Shows
The Allender Center Podcast“Make Sense of Your Story” with Adam Young, LCSWToday Dan and Rachael welcome longtime friend and Allender Center Facilitator Adam Young, LCSW, to the podcast for a deeply moving conversation about the unexpected plot twists that shape our stories—and how they can become sacred invitations to connection, healing, and transformation. Adam, who is a counselor, author, podcast host, and an NFTC Certified Instructor & Facilitator with the Allender Center, joins us to talk about his new book, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. He vulnerably shares about a life-altering moment that brought him...2025-05-0247 min
The Place We Find Ourselves170 Make Sense of Your Story: Dan Allender Interviews AdamToday’s episode is different. Dan Allender takes over the podcast to interview me about my new book titled, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Topics covered include: how to respond when we fail those we love, how the book launch re-enacts core dynamics in my life, how to listen to the story your body is telling you, as well as your sexual story and your collective story.2025-03-0746 minThe Allender Center PodcastFamily of Origin with Dr. Dan Allender and Adam YoungSo much of our beauty and brokenness — so much of what makes us who we are today — is tied to our family of origin. The ways in which we act, react, and interact with others are directly tied to our childhood origin stories and the hurt that we all inevitably experienced – no matter how perfect (or imperfect) our families were. Why should we spend time going back to name the hurt we experienced growing up? Is it worth it to stir up those memories, talk about painful experiences, and potentially upset our loved ones? Dr. Da...2023-02-0446 min
The Place We Find Ourselves99 Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling (Bonus Episode)Cathy Loerzel and Dan Allender join me today to talk about their newly published book Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling. Cathy and Dan reflect on what redemption actually means in the context of our stories, why they believe redemption is possible, and how our experiences of being an orphan, a stranger, and a widow can shape our sense of personal calling. If you want to engage your story in more depth, consider signing up for The Story Workshop which will be held virtually from October 14-17. You can sign up by going to theallendercenter.org...2021-09-1345 min
The Place We Find Ourselves97 The Story Your Body Is Telling (Bonus Episode)Your body tells a story. The sensations in your body reveal something about what you have experienced, what you hold, and what you carry. Most of us are either unaware of the sensations in our bodies, or we ignore them, or we war against them. An alternative is to pay attention to your body and to become curious about what your body may be telling you. Jenny McGrath joins me today to talk about her Embodied Story digital course. You can sign up here. Support the podcast2021-08-1930 min
The Place We Find Ourselves94 Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 2This is part 2 of a series of episodes focused on how to interact with someone who has harmed you. Today’s episode identifies two additional attributes of wicked people—namely scapegoating and intellectual deviousness. If you confront a wicked person about their sin or failure—instead of examining their heart and feeling sorrow and guilt for how they have hurt you—a wicked person will somehow shift the blame onto your failure and your sin. This is scapegoating. Intellectual deviousness refers to the ways wicked people use words to twist truth, avoid guilt, and fill you with self-doubt. Support...2021-07-1944 min
The Place We Find Ourselves93 Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 1Suppose you have come to realize some of the ways that your parents have harmed you over the years. What are you supposed to do now? How do you engage with a parent now that you’ve come to realize some of the ways they harmed you? This is the first of a four part series of episodes focused on how to engage with someone who has hurt you. Today’s episode emphasizes the necessity of identifying the kind of person you will be engaging. Is the person a normal, everyday sinner? Or is the person wicked/evil? Su...2021-07-0532 min
The Place We Find Ourselves92 Your Story, Your Suffering, and Kindness with Dan AllenderDan Allender is the reason this podcast exists. His teaching forms the foundation of nearly every episode. Dan joins me today to talk about how to engage your story and how to engage your suffering. In many ways, this is a conversation about how Dan has experienced God in the midst of his own story. Dan also talks about his forthcoming book (with Cathy Loerzel) titled Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling. Support the podcast2021-06-2150 min
The Place We Find Ourselves91 How Healing Happens: Revisiting The U DiagramJen Oyama Murphy and I reflect on the U Diagram of healing. The human heart heals by engaging one’s story. But how does cultural background factor into effective story engagement? Whether you are a person of color who is engaging your own story, or you are someone who works with people of color, Jen shares some important categories for you to consider. Support the podcast2021-06-0737 min
The Place We Find Ourselves90 The Cursing of the Body and Racial TraumaJen Oyama Murphy shares a story she wrote for The Allender Center called “My Eyes.” Evil often assaults us through the cursing of others. When a part of our body is cursed—especially during our growing up years—we tend to turn on ourselves. Wars with shame and self-contempt begin. In today’s episode, Jen reflects on her experience of racial trauma directed at her eyes and how she has begun to heal. Support the podcast2021-05-2453 min
The Place We Find Ourselves89 Spiritual AbuseThis is a bonus episode on spiritual abuse. Rachael Clinton Chen provides an overview of the marks of spiritual abuse. She will be teaching a conference on spiritual abuse on Saturday, June 5. You can sign up here. Support the podcast2021-05-1246 min
The Place We Find Ourselves88 When Trust Is ViolatedFriend and fellow therapist Cyndi Mesmer comes back on the podcast to share one of her stories. It’s a story of the exploitation of innocence and the violation of trust. We talk about Cyndi’s trauma response, how she has experienced healing, and how her posture toward the girl in the story has changed as she has continued to engage her story. To find out more about Cyndi’s counseling practice, visit artoflivingcounseling.com. Support the podcast2021-05-1051 min
