Shows
It's Not That DeepWhy do we get FOMO?This episode was all about the fear of missing out. We explored the very human desire to be a part of everything, do everything and be fully involved with everything! We discussed how we can explore our feelings about being not part of something, to make sense of them in the current context, and to be aware of any old patterns that might be impacting on our experience of this current FOMO. We leaned on our familiar questions – is how I’m interpreting this true? And is it about me? We explore how we might...2025-07-2934 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we want to be in control?Feeling in control is a way of feeling safe, and lowering our anxiety. In this episode we discuss how actually very little is within our control, and how to be OK with that! We talked widely about how, in the end, often the only thing we have any control over is ourselves and how we respond to situations. And how liberating it can be to be able to say ‘oh well, stuff happens’ when things don’t turn out as we might have liked!Adrienne and Lucy can be contacted through their websites...2025-07-1532 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we find it hard to make decisions?In this episode, we discuss why we can find it hard to make a decision, whether that’s a small decision (which outfit to wear maybe!) or a much larger one (whether to change jobs, or leave a relationship perhaps).We can become stuck trying to work out which is the right option to choose, when often it’s not that one is right and one is wrong, but that both have advantages and disadvantages.We discuss how to put the fear to one side and really hear which option feels right for us i...2025-07-0129 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we need to be kind to ourselves?In this episode we discuss how we are often really good at being kind to others, but don’t seem to think that we deserve to receive kindness from ourselves. However, MRI studies have shown that the areas in the brain that are activated when we are bullied also fire when we are unpleasant to ourselves. This triggers a stress response and all the consequences that brings! It can feel like an either/or choice – either we are kind to others or to ourself. However it is possible to do both, to include ourselves in the beam of...2025-06-1732 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we leave things to the last minute?In this episode we explore some of the reasons we might leave things to the last minute; procrastinating, having too many things to do, and feeling overwhelmed. We discussed some strategies to make life more ease-full, ways in which we can take back some control and feel more in control. Counter-intuitively these do include slowing down! And also prioritising self-care; as we often say, it’s not the things, it’s the way in which we meet the things. That is where we have some control!Adrienne and Lucy can be conta...2025-06-0332 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we find it hard to stay motivated?In this episode we discuss what gets in the way of being motivated. Our inner critic can mean that we let our perfectionism get in the way of starting, or finishing something! We could be overwhelmed or burnt out rather than unmotivated. And sometimes the task might simply be something we don’t want to do. We discuss strategies to deal with uncovering exactly what is getting in our way, so that we can work out how to manage the current situation with self-compassion. Both of us like to utilise the idea of what how my futur...2025-05-2030 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we think healing has a deadline?In this episode we explore why we feel we should put a time limit on feeling better, whether that’s after a bereavement, an illness, or the benefit we think we should experience from a holiday.We discuss the impact of striving to be ‘fixed’ or ‘better’, rather than living with how things are right here, right now. We explore the idea that acceptance of how things really are can lead to us making the changes that we really need, not a knee-jerk reaction to the discomfort of the present. Adrienne and...2025-05-0626 minIt's Not That DeepWhy are we always in a rush?In this episode, we discuss our personal experiences of rushing, how that feels in our bodies (not pleasant!) and the consequences of always being in a rush – being clumsy, dropping things, forgetting what we are doing, all that stuff! It’s not all or nothing, sometimes ‘drive mode’ is very much where we need to be, rather than in ‘rest and digest' or 'soothing' mode. So really noticing when each system is activated, when they are helpful, and when we could mindfully and carefully do one thing at a time is really helpful.We explore t...2025-04-2229 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we look to social media for validation?In this episode we explore looking for validation on social media. Social media is not either ‘good’ or ‘bad’, – it really depends on how we use it.It can be hard to find people who are like us in our social circle sometimes; particularly if we have a neurodivergence, or a rather niche hobby. That’s where social media can be super helpful – it’s a great way to connect with people who share similar experiences or interests. But, like anything, there are some downsides too. It's important to be mindful of how much we share about our persona...2025-04-0831 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we fear the worst?As humans, we’ve got this amazing ability to imagine the future and reflect on the past, but honestly, it doesn’t always work in our favour! We can easily spiral into thinking about all the worst-case scenarios, and before we know it, our bodies are reacting as if those things are actually happening right now.A lot of the time, these "what-if" scenarios are shaped by past experiences, or even things we’ve seen in movies, read in books, or heard from other people. As usual, we share our own experiences of fearing the worst, and al...2025-03-2526 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we like endings?In this episode