Shows
Instead OfOpt-InThis week, it's movie night! First up in our triple feature is the latest MJH/Dave Chappelle vehicle, and let's just say: Executive Producer Josh Harrison is a dirty, no-good liar. Next up, Mike Bogart stars as Krunklestiltskin in the movie it took a cult to make: Cats II. Grounding out the night, it's the Ultimate Director's Cut of the 2004 cult classic Mr. 3000, where they digitally insert flashlights in everybody's hands in every scene.Pairings: tongue crunches; afterparty pregnancy; one libation, extra filth2020-09-1800 minInstead OfWhere Do All the Turtles Go?Good evening, and welcome to the Instead Of NewsHour. Our top story tonight: Disturbing found footage of a turkey trot in Boston is raising new questions in the mysterious disappearance of local turkey Josh Harrison. In sports, superstar devoicalist Tapan Jani puts his unbeaten record on the line in the Devoice Challenge. And on the lighter side, renowned eccentric Mike Bogart will offer a reading from his new poem, "Where Do All the Turtles Go?"Pairings: a tasty Sorrento platter; defunct YouTube channels; 14:42 in Hell2020-09-0400 minInstead OfAn Abundance of Lobsters and PiesShakespeare once said, "That which we call a grape by any other name would taste as sweet." Much like that quotation, Shakespeare was way off. This week on Instead Of, we eat your organs during the ultimate single-mouth battle to the death: It's cherries vs. grapes. Mike vs. his fedora. Josh vs. gravity. Tapan vs. late-stage capitalism. Fasten your seatbelts, folks. We... don't remember how to drive.Pairings: finger divots; cat options; odds-defying vigilance2020-08-2800 minInstead OfHandheld Concussion MachineHere at ZipVan Winkle’s, we take all the waking stress out of moving. You know how, when you’re awake, moving sucks? That’s where we come in. ZipVan Winkle’s is built on the timeless idea that when you’re asleep, you don’t know what’s going on. With our patented Right Angle-Identifying technology, you can rest assured that we’ll never cut corners. And as experienced storm chasers, we’ll never conduct your move during a tornado (though our patent-pending hairpills mean you’ll never know the difference!). Move with ZipVan Winkle’s, and you’ll wake up in a brand ne...2020-08-2100 minInstead OfThe Narc ReceptorWhen it comes right down to it, folks, the thing about this week's episode is that it's hard to explain, right? It's even hard for us, and we've been studying it for years! But if you can give us a little of your time and attention for the next 45 minutes or so, you just might learn something new. So let's get started! Did you know that Josh wears the pants of his long-dead ancestors? As we like to say, more like "haute mature!" Now, if you can believe it, Tapan was one of the very first folks to ever...2020-08-1400 minInstead OfBetter Mike than NeverThere's no other way to say it: This week, your hosts shed all pretense and artifice, calmly throttling the life out of our cooler, younger selves as we make a dispassionate defense of the categorical imperative to maximize one's cribbage score against one's girlfriend. Seven years post-Gangnam Style, we here at Instead Of are of an age where being on a CSI show seems cool, and we're thriving. Tapan knows all the best pills to take, Mike's working on his dead will, and Josh plays every game like it might be his last, nice and friendly-like.Pairings...2020-08-0700 minInstead OfPfleugerismIf you're anything like us, and you've recently been on a drug-fueled stream-of-consciousness off-roadtrip with your best buds, you'll understand exactly what we mean when we say that Josh's body is not only a waterpark but also all seven layers of Hell. This week, we get our feet dirty (while they're not nailed down) and really connect with the Earth and all its luscious grasses. Along the way, we learn some important lessons: Jesus knew what he was talking about when it came to ROI on billboards; sometimes you need to wet your own carpet; and toasters are, amazingly...2020-07-3100 minInstead OfSpiders Make SenseMuch like America at-large, your faithful hosts are having a weird one this week, and we must therefore beg for your forgiveness on a number of counts, chief among which is Josh's subpoen-able Pee Movie. Lo, the teen knew not what he would commit to video literally forever, and yet, like us all once we really get going, he could not stop. Later on, Mike takes a touery of a brewery, we become a real podcast, and Tapan is metaphysically undone by hot sauce.Pairings: a stupid idiot Tamagotchi; pen and pad; a tomtom for your TomTom2020-07-1000 minInstead OfThe Carpenter's LamentINT. “WIN IT ALL WITH MIKE BOGART” SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHTJOSH kneels, head in hands, on a stage strewn with bloody gray feathers. A falcon, perched