Shows
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 42 - Date and Time of Your Bug DeathWe welcome ourselves back to the fray with a not-so-creepy-crawly episode. Imagine you're a bug. Now, imagine yourself under the foot of a larger, more aggressive bug. Are they voiced by a Kevin who shall not be named? Looks like you're in trouble now! Join us this week as we explore 1998's "A Bug's Life," find flaws in the smallest of heroes, pit lovers against each other, and calculate the exact date, time, and cause of our alter-earth bug deaths. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-11-2458 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 41 - Give Me My Egg, Ya Stupid MonkeyIt's been a busy couple of weeks which means we rewarded ourselves with probably one of the grossest films of the early 2000s. It's not gross in a cringe way (unless you're Carolina). Rather, it's gross in the same way that a glass of somebody else's sweat would be gross: body/excretion humor because the low hanging fruit was already on the floor. Yuck it up with us as we endure 2001's "Osmosis Jones," do away with excess plot recap, pit partner vs. partner, and ask for just one likeable dad.
2021-11-101h 04
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 40.5 - Alas, the Universe Said NoHey All! Sorry to say but no episode today and potentially this week. A family emergency struck without warning (as most emergencies do) so we had to pack our bags and head down to San Diego. I tried to talk Lina into bringing the equipment, but then I realized I was trying to convince myself so it didn't work out. I hope you enjoy my dulcet tones. Try and watch the flick before we talk about it so you're not left in the dark. We're changing things up ever so slightly. Thank you...
2021-11-0304 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 40 - Oof... Right in the Crystal BallThere's a point in this film where you're introduced to a distant relative who can only say "I put my hand inside a toilet," and that's the tone you need to confront and welcome. We've watched this before, so we've actually sacrificed twice as much time to this film. There's nothing we can do about it now, though. Join us as we waltz through 2017's "A Witches' Ball," discover Carolina doesn't know what dubstep is, and have ourselves a good, ole' fashioned mom fight. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-10-281h 03
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 39 - This Is All Your Fault, ChowderIf you're looking for a real spook then you have to listen until the very end where Bryan gets genuinely scared by his daughter because she's quiet and filled with terror. But on a real level what don't ghosts haunt? My DM's for one... Spooky come back I didn't mean what I said about the holy water! Shiver with us this week as we watch 2006's "Monster House," do our best at making a better tag line, point out more children's movie tropes, and change the game. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-10-201h 02
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 38 - Nightbooks, Or: Another Story About the Power of ReadingRight up front, y'all: This one has major spoilers. To date this is probably the newest movie we've watched. Altogether we really enjoyed ourselves and it's really early in the morning right now so my brain is still too tired to come up with something clever. There is a naked, invisible cat in this one if that cranks your gears at all. Join us as we watch 2021's "Nightbooks," sidestep into a corpse plant, and realize that sometimes witches do be crazy. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-10-131h 09
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 37 - Spooky, Cousin-Based Emotional TraumaWe watched another fun one, gang. More fun than a bunch of capitalistic bears patronizing me and my hedonistic tendencies. Hopefully you are all in the spooky mood, because it's Spooktober and we're doing an absolute Autumnal vibe check. Join us as we shiver through 2003's "Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktacular," analyze the fun side of childhood terror, make old friends fight, and feel the fall surround us. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-10-071h 08
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 36 - Care Bear Death SquadWas trying to avoid the lateness of this episode but I think its inevitable. The Care Bears heard our diss track, came into our home, and locked us in a hell dimension until we understood the importance of having a true message hollowed out and bastardized by capitalism. Join us this week as we endure 2004's "The Care Bear's Big Wish Movie," point out undead fluff, ask about Wish Bear's attempts at freeing them from eternal curses, and just feel the slog. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-09-301h 08
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 35 - Oops! No MovieFull frontal truth right here folks: we did not talk about a movie for the podcast. The movie watching day came and, with a collective breath of exhaustion, Carolina and Bryan said "oh god, no," and just said scrap it. They watched a movie, just not for the podcast. Join us this week as we reflect on the last 34 movies, give some thoughts about the craft, and set some milestones going forward. As always: thank you very much for listening! notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-09-191h 01
