Shows
Emotional PhysicsBye For Now: What does taking a break from a relationship really mean?Oh, y'all. This is our last episode until we don't know when, so that Tink can go have her baby and meet whatever new parts of herself arise in the process! It has been so meaningful to Tink and Gilly to get to work together to make this podcast for you, and that so many of you listened time after time. We realize now that we needed to make this podcast to clarify for ourselves and each other that tools really do exist to build a romantic love that is devoted and connected, yet won't cause anyone to become ill...
2025-11-2734 minEmotional PhysicsThe Elusive Secure Attachment - How can we get it if we were never shown it?Today is the second to last episode of this iteration of the Emotional Physics podcast before we go on a hiatus to welcome Tink's baby! Omgeeeee!Speaking of parenting and families, we answer a poignant listener question about how and if it is possible to go on to have securely attached adult relationships when our parents did not themselves have a healthy relationship. How can we go forth not feeling doomed by our parents' mistakes? Well, listeners, it turns out that secure attachment is a lot more than what we were shown by our parents. We take into...
2025-11-1333 min
Stance of CuriosityTwo wrongs don’t make a right but sometimes they do make us feel better. Why??Gillian and Joelle do a deep dive into justice seeking behavior, which can present as someone treating others the way they were treated or seeking to make others feel like they are feeling. It turns out there are a lot of reasons why we might be inspired to do so. Our most helpful response in such situations is empathy, validation, and reassurance that their needs are as important as everyone else’s. An emphasis on the use of visual processing tools to find an alternate path to express distress, feel calm, and self-protect is highly effective. Some options include contin...
2025-11-0336 minEmotional PhysicsKink Matching - How to navigate the venn diagram of our most specific desires?Hello listeners! This is our second to last episode of the current season, before we go on baby hiatus! Hiaby? Biatus? Anyway. We answer a listener question on how to handle it when kink preferences don't seem to match up in relationships. Tink offers some very practical ideas related to cock rings and skillful and safer strangulation:https://blog.kinkly.com/what-is-erotic-asphyxiation/Gillian brings her more vanilla energy to the table to help us all remember to consider the unmet need, or maybe even the core wound driving a desire to heal and explore through kink...
2025-10-3031 minStance of CuriosityWhat really is inclusion and how do we know if we are pulling it off?Our lovely and talented guest week, Lauren Hough Williams, offers her expertise as an educator and expert in creating inclusive educational experiences for neurodivergent students. Lauren helps us see inclusion as a mindset that can manifest in a variety of ways. We discuss how to encourage sharing responsibility with the classroom teacher in this effort, as well as creating an environment in which thoughtful risk taking and creativity are supported. While there is no question that inclusion benefits our communities, we discuss how to create plans that maximize the educational experiences of all students in realistic ways. ...
2025-10-2751 minStance of CuriosityProductive Venting vs Fear Barfing: Strategies for managing the adult dynamic of working well with kidsGillian and Joelle talk about the tension that can emerge in professional teams that are in the midst of intense work and limited time for debrief and connection. There are some realistic and practical approaches that can help us effectively process our experiences without risking passing our stress on to our colleagues. For example, there is intentionality in how we use the brief pauses in our day that can shift our overall cognitive and emotional stress. There is also an art to how to express our responses in a vent that can reduce isolation, release stress, and receive a hel...
2025-10-2037 minEmotional PhysicsThe Capacity To Be AloneThis week we share a MASSIVE LIFE UPDATE for the Emotional Physics family! We also answer a listener question about tolerating alone-ness after a breakup long enough to feel its benefits, rather than leaping into whatever new connection is most accessible to us right after relationship loss. We get extra shrinky today and bring in an old psychoanalytic text on what gives humans the "capacity to be alone" (cited below). It turns out that humans are wired for connection and no one is so good at being fully, perceptually, symbolically, and internally and externally alone. That would be dangerous for...
2025-10-1633 min
Two Sides of the SpectrumStartled, Trapped, & Shamed: How to Stop Accidentally Dysregulating Autistic KidsAll behavior makes sense, we just have to make sense of it. In this conversation, psychologist Dr. Gillian Boudreau helps us see that underlying nearly any behavior is fear. And so often, the fear is related to a child being startled, feeling trapped, or being shamed. But if you aren’t looking for it, it’s easy to miss. In this conversation we explore the nuance of each of these - especially for PDAers - and Gillian's exact roadmap for concrete ways to avoid them (complete with clever acronyms for each). This is a must-listen episode to help you unde...