we discuss why we don't like endings and yet life’s full of endings. Whether it’s moving to a new place, switching jobs, or something much heavier like the end of a relationship or losing someone close to us. And yet, it feels like we’re not always great at dealing with them. We tend to push those feelings aside or beat ourselves up for feeling upset when it seems like everyone else is handling things better.But what if we let ourselves truly feel what we're feeling? What if we gave ourselv...2025-03-1131 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we sweat the small stuff?We've both discovered how therapy and mindfulness have been incredibly helpful for managing stress and anxiety. In fact, they've been so impactful that they became the foundation of the work we do today! In the past, we were experts at turning small setbacks into big worries, a habit many of us can relate to! It's easy to get overwhelmed by the little things sometimes.In this episode we discuss the neurological underpinnings of this most natural of processes, and talk about ways of bringing calm and steadiness to ourselves. Along the way, we use lots of met...2025-02-2531 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we have such high expectations of ourselves?This was a really interesting discussion about why we set ourselves unrealistic expectations. We explored the impact of social media, advertising, and cultural beliefs about what we need to do or be to be accepted. This can feed a belief that we are not good enough without being ‘perfect’ and of course we can’t live up to the expectations of being perfect.We discussed how we might instead treat ourselves with kindness and perhaps base our expectations of ourselves on our core values rather than externally-imposed beliefs about what we should look like or achieve.2025-02-1131 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we need to rescue others?In this episode we agreed that we both share the desire to save others from distress or upset. It’s a very human quality but can lead to feelings of overwhelm, or of being taken for granted. It also means that, rather than teaching someone how to solve things for themselves, we inadvertently create an inability to manage their own situation in the other person.Within relationships rescuing may be seen as an expression of a fear that the other person will leave us if we don’t provide help and support. And parents want to protect...2025-01-2828 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we practise what we preach?This episode is a very personal one. We discuss why, at times, we aren’t able to support ourselves in the ways we would suggest for our clients. We explore what happens when our emotional resources are low, and the ‘inner critic’ is loud in our head, which tries to get us to think we aren't worth the effort. If we can take a step back, zoom out, and put a metaphorical arm around our shoulders, treat ourselves as we would treat a friend then we can start to use the techniques that make up our parachute...2025-01-1429 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we find it hard to forgive ourselves?In this episode we discuss how difficult it can be to let go of something we regret like and forgive ourselves for it. We often set ourselves standards that are impossible to live up to; and that we have a tendency to dwell on mistakes, which leads to a sense of guilt and shame.It is also hard and extremely uncomfortable to process our mistakes; to make sense of them and find the learning. So we lean into self-blame and criticism instead which might stem from the brain trying to find a solution. Th...2024-12-3129 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we get anxious?It’s a surprise (to us at least!) that we haven’t covered this topic before now. Anxiety has come up in lots of our podcasts, but this is the first time it’s been the main subject of one.In this episode we discuss the evolutionary need for anxiety, and how we experience it now, in our modern (challenging!) world. We talk about top-down and bottom-up ways of managing it and how we can learn to recognise the signs in our body that we are getting anxious. We explore strategies that can support us when we do sta...2024-12-1730 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we feel "normal"?In this episode we explore the sense we may have about not fitting in, not being like everyone else. We do, though, tend to judge ourselves on how we feel, and others on how they seem to be behaving, and those two things are not the same.We touch on people getting a diagnosis of a neurodivergence, and how that can help to explain why we don’t feel ‘normal’. No-one can be completely average, therefore we all ‘deviate’ from some perceived "ideal". And can we be OK with that? After all, the variations bet...2024-12-0329 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we like losing?This is another wide-ranging discussion, where this time we touch on some of the neuroscience behind why it feels to bad to lose; as well as exploring a range of situations that we might see as ‘losing’.We talk about playing games or sports (Jimmy Conners, the tennis ace once said that he hated losing more than he loved winning!) as well as the losing we experience if the team we support loses, or even if the political party we support doesn’t win in an election.We explore the sense of defining oursel...2024-11-1930 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do I need approval?In this wide-ranging conversation, we explored where our need for approval might come from and discovered that it has a different start-point for each of us. And that will most likely be true for those listening too. The point is that it leaves us unsure of our own opinions, and creates a desire to check out what others think.Sometimes that’s helpful of course, when seeking advice, someone else might have knowledge that would be useful for us when making a decision. The issue comes when we can’t make a decision for ourselves without being...2024-11-0530 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't I know who I really am?In