on a sawhorse, preens itself to stage left. Shocked murmurs echo from the TV audience.JOSHNot my cygnets! How could you, Falcor!?TAPAN enters the stage, followed by MIKE. JOSH reaches for the saw at his feet, but MIKE’S foot lands on it before he can pick it up.MIKEI’ve got good news for you, Josh! ...You’re moving on to the n...2020-06-2600 minInstead OfClam HandsThis week, your hosts are all househens and clamhands as we celebrate the nation's numerous and individual small businesses, each of which is unique in its similarity. Among the multitude of self-same businesses large and small, we identify definite outliers: Blacktop Mike's Listening Room, Tapan & Andy's Auto Body, and Succulent Josh's Murder-for-Hire.Pairings: A spiritual hole in your heart, $5 a month, and a Patreon login; enough dogs; Circles: Cones from Above2020-06-1900 minInstead OfThe Double JosephWhen it comes to mail fraud, this podcast has a firm position: Yes. Here at Instead Of HQ, we open other peoples' mail all the time, and you know what? It's even more thrilling than it sounds. We found all kinds of stuff in there this week, including: Josh's fervent teenage social-ishm, Mike Bogart and the Reluctant Witches, and the bad 49% of Tapan's body, but mostly it's ads for pizza cutters.Pairings: Center Stage 2: Ballerina 2 Ballerina; Calphalon-esque brand recognition; the cutting-edge science behind Bagel Bites2020-05-2900 minInstead OfModel Alley CitizenFrom new customs to new costumes, we're all adopting novel habits and hairstyles here in quarantine—especially Josh. This week, your resident hairline hardliner has his Travis Bickle Britney moment, while also-host Mike allays all his anxieties among avian-adjacent allies in alleys, and equal-host Tapan tries triumphantly to stamp a talkative teen tiger's ticket to the Ivy League. Pull up a stool, pour yourself a delicious chicken parm smoothie, and say hey to our moms for us, would you?Pairings: crust aroma; renewable China; LaxPact.com: "Legal; advice?"2020-05-1500 minInstead OfDigital DogsHere at Instead Of HQ, we’ve been venturing out of our communal bunker one host at a time, and Oh! the things we’ve seen. Pointillism parks, boastful Ohioans, beavers... the list ends there. There’s really not much going on. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a funky party in celebration of Episode 150! Come, join us in our anti-viral communal bunker as we discuss: How many dogs Josh has killed, how many dogs it takes to eat Mike’s chronic inflammation, and how many dog attacks one financial institution can withstand. Hmm? Who’s that weird guy...2020-05-0800 minInstead OfThe Killing StoneDeep within the furthest recesses of space, quasi-transmogrified by multivalent shards of fractional time, this week's episode is brought to you in quantum simulcast from both inside and outside the neediest, most approval-seeking wormhole in the universe, which is paradoxically contained within each and every cell that makes up your very brain. Much like the... noise particles? that are even now beating relentlessly against your ear drums, so too do we, in this one, beat relentlessly upon the laws of physics in pursuit of the best idea we've ever had: full-size remote control rocket car soccer. Also, Josh rues...2020-04-2400 minInstead OfThe Brothers WooDo you know how many astronauts are in space right now? When's the last time an astronaut told you a funny joke? When's the last time an astronaut changed your tire? When's the last time an astronaut made an impact on your life in any way? Look, folks, let's face it: Astronauts have been freeloading here on Earth for years now. This week, we're not bitter about failing to get accepted into the space program, and: Josh bombs at a stinky stand-up wing joint, Tapan walks right into a punny Memento sequel, and Mike woos the spiritual successor to...2020-04-1000 minInstead OfTony SkateboardSoooo things have moved quickly since our last episode... including Josh! He's bouncing back to an empty apartment in Boston next week, and as his business partners and fractional-brothers, Mike and Tapan are here to help him generate entertaining analog content with a no-masturbation-allowed brainstorming session. Ideas include: losing his sanity in the midst of writing and rehearsing a one-act play to perform for himself... and himself; bunnies, in shadow; and growing a forehead poof.Pairings: a karma daddy; sensitive ears; the trifles of the bourgeoisie2020-03-2000 minInstead OfPeanut Butter on Your HeadJust in time for the global pandemic, we here at Instead Of HQ are bringing you the exclusive, 100% true tips and tricks you need to crush your self-quarantine, including: how and why to hamster your home, exactly where to slather the peanut butter, and how to make the hottest new fashion accessory of the (flu) season. Later on, we celebrate Tapan's legendary impressionism, Mike relives his salad days growing salad, and Josh harnesses the remarkable healing fluids of flaccid aloe.Pairings: Pso-Bye-Assist!