2025-10-151h 00Stance of CuriosityA Curious Look At DepressionJoelle and Gillian discuss what they have learned about depression through their clinical practice. How can we be curious about our own responses to gain insights into how a depressed person is feeling without taking those on as our own? What strategies and approaches are most effective? Why is it almost as hard to support a depressed person as it is to be depressed? Is depression the enemy or another form of self-protection? Where do we find hope in each other and in our experience when it comes to depression? Find us on Instagram! ...
2025-10-1344 minStance of CuriosityWhat Do We Do With All These Anxious Kids At School?In today's episode Joelle and Gillian discuss the nature of childhood anxiety in general and how powerful it can be in creating physical symptoms and derailing learning. Below is Joelle's amazing one-pager including all we discuss in this episode, and more!Strategies for students who get stuck when feeling anxious.Joelle van Lent, Psy.D.1.) Externalize the anxiety and align with the child against the anxiety.Ask the child to give anxiety a name and even draw a picture of what it would look like if it were visible. T...
2025-10-0646 minEmotional PhysicsThe Weak Hinge: Good Boy Syndrome and the related misconception that women were born to calendarIn this week's episode, we answer a question on the "weak hinge" in polyamory relationships. We found ourselves passionately discussing a research study on interpersonal synchrony which drove us into the exploration of the "good boy syndrome" and all ways in which so many folks are deeply afraid of discomfort and hurting feelings. Not to spoil it all, but the conclusion is that if you are gonna be in any kind of relationship you are gonna need to learn how to disappoint and get uncomfortable. Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contactF...
2025-10-0239 min
Two Sides of the SpectrumSafety As The Foundation of Everything with Dr. Gillian BoudreauEpisode 67 was one of our most impactful episodes ever, and today we invite you to re-listen. Often as OTs and SLPs we skip right to teaching our Autistic clients new skills. But what about their experiences of felt safety while they are with us? What work do we need to do so that we can show up calm and connected and ready to support our Autistic kids to feel truly safe before they are ready to learn? Psychologist and school psychologist Dr. Gillian Boudreau talks us through this essential and often overlooked first step to supporting our Autistic clients...
2025-10-0146 minStance of CuriosityBreak The Break Habit!This week Joelle and Gillian took a look at a pattern where students might learn how to use breaks out of the room to self regulate (great!) but then might become over-reliant on this one coping strategy, contributing to extra time out of the class and also perhaps getting in the way of opportunities for belonging and co-regulation in their classroom community (not so great!) Often our over reliance on breaks results in lowered stress tolerance and stamina. Often what the student is doing on a "break" is not directly related to their unmet need. For example, if...
2025-09-2941 minEmotional PhysicsIn many respects the opposite of an episodeHi friends, today is just a quick note to announce that we are moving to an every other week release schedule, so that we can keep bringing you the high quality content you deserve while also keeping up with life as it careens about for us both. We will see you next Thursday with a new episode!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast
2025-09-2501 minStance of CuriosityWhat do we do about sexualized behaviors and words in schools?In this week's episode, Joelle and Gillian discuss how we tend to conceptualize, and what we tend to recommend for "breathtakingly inappropriate" behaviors and words that can come up in any classroom, but particularly on the middle school and high school level. We discuss the role of social media as having the capacity to bring folks down darker "rabbit holes" when they are mentally dissociated and somewhat vulnerable to assimilating information outside of their values, and the ways in which children might find themselves exposed to material that normalizes a lack of consent in words and behavior. We talk ab...
2025-09-2242 minEmotional PhysicsWhat Makes for Good Sex? An exploration of generational context, expectations, and M&MsIn this week's episode, we answer a two-part listener question - for one, is sex always at the heart of things people are working through in couples therapy, and for two, if sex is so important why is there data that less of us are having it? We found our way into a discussion on the level of fear surrounding sex in a person's upbringing having a surprising impact on the amount of sex they have, thrilling data that Gen X women are actually one of the only demographics having more and better sex these days (and why that m...
2025-09-1833 minStance of CuriosityIs There A Role for Shame in Shaping Student Behavior?Gillian and Joelle discuss concepts related to healthy identity formation, belonging, and motivating behavior change. There are many nuances in this discussion, such as the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling shame, the role of guilt as a "rumble strip" keeping us on track with our values, and how our language can either motivate positive growth or cement a negative/hopeless self-concept. We reference Brene Brown- https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/We mention Adam’s Grant’s book- Hidden Potential Find us on Instagram! Gillian: https://www.instagram.com/clearconnectionpsychology/ Joell...