this episode we discuss whether there is really a fixed ‘me’, a single authentic self. We are all slightly different in different situations, so what does that mean? We explore the idea that all the versions of us are actually simply different parts of us coming to the fore, being most prominent or in charge; what Adrienne describes as which part of her is driving the bus!One of the few certainties in life is that there is constant change, and we talked about this meaning that, even though we grow, change, and de...2024-10-2230 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we stress over small things?In this episode we discuss why it is that sometimes we get stressed over things that feel quite small, and we talk about what else might be going on – how much capacity we have for one more irritation. We discuss strategies to reframe the situations over which we have no control and how we might grow our bucket of coping so that things do not overwhelm us. The practice is to see small moments of irritation (being stuck in a queue, noise over which we have no control, etc) as opportunities for practice!2024-10-0829 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we find it hard to keep focused?In this episode, we touch on the evolutionary benefits of having our attention pulled away to new things, and how that does not always work to our advantage in the modern world! With so much noise and distraction in day to day life we need strategies to stay focused which benefit us and ultimately those we interact with.We have a wide-ranging conversation about our personal experiences, and those of our clients. We discuss strategies on how to stay focused, and how to manage the discomfort that a scattered mind and lack of fo...2024-09-2430 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we confuse assertiveness with aggression?In this episode, we explore that assertiveness isn't necessarily a natural human state and we discuss this topic from our personal perspectives. In the past, Adrienne experienced expressing a contrary view with someone as conflict. She was unable to see a difference between asking clearly for her needs to be taken into account, and being aggressive. Lucy, on the other hand, has experienced others mistaking her enthusiasm for aggression. We had a really interesting conversation about these differing experiences, and about how remaining calm and mindful has helped us both express our opinions in a way that...2024-09-1030 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we like surprises?In this episode we discuss our own responses to surprises and explore what’s behind our dislike of them. We wonder if there’s an aspect of control in our reactions, where we have a little more control, we are more open to surprises, and when we don’t have any control, we find surprises more difficult. We also explore how disappointing surprises can be if we had an idea in mind for how it was "supposed to be"!We muse on the impact of wishful thinking when we know something about the surprise, and the consequ...2024-08-2728 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we need to connect with nature?We have a guest with us to discuss this topic – Becky Loto. Affectionally known as “Bossy Becky”, Becky loves bringing out the brilliance in entrepreneurs and business leaders, by inspiring them to have the confidence to change & creating a calm where before there was stress and overwhelm. Becky is a Certified Executive Business Consultant & Strategist, ILM Level 5 Certified Business Coach & Mentor, Property Investor, Networking Host, mum to a teenage daughter, wife to an Argentinian BBQ king and an Ocean Lover. Becky talks about Blue Therapy and Adrienne offers Green Therapy to her clients...2024-08-1331 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we get so overwhelmed?In this episode, we discuss why it is that sometimes we get overwhelmed, and sometimes we don’t! We explore these differences, and realise that it depends on what else is going on in our lives. We draw on our own experiences, talk about how we might recognise when we are beginning to feel overwhelmed, and we give some tips on self-care to help to avoid overwhelm and look after ourselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2024-07-3028 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we fear failure?We were delighted to welcome Henri Ghijben as a guest for this episode. Henri talks about the concept of ‘failing forward’ and we explored the idea that failure is only negative if we don’t learn from it. Henri realised this when he faced losing his home, business and possibly even his family, and this has had a major impact on how he runs his business, and his life. This was an inspiring conversation for us, and we hope that it will also inspire others to embrace the benefits of failing! Hosted on Acast. See acast...2024-07-1634 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we feel good enough?In this episode we discuss what we mean by ‘good enough’ (which is not just barely adequate!) and how we can be OK with doing the best we can with our available resources. This is a topic that comes up a great deal for both of us in our work, and for ourselves. We share our own experiences of when we have felt not good enough and how we work at being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture. And how we work at showing ourselves some compassion. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informa...2024-07-0228 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we connect our mental health with hormonal health?In this episode we have the lovely Amy Viola as our guest as we discuss the impact our hormones can have on our life, and the lives of those around us. Amy is a clinical hypnotherapist, mindset coach and PMD empowerment mentor helping high achievers slow down, find balance and align with their true purpose, desires and needs. She also has a special interest in premenstrual disorders such as PMDD and PME and she helps women all over the world empower themselves to take more control over the relationship they have with their symptoms and cycle r...2024-06-1834 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we see self-care as a luxury?In this episode, we discuss what we mean by self-care, and how that differs from the nice, fluffy candles and baths stuff (which is also lovely!). When we talk about self-care we are talking about listening to our body, putting our anxiety and overwhelm to one side (gently!) and go and do something that will be nourishing for us. The work is in working out whether what would be helpful is to push ourselves out, or to chuck the duvet over our head! If we can get out of our heads and into...2024-06-0425 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we move moreIn this episode Lucy and Adrienne are delighted to welcome their first guest, Sarah Bolitho. Sarah helps people create active lives by providing information, inspiration and ideas that are enjoyable, and effective, and don't involve the gym! With over 30 years in the health-related fitness field, she has worked with a range of clients including people living with long-term conditions, disabilities and mental health issues, and those recovering from treatment for cancer. She has helped design qualifications for fitness and health professionals and works with organisations committed to getting people more active and making activity inclusive and a...2024-05-2139 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do others seem to know how to do life?In this episode we discuss the feeling we all have sometimes of not really knowing how to be a ‘grown-up’, and the sense we have that other people don’t have that struggle. But we all do at times! How to be a parent, an employee, a human. Our brains like to make sense of the world, so we tend to think there is a ‘right way’ to do life and yet there isn’t. All we can do is the best we can with our available resources – physical, mental, psychological. And the work is to accept that is good enough! Hosted...2024-05-0726 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we stay in contact with people who make us feel bad?Some people, (like us two!), are quite risk averse, but we are drawn to people who look like they are having more fun than us. If we want to be seen as fun, or popular, not to miss out then we can find ourselves doing things that we don’t feel comfortable with. If we aren’t aligned with our values then that really feels uncomfortable.We can also find ourselves staying in contact with family members who are not good for us, who may be abusive. There can be lots of societal pressure on what it mean...2024-04-2326 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we never feel satisfied?In this episode we explore that satisfaction is more about being content rather than trying to be happy all the time. As humans it’s hard for us to be OK with that – we seek out and crave the highs. Lots of what we learn from the world is that we ‘deserve’ a happily ever after’, however life is made up of all kinds of moments and ultimately ends for all of us with death! Often we have little control over how our life is, this is just how it is right now, and the work is to be OK, satisfied, w...2024-04-0925 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do I feel like I am going to get in trouble?In this episode we discuss how we can sometimes have a sense that we are about to be in trouble, without even knowing why. This can come from different sorts of parenting/authority figures and is a mechanism to keep us safe, it’s just a maladaptive one, and seems to come from a sense of loss of control. We are primed to get into a fluster, and then our inner critic can kick in and we start to catastrophise. We discuss ways of managing this like noticing the sensations that arise in those moments (which is ea...2024-03-2624 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we see ourselves as others see us?In this episode we explore that others don't view us the way we see ourselves. The fact that we change over time is one of life’s great certainties, so family may have a very different view of us than friends do, and older friends a different version to the friends we have met more recently. We show different parts of ourselves to different people in different situations and yet all those parts are parts of us.This conversation got a little existential – is there even a ‘real me’?! We discussed the idea that we amplify different...2024-03-1226 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we need boundaries?In this episode we discuss how boundaries, rather than putting up walls between us, are in fact about connecting us to others. They are also needed for taking care of ourselves and teaching others how to treat us. There are several different sorts of boundaries and we explore what these are and how they might show up. We talk about how we can use these ideas to take a step back, not to retaliate and to consider whether this is a ‘me thing’ or a ‘them thing’!We also compare how we use the idea of boundaries...2024-02-2727 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we repeat mistakes?In this episode we explore the tendency we have as humans to repeat mistakes. We often define ourselves through our behaviours – “This is what I always do...”, “I’m the sort of person who ...” and that can make it seem like we had no choice in those situations. For example, in relationships we can think it’s meant to be exciting – dating ‘bad boys’ rather than someone kind, reliable, or considerate.We regularly do this when we are younger, and we discuss how this can become problematic if this continues to be our pattern into adulthood and old age. ...2024-02-1323 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we save things for best?In this episode we discuss why we think we need to save things to use only for ‘good enough’ times. We explore the idea that we are denying ourselves the opportunity to wear or use our ‘best’ things, when we could use them whenever we want!There’s a cultural norm about ‘keeping things for best’, which we maybe don’t really examine. We just do it because it’s what you do. What exactly are we saving things for – can today be