™; building consensus; the good eighth2020-03-1300 minInstead OfLivin' La Vida PuraHey everybody, Josh went to Costa Rica and had a great time and now he's back, so guess what we're gonna talk about? Join us this week for a grueling slideshow of the 1,100 pictures Josh took in Costa Rica, followed by a retrospective on the tour guides Josh met and befriended in Costa Rica, concluding with Josh's field guide to tipping etiquette in Costa Rica. Just kidding; you won't begrudge Josh one second of pure vida airtime because he actually talks about dope shit like resplendent quetzals and flaming bananas. You're gonna love it. Later on, we stumble into...2020-03-0600 minInstead OfThe Costa Rica DispatchesSome of us here at Instead Of HQ have a thing for chairs. Everybody's got a thing, right? Some folks just happen to have a thing for chairs, and that's fine. That is, until an innocent fascination with chairs becomes a lifestyle. An obsession. An Adiron-diction. Join Tapan this week as he ventures into the home of a chair-based criminal mastermind. Join Mike as he forays into the family of a very responsible driver. Join Josh as he greases a sloth jockey at a very corrupt zoo. Three stories. Two hosts. One clairvoyant lion.Pairings: Anti-American sentiments...2020-02-2800 minInstead OfThe Horses Are FineIf you’ve ever planned a party, you know that without thoughtfully executed ice breakers, your guests are entirely on their own to form their factions and, through diplomatic channels, strike that perfect party balance between anarchy and fascism. Lucky for everyone at your next get together, Two Pants Tapan, Mirrored Mike, and Jumpsuit Josh are back with an all-new Certified Rager Total Party Solution™. This time we’re offering an exclusive one-week only Ice Breakers Crash Course, in which you’ll learn the party boys’ tips and tricks to freeze awkward encounters in their tracks, including: what to look for i...2020-02-2100 minInstead OfGörp & ScoonbaWhen it comes to limits, Tapan and Bradley Cooper agree that the fewer, the sexier. Take it from them: the less inhibited your brain is by the artificial constructs that've been holding you back all this time, the more free you'll be to finally tattoo the really big muscles you've always wanted straight on to your whole body. In this one, your hosts consider real hypotheticals for once, resulting in: Josh negging both of his favorite cookies in one episode, Tapan putting an elephant in the room, and Mike Görping his way to spotless personal crannies.P...2020-02-1400 minInstead OfPringle BreathHitting theaters this fall, from Instead Of Studios, it's THREE HUSBANDS, ONE WIFE! What happens when three recently widowed brother husbands hit the Vegas strip to wager the last will and testament of Princess Diana on a Pringles eating competition? Why, just a rip-roaring romp through the wild and wacky world of basic probability is all! You'll watch Josh as he doubles down on cream. You'll see Mike eat vitamins with his butt (for potency). You'll gasp in awe as Tapan conducts marriage counseling... from inside the marriage. Also there's a skateboarding dog!Pairings: a patient bookie...2020-02-0700 minInstead OfThe Beat Is OnWhen two highly-trained, ruthless Greek warriors come to blows in the heat of battle, each single-minded in his purpose, muscles rippling beneath their sun-kissed, sweat-drenched skin—that's the kind of human perfection you just have to paint. When Mike strips his singlet off and flails around on top of Josh like a desperate fish gasping for water—that's the kind of human perfection you'd... rather listen to. In this one, we hold the world's most naked high school wrestling meet, Josh throws shade at a tint grifter, Tapan can't enjoy kids anymore, and Mike has a real hard time not...2020-01-3100 minInstead OfNothing Devil RelatedHiding in the nooks and crannies of this episode, should you possess the insight to perceive them, are a curious collection of clues that will lead you inexorably down a path which you do not want to follow, but which you, nevertheless, cannot, despite your better judgment, resist. Naptown. Fargo. Spokane. Raw melons. Cosmic crisp. Blood in the ice cream. The single dead bee. How does it all connect? Who knows; in the rest of the episode, Mike and Tapan put their melons together to learn about melon sex, Josh has suspiciously strong opinions about apples, and it all...2020-01-2400 minInstead OfCandle for CandleYou know how when you’re in a relationship, you let minor aggravations pile up and pile up and you don’t say anything and you try not to think about it and you keep