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 34 - You got Bear Tranquilizer in my Blue Hedgehog!Milo and Carolina were sick this week, but Bryan was feeling good as hell. Mind you they weren't feeling particularly great after having watched two video game movies in two weeks, but the doctors said there's nothing they could do about that. Join us this week as we run through 2020's "Sonic the Hedgehog," find another hole in Carolina's game history, wish for shorter films, and challenge the establishment. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-09-101h 02
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 33 - A Space Cat and His RobotI'll cut to the quick: Bryan might have bronchitis so this episode is late. Just like last week. And this description is relatively bare bones, like the movie they watched. Join us this week as we cruise through 2016's "Ratchet and Clank: The Movie," discuss indentured foster kids and pit alien versus robot. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-09-051h 03
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 32 - The Terror on Scooby's Face is RealNormally I, the disembodied narrator voice of this podcast, would have something more to say. But the hosts of this show have been struck with separate illnesses. Hopefully Scooby and Shaggy's palpable horror didn't leave a ghoul in their ducts! Join us as we haunt through 1998's "Scooby Doo on Zombie Island," recognize true fear, decide bobbleheads are bobbleheads, and speculate the reality behind that plantation. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-08-291h 06
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 31 - Four Sisters Trying to Get One Ken FiredYou're Barbie: a young college student forced to take her three young sisters on a three-month trip over summer vacation. Your parents won't explain why, but you have to go to an island and try to get your childhood friend fired from his research job. Also here's four puppies. Don't let anyone die. Join us this week as we watch 2017's "Barbie: Dolphin Magic," ask for a grownup, love lesbian mermaids, and ask what needs to happen to get Barbie a glare gun. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-08-201h 00
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 30 - Your Omnipotent, Houseless NeighborWere some things said under duress in this episode? Possibly. But that does not excuse the fact that I was pressured into a corner and when my fight or flight took over the adrenaline got confused and made me talk bad. You don't have to believe me because I'm right. Join us this week as we wash 2004's "Shark Tale," find another kid's film where someone fakes their death,' give our thoughts about animated, organized crime, and have a good, hearty guffaw. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-08-131h 08
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 29 - Siri: Overwrite Adam's Sense of Free WillWe found a movie that Carolina hates. Feel the warmth of her anger burn through the show. The laughter? Real and derisive. The application that allows you to override anyone who identifies as a man's sense of self? You betcha. Now all we need is a dance off between Zendaya and someone about to lose to Zendaya. Join us this week as we follow 2014's "Zapped," air our grievances, push for the total collapse of gender hierarchy, and pit phone vs. dog. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-08-061h 07
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 28 - A Man Is Dead, SpideyWondering if stylized violence (and action) disqualify you from falling into the family film category? Think again! Some web slinging, a horse actor, and a little bit of manslaughter will help develop a wonderful base to your hero movie stew. Join us as we swing through 2002's "Spider-Man," figure out our role in the avengers, pit aunt vs. robber, and ask for one scene where the Web Head spills coffee on his suit and has to spend 45 minutes washing it out. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com @childrenpod
2021-07-3058 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 27 - Chicken Dance GladiatorWith the help of an arrogant, haughty, petulant boy genius we are back on track. That fudge-haired know-it-all pulled us out of our time vortex and placed us right back on the time line. But uh-oh: I see a clone of myself and that definitely isn't good news. Join us this week as we think through 2001's "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius," appreciate adolescent humbling, say goodbye to the jester, and finally ask what's wrong with everyone else. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com Twitter: @childrenpod