2025-09-1546 minEmotional PhysicsIs My Partner Trying To Help Me, or Control Me? How relationships can foster healthy growth without drifting into manipulation or abuseWell we found ourselves pretty fired up in this week's episode! Here we respond to a listener question on the type of partner change it's appropriate or helpful to ask for. We end up grappling pretty deeply with the conflict between the truth that romantic relationships are often the most profound cauldrons of change and growth in a human lifetime, and the equally visceral truth that TRYING to change a partner can very quickly tip into "uh-oh" territory of control and manipulation. We do our best to own the lived experience we both have that has given us (and thi...
2025-09-1135 minEmotional PhysicsWhat's The Deal With Couples Therapy? Or: If therapists are such good map makers why can't Gillian chart a course from water to glass?In today's episode, Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question from someone feeling alarmed that they have been asked to go to couples therapy by a partner, worrying that this might be a punishment or a sign that the relationship is doomed, and wondering what to expect if they do choose to go. We share on some of our experiences in the couples therapy room both as client and as therapist over the years, and hopefully make the whole experience feel less weird, doomsday, or scary. On the other hand, we note the ways that couples therapy can be...
2025-09-0439 minEmotional Physics"How Can I End Things Ethically After I've Acted so Boyfriendy?" Or: A kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice.This week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question from someone looking for a way to end a relationship skillfully and kindly, especially after the vibe may have communicated long-term intent. We engage in some healthy debate about starting breakup conversations over text, and whether we have a responsibility to inform the person we are planning to break up of our general intent before inviting them on a hang to discuss same. We discuss the absolute pressure cooker of dating in the 30s for folks interested in carrying children, and turn to some vintage Flight of the Conchords for wi...
2025-08-2836 minEmotional PhysicsRe-Release: Cheating Part 2!This episode was originally released in March 2025, however Gillian basically just posted it wrong and it landed in people's feeds weird and as such it got missed by many. We are off from recording for one more week as summer chaos winds up, but we wanted to re-release this so folks can have a chance to figure out how to repair once cheating has occurred! If you haven't listened to Cheating Part 1 yet (from earlier in March 2025) you may want to start there. Fun fact: Cheating Part 2 was also the first appearance of our "Listener Question" jingle, an editing wiz...
2025-08-2137 minEmotional PhysicsHurry Up And Be OK So I Can Be Ok! A survival-brain explanation of codependency, and the ways we can heal our relationships from itTink and Gilly are *back!* For now. We actually will be away once more next week because summer is nuts but THIS WEEK we discuss codependent dynamics in relationships and what to do about them. If codependency can be defined as needing the next person to be ok before we can be ok, where does it come from? What might be we be afraid of that can make it so hard to tolerate any distance or discomfort in relationships? On the way we discuss possums in the freezer and tarps in the gazebo, we review for the gazillionth time some...
2025-08-1432 minEmotional PhysicsMicro-Breakups: On relationships that seem to end just as soon as they have really begun, and how to remain CUNTY throughout. Featuring music by Lambrini Girls!In this week's episode, Tink and Gilly catch up on relationship experiences present and past. Gilly shares her love for the relational freedom anthem of 2025, Lambrini Girls' song Cuntology 101, and an accidental listening party for two that she recently hosted on a dinner date. We field a listener question on Micro-Breakups, or what we call the particular confusion and non-specific ache when relationships end a couple of months in, right when we might have started getting cozy and settling in. We talk about how to grieve the hopes you had perhaps *just* started allowing yourself to have, how to sta...
2025-07-3138 minEmotional PhysicsHow To Ease Into Kink: From talking about talking about it, to getting a dominatrix action figure in your own likenessToday's episode addresses a listener question on how to consider what kink might have to offer them, particularly after a shame-based history around sex from a strict religious upbringing. We bring in shrinky topics like staying within a "window of tolerance" (maybe a tiny bit edgy but very close to the sphere of what feels safe and familiar at first) when expanding after the constriction of a traumatic experience, while also defining some of the basics of what is often considered the realm of kink for those who might be interested but may not have much context. We also ta...
2025-07-2441 minEmotional PhysicsAll My Friends Hate It When I'm In A Relationship! Jumping into the basket of romance without overturning the lettuce display of friendshipIn this week's episode, we catch each other and you the listeners up on our travels over the last few weeks, including an exploration of the high concentration of ex-partners cluttering the grocery stores of the great state of Vermont. We also respond to a listener question about struggles to balance friendship and relationships, and skepticism or withdrawal from friends that can then occur when we get into a new relationship. Tink and Gillian analyze why they themselves have in their youth past lost themselves in relationships and abandoned friendships, only to come crawling back without acknowledgement once in a...