watching, silent, as that pile grows and grows until, one day, the weight of all those old, unspoken resentments is just too much and you try to use your words, you really try, but when you go looking you can’t seem to find them and before you know it you’re dropping mound after mound of self-righteous turd under your life partner’s couch? Doe...2020-01-1700 minInstead OfHis Gaze Is Directed Where the Pillow RestsLots of podcasts out there talk a big game about loving their listeners, but how many of them are in love with their listeners? Here at Instead Of, we love you deeply, which is why all 250 of you should consider this your formal invitation. To what, you ask? Why, have you ever wanted to hit another person with no consequences? Have you ever wanted to soar, bird-like, through the rafters of a high school gym? Have you ever heard late 2000s dubstep? Experience these three entertainment options, along with two other options, at the first annual Tapan and Mike’s...2020-01-1000 minInstead OfBring Your DirtHey friend, you look tired. Take this pamphlet and come on down to Tapan’s Sleep Farm, where everything’s 100% above board. You know that big old abandoned warehouse down by the highway? Now it’s Tapan’s Sleep Farm, a totally normal warehouse full of beds where there’s never been a mass suicide. Here at Tapan’s Sleep Farm, our chloroform is medical grade and all our clients rave about how normal our business is. Tapan’s Sleep Farm: Like Tea, but for Sleep. Later on, Josh platformsplains Crash Bandicoot, Tapan sucks the soul out of the sink, and the...2020-01-0300 minInstead OfThe ForgotpotChanel. Dior. Versace. Harrison. Coming this fall from the legendary house that brought you that moon boot trend like 20 years ago, a sexy new line of charcoal chinos so forbidden you'll have to finish yourself off in the corner of the dressing room... and you haven't even tried them on yet. Harrison Chinos: Be Bad, Too™. Anyway, in this one your hosts take you on a tour of the world’s shared culinary heritage at our new themed restaurant (start salivating, Ricky Ricardo fans!), Mike commits tiny genocide with a big new weapon, and Tapan, the largest boy we know...2019-12-2700 minInstead OfMustache SweatsHave you ever woken up from a nap with lasagna on your shirt and when you look out the window you see a bunch of chill-looking attractive people across the street hanging out and having a great time? With Tapan, Mike, and Josh's Certified Rager Total Party Solution™, you don't *need* to be invited. As cool guys ourselves, we combined all the sickest elements of the dopest ragers we've ever been to in our proprietary CRPTS Party Matrix™—from multicolored waves of pulsing light to free mushrooms. The result is a perfect party, every time. With Certified Rager™, don't watch yo...2019-12-2000 minInstead OfThe UnidunkWe'll be Frank: Like our TV forefathers of old, this week we find ourselves performing several feats of mid-December strength. But far be it from us to impose our godless Festivusian ideals on your non-specific holiday cheer; we're just here to save folks from car fires we started and dunk on conventional unicycles. Later on, Josh puts the AY! AY! in YEA/NAY, Tapan makes an innovative-ass business plan, and Mike introduces our most attractive new character in years.Pairings: cool cops who smoke; a panic lever; balsa vibes2019-12-1300 minInstead OfThe Invisible Leading the Blind😘As you’ll see in this one, a Josh-less podcast is a lot like a sexless marriage. Josh is spending “time” with his “family” this Thanksgiving, but longtime couple Mike and Tapan are here to sit in bed and bicker about Tapan’s new mustache. That’s right, Tapan’s got a Dali/Chaplin thing going on, and boy can we see how pretty his mouth is now. Later on, we bicker about the woodsmanship of Tapan’s new chairs, we Invisi-Grift™ our way into great seats, and we’re Lovin’ the all-new flavor combinations over at Trees’ Vegetable Restaurant...2019-12-0600 minInstead OfGrumpy Old Irishmen 2069Well, folks, it might finally be time to pack the ol' podcast in. Call 'er quits. Drop the bologna curtain, as they say. Now, before you start seeing red, hear us out—we pull quite a Fonzie this week, and not in the cute-older-Henry-Winkler-renaissance-we're-all-enjoying sense. We jump over so many god damn sharks in this one, you won't believe your perfect robotic eyes. Later on, Tapan's the hippest hemp-cat this side of the street, Josh throws it back to the Matthau era, and Mike pilots his metacopter to new heights.Pairings: pencil thin eyebrows; porous borders; hands fo...2019-11-2900 minInstead OfCrying FrameEverybody knows how into wedding planning we are on this show. We talk about it *all the time*. If you, Dear Listener, have the great fortune of being invited to one of our many future weddings, you