2021-07-2355 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 26 - Please, Sailor Moon, Not AgainCher is the leader of Bobblehead High Council. She does not permit clemency. Carolina and I were too proud to sacrifice a tribute in the original episode 26, so our ruler right up and fucked the data. Just sent it down the toity. So that's why we're disheveled and bloodied. Join us this week as we watch 1995's "Sailor Moon Super S: The Movie: Black Dream Hole," find our highest rated film to date, explore the reality of Sailor Scout murders, and just beg for mercy. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-07-2051 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 25 - Move Over Tinkerbell, Pirates are Hot NowOn one hand the lateness of this episode was caused by an untimely eye infection that limited my screen time. On the other, it was a sign from the universe that talking about pirates in kid's movies will curse me with an eye patch one day. Thank you for your patience. I'll simply do away with the entire eye next time. Join us as we sail through 2014's "The Pirate Fairy," ruminate on lost time, welcome a lovely guest, and push through the slime. Share us with a friend! notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-07-111h 02
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 24 - No Boy Scouts Allowed in Bobblehead High CouncilThe title says it all. Unless Cher makes a universal exception, then Bryan will never be allowed into Bobblehead High Council. Does this fill him with great sadness? Of course. Is he empowered knowing that the sociopath from the movie that Lina picked also won't get in? Of course. Life balances out. Join us this week as we conglomerate with 2005's "Yours, Mine & Ours," explore our own entertainment consumption habits, appreciate Quaidian slapstick, and toe a hard line. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-07-021h 11
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 23 - Mixed Nuts, Charlie BrownTaking a cherished cartoon and bringing it back to life for current consumers can seem a little short-sighted. For one, you might just polish an already adequate story. Or, you might make two boys look like they have bug legs for hair. It's worth the risk, though, right? Join us this week as we reminisce through 2015's "The Peanuts Movie," notice more lifelessness recreations of beloved 2D animations, push through the sleep, and absolutely forget to rate this film. notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-06-261h 03
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 22 - Sacrificial Ducks for One Selfish GooseEdited this episode on anxiety. Sat on our back porch with my laptop on a TV tray. 85°F. Apartment's lamps shining. I do not remember the last time I saw geese migrating. A duckling and its mother inhabit the pool at our apartment. This movie, like all others, gets stacked into the pile--put on the shelf. Wellp. Join us this week as we walk through 2018's "Duck, Duck, Goose," go back to recess, explore the void, and try to find the deep end of a puddle. Email us at notforchildrenpodcast@gmail.com
2021-06-1957 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 21 - The Soulless Eyes of a Pokémon CloneWhile you and I might be nothing more than a composition of two different sets of genetic material we are at least born with a purpose: to figure out how to live. In today’s lecture we’ll discuss the differences between raising Pokémon from an egg and from a test tube, and the very real consequences of both. Join us this week as we reminisce through 2019’s “Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back - Evolution,” point out the porcelain painted protagonists, laugh at 90’s kid's saddest memory, and pull from the void.
2021-06-1259 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 20 - Kick Them Right in the GorgFinding a planet to escape to after you've desecrated your own can be a tricky business. Unless, that is, you've mastered the ways of space colonization and imperialism. Then, you can show it off to kids, and have them empathize with a heartless, soulless, foreign invader. Join us this week as we zoom through 2015's "Home," ponder what does and doesn't matter, question whether or not our daughter understands death, and add a new game to our non-gameshow gameshow podcast. Give us a share, if you can!
2021-06-0456 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 19 - I Was Promised a UnicornI'll bite the bullet and be the first to admit that I liked this film, folks. I may be the disembodied voice of a podcast's whole vibe, but that doesn't mean I can't get behind some fantasy. Elves but technically fairies? We got 'em. The duality of magic? You betcha. Unicorns? Well, there was budget cuts but you'll get your fix. Join us this week as we give in to 2019's "The Fairy Princess and the Unicorn," get our first reluctant victor of Bobblehead, and crave horned equine screen time.
2021-05-2957 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 18 - The Seven Pan Flutes of the ApocalypseBury your darlings with us this week, folks, because we're watching a Peter Pan prequel. We're seeing how every fictional character gets shoehorned into an origin story you're not sure you ever wanted to see. Join us this week as we fly through 2015's "Pan," just absolutely commiserate with ourselves, do our best to help Hugh Jackman escape, and ask what the true risk of art is. Don't forget to leave a review on Apple Podcasts if you have the time. Otherwise, have a lovely day.