The Place We Find Ourselves87 How To Engage Your Story In A Way That Brings Healing (Bonus Episode)Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about how to engage your family of origin story in a way that brings healing to your brain. We examine three byproducts of trauma (fragmentation, dissociation, and isolation), the importance of naming the intentionality of those who harmed you, the role you played in your family, and the U Diagram of healing. Cathy and I will be co-teaching the Engaging Your Story Conference on Saturday, June 12. You can register here. Support the podcast2021-05-0541 min
The Place We Find Ourselves86 How Attachment Affects Your Relationship With GodToday’s episode begins with an explanation of attachment: what it is and why it’s so important. After recapping The Still Face Experiment, I talk about the two primary types of insecure attachment: avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment. I then outline how your attachment style may affect your relationship with God. In other words, how might someone with an avoidant attachment style experience their relationship with God? And what about someone with an ambivalent attachment style? Support the podcast2021-04-2631 min
The Place We Find Ourselves85 When Abuse Binds Your Heart To AnotherAbuse often involves intensity. Whether it’s sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse—the nature of abuse is that there is an intensity between the two people involved. When a parent abuses a child, the intensity at play serves to bind their hearts together. Today, Victoria shares a trauma story that illustrates how her heart was bound to her abuser… and how she has come to be released and find new levels of freedom. Victoria also talks about how she has come to bless her longing—as a child and as an adult—for her father’s gaze… even though the pri...2021-04-1241 min
The Place We Find Ourselves84 Parenting: How Your Story Is Affecting Your Relationship With Your Children Part 2Here’s the bottom line with parenting: the past isn’t dead; it’s not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it’s like to lose it with their children. But what’s actually happening neurobiologically? What do you do when you realize that you’ve harmed your children? To financially support the podcast, please click here. Support the podcast2021-03-2922 min
The Place We Find Ourselves83 Understanding Your Sexual Story (Bonus Episode)I am joined today by Jay Stringer to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our attachment histories. At some point in our lives, each of us will encounter difficulties in our sexual life. It might be the compulsive use of unwanted sexual behavior or a struggle to locate any sexual desire at all. Sexual struggles are rooted in our stories—and more particularly, our stories of attachment to our primary caretakers. If you want to explore this material in more depth, please sign up for the Sexual Attachment Conference on Saturday, April 24. You can sign up...2021-03-2435 min
The Place We Find Ourselves82 Parenting: How Your Story Is Affecting Your Relationship With Your Children Part 1Here’s the bottom line with parenting: the past isn’t dead; it’s not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it’s like to lose it with their children. But what’s actually happening neurobiologically? What do you do when you realize that you’ve harmed your children? Support the podcast2021-03-1526 min
The Place We Find Ourselves81 How To Get Your Life Back with John EldredgeLast year John Eldredge wrote an important book called Get Your Life Back. In today’s episode, John and I talk about my favorite parts of his book. In short, we talk about simple everyday practices that will help you get your life back. Why is this important? Because the pace of modern American life—even in the midst of Covid—often borders on madness. It doesn’t feel like madness for many of us because we’ve lived life at this pace for so long. The pace feels normal. But the human heart was not designed to operate at 5,000 r...2021-03-0138 min
The Place We Find Ourselves80 Relational Conflict: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Shut Down Part 2This is Part 2 of a discussion about what happens to your nervous system in the midst of relational conflict. When your body scans your relational environment and detects anything that feels remotely threatening, it triggers your nervous system to do one of three things: socially engage (i.e. talk to the other person), go into a fight/flight/freeze reaction (i.e. yell at the other person, run away from them, or just freeze up in a state of paralysis), or shut down (collapse into a state of hopeless despair). In today’s episode, I explain why your body mi...2020-12-2124 min
The Place We Find Ourselves79 Relational Conflict: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Shut Down Part 1Your nervous system is constantly surveying your environment (think: relationships) to determine how safe and supported you feel. When your body scans the environment and detects anything that feels remotely threatening, it triggers your nervous system to do one of three things: socially engage (i.e. talk to the other person), go into a fight/flight/freeze reaction (i.e. yell at the other person, run away from them, or just freeze up in a state of paralysis), or shut down (collapse into a state of hopeless despair). In today’s episode, I explain how your nervous system determines wh...2020-12-0724 min
The Place We Find Ourselves78 When Parents Open The Door For Sibling AbuseMy friend Bethany shares one of her stories about sibling abuse. And, as is the case with virtually all sibling abuse, there is so much more at play than an older sibling harming a younger sibling. Harm from siblings never happens in a vacuum. An environment is created in the home by the parents that allows for and, in some cases, even invites, sibling abuse. Bethany graciously helps us understand how these dynamics played out in her home. Support the podcast2020-11-2340 min
The Endow Podcast30. It's Okay to be Angry at God: A Conversation with Adam Young, LCSWWelcome to The Endow Podcast! This podcast is a forum for women to foster conversations about the intellectual life and intentional community for the cultivation of the feminine genius. On this episode, Simone Rizkallah, Director of Program Growth, interviews Adam Young on the drama of your story, the call to judge, and how to avoid "editing" your anger, irritation and disappointments in prayer. Adam Young's approach to therapy has been shaped primarily by Dan Allender, John Eldredge, Daniel Siegel, Allan Schore, Pat Ogden, and Bessel van der Kolk. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) with Master degrees...2020-11-1050 min