a good enough occasion? And we do it with other things too – “when I retire I will ...”, but to...2024-01-3020 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we stick to our goals?We generally like to set goals, to have a list and then tick things off. In this episode we discuss that there is however, a difference between tasks that can be completed (work/shopping/diy/etc.) and the goals that we generally set ourselves – things like ‘getting fit’, losing weight, being ‘happy’ etc. These tend to be punitive and unattainable, or at least unsustainable goals.Not only are they unattainable, they also tend to be things we don’t want to do – so why do we do them?! A New Year is a time of reflection, so maybe we can f...2024-01-1623 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we believe life goes "wrong"?In this episode we discuss that we are sold an idea that there is one ‘right’ way to do life; that good things happen to good people. That leads us to think that we have ‘failed’ somehow when things don't go well or according to plan. Culturally we are given messages about how we are meant to be and if we fall outside that we feel bad.If we zoom out to get a broader perspective, we can see that there are any number of ways to live, be happy. Can we step back from the traditional...2024-01-0223 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we get distracted so easily?In this episode we discuss how we are primed to notice things in our peripheral vision, it’s an evolutionary thing, and now it’s hard for us to prioritise all the things we can see, or the thoughts that flit through our heads. There is a sense sometimes of having too many windows open in the browser in our head, so we don’t feel that we can get into a flow with the task at hand!If we can’t decide what is most important, we find our attention getting pulled away, particularly by social me...2023-12-1924 minIt's Not That DeepWhy does everything need to be perfect?In this episode we establish that there can be two types of "wanting to be perfect" one how we want others to see us, and the other how we feel about ourselves. There can be a striving to be the best version of ourselves, and judging when we have been a bit rubbish, as well as perfectionism about the outward version of ourselves. We compare a curated version of someone else with how we feel about ourselves, and we are unlikely to come out of that comparison well!This podcast felt very personal for us both, w...2023-12-0525 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we stay even though we are unhappy?In this episode we discuss that ‘staying’ is both a physical thing –e.g. jobs, relationships etc and also we stay with behaviours that may have served us as children but aren’t useful any more as adults. These can be sedimented beliefs, things we can’t really see, and they can also be things we can see – if only I could change X I would be happier, for example. And this can be really uncomfortable especially if we can’t imagine what the change could be.We explore the idea that there is not a fixed version of...2023-11-2124 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we find it hard to let our guard down?This episode is quite a personal one for both of us! We talk here about being vulnerable, showing all of ourself to others. We discuss our early memories of feeling shame and the impact that has had on us. These experiences mean that we often feel that we are having to navigate rules that we don’t quite understand. And if we have a strong inner critic then that can feed into us feeling that we need to control what we show others; we ‘need’ to be on the look-out for any criticism. It can be difficult to voice an opinion in...2023-11-0721 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we let go of things that don't serve us?In this episode we discuss why there is something comforting about the familiar, even if it makes us unhappy! So we fall into our familiar patterns because they are what we always do in stressful situations. These may well have been behaviours that kept us safe as a child, but they often don’t serve us as adults. So how can we catch ourselves doing these things, and practice doing something different? This is not easy work, of course.The work is in learning to observe our thoughts without believing that our thoughts are us. We can hav...2023-10-2422 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we let small things ruin our day?In this episode we chat about how, when we feel insecure, we might lean on external things to create our sense of self. And if we do this, then the image we build up of our expectations of something can never live up to what we need it to be. Which is in turn upsetting for us. We can believe that everyone else has the same standards as us, but of course, everyone has had different experiences so that leads to having different values, standards, expectations.We discuss that it can be much more helpful to see...2023-10-1022 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we find it hard to take advice?In this episode we explore how we can be defensive about our opinions, and how when we are young we aren’t able to see the long-term consequences of our decisions. We chat about our personal experiences as younger adults, and how sticky it can be for all of us at any age when we are given unsolicited advice!We discuss how therapy and mindfulness can help to develop an awareness of what’s not working for us in terms of us repeating patterns that aren’t serving us. We can work on hearing advice – knowing that we ca...2023-09-2625 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we feel so alone?In this episode, we explore why we sometimes feel really alone, even when we might be among others. We are conditioned to think we are "supposed to" have a mate or partner and can feel inadequate if we find ourselves single. We chat about groups and belonging and that no one person or group can really meet all of our needs. Feeling alone or lonely can make us feel bad and we offer some advice around what we might do to help ourselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2023-09-1224 