already know that you're in for some very small bears and some very large monkeys. But what happens next? After our dream weddings, what will we possibly have to look forward to? Well, folks, this week our biggest day is finally here. Our families dressed up, all our friends flew in special, and everyone's gathered here today to remember the lives we...2019-11-2200 minInstead OfBrokering BadLast week, we brought you part one of the harrowing true story of clock.com. This week, Tapan accidentally harrows a stranger at Target. We've been doing a lot of harrowing lately. Also this week is the harrowing real-life conclusion to the true story of clock.com, featuring a voicemail from the consiglieri of the Timex mafia family. If you've got the time, Tapan's mom could use it this week, when she wrongcoasts the right way. Later on, Mike helps Josh have fun with drugs, Tapan mentors a cat, and we kayak off into the great blue yonder, where...2019-11-1500 minInstead OfA Backpack Full of GruelIf there's one thing we here at Instead Of HQ believe in, it's the incredible power of education to transform the lives of Canada's youth. That's why we strive each and every week to pack our edu-sodes with all the facts, knowledge, and spoiler-free Survivor trivia your tiny brain can handle. And now we're testing your knowledge with the first-ever, single-question Instead Of pop quiz! This one's for all the roving:1. What kind of "guy" isn't Josh?A. A "wrist game" guyB. A "memorabilia" guyC. An "exercise" guyD. A "pain...2019-11-0800 minInstead OfCorn PoolsCorn in all of its forms is a blessing unto this earth, but as we discover this week, corn in pool form is perhaps the grain’s ultimate application. Join your three cornoissuers this week as we dive deep into corn lore, uncovering the noble cornosaurs of old for the first time. Along the way, Josh pursues trivial trivia trivially, Mike chokes on the very corn that got him here, and Tapan comes... to win.Pairings: Same of Thrones; anxiety clay; free speakers!2019-11-0100 minInstead OfSuper BrothHere at Instead Of HQ, we like to say that you can't spell "trust" without "us," but you also can't spell "trust" without "rust," and, folks... it's been a while. No matter how much we all love communism, sometimes trusting our comrades takes practice. That's why we're inviting you to enter our innermost circles, where you'll find Josh and Tapan happily broadcasting their location data and Mike caught in Schrodinger's Loop. Elsewhere, Josh totally scares everybody a bunch of times, Mike creates the world's most bewildering strip club, and Tapan discovers the Eightfold Path of the Instant Pot (turns...2019-10-2500 minInstead OfMike and Josh's World ToursSup, friend, from the flesh of the apple, and we here at the Five Star Apple Fest shall permit you entry. Drink of the apple's blood, and you shall join us as heralds of a grand new apple future, where societies the world round will kneel in reverence of the majestic apple and its awesome power. Tarry not! Suck from the teat of the apple juice blaster cannon and enter a red, delicious new world! Other stuff going on in this one: the Josh Harrison World Tour: Josh Harrison: Josh of All Trades, hot drinks at seven, and a...2019-10-1100 minInstead OfThe Ernie Sanders ShowWhen one of our co-hosts gets lost in a metaphorical forest of debt, we here at Instead Of simply move on and replace him with a cat. Without further ado, everyone, meet Ernie! Ernie's here to do all the normal Josh things you know and love: have red hair, scratch his litterbox, and weigh in with heady opinions on topics like: why cats should be plumbers, the ever-growing wealth gap, and how to make your body jelly. Later on, we team up to body check Tapan's Canadian shame, Tapan is drawn like a moth to a unisex haircut, and...2019-10-0400 minInstead OfThe Birds and the FishHere at Big Josh’s Human Zoo, we’ve got everything your family needs: bags of milk, Jimmy Buffett traps, cases upon cases of cool, refreshing Colk, and prices so low you’ll puke. This week we’ve got a special on Josh’s identity—buy now for 13 weeks of bliss! Later on, Tapan brings balance to the farce, Mike rivals Brendan Fraser at acting, and Josh becomes one with the elephants, or whatever. *Pairings: body confidence; a tainted couch; sugarberries*2019-09-2600 minInstead OfNational Crime ShowTune in this week for the exciting conclusion to *Tapan's Moving Part I*, *Tapan's Moving Part II: Sconce Edition*. You'll hear all about his new walls, his new ceilings, his new floors, and his pretty new china. That's right—Tapan has more than one plate, and we're here to celebrate. Boy, do we lower the boom. Josh brings a weird energy to the party when he rubs you in four dimensions, Mike's mom calls in, Tapan picks up a Sambuca habit. Tbh it's kind of a rager