only relevant to the first ten-minute segment of Citizen Kane. Put on your sunglasses and let us be your Florence Nightingale; purifying the horse-tainted waters of the podcast community with cool, clear comedy.
2017-06-1257 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 11: Rounds of Trivia in the RoundGalileo. Rani of Jhansi. The Theatre. Amelia Earhart. One of these things is not dead. Can you guess? We're here with Josh Boerman, who has a finger in almost every aspect of the New York City theatre scene, including scenes of plays. Thespis, Lesbos, and the Egyptian God of War (the card game) are here to make theatre deeply erotic again, so leave your puritanical planks and swaddling materials at the door. Break a leg and enjoy the show!
2017-06-0155 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 10: A Decade of FoodHope you're hungry. Tony, Austin, and another white male named Michael (a less homogenous cast is coming, I promise) are here to sling hash, hash out trivia questions, and question things about life. What exactly are Scooby Snacks? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, what the hell is a "peck"? How were the peps already pickled? The Food Network may corner the market on visual depictions of food, but these auditory treats are freshhh.
2017-05-241h 06
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 9: In the BrigYo ho ho and a bottle of puns. Pirates! This episode will sound especially good if you torrented it. Ryan Van Wingerden (let’s call him “Ryan Boat WingARRRden”) joins us as we talk about all manner of murderers, mutineers, and malcontents. A joke in harbor is safe, but that’s not what jokes were meant for. These jokes are not safe. These jokes are not PC. Unless PC stands for Pirate Captain.
2017-05-101h 01
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 8: Thyme is on My SideJoin us as we reveal the 2016 word-of-the-year! It's "cuckold." Tony, Austin, and Lucas try to start a barbershop quartet but are thwarted by the inner machinations of Skype. The Book of Revelation would have been much better if it had been written by the Apostle Hall (of Hall and Oates). Spoiler: Tony ruins the end of Weeds. Even though this episode is about time, it's one of our shortest; almost as suspicious as Tony bringing up Alice IN Wonderland again, even though he "hates it."
2017-05-0249 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 7: Water We Talking About?From a dark hole deep beneath Boston comes Bart Tocci and his many personalities (including an Australian citizen trying to learn Italian and a Great Lakes shipwreck historian). Bart wanted this to be better than Lauren’s episode, but comedy is subjective so we’ll see. Tony’s motivations for creating the podcast become clear (it’s for puns). Our first a callback joke consists of Tony saying the world “well.” The second HALF of this episode is a soon-to-be-short-lived segment called “accents.” If a celery stalk falls in a forest, is it a vegetable and does anyone care?
2017-04-1857 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp 6: A New ChapterWhooo's that laaady (Who's that lady)? It's our first guest, active listener Lauren Boersma! And her quiver is full of arrows, tipped with a bittersweet poison; an absurd amount of knowledge about Disney sequels. Come to think of it, we should have consulted her about our Bambi prequel. She also does other things, like read, teach, and volunteer! Start this new chapter with us. It's like the Three Musketeers, if one of the Musketeers was different every week.
2017-02-191h 02
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 5: Cancel(l)ed"Dinner is cancelled due to lack of hustle. Deal with it." Just kidding; we out here and we talking about buds that have been nipped before their time. That isn't a "Turn On" joke, but it might as well be. Der Führer makes an appearance this week, and also we talk about Hitler on the podcast. Wink, wink. Tune in as we alienate our one British listener. If you are looking for a podcast that DOESN'T discuss grammar and spelling, keep your coat on, walk back out the door, and pop in next time. We still l...
2017-02-1957 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 4: Lil' Drummer BoizWe finally give "pace" a chance in this episode about cadence and those brave boys who keep it. Goku and Thom Yorke come up in conversation, and we get an important reminder from our chief inspiration and American buried treasure, Harper Lee. Austin doesn't remember the Snake Way saga of Dragon Ball Z very well. Tony cautions you about the mild teen content present in the Drumline franchise. The Brady Bunch make Pentatonix look like a bunch of atonal chumps.
2017-02-1950 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 3: The King's GameViolence is the last refuge of the incompetent, and so we turn to the game of chess as the ultimate arbiter of disputes and generator of mirth. In this rather esoteric episode, Ingmar Bergman is discussed, we debate the pronunciation of Frederick Nietzsche, and Tony tells Austin how bad at chess Austin is, according to the official chess player ranking system (The Electric Light Orchestra.) First guest next week, probably.
2017-02-1945 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 2: More Than Meets the EyeTrue to our word from last week, this episode takes a dip into the silky molten metal fondue that is the Transformers franchise, but not before a long conversation about Wishbone, a short conversation about Kelly Clarkson, an exposè on Neil Young's M&M obsession, and the long-awaited reveal of Tony's debit card information. No guest stars yet. Soon.
2017-02-1947 min
Here's My Number, So Call Me IshmaelEp. 1: Dead On ArrivalOur first episode! Has nothing to do with the film "Arrival" but thank you for asking. Alan Rickman (rest in peace), Ayn Rand (...), and Bruce Bogtrotter (hero) come up in conversation. No guest stars yet.
2017-02-1848 min