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we like to make the first move?This conversation focuses on both repairing relationships (romantic, friendships, family) that have broken down, and maintaining relationships where we feel that we always make the first move. We also talk about someone needing to make the first move to create and develop new relationships!We often have a fear of rejection, so it takes courage to be the first one to reach out. There’s also a discomfort in putting ourselves in the position of reaching out first! This can feel like we are saying that maybe it was our fault which is particularly difficult if we re...2023-08-2924 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we chase happiness?We like to feel happy, it feels great! And it’s much better than feeling unsafe, or sad or any of the unpleasant emotions. So we reach for a ‘quick fix’ of external objects to make us feel better, but that dopamine hit does not last long, so we keep reaching for the next thing.How can we become more content on the inside? Because without that, no matter how many external things we get, no matter how much we run from the unpleasant feelings, we will still be unhappy. We need a friendly, accepting, caring relationsh...2023-08-1528 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we lie?In this episode we explore why we tell lies. Generally we lie either to protect ourselves, or to protect others! But of course, there is lots of nuance within those positions. We discuss whether there is such a thing as a white lie, and whether they are ever ok.Sometimes, might lying be a kindness? Or perhaps there is a pleasant way to express our truth – if the intention is good then perhaps it will land better with us?The longer the discussion goes on, the more we realise in how many different ways...2023-08-0128 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we suppress emotions?In this episode we explore the reasons why we might suppress our emotions; from those not wanting to express unpleasant emotions in public through to people who were taught in childhood that expressing emotions is dangerous.We acknowledge the desire to put on a ‘brave face’, or the experience of boring ourselves with our low mood, so not wanting to put that on others. Can we learn to ask ourselves ‘is this an appropriate emotion?’ and then be able to honour and therefore process how we are feeling?We explore gently pushing at our windo...2023-07-1827 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we have knee-jerk reactions?In this episode we discuss how, when we feel confronted, we can react and fight back. We discuss where this comes from, what’s happening in our brains, and how we may resort to a ‘tit for tat’ situation.We reflect on the impact on us once we have calmed down, perhaps a feeling of shame or regret. And we discuss the impact of knee-jerk reactions on child-rearing! We acknowledge the power of practicing pausing and responding, rather than reacting from a place of fear or fight. Learning how to bring our pre-frontal cortex on...2023-07-0424 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we pretend that we are "fine"?In this episode we explore what we might mean by ‘fine’, if and when it’s appropriate or protective to say we are fine, even when we aren’t.Sometimes though, we say ‘fine’ when we aren’t, because we have told ourselves a story about the consequences of telling our friends how we really are. This can mean that we may isolate ourselves; maybe though fear or shame. We can compare ourselves to others – their situation may look to us much worse than ours, so we don’t feel we deserve our feelings.We discuss strateg...2023-06-2025 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we catastrophiseThe human brain is amazing! It allows us to do something that no other mammal can do – we can time travel. We can reminisce about the past and we can plan and look forward to the future. However, there is also a less helpful consequence to this – we can beat ourselves up about things we did in the past, (something we have covered in previous podcasts) and we can catastrophise about the future. In this episode we explore our personal experiences of catastrophising. We also share some of the strategies and behaviours we have put in place to support ourselves in steppi...2023-06-0624 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we trust our gut instinct?There’s a societal lean towards prioritising our rational brains over our emotions, but is that always helpful? In this episode we explore what we know about the science around the role of the gut in emotions, how we might be able to notice what’s going on in our bodies, rather than just relying on our brains, and how we use our gut feelings in our work. When we have had a difficult start in life, it can be difficult to trust our guts, or even know how to engage with our gut feelings. This is not an either/or situ...2023-05-2323 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we hold grudges?In this episode we discuss the feeling of unfairness if we let someone off the hook! If we forgive, does that mean we need to forget? And does that make us naïve? There is an ‘unsafe’ feeling when someone we thought we knew acts in a way we weren’t expecting. We may feel that it says something about us – that we are too vulnerable, something has been exposed and that can feel scary.But, when we hold a grudge, does the other person even know they have wronged us, and that we are dwelling on the upset...2023-05-0925 minIt's Not That DeepWhy can't we tolerate being offended?Most of us will have had the experience of feeling offended by something someone says about us. There is a difference between a personal comment, and a difference of opinion. When our opinions are challenged, we can think that we are personally being attacked – that our opinions ARE us. We explore how true this is, and discuss the idea that we grow and change our ideas over time.Should we be so thin-skinned that someone else’s different view to mine is intolerable? How can we stretch our comfort zone of being