The Place We Find Ourselves77 The Episode In Which I Share One Of My StoriesToday I share one of my stories. My guest is Rachael Clinton Chen, but she’s actually the host of the episode. As Rachael interviews me, I talk about how I began to engage my story, as well as what obstacles I have faced along the way. Then I read one of my stories and Rachael engages me about it. To financially support the podcast, please click here or here. Support the podcast 2020-11-0943 min
The Place We Find Ourselves76 Uncovering Intentionality: Did My Parents Really Mean To Harm Me? Part 2This is Part 2 of my conversation with Cyndi Mesmer. As you begin to name the ways your parents harmed you, it is very common to think, “Okay, I’ll acknowledge that my Dad harmed me, but I don’t think he really meant to do it. I don’t think my Dad was trying to be cruel, he was just pretty oblivious and clueless.” Cyndi invites you to reconsider this stance. What would it cost you to believe that your father hurt you on purpose? What would it cost you to believe that your mother said and did those things on...2020-10-2625 min
The Place We Find Ourselves75 Uncovering Intentionality: Did My Parents Really Mean To Harm Me? Part 1Cyndi Mesmer and I tackle the question of, “Did the people who harmed me really mean to do it?” Answering this question is more important than you may realize. If you are unsure about the answer to this question—or if you are convinced that your parents didn’t mean to hurt you—it will be very difficult for you to access grief and anger about your wounds, both of which are necessary for healing. Check out Cyndi's blog post on Intentionality and Self-Deception. Support the podcast2020-10-1228 min
The Place We Find Ourselves74 The Bible, Racial Injustice, and Individual ResponsibilityToday I want to look at the Bible’s take on how Christians are called to respond when racial injustice is occurring in our land. I am not going to devote any time to making a case that America is an unjust society. If you believe that America is just and fair, I beg you to pick up any of the books on anti-Racism written by a person of color and find out if people of color experience America as just and fair. This episode is primarily for White Christians who have a sense inside of “I acknowledge that raci...2020-09-2826 min
The Place We Find Ourselves73 Racial Trauma and My Story With RacismToday I talk about racial trauma, and, in particular, the racial trauma that African Americans experience. One central tenet of all story work is that in order for healing to occur there has to be an honest naming of what has been true. This is true in your individual story and it is no less true in our collective story as a nation. Support the podcast2020-09-1434 min
The Place We Find Ourselves72 Judging Others: Is It Okay To Judge Those Who Have Harmed Me?One of the things that prevents people from engaging the ways they have been harmed is the simple objection, “Who am I to judge my parents?” The premise of the objection is simply, “It’s wrong for me to judge my parents. That’s God’s job, not my job.” In today’s episode, I take a look at what the Bible says about judging other people. Support the podcast2020-08-3125 min
The Place We Find Ourselves71 What If I Don't Remember Much Of My Childhood?Many people look back on their growing up years and simply don’t remember very much. In today’s episode I offer some suggestions on what to do when you are having a difficult time remembering your stories. If you want a summary of today’s episode, you can go to adamyoungcounseling.com and get a free resource called “What If I Don’t Remember Much Of My Childhood?” This document also outlines several written exercises you can do to help you remember your stories. Support the podcast2020-08-1734 min
The Place We Find Ourselves70 What's Actually Happening When You Interact With Someone?What is actually happening when two people interact—whether that’s two spouses, a therapist and a client, or two friends? What is actually happening in the brains of the two people who are interacting? Primarily, nonverbal messages are being communicated from one person’s right brain to the other person’s right brain. This has profound implications for why interpersonal interactions can be so fraught. Support the podcast2020-08-0336 min
The Place We Find Ourselves69 How Trauma Affects Your VoiceI am joined today by Susan Cunningham, a California-based counselor, life and soul coach and spiritual director. Sue shares one of the most formative stories of her life. It’s a story about a first grade girl who decided to use her voice. Your voice is one of the parts of you that is most frequently targeted by Evil. If you have a history of trauma, it’s likely that you struggle with using your voice. Support the podcast2020-07-2037 min
The Place We Find OurselvesFamily of Origin TraumaToday we have the honor of hearing a story from Kellay. In the story, Kellay is ten years old and her brother is 15. Sometimes other family members take up so much emotional space in your home that there is no space left for your emotions. The result is that you can be made responsible for the emotions of other family members—you can be responsible for regulating their affect—but left utterly alone when you are dysregulated and in need of care. This is a horrible bind for a child to be put in.2020-07-0641 min
The Place We Find Ourselves67 Your Story, Your Body, and RitualI am joined today by Heather Stringer, a therapist with The Counseling Collaborative. Not only does Heather take the body seriously when it comes to engaging trauma, she is also very skilled in designing rituals that facilitate healing. Today we talk about both our physical bodies and the importance of rituals. Support the podcast2020-06-2228 min
The Place We Find Ourselves66 How Your Body Can Help Heal Your Trauma Part 2This is part 2 of my interview with Jenny McGrath about the importance of paying attention to the sensations in our physical bodies when it comes to healing from trauma. Some of the ground we cover includes what can be done when you can’t feel the sensations in your body. We also talk about doing body work to heal the trauma stored in your body. When it comes to healing, paying attention to your body and working with your body is extremely important. Support the podcast2020-06-0822 min