2025-07-1738 minEmotional PhysicsBonus Episode: An unsupervised early conversation on non-monogamy and queernessWe are both on vacation this week, so we took our cues from you, our listeners! Before we got our producer and started recording for real, we spent about a year meeting each week, recording our conversations like wierdos, and honing in on what we wanted the podcast to be about. One such conversation in the summer of 2024 generated some of the clips that have been most popular on our instagram account, and have caused y'all to ask us "Hey, where is the episode with this conversation in it??" Fair enough, friends, so we had our producer do his be...
2025-07-1035 minEmotional PhysicsTopping In The Apocalypse: Atopcalypse? Apocatop?This week Tink and Gillian answer a listener question on the pressure on tops (those who tend to lead, or "do" the action in sexual engagement while bottoms might tend to submit to, allow or receive the action) to perform sexually, and how to handle it in relationships when a top is simply too pooped. Or depressed. Or understandably overwhelmed. By the terrifying times. We are all living in. But especially those of us who don't fit the cookie-cutter societal expectation. In this episode we cover: ADHD-specific clothing destruction tactics, fighting the helplessness and dissociation that unhealthy power...
2025-07-0340 minEmotional PhysicsWhose Business Is This? How, when and why to share sensitive information with new partnersThis week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about how to navigate disclosing things like mental health diagnoses, trauma histories, health information, or anything else that we might feel shame about or might give a partner pause. We discuss considerations of whose business is what based on potential impact at different stages of dating, as well as how to think about sharing what we know about the "care and feeding" of ourselves and our nervous systems, as early as we feel we might really like someone, not out of owing or altruism but actually out of a selfish d...
2025-06-2632 minEmotional PhysicsWho's Doing What and What's Doing to Who? All about threesomes and how we can prepare for and execute them well.Today's show answers a listener question specific to how monogamous coupled-up folks can best prepare for, talk about and have fun with threesomes! We discuss how common this fantasy is, and how important it is to actually start at the level of fantasy when bringing new ideas into the sexual repertoire, including some fun role-play to try before a real third person ever enters the mix. We also discuss how to set healthful and ethical expectations going into a threesome, as well as how to avoid being a dreaded "unicorn hunter" or a coupled-up duo forgetting about the three di...
2025-06-1939 minEmotional PhysicsOnce You Hit Magma You Can Text Them Back: How to navigate blooming into new love while grieving old love?In this episode Tink and Gillian dive into one of our favorite topics which wierdly enough is actually grief! But before you fear that this episode will be a huge downer, take heart because this episode is actually about:1. Finding the wisdom, relief, stillness and "aha" quality of grief2. Courageously relinquishing the idea that you need to be healed before finding new love3. Developing a map of positive signs that you are ready to date while grieving4. Recognizing that grief is a shared human experience both bigger than but also more c...
2025-06-1235 minEmotional PhysicsLonely vs. Alone: How can we carry our seasons of single-hood with grace and panache?In this episode, Tink and Gillian answer a question from a listener who is choosing a single life right now, but is wondering how to sit wisely with loneliness when it arises. We discuss aloneness versus loneliness, and take a look at our cave person/survival brain's tendency to create the negative experience of loneliness by telling us that we must be alone due to having been rejected, punished, or otherwise left to be eaten by the wildebeests. We discuss therapy tools from modalities like Internal Family Systems therapy and somatic therapy to both interrogate and find compassion for lo...
2025-06-0535 minStance of CuriosityWho's Afraid of What? What to do when team interactions get diceyGilian shares her strategy of processing adult interactions that don’t go as expected, including at times conflict and defensiveness. Stepping back to consider how fear may be inspiring our responses and re-approaching the interactions with some perspective and curiosity can be very helpful. Joelle and Gillian share some of their key strategies that may help when stress and fear are taking over-Who is afraid of what? Slow down and back upShare the worryGet consultation from a trusted sourceVisualize the situation as a contingency map - wha...
2025-06-0248 minEmotional PhysicsDating In The Wild: How do you connect with cuties in real life?In this episode Tink schools Gillian, and our listening community, on how on earth she seems to have such an easy time meeting cute sweeties in real life. Gillian identifies some things that have tended to hold her back in doing this, in particular middle-school lingering fears of rejection, or even of it being shameful to be a human in the world with eyes and ears who might potentially look at or jump into the conversation of someone else in a public space. Together, we discuss some psychological ideas about confidence, authenticity, and balancing discernment with loving like you ca...