with differen...2023-04-2525 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we like ourselves as we are?In this episode we discuss why we often don’t feel comfortable in our own skins, and how we look at others and wish we were more like them. Why is it we want to be different from how we are? We ponder how we can become more comfortable, to show kindness to ourselves whilst encouraging ourselves to push at our window of tolerance.As always, we offer some strategies to accepting ourselves and allowing growth. We need to notice when our inner critic is present, and be able to catch the stories we tell about ours...2023-04-1121 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we believe our thoughts are true?Our thoughts can feel like they are part of us, that they are fixed and unchangeable. We explore where ‘thinking’ happens in the brain, and when in evolutionary terms thinking – the ability to ‘time-travel’ in thoughts started. This ability can, and is, a great benefit to us; AND it can also cause us problems!In the past, we have both been experts at worrying, catastrophising about potential problems! And we have both spent a lot of time working at being able to catch the pattern, and interrupt it happening. We explore the negativity bias and ways...2023-03-2825 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we feel guilt?Why do we feel guilt?Most of us experience guilt at some point. In this episode we begin with discussing why we would need guilt as a useful human tool – given how unpleasant it feels. It is a process that helps us to stay part of a group, it’s entirely about relationships and the way we relate to others, and historically that helped to keep us safe.Our childhood patterns mean that we are more or less disposed to assume things are our fault, and that leads us to feel guilt. However, we can...2023-03-1423 minIt's Not That DeepWhy are we our own worst critic?This is something that feels very familiar to both of us, and we suspect, many other people too! It can be driven by not feeling good enough, which then drives us to strive to be ‘perfect’. We discuss where that comes from in an evolutionary sense, that generalisation of needing to be safe in the group – and how those are now distorted into self-limiting beliefs.We think about how much of that switch from spotting danger into spotting negatives comes from societal norms, and we can see that through history as well as things like playground hierarch...2023-02-2825 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't our loved ones get the best version of us?In this episode we discuss how our loved ones don't always get the best version of us?’ This is something we probably all recognise at times! We perhaps make more of an effort with work-colleagues and friends than we do with those at home. Is there something about it being more comfortable – perhaps we can relax and ask for our own needs to be met at home in a way we can’t in the outside world? There is, after all, a freedom in being able to be ourselves without feeling that we might be judged.2023-02-1426 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we get nervous?In this episode, we discuss how nervousness is a way to keep us connected to the group, and this is an evolutionary mechanism (of course!). It’s separate from a survival fear, though related to it.We explore how this may show up in our modern worlds, and how it can be a useful way of being able to focus on a task, and how this might be organised in the brain.We turn to what we might be able to do to support ourselves when we get nervous, how to separate the sto...2023-01-3121 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we feel the need to set goals?This episode focusses on goals and achievements – most of us love a list! Completing tasks can feel great; and sometimes it can be overwhelming. We split apart different types of goals – those that are tangible and those that are intangible. The intangible ones may be things that society tells us we ‘ought’ to have achieved by a certain age or stage of life. Tangible ones give us a purpose, they are the things that get us up in the morning.We also explore how the fixed ways we see the world, schemas or sedimented beliefs, inform how we enga...2023-01-1722 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we get embarrassed?In this episode we explore where embarrassment comes from (spoiler alert, it has an evolutionary advantage!), it comes from a sense of wanting to belong, be part of the group. And this is where our safety comes from.But, if as a child we had inconsistent parenting then we can internalise shame and that can lead to limiting behaviours as an adult, such as not wanting to be seen or getting embarrassed in public.We talk about the physiological impact of feeling embarrassment and shame, and how we might manage those physical sensations b...2023-01-0323 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we self-sabotage?In this episode we discuss feelings of not being good enough, and those times when we might self-sabotage in order to save ourselves from ‘failure’ – a sense of saving face. This can often come from a lack of self-belief. And that can lead to self-limiting beliefs about who we are as a person. We relate this to our own experiences of relationships, and explore how our ‘blueprint’ of relationships – the ones we see in early life – have a deep impact on how we see ourselves in our adult relationships.We offer strategies to ‘zoom out’ and be an...2022-12-2023 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we agree to things we will regret?In this episode, we discuss why we might agree to do things even when we don't want to. Perhaps it's so that we are seen as a ‘nice’ person, helpful and considerate, but this can also lead us to feeling unseen and overwhelmed. Our exploration of overwhelm leads us to a discussion about self-care and how we can hold our boundaries.How can we find a balance between doing the things and taking care of ourselves, so that we can do some of the things we are being asked to do. It’s not generally all or nothi...2022-12-0623 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we need to be busy all the time?In this episode we discuss that being busy has become a badge of honour, even though as humans we need down-time. We explore the 3 main reasons we feel the need to stay busy and the physiological impact on us for remaining busy. We share experiences from our own lives and importantly we discuss what we can do to break the patterns of ‘doing’ all the time, including setting boundaries, recognising when we need to pause and giving ourselves permission to stop. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-11-2223 min