The Place We Find Ourselves65 How Your Body Can Help Heal Your TraumaI’m joined today by Jenny McGrath, a therapist in Seattle who focuses on how trauma is stored in the body and how the body must be engaged in the healing of trauma. Jenny talks about how and why she began to take the body more seriously when it comes to healing. Topics covered include why our body has a fight, flight, freeze response and how to work with our nervous system to facilitate healing. Support the podcast2020-05-2532 min
The Place We Find Ourselves64 Emotions: Writing Your Own PsalmWhat would it look like to begin writing—and praying—your own psalms? When we are feeling big feelings, it can be very healing to put words to those feelings and then to pour the feelings out in prayer. By writing and praying your own psalms, you can facilitate integration in your brain and liberation of your heart. I’ve developed a guide entitled How to Write Your Own Psalm which you can access from my website. Support the podcast2020-05-1129 min
The Place We Find Ourselves63 Emotions: Praying the PsalmsThis is an emotional time. We are all having big feelings. And when we are having big feelings, the place we need to find ourselves is… in the Psalms. Today I hope to open up the power of the book of Psalms for a moment such as this. And by the end of the episode, my invitation to you will be, “What would it look like to begin writing your own Psalms and then praying the Psalms you write?” Support the podcast2020-04-2625 min
The Place We Find Ourselves62 When Suffering LingersI am joined today by KJ Ramsey. KJ has written an important book about suffering called This Too Shall Last. Sometimes suffering lasts… and where is God in this? How are we to live when the place we find ourselves is one of lingering suffering? KJ invites us to allow our emotions to become a compass, leading us to a God who is present… even in suffering.2020-04-1345 min
The Place We Find Ourselves61 The Coronavirus EpisodeThree main points. First, the coronavirus is spreading exponentially, not linearly. Second, as a result of the exponential spread—in the absence of aggressive action—the US healthcare system will become overwhelmed and this will affect everyone, including young, healthy people. Third, the only way to stop really bad things from happening is to implement extreme social distancing measures immediately. Support the podcast2020-03-1921 min
The Place We Find Ourselves60 Warfare Part 9: Soul TiesSeason 3 concludes with the final episode on Warfare. I am joined again by Cathy Loerzel to talk about soul ties—what they are and how they are formed. We also address how to break curses, agreements, vows, and soul ties. 2020-03-1638 min
The Place We Find Ourselves59 Warfare Part 8: Curses, Agreements, and VowsI am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about curses, agreements, and vows—what they are, how they come to be, and where to find them in our stories. Cathy articulates the difference between a curse, an agreement, and a vow. She also explains how it is the design of evil for a curse to lead to an agreement, which then leads to a vow. Support the podcast2020-03-0352 min
The Place We Find Ourselves58 Healing From Trauma: Your Posture Toward YourselfIf you have experienced trauma, you likely have difficulty with the whole category of kindness… either receiving kindness from others or being kind to yourself, or likely both. When you are not doing well, what is your posture toward yourself? Are you willing to bring kindness, care, and comfort to your suffering heart and body? And, if not, why not? Support the podcast2020-02-1826 min
The Place We Find Ourselves57 How To Know If You Have Experienced TraumaMany people are unaware that they have a history of trauma. Trauma has a tendency to hide. But the symptoms don’t lie. If you have the symptoms of trauma, it is highly likely that you have a history of trauma—whether you can locate that trauma in your story or not. Today we will look at the symptoms of trauma, as well as address the questions, “What exactly is trauma? What makes something traumatic?” Support the podcast2020-01-2726 min
The Place We Find Ourselves56 Affect Regulation: How Mindfulness Can Help Integrate (Heal) Your BrainTrauma impairs integration in the brain. When you experience trauma, the neural circuits in various regions of your brain do not make enough connections with one another. Here’s the good news: there is something you can do to promote integration in your brain. In the book Aware, Dan Siegel shares a mindfulness practice that he developed called The Wheel of Awareness. The Wheel of Awareness helps people to integrate the various regions of their brain. And integration leads to emotional stability, which is to say affect regulation. Support the podcast2020-01-1327 min
The Place We Find OurselvesHow to Engage the Younger Parts of Ourselves with KindnessToday I interview Paul Quinlivan, a therapist in the Seattle area. We begin by talking about the potential dangers of engaging your story alone. Then, Paul shares a story of himself as a boy… a boy who was a deep feeler. Paul’s story reminds me of a quote from the late Brent Curtis who said, “Perhaps you grew up in an atmosphere too fragile to bear the weight of your unedited soul.” Paul and I talk about the paradox of a parent who can be physically present for sporting events and the like, but emotionally absent in day to day l...2019-12-3000 min
The Place We Find Ourselves54 Warfare Part 7: The Modern Screwtape LettersThe title of this episode comes from a book by C.S. Lewis called The Screwtape Letters. The Screwtape Letters is a collection of letters written from a senior demon, named Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood (a lower ranking demon). Screwtape’s goal is to advise Wormwood about tactics and strategies for tormenting humans. Today’s episode is my attempt to continue in the vein of Lewis by writing six additional letters. Support the podcast2019-12-1621 min
The Place We Find Ourselves53 Why Family of Origin Triangulation Is Such A Big DealTriangulation occurs when Mom or Dad becomes emotionally closer to one of the children than to their spouse. Patria and I discuss the fallout of triangulation in the life of the family and the life of the "special" child. The triangulated daughter often becomes hyper-attuned to Dad, and is setup to be envied by Mom and her (unchosen) siblings. It’s a devastating dynamic that does immense damage to the heart of the triangulated child. Support the podcast 2019-12-0239 min
The Place We Find Ourselves52 How Your Story Leads to Your Style of Relating to Others with Becky AllenderBecky Allender and I talk about her book Hidden In Plain Sight, which is a collection of stories designed to invite the reader to engage his or her own story in more depth. Becky shares how her relationship with her Mom led to a style of relating in which she became committed to “staying out of the way and becoming invisible.” Becky goes on to talk about the importance of experiencing “sorrow in the care of wise guides” as we engage our story. Support the podcast2019-11-1844 min