2021-05-2153 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 17 - An Easter Film About a Rabbit Coup, for OnceNobody gives a hoot about Easter because it's always about Jesus, you know? But we're here to ask, where's the money? Where's the corporate consumption? Where is my ability to see a CGI rabbit mess around with beautiful, dreamy James Marsden? Where's the respite from Big Jesus' attempts to silence us? Join us this week as we trudge through 2011's "Hop," wonder why more people don't shell out for eggs and have a fair, hare fight. Don't forget to share, subscribe, and leave a rating on Apple Podcasts!
2021-05-151h 02
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 16 - Mommy, Where do Meta Babies Come From?Somewhere on this earth, where the mountains grasp at the heaven's, and its sedimentary base sits older than the idea of life itself, is the Castle Stork. Inside, covered in dust and dehydrated placenta is the baby making machine. And it's not from a 70s porno. Join us this week at we fly through 2016's "Storks," explore the dark magic of postal mitosis, question what is and isn't life, and channel our gladiator spirits with another grueling bird fight. Share the show with a friend or flock of birds!
2021-05-081h 05
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 15 - The Power of Necromantic Book MagicCome with me, and you'll see, this dead librarian's soul trapped in eternal, digital enslavement. Take a look, and you'll see, the power of literary necromancy. We'll begin by being accomplices to a robbery. Join us this week as we read (watch) through 2017's "Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's Library," uncover the grim twin of magical reading, pit boy vs. goose, and get in the habit of spinning IMDB's rating on it's head for our own nefarious purposes.
2021-05-0159 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 14 - Thank God, the He-Man, Woman Haters' Club Finally Burnt DownGet ready to kill your darlings this week because we're taking a classic and smooshing it up real small like the soft part of the bread. And that bread ball? We're gonna eat it for content. Join us this week as we cavort through 1994's "The Little Rascals," take another beloved film and turn it on its ear, settle the age-old fight between dog and monkey, and finalize a new rating system that will forever outshine us and our legacies. Thank you for listening, and share it with a friend why don't ya?
2021-04-241h 02
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 13 - The Gray's Killed my Father (Accidentally)Space is an infinite cosmos but you can bet your sweep bippy that, somewhere out there, something as close to Brendan Fraser as we know exists, and they hate their brother. But that's ok, because after you see them frozen to life-death, you'll just have to love them! Explore the cosmos with us this week as the watch 2013's "Escape from Planet Earth," discuss the limitations of gay villains, marvel at a non-dead, important mother figure, and start the groundwork for a revolutionary rating system.
2021-04-1754 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 12 - Marshmallow Revivification MagicRight off the bat I'm gonna take the L and say that Carolina actually deserves to win Bobblehead High Council this week. Does a man made of marshmallow using their flesh to bring someone back to life secure the win? No. Does her absolute love for this mushy man outweigh Bryan's bitter clinging to a dying tree? 100%. Walk with us down the tarnished road that is 2013's "Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return." Help us wish for a stronger villain and ask for humor that punches up not down. That's all we need.
2021-04-101h 06
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 11 - Rat vs. Cardinal - There Will be BloodIf you commodified your life into a collection of moments, would you cut them up into tiny pieces so you could have more? What if that ruined the integrity of said moments? Would you be pleased with the outcome? Let us explore that question with you. Join us this week as we scurry through 2013's "The Nut Job," ask for something that will really kill a kids film protagonist, completely change the Bobblehead High Council game, and ask for humans to finally up and leave it to the park animals.
2021-04-0257 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 10 - Faked my Death to Avoid the HatersFeel the cool, ocean breeze blow across the nape of your neck as your down feathers shed in the heavenly glow of a tropical island. Congratulations! You've won an all expense paid trip to the isle of Pengu where there's no bathrooms, rampant colonialism, and a shrine to a fake dead bird. Join us this week as we swim through the 2007 film "Surf's Up," dissect the definition of sports, blow the lid off of the animal animated film conspiracy, and spend some time thanking all our favorite pod people.
2021-03-261h 00
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 9 - Miss Piggy's Lucid, Synchronized Swimming Fugue StateListen folks, sometimes in the vast desert that is family friendly films you need to create your own oasis. Does that mean you look to the Henson company and their cast of colorful characters? Of course. Does that mean you also explore the interspecies relationship between amphibians and mammals? Only if you're cool. Join us this week as we indulge in 1981's "The Great Muppet Caper," establish who tops between pig and frog and wonder about the death of synchronized swimming.