2025-05-2941 minStance of CuriositySocial Humility: Replacing confusion with curiosity. Featuring Aaron Lanou!The podcast welcomes our second guest, Aaron Lanou! Aaron is one of Gillian's longtime favorite colleagues and thought partners, and you can read all about his work here:In brief, Aaron worked as a special education teacher in New York City public schools for 10 years, working with students with autism and learning disabilities in inclusion and specialized settings, from kindergarten through high school. He went on to be the Director of Professional Development and Executive Director of NYU's Nest Support Project, leading the team and supporting the largest autism inclusion model in the country. He developed and pr...
2025-05-2655 minEmotional PhysicsFightin' Words: How can we level up the fighting style to make our relationships powerful cauldrons of growth and maturation?In this episode we address fighting, a big topic as far as both listener questions and our couples therapy practices. We discuss ways that we actually are in favor of fighting at times, and note that a fight with a healthy repair can create even more strength in a relationship than never having had any rupture (rip in the fabric of harmony and getting along) at all. As always we share some of our own stories to illustrate topics like:- How fights with partners are uniquely positioned to illuminate our blind spots and give us...
2025-05-2243 minStance of CuriosityWhat do we think about technology use among kids and teens now?Gillian and Joelle discuss their ever-evolving professional opinions on technology, social media, and video gaming use among elementary, middle, and high school students. While it may seem clear what schools should do in elementary and middle school, high school turns out to still be an area of debate. Joelle proposes that setting clear boundaries is easier than it may seem. Gillian offers nuance from neurodiversity-affirming practice and what she is learning from self-advocates. Our thinking may have even evolved during this conversation! Join us to see how your experiences line up with our current opinions. Find...
2025-05-1942 minEmotional PhysicsMountain Dew Donuts and Fiat Flamingos: Why partners embarrass us sometimes and how we can handle itIn this episode, we take a look at the theme of embarrassment in relationships, based on several listener questions on the topic including:1. How can I get my partner to stop being so embarrassing?2. Why is my partner so embarrassed by me?and3. Why do I find myself roasting or trying to embarrass my partner sometimes when I know this isn't cool behavior?As always Tink and Gillian share some tales of their own historical foibles and what they have learned from them. We also bring in some neurological...
2025-05-1533 minStance of CuriosityFinding Hope in Simplicity and Connection. Featuring our first *guest!*Joelle and Gillian welcome their first guest to the Podcast! Meet Roger, a teacher in the Maryland/DC area. Roger shares his approaches to supporting students in the context of heightened stress and certainty. He shares a strategy that utilizes routine, writing, and connection to support students to access learning even when they are contending with powerful emotions. Some themes that emerge include self-trust, sharing the worry, and always having a plan. We mentioned neuroscientist Dan Siegel's "Name It To Tame It:"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcDLzppD4JcFind us on Insta...
2025-05-1252 minEmotional PhysicsHelp I Have A Huge Crush On My Friend!In this week's episode we discuss the universally human and hurts-so-good phenomenon of pining after someone who is already our friend. We have gotten several different questions on this topic and WE GET IT being serial-friend-crushers ourselves. We do our best to get to all of it in this episode including:1. Should I tell my friend I have a crush on them? If so, how? Is it bad not to tell them?2. Is there a way to tell if my friend is also crushing on me?3. Why do I keep getting crushes on my f...
2025-05-0840 minStance of CuriosityWhat is PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy) and is it a new thing?Gillian and Joelle talk about the framework of PDA and how it can both reinforce approaches we have long-used very wisely, as well as inspire some new ways of understanding student responses and needs. As with any new concept, we can temporarily lose our sense of confidence and competence. The ideas offered by the PDA framework can also increase our depth of understanding of the capacity for our community to support all learners. Joelle and Gillian talk through some examples to play around with how the ideas offered through PDA can help us anticipate the reaction to various strategies and...
2025-05-0539 minEmotional PhysicsWhy romance can make us all a bit harebrained and how to let it in without wrecking your lifeIn this episode we answer a listener question from someone who finds themselves avoiding their romantic longings out of fear that love might, once again, wreck the many awesome things going on in their independent life. We talk about the neurobiology of how and why a big romantic spark can make humans feel both so disoriented and so vulnerable. Gillian brings out the super shrinky psychoanalytic theory to identify how new relationship energy can even dissolve people into a regressed infantile state at times, causing us to misperceive any old hottie as some idealized partner/caregiver who is perfectly a...
2025-05-0139 min