The Place We Find Ourselves51 Having Conversations with God with Sam WilliamsonI interview Sam Williamson, author of Hearing God In Conversation. Conversation is possible... even with God. Sam and I talk about what gets in the way of hearing from God, why we tend to have low expectations about hearing from God, and how to begin to learn to hear in our ordinary day to day life. If you enjoy this episode, you might want to go back and listen to Episode 38 — The Process of Learning to Hear from God. Support the podcast2019-11-0429 min
The Place We Find Ourselves50 Struggling with Sexuality Part 2: How Understanding Your Story Can (Surprisingly) Help with Jay StringerThis is Part 2 of the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your sexuality in light of your story. He is the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. Support the podcast2019-10-2136 min
The Place We Find Ourselves49 Struggling with Sexuality: How Understanding Your Story Can (Surprisingly) Help with Jay StringerThis is the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your sexuality in light of your story. He is the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. Support the podcast2019-10-0734 min
The Place We Find Ourselves48 You Need More Than God with Sam JolmanI’m joined today by my friend and fellow therapist Sam Jolman to talk about the fact that we have been made to need more than God. We have been created to need other people. Deeply. However, our need for others can make us feel weak or “too needy.” How are we to navigate this?2019-09-3049 min
The Place We Find Ourselves47 Warfare Part 6: Breaking AgreementsIn a previous episode, we looked at how we can make agreements with evil that bind us. Today I talk about how to break those agreements. I also share some thoughts about how to resist evil by addressing evil spirits that may be assaulting you. Jesus has given us the weaponry to be successful in warfare. Your words and your will are your weapons. Support the podcast2019-09-2324 min
The Place We Find Ourselves46 Warfare Part 5 : Addressing AccusationsIn Warfare Part 5, we look at how to wage war against the kingdom of darkness. Warfare move #1 is to pay attention to your life and question the voices, particularly the voices of accusation that you hear throughout your day. The first tactic in waging war is paying attention to what you are hearing and then determining the source of that voice. You can discern the source of the voice with a simple question: what is its tone and tenor? Support the podcast2019-09-0922 min
The Place We Find Ourselves45 Warfare Part 4: Your AuthorityWhen it comes to resisting the assaults of evil against your heart, the starting place is stepping into the authority that is yours. Jesus Christ has set you up to succeed in warfare with evil. However, it’s essential to get clear about the authority that Jesus has delegated to you. This entire podcast began with the claim that “you have a story and that story matters.” The corollary today is “you have authority and that authority matters.” Are you aware of your authority? Support the podcast2019-08-2636 min
The Place We Find Ourselves44 How Stories of Harm Lead to Agreements That Bind UsWe are in the middle of a series of episodes on warfare. Last time we talked about making agreements with evil… and how those agreements bind us. Today we are going to take a break from the series to hear Susan’s story. Part of my interview with Susan includes a discussion about an agreement she made. I wanted to make the previous episode practical by sharing a specific example of someone who made an agreement in a moment of heartache. Support the podcast2019-08-1245 min
The Place We Find Ourselves43 Warfare Part 3: AgreementsWe live in a world in which the kingdom of darkness wars against our hearts. Today we look at the second main tactic of evil—namely, to deceive you to make agreements with it. But what are “agreements with evil” and how are they made? We’ll explore both of those questions in depth. Support the podcast2019-07-2927 min
The Place We Find Ourselves42 Warfare Part 2: AccusationIn Warfare Part 1, we looked at the fact that The Place We Find Ourselves is living in the midst of a world at war. Today, in Part 2, we look at how, specifically, the kingdom of darkness wages war against your heart. What are evil’s goals, strategies, tactics? The kingdom of darkness primarily uses two simple tactics: deception and accusation. Today we focus on accusation. 2019-07-1522 min
The Place We Find Ourselves41 Warfare Part 1: The Reality of a War Against Your HeartWe live in a world at war. It’s a war between light and darkness, between the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Evil. This is the place we find ourselves. In the episodes to follow we’ll look at how evil operates and how to fight back to win the war for your heart and the hearts of those you love. Support the podcast2019-07-0122 min
The Place We Find Ourselves40 Love and War: Attachment and Intimate RelationshipsToday’s episode focuses on how attachment styles play out in close relationships. I am joined by Rachel Blackston, who is a therapist in Orlando, Florida. Rachel begins today’s conversation by reading an essay about love and war in her marriage. It’s a beautiful and vulnerable piece that gives you a window into how insecure attachment plays out in a real-life marriage. I’m deeply grateful to Rachel for her willingness to dive head first into this very difficult and important arena. You can read more about Rachel at rachelblackston.com. Support the podcast2019-05-0644 min
The Place We Find Ourselves39 Engaging the Younger Parts of Your HeartI am joined today by Scott Gibson who is a therapist in the Chicago area. Scott graciously shares a story about himself as an 11 year old boy. It’s a story about desire, about devastation, and especially about attachment. If you resonate with Scott’s words today, you might want to go back and listen to Episode 14 in which Scott talks more about his own story, particularly with regard to engaging the harm of sexual abuse. Support the podcast2019-04-2234 min
The Place We Find Ourselves38 The Process of Learning to Hear from GodFor most of my Christian life, I didn’t know it was possible to hear from God. I was taught that God stopped talking after the Bible. I simply didn’t know that God talked to his children on a regular basis. And so I didn’t take time to listen. Not because I didn’t want to hear from God—there was nothing I wanted more. I just didn’t know it was possible to hear from God. In 2015 this all changed for me. I began to learn how to hear from God. Today’s episode is about the process of...2019-04-0837 min