2021-03-1954 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 8 - It's Not Even About the Dolphin!Somewhere off the capes of Florida a dolphin remembers the humans it saved branding it with a cruel nickname based on the injury it sustained from its heroic injuries. But who cares about that? Those dolphs in the background are doing sick flips! Join us this week as we dive into 2018's "Bernie the Dolphin" and explore the intricacies of creating cruel nicknames, wonder how long of a con you need to enact in order to dupe Peter Maldoon, and finally break Carolina's bobblehead streak.
2021-03-1357 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 7 - The Rat Is Definitely the TopThis one is late because Bryan's right eye decided to get infected. I'm not saying the film helped cure him, but rather motivated him to fix his eye before this was the last movie it saw. Join us this week as we watch the English dub of 2015's "The Underdogs," cement our position on the subs vs. dubs arguments, dig deep into a blossoming inter-species relationship, and recognize yet another "accidental" immortality curse.
2021-03-061h 01
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 6 - Please, Robot Dog is my Father's NameFamily films focus very strongly on immortality and the various paths you can take to get you there. One example is when you learn you're the ever-charged, digital rebirth of a Florida attic heat stroke death and that love is a feeling, not an action, and the difference is a razor's edge. At least you come back with a vacuum for an anus. So there's that! Join us as we experience 2016's Robo-Dog, discuss whether a life or its robot follow-up is superior, and explore 42 different apps and features.
2021-02-2756 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 5 - Just a Monster Protagonist Baby TubeSometimes your body goes through changes when you're delicately kissing a frog and that's alright. It's normal. We here at Not for Children realize that, sometimes, the hardest thing in life is acceptance. Which is why you should run away from your dad to explore a mythical island shrouded in mystery. Did we lose you there? Join us this week as we venture to the 2017 film Monster Island, explore mommy baby tubes, induct a new member into the bobblehead high council, and embrace the monster within us.
2021-02-1958 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 4 - They Definitely Got Cher FirstIf you only take our advice once, now might be the time: do not watch this movie. Sure it'll fill the void with some interesting animation choices, and you'll get to be blown away learning that Brenda Song is slowly carving her way back into entertainment. But Lina got motion sickness watching this. Join us as we endure Bobbleheads: The Movie and discuss Dumpster dogs, introduce the very important idea of a bobblehead high council, and spend way too much time talking about this forever bobbling fire.
2021-02-1346 min
Not for ChildrenNot for Children Ep. 3 - Make them Orphans!Unicorns: real, fake, or simply a metaphor for Christ? Join us this week on Not for Children as we watch the glittery new film "Wish Upon a Unicorn" and discuss the curse of eternal life, sketchy arms of production companies, and taking the leap to full orphan. Remember: we watch children's films so you don't have to. You could watch the movie and witness the pure, uncut magic of a baby unicorn turn a villain young and then develop a chode horn, but maybe you should leave this to the professionals.
2021-02-0647 min
Not for ChildrenPirates Pretending to be Girl ScoutsEver wondered how Queen Victoria with katanas would make you feel as you ponder the moral weight of selling your family member for a boat load of gold? Then look no further than this week's episode of Not for Children as we soak up the salty 2012 tale of "The Pirates: Band of Misfits." As always we have sacrificed our time to watch the movie so you don't have to. Dive in to a discussion on monkey butlers, surprisingly curvaceous pirates, and understanding why it's important to quit before you're ahead.
2021-01-3048 min
Not for ChildrenThere's a Vampire Octopus in this OneLook we know some of you don't have children, and that's ok. But we're here to talk to you about the movies we watch with our kid, and how we don't get that time back after they're over. Join us this week on our 1:30am deep dive "Deep," or, a story about the shittiest octopus grandson you've ever met, shrimp ass, remembering Samurai Jack wrong, and teamwork in the face of adversity. Not for Children: a film review, gameshow, parenting podcast.
2021-01-2240 min