up in E117. Be careful in there. Whatever you do, don't use th...2019-09-2000 minInstead OfFriday the 13th: Reave Another DayINT. MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHTJOSH and MIKE sit in folding chairs while TAPAN reclines on the bed, forming an equilateral triangle. They're talking into microphones.TAPANYou want to MARRY the rhino!?JOSHLook, I just want to be remembered.TAPANRemembered? As the guy who saddled up and rode his bride to the altar?There's a loud BANG of crashing furniture from outside the room. TAPAN keeps talking.MIKEGuys, hold on. Do you hear that?TAPANWas...2019-09-1300 minInstead OfSpanish ToastMatrimony: life's greatest thrill. Much like a rollercoaster, marriage has its ups and downs, which is a terrible thing to say if you're toasting at a wedding. And if there's one thing you'd think we here at Instead Of are qualified to do, it's toast at weddings. Fear not! Much like pretending we grew up speaking Spanish, we can fake almost anything. Listen in as we toast the various merits of virtual strangers who portioned off some love for their new partners. Later on, Josh somehow fails to have two PS4s, Tapan sniffs out a lie-lingual, and Mike...2019-09-0600 minInstead OfHose CodeHere at Instead Of HQ, we take a lot of things for granted. The beautiful sound of a toilet refilling after a strong flush falls on six deaf ears. We don't give our dishwashers nearly enough credit. We stroll through our bird-free parking garages blissfully unaware. So when our toilets no longer flush, when our dishwashers reach capacity, when our parking garages are overrun by bloodthirsty packs of birds, we're toast. We're done for. We can't cope, and we need help. That's where you come in! Listen this week, and you'll find Josh talking himself into a corner with...2019-08-3000 minInstead OfI Could Go by JafsaIn this great drama we call life, every moment is a scene, each passerby a new character, every massage parlor next to a vacant lot... a stage. Join us, Dear Listener, on a sordid romp through America's least relaxing spa, and along the way, you'll see Mike making terrible choices with his underwear, Tapan suffering through a stranger's thumbs in his eyeballs, and hot, hot stones blistering the skin of their very spines. After that, Josh stands five feet in front of a boat horn. Fin.
Pairings: a cruise, but with cocktails; Tarantino sledge hammers; Noneya's business...2019-08-2300 minInstead OfThe Whales of LandThere's something inherently satisfying about the number three—the rule of thirds in photography, the rule of three in writing. ...See? Two isn't enough of anything. Especially podcast hosts. Folks, we're breaking all the rules this week, 'cause Josh ain't our huckleberry and we're weaning ourselves right off the rails he traditionally keeps us on. That's right, it's just Tapan and Mike coming at you raw and unfiltered this time, and boy will you miss your straight man. We wean in and bing all kinds of shit in this one, including: can whales commit crimes?; ohio face examples; josh ha...2019-08-1600 minInstead OfA Cheeky WhistleIn this one, Josh invents a new kind of déjà vu that happens when you go on a spontaneous one-person trip to visit a really beautiful part of the country you've never seen before, but when you get there it turns out you've already been to Minneapolis-St. Paul. We call it déjà whoops. Like explorers traversing the famous glaciers of New England, in this week's episode we poke our way around the many deep crevasses in Josh's geographic knowledge. If you take a look to your left, you'll see Mike supping vaingloriously with the bards and luminaries of K...2019-08-0900 minInstead OfTwo and a Half Foot PepperoniThe number one rule of going on a classic guys’ weekend is that the guys’ weekend in question may only be referred to in the vaguest of terms. You see, on a guys’ weekend, a bunch of guys get up to an amount of stuff, and all that really happens is we come home in the end affected by the experience in one way or another; in other words, definitely no evil master plans to kill all the birds in America and also smuggle drugs happen at classic guys’ weekends. That would be way too specific and an obvious violatio...2019-08-0300 minInstead OfRecently Acquainted with RageHere at Russian Long-Term, we pride ourselves on scaring you deeply. Whether it's our never-ending labyrinth of hallways, our dead-eyed customer service, or the creeping dread that follows you everywhere you go, it's our mission to make you feel like you're in a real David Lynch movie and can never escape. While you're here, you’ll enjoy a range of middling entertainment options, including: Mike leaving the "key" in "whiskey" in a stranger's car; Josh swordfighting with fluorescent lightbulbs, and Tapan's mom totally crushing everyone else.