It's Not That DeepWhy do we care so much about what we look like?It's not just vanity. It's a hard-wired, and an evolutionary urge linked to reproduction and the continuation of the species. The ‘need’ to be perfect has now become linked to social media and filters. We need to have enough self-respect to take care of ourselves, without tipping over into focusing only on our appearance. We discuss whether it is a search for happiness that makes us think that if I look a certain way then I will be happier. Is it possible to learn to be OK with who we are? To develop a sense of contentment with ourself? We discuss wa...2022-11-0821 minIt's Not That DeepWhy don't we like change?In this episode we discuss why it is we don’t like change, and the fact that this is driven by evolution – we like predictability as it feels safe. There is a discomfort when we are confronted by change AND we actually encounter change all the time, from small things (people being late to meet us) to really big things (being made redundant or a relationship ending). We get through those changes, even the really unpleasant ones. So what is that capacity? We explore strategies to manage our discomfort, to develop some ease and acceptance of change, and to step away fro...2022-10-2521 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we have such a low opinion of ourselves?In this episode we explore why we might have low self-esteem or a low opinion of ourselves. This is something that comes up a lot for both of us in our client-work and even in ourselves at times. We discuss how we develop a low opinion of ourselves, the impact this might have on our lives, and how we might overcome it. We muse on how we might step away from comparing ourselves to some sort of ideal version of how we ‘ought’ to be, and how we can step away from the negative stories we tell ourselves. Hosted on Acas...2022-10-1029 minIt's Not That DeepWhy do we overthink things?In this episode we explore how overthinking things leads to stress and causes us a lot of unhappiness and potentially leads to physical problems too. It is a protection mechanism to plan for possible problems but of course we cannot control the future and worrying about it can be really unhelpful. We explore the reasons why we do it and offer some advice and strategies for helping ourselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-09-2727 minIt's Not That DeepBONUS EPISODE Why do we grieve differently?In this episode we reflect on how differently everyone processes grief, the different emotions that the Queen's passing has brought up and how there is no right way we are supposed to feel. Ultimately, can we be tolerant, understanding and kind towards each other however we are feeling or responding. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-09-2018 min
It's Not That DeepWhy do we avoid discomfort?In this episode we talk about discomfort and why our strategies of avoidance don’t work and can be destructive. Pushing away our unpleasant feelings gives them power over us, it’s a form of bullying ourselves, which then creates a stress response. We discuss ways of being with discomfort, learning to recognise and not try to ‘fix it’. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-09-1324 min
It's Not That DeepWhy do we see things differently from each other?In this episode we discuss why it is we often feel it necessary to prove we were right, even in those situations where there is no right and wrong; just different ways of seeing the same thing. How might we bring some compassion to our conversations and disagreements with others, and always remembering that we bring our subjective experiences to situations. We discuss what might we do differently and how we can find more compromise in difficult situations. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-08-3022 min
It's Not That DeepWhy don't we prioritise ourselves?In this episode we prioritise thinking about ourselves, why is it so hard to do and what does it even mean to prioritise ourselves? What about others? If we prioritise ourselves does that mean we are being selfish? Spoiler alert – it doesn’t! Importantly, we offer strategies to prioritise ourselves and discuss how this helps us to consider and support others. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-08-1624 min
It's Not That DeepWhy do we procrastinate?In this episode we explore procrastination, why we do it and why we put ourselves under pressure not just in work-based tasks but in decision making in general. Why do we feel stuck; paralysed with indecision? And what does ‘the right decision’ even look like?! We discuss strategies and suggestions for overcoming the desire to put off making decisions and for loosening the grip of analysis paralysis!Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-08-0217 min
It's Not That DeepWhy do we get stressed?In this episode we dive straight into why all humans react and get stressed. What is actually happening in the body and why do we overreact to things that aren't actually that "deep"? Importantly, we discuss what we can do to help ourselves when it happens.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-07-1822 min
It's Not That DeepIt's not that deep - trailerWhy the name? What's it all about? This short trailer will answer those questions and give more insight into what to expect - welcome to It's not that deep with Adrienne Kirk, Psychotherapist and Lucy Woods, Mindfulness SpecialistFind us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.2022-07-1801 min