The Place We Find Ourselves37 Covert Sexual Abuse: When Subtlety Equates to SeverityIf your parents did not have a healthy marriage—a deep emotional connection—then it is likely that either you or your sibling has experienced some measure of subtle sexual abuse. Subtle sexual abuse wreaks havoc in your heart… but because of its subtlety, you can live your whole life without knowing what’s plaguing you. Today we talk about what subtle sexual abuse is and how it can affect you. Support the podcast2019-03-2530 min
The Place We Find Ourselves36 How A Story From Kindergarten Can Change Your Brain For DecadesThis is really two episodes in one. In the first half we talk about sexual abuse that doesn’t involve physical touch, also known as subtle sexual abuse or covert sexual abuse. In the second half, Sandy graciously reads a story from when she was in kindergarten. And as we reflect on Sandy’s story, we see how a single story can affect your brain for decades. As Sandy puts it, “I don’t think I was ever the same after that day.” Support the podcast2019-03-1143 min
The Place We Find Ourselves35 Narcissism: What It Is and Why It's So Toxic with Chuck DeGroatHow do you know if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? What might that relationship feel like? In today’s episode, I talk with Chuck DeGroat about the dynamics of narcissism. Chuck is a seminary professor and a therapist who has a book coming out about what happens “when narcissism comes to church.” Support the podcast2019-02-2532 min
The Place We Find Ourselves34 Your Kingdom: The Purpose of CounselingMany times clients have said to me, “What is the ultimate purpose of counseling anyway?” Their question is excellent because it grows out of their sense that healing alone is not enough. Deep down, we all intuitively know that we are made for more than healing and even made for more than freedom. There is an ultimate goal. There is a reason for digging into your story. It may be bigger than you think. Support the podcast2019-02-1132 min
The Place We Find Ourselves33 What It Means to Engage Your Story with Curiosity with Blaine HoganI met Blaine Hogan at a Recovery Week a decade ago. Blaine is an artist, creative director, and filmmaker. Our conversation covers sexual abuse, sexual addiction, and the importance of being curious when it comes to engaging your stories. Blaine reads a story from his childhood… and then shares what happened as he realized that he had left out the most important part of the story. You can read more about Blaine at blainehogan.com. Support the podcast2019-01-2837 min
The Place We Find Ourselves32 How Life Can Come From Death with Christy BaumanIn today’s episode, Christy Bauman and I talk candidly about the reality of wounds in this life. What does it mean to enter the wounded places in one another’s hearts? And can genuine goodness really come from places of death? You can read more about Christy at www.christyvidrinebauman.com. Support the podcast2019-01-1435 min
The Place We Find Ourselves31 Trauma and the Enneagram Part 2Enneagram expert Beth McCord and I conclude our exploration of “How does your enneagram type influence the way you respond to trauma/abuse/harm?" Today’s episode looks at Types 2 through 7. Type Two - 0:30 Type Three - 5:30 Type Four - 12:40 Type Five - 16:00 Type Six - 21:00 Type Seven - 25:50 Support the podcast2019-01-0133 min
The Place We Find Ourselves30 Trauma and the Enneagram Part 1Enneagram expert Beth McCord and I begin to explore the question of “How might your Enneagram type influence the way you experience abuse or harm? And how might your Enneagram type influence the way you respond to abuse or harm?” Our conversation begins with a discussion about the intersection of trauma and the Enneagram, and then concludes by looking specifically at Types Eight, Nine, and One. Type Eight - 19:30 Type Nine - 27:45 Type One - 32:00 Support the podcast2019-01-0136 min
The Place We Find Ourselves29 Forgiveness: What It IsWhat is our calling with regard to forgiving those who have harmed us? If forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting, what does it require? And how do I know if I’ve forgiven someone for harming me? These are some of the questions we explore in today's episode. The Bible’s treatment of the subject of forgiveness is far more nuanced and complex than many people acknowledge. Support the podcast2018-12-1731 min
The Place We Find Ourselves28 Forgiveness: What It's NotWhat does it mean to forgive? Today, Robyn and I talk about what forgiveness is NOT. In particular, we discuss the very problematic notion of “forgive and forget.” Does forgiveness really entail “forgetting the offense and never talking about it again”? Support the podcast2018-12-1024 min
The Place We Find Ourselves27 God Made Our Brain To Need Others with KJ RamseyIn today’s episode I talk with KJ Ramsey about how her suffering has forced her to rely on other people for help. There are times when our suffering puts us on the floor—either literally or metaphorically. Today, KJ talks about the rather remarkable surprises that often take place when someone joins us on the floor. Support the podcast2018-12-0341 min
The Place We Find Ourselves26 How Healing Happens Part 3Often the place we find ourselves is a place of desert, of wilderness, of valley. Indeed these are places of death. And they are real and they are part of the process of healing. But they are not the last word. Today we look at what happens when you linger in death. The thesis is that if we are faithful to enter death—to dip down to the bottom of Cathy Loerzel’s U-diagram—then resurrection and healing can begin to exist. Support the podcast2018-11-2032 min
The Place We Find Ourselves25 How Healing Happens Part 2Last week we talked about Cathy Loerzel’s U-diagram and about the importance of engaging particular scenes of heartache and harm in order for healing to begin to take place for you. Today we continue our discussion of what the process of healing requires and what it looks like. If you linger in death, if you dip down into the bottom of the U-diagram, you will enter sorrow and grief… and grief is met by the comfort of God which brings a newness to your heart, and a restoration of vitality and joy. This is the path of healing. 2018-11-2026 min