Pairings: Aviators and attitude; money, so people li...2019-06-2700 minInstead OfThe Big TWe have a little saying around the Instead Of offices, and it goes something like this: "An ounce of butt-hurt prevention is worth a pound of butt-hurt cure." We're always saying that, and you know why? Because it's true. When it comes to protecting your butt, we here at Instead Of HQ take a back seat. In a good way! Whether Josh is going straight for our bottoms with his hand, or someone is throwing ice cream at our bottoms, or we smash our bottoms on sharp objects, we always give our bottoms top priority. That's why...2019-06-1300 minInstead OfLike a PompeiiIf you could go back and evacuate Pompeii before Mount Vesuvius buried it in thousands of tons of molten rock and ash... would you? If so, we'd appreciate it if you could look around for the remnants of the first episode we recorded this week—an episode, much like Pompeii, now lost to history. Never fear! Like three phoenixes who are also friends, your hosts rise from the ashes of Episode 102a and get down to some serious science business in Episode 102b, in which: we combine ducks and electromagnets to get... ducks with electromagnets on them; Tapan, much li...2019-06-0600 minInstead OfThe Screaming ApostropheThis week, on "Grime & Gruft: New Orleans," Josh finds his new elevator family in Southern Eastern America, Mike plays God's manager, and Tapan, much like his spirit Pokemon Metapod, hardens his thick outer shell. Stay tuned through the end of the episode for some bonus lagniappe content!
Pairings: a threatening toothbrush; your back, but with a spike on it; legs, previously2019-05-3100 minInstead OfThe Electoral College of TVWe’re makin’ the dunes safe for you and me,
From the former beach to the former sea,
We’re the Sand Patrol and we’re here to say,
Follow the rules and it’ll be okay!
No one’s gonna get purged tonight,
The Tremors worms won’t eat you.
The Sand Patrol will keep you safe,
And, Hell, we’ll even greet you!
That’s right, in this one we make a show where it’s lifeguards but for sand. Later on, Josh starts a brawl in a pizzeria, Mike intro...2019-05-1700 minInstead OfEvery Human Has 14 Bones“Well, Lloyd, another big night at the poker table,” Josh said, taking his seat at the empty bar. He closed his eyes, rested his forehead in his palm. How long had it been?
“Did you come out ahead, sir?” said Lloyd, polishing a glass.
“Don’t I always,” said Josh, a wry smirk peeling his lips. He sipped the drink Lloyd put in front of him.
“Indeed, sir,” said Lloyd.
“You know, Lloyd, something’s been on my mind lately.” He looked at Lloyd with a glint in his eye. “I keep coming here, to the b...2019-05-1400 min
Instead OfNoun of NounsLike most podcasts, we here at Instead Of trade in vulnerability. From singing very embarrassing songs to falling out of chairs on our butts to confronting our biases, we expose our soft, round bellies to you in this one. Along the way, Josh gets an ego boost from notorious braggart James Lipton, Mike screams his way to seventh place, and Tapan crams it for a whole hour.
Pairings: a barrelful of priceless DVDs; sick lightsaber moves; more pills, damnit!
Click here to fill out Josh's silly survey. Two questions, less than sixty seconds of your...2019-04-1900 min
Instead OfIn Your Face, ThoughIn this one, Josh KICKS TAPAN IN THE DICK, Tapan PUNCHES MIKE REALLY HARD, we all SLAP EACH OTHER'S FACES and SAY MEAN THINGS, Josh and Tapan HIT MIKE WITH CHAIRS, Josh gets SLAMMED INTO A TABLE, we JUMP OFF CAGES ONTO EACH OTHER'S STOMACHS, Mike PUSHES JOSH OVER VERY AGGRESSIVELY, Tapan PULLS HIS OWN HAIR, and we finally BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH WITH LADDERS. Welcome to our wrestling episode! In this one, we get to the bottom of why all these folks are so mad at each other. Later on, Josh is haunted by the penultimate Schadenfreude...2019-04-1200 min
Instead OfRampage of Rex CharliesonWelcome back to Hypertheticals, the long-tail podcast where three biologists don't get each other's jokes. We're doing all your favorite segments this week: Bozos in Charges, Finding Nemo Chat, and the ever-popular Butt Hacks. Just kidding! It's Instead Of here, doing one of those classic early April goofs. We recorded this one on April 1st, and boy did we get got. Additionally, Tapan cultivates a Danish aesthetic in his party area, Mike meets an ancient Spartan, and Josh has the hardest butt in podcasting.