The Place We Find Ourselves24 How Healing Happens Part 1In this week’s episode, we begin a three part series on the subject of healing. What is necessary for healing to begin to occur? There is no way to experience healing apart from taking an honest look at those stories from your growing up years that hold intense feelings for you—shame, powerlessness, terror, sexual arousal, ambivalence, a sense of betrayal, etc. Healing requires that you allow your heart, mind, and body to ponder and engage what it was like for you in your family of origin. Support the podcast2018-11-2036 min
The Place We Find Ourselves23 How to Engage a Parent Who Has Done Harm with AutumnAutumn reads a story that is a beautiful illustration of what it can look like to engage a parent who has done harm. This story is from a very recent time in Autumn’s life when she found herself caring for her sick mother. For all of its redemptive beauty, there is nothing tidy about this story—you’ll hear about Autumn’s dysregulation and indeed her murderous rage at her mother… but you’ll also hear about Autumn’s fierce commitment to offering her mother the very thing that Autumn never received as a girl. Support the podcast2018-10-1542 min
The Place We Find Ourselves22 Why the Practice of Awareness Heals Your Brain with Terry BohnIn the near future, I am going to address how healing happens in the brain. But there is a prerequisite to healing, there is something that you have to be growing in if you are going to experience healing. And that something is awareness. Awareness means choosing to pay attention to what is happening in your mind and body. Today we’re going to talk about why awareness is so critical for healing, what it actually means, and how to do it. Terry Bohn can be reached at terry.bohn@live.com. Support the podcast2018-10-0839 min
The Place We Find Ourselves21 From Shattered to Whole: Reclaiming Innocence, Beauty, and Hope with LaurieLaurie tells us how and why she began to engage her story at a deeper level. She then shares a story from when she was 12 years old. It’s a story in which her sense of innocence, beauty, and hope were shattered in an instant. We talk about how she responded to the assault against her heart and body, and how she has come to reclaim much of what was stolen. Support the podcast2018-10-0150 min
The Place We Find Ourselves20 Affect Regulation: Why It's Critical For Everyday Life“Affect” refers to your moment by moment experience of your internal bodily sensations. Think of affect on a scale of 1-10, where 1 represents completely numb and shut down and 10 represents panic, rage, or terror. On this scale, 5-6 represents a slight feeling of relaxed excitement—you are alert, present, and attentive. When you become dysregulated, your body’s greatest need is to return to a regulated state in that 5-6 zone. Affect regulation lies at the core of feeling like you can control your insides. Moreover, all dysfunctional ways of being in the world—all addictions and compulsions—are, at their cor...2018-08-2030 min
The Place We Find Ourselves19 The Path To Healing: Why It's So Important To Find Kindness For The Younger YouJason reflects on why he began engaging his story and what that process looked like for him. Jason began addressing his story as part of a story group... but (surprising twist) his father just happened to be a participant in that group! In today’s episode Jason talks about why his growing up years had such a big influence on his adult life, and what the path toward healing and wholeness has looked like. Support the podcast2018-08-1335 min
The Place We Find Ourselves18 Why Your Story Makes It Hard To HopeHope is flat out agonizing. Hope requires that you groan inwardly while, at the same time, waiting expectantly. The alternatives to hope are a deadening of desire and a growing cynicism about what you can really expect from life in this world. Indeed, most hope is squashed by the simple phrase, “I’m just being realistic.” But our war with hope inevitably leads to God: will God respond to the cries of my heart? Support the podcast2018-08-0635 min
The Place We Find Ourselves17 What It Looks Like To Actually Grieve Your WoundsIn my second conversation with Andrew Bauman, we engage the whole question of “What does it mean to actually grieve?” If you enjoy my conversation with Andrew, you may want to either pickup a copy of his forthcoming book called Stumbling Toward Wholeness or spend 37 minutes watching his beautiful film A Brave Lament which is also available on Amazon. We talk about both the book and the film today. Support the podcast2018-07-2939 min
The Place We Find Ourselves16 Why Lament (Surprisingly) Leads to Life and FreedomIf you take your story and your wounds seriously, then sooner or later you will find yourself disoriented by tragedy and heartache. The invitation at this point is to lament. When was the last time you just poured out your feelings to God—before editing your words, before making them consistent with some sort of theology? It takes more faith and trust to take our sorrow to God than it does to push down what we are actually feeling. And the surprising result of lament is a renewed sense of freedom and even joy. Support the podcast2018-07-2330 min
The Place We Find Ourselves15 Choosing Kindness: Engaging Stories of Shame with Andrew BaumanOne of the consequences of trauma is that we tend to do great harm to ourselves—and particularly to our bodies—after the trauma. Today, Andrew talks about the reality of self-contempt and the damage it does to our hearts. We discuss the necessity of honoring our stories with kindness and care, and the importance of engaging our bodies in the process of healing. We also talk about pornography in the context of our stories. Support the podcast2018-07-1633 min
The Place We Find Ourselves14 How to Overcome the Shame of Sexual Abuse with ScottIn today’s episode, I talk to a fellow therapist named Scott. Scott leads groups for men who have a history of sexual abuse. Today, Scott talks about part of what it looked like for him to engage his own story of sexual abuse. In particular, we reflect on the importance of listening to our bodies in the battle to overcome the shame inherent in all sexual abuse. We end by talking about the necessity of coming to bless our bodies rather than curse them. Support the podcast2018-07-0938 min
The Place We Find Ourselves13 Your Wounds and the Path to HealingIn today’s show we take a deeper look at how our hearts have been wounded and what the path to healing looks like. Guided by Isaiah 61, we see how our wounding is linked to the particular ways that we find ourselves enslaved. I conclude by reflecting on what is involved in walking the path of healing. The bottom line is that you don’t have to wait until heaven for the healing of your wounds. Support the podcast2018-07-0226 min
The Place We Find Ourselves12 Why Trauma Makes It Hard to Trust Your Gut with JanetOne of the byproducts of trauma is that you lose a sense of being able to trust your body. You begin to distrust your gut knowledge of what is true because the people around you question your reality. In today’s episode, Janet explains how this has played out in her life, past and present. Support the podcast2018-06-2549 min
The Place We Find Ourselves11 Implicit Memory: The Thing That's Running Your LifeWhen it comes to how and why you react to things the way you do, nothing is more important than implicit memory. Do you ever feel intense emotion that you know is “more than the situation calls for”? Perhaps you think of these experiences as “over-reactions.” These intense emotional reactions are not over-reactions at all. They are directly proportional to how your brain interprets your experience through the grid of your implicit memory. Support the podcast2018-06-1829 min
The Place We Find Ourselves10 The Trauma of Abandonment with Gary BGary explains what brought him to begin engaging his story. Through counseling with Brent Curtis, Gary came to realize that there were several characters in his life story who had a profound influence on his heart and life. Gary tells a story that happened when he was 10 years old, and he explains how he made a commitment at the end of that story which would enslave him for years. Support the podcast2018-06-1137 min
The Place We Find Ourselves9 Why Engaging Your Story Requires Anger at GodSometimes, “the place we find ourselves” is a place of anger at God. Some of us grew up in Christian sub-cultures in which anger at God was not allowed. If you were angry at God for too long, you had a sense that there was something wrong with you. As a result, many Christians feel ashamed if they find themselves angry at God. However, if you engage the heartache and pain of your story, there will inevitably be times where you are angry at God. Sooner or later, if you are emotionally honest, you will find yourself angry at your...2018-06-0434 min
The Place We Find Ourselves8 When Your Story Of Sexual Abuse Is Not BelievedIn today’s episode, I have a very honest and vulnerable conversation with Robyn about sexual abuse. We talk candidly about how our bodies respond with arousal even when there is profound violation occurring. Robyn tells the story of confronting her family about the abuse and not being believed. She then shares how her posture toward the 13 year old girl has changed over the years and what prompted that change. It’s a beautiful conversation. Contact me at adamyoung4@gmail.com My website: adamyoungcounseling.com Support the podcast2018-05-2847 min
The Place We Find Ourselves7 How Your Attachment Style Affects The Way You Relate To Other PeopleIf you want to understand your relationships, you need to understand your attachment style. In this episode, I explain the three types of insecure attachment and discuss how you can identify your own attachment style. My website: adamyoungcounseling.com Contact me at: adamyoung4@gmail.com Support the podcast2018-05-2146 min
The Place We Find Ourselves6 When Your Femininity Is Assaulted with Tracy HIn today’s episode, Tracy courageously shares one of her stories with us. Born to a family longing for a boy, the war against her femininity began early. Tracy learned that attention with her father could be won by performing well in sports, dressing in boys’ clothings, and wearing her hair short. One day, in an effort to belong with other sixth-grade girls, she wore a dress to school. The reaction of her peers deepened her desire to stay away from dresses and femininity. She made a commitment that day not to wear dresses ever again. Listen as Tracy disc...2018-05-1450 min
The Place We Find Ourselves5 Attachment: What It Is and Why It Matters So MuchThe way you attached to your primary caregiver shaped your brain more than anything else. Attachment refers to the manner in which you connect with others. It’s the emotional bond that you develop with the people you are closest to—the people who are there for you and who truly know you. We are biologically driven to attach to others in order to survive. When we perceive threat or danger, we are hard-wired to maintain proximity to someone who will be there for us, and who truly knows us. In this episode, I give an overview of attachment—what i...2018-05-0730 min
The Place We Find Ourselves4 The Trauma of Being Unprotected with GaryGary began engaging his story in a deep way when he was in his 50’s. In this episode, Gary shares a story of being humiliated by his elementary school teacher with his Mom standing right next to him. It is a story of mockery, but far more a story of being unprotected by his mother. Gary discusses his journey of finding kindness, and even awe, for himself as a boy. My website: adamyoungcounseling.comContact me at adamyoung4@gmail.com. Support the podcast2018-04-2952 minThe Place We Find Ourselves3 The Trauma of School Shaming with MandyMandy talks about how and why she began to engage her story. And then she reads a story from her own life… a story about being bullied in elementary school—a story that had a major impact on how she began to see herself and relate to those around her. Mandy talks about the necessity of finding words for the harm that one has experienced and the importance of bringing one’s pain to God. She goes on to explain how she needed the help of another person to fully engage her own story. In other wor...2018-04-2044 minThe Place We Find Ourselves2 Why Your Family of Origin Impacts Your Life More Than Anything ElseYour story started with your relationship with your parents. Every child needs 6 things from his or her parents. In this episode, I discuss these “Big Six” needs. I also explain two kinds of relational styles that result from being either dismissed by your parents or being asked to be a parent rather than a child. Support the podcast2018-04-1731 minThe Place We Find Ourselves1 Why Your Story Matters More Than You ThinkIt turns out that the practice of reflecting on the story of your life actually promotes healing in your brain. There are two reasons for this: Brain health is a function of the degree to which all parts of your brain are connected with one another. The process of reflecting on your story, sharing your story with another, and hearing another’s reaction to your story connects neural networks that were previously separated. In other words, the key to healing is connecting. Engaging the core stories of your life heals your brain by connecti...2018-03-2437 min