Pairings: words; swords; Jerry Stiller2019-04-0500 min
Instead OfWall of FireYou might have felt magic the first time you looked into your partner's eyes. Perhaps you've witnessed one of David Blaine's many street miracles. Maybe you're god. In any case, real-life magic is hard to come by. There are a few guaranteed places to find it, though: on the Game of Thrones planet, in select David Blaine episodes, and at Mike Bogart's Magic Store. Here at Mike Bogart's Magic Store, 5% of our loot chests contain bona fide magic, but the real trick's on you! Also in this episode, Josh takes to Reddit to finally reveal which religion is right...2019-03-2100 min
Instead OfThe Rules of the RobeDanger: life's thrillingest sensation. When we're in danger here at Instead Of HQ, our bodies get all excited. You know the feeling—that's the thing, everyone knows the thrill of midlevel danger. Some of your hosts even seek it, whether by somersaulting through the back alleys in gangs of thieving, tumbling toddler tinmen, or by CALLING THE ROBOTS BACK. That's right—we take on robocalling in this one, and boy do we miss our social security numbers. Later on, Josh follows through on a promise, Mike feels the influence of motorcycles, and Tapan #motivationhacks the sickest planning and prioritization meet...2019-03-1500 min
Instead OfA Crisp High FiveWhen it comes to solving your day-to-day business problems, everybody knows that consultants have all the answers. Here at the firm of Jani Harrison Bogart, we consult on all sorts of crap, including: pizza, and how to sell it for less than you paid, fundamentally altering the pillars of American democracy, how to find the one person at work it's okay to touch, and more. Also in this episode, we slam a big stack of burgers, spit on each other, and come face-to-face with LORD DUMP ANT.
Pairings: a steak and a cake; mainlining a webinar; at...2019-03-0100 min
Instead OfThe Pod SquadMan, this is one of those classic 'sodes where all we do is vamp and gab. Tapan Krangs Mike around for awhile, we each give each other a good Hegsething, and we even climax in Apex. Later on, Tapan treats us to a savvy Super Saiyan sidebar, Mike baywatches some Aussie hunks, and Josh, well... Josh compromises the paper layer.
Pairings: l33t crane hackz; a shorter cat commute; a Dakota (to boot)2019-02-2200 min
Instead OfThis Isn't Frank's House?If there's one thing we pride ourselves on here at Instead Of, it's staying current with the coolest fads and the trending hashtags out there, which is why—you guessed it—this episode is Bundy-adjacent. That's right: we saw the show, too, and boy are we gonna talk about it. Later on, Tapan puts his cup down, flips it, and reverses it, Mike gets even with Brian Urlacher, and Josh explains why Coolio is still cool enough to hang out with kids.
Pairings: The phone of a ninja; the confidence of a cool teen; a heart worth taki...2019-02-0700 min
Instead OfWhatever You Do, Do Not Hit That Old ManSometimes the best moments in life are the ones that catch you by surprise. You know, like when you show up to do your normal weekly podcast and are confronted by a masked hellbeast with nice hair. That’s right, we welcome our first guest this week, and you’ll never, ever guess who it is, no matter how many questions you ask. Tune in to this one and you’ll get to hear our mystery guest class the place up a bit with topics like: the guystander effect, Josh’s incessant waffle-related boasting, clothes you can smoke, dying soon, an...2019-01-3100 min
Instead OfHis Name Was AndyEach moment, the bonds that tie us together through space and time weave together anew, continually updating and adding to the immense, interconnected tapestry of experience that shows us what it means to be human. These singular moments of connection--smiling at your neighborhood optometrist, sharing in the delight of the latest Andy Yankovic number, the chance discovery of a cool dead bird--often go on to inform the courses of our lives, the contents of our characters. That'll explain a lot about your hosts this week, during which: Josh unearths his deep childhood love for Andy Yankovic, Tapan hits pause...2019-01-2400 min
Instead OfTributeSelf-help books will tell you that all the big successes in life are built on a mountain of failures. Similarly, Tenacious D will tell you that sometimes the tribute to the great podcast episode you did that no one heard because someone neglected to record their third is just as good as that original great episode. That's what we're banking on in this one, in which: Mike beefs it hard, Tapan reads a book in aggregate, Josh entices thirsty sloths, and we cook up a big old batch of Mango Everything.
Pairings: kneepads; a choice LP; playlist...2019-01-1800 min
Instead OfPaternal Human FatherIn the movies, it's really great when you come home after a long time away. Maybe you're a soldier, and your dog is really excited to see you. Maybe you've been traveling for work, and your partner has made you a romantic meal. Movies are great, aren't they? When you return to a podcast after a break, it turns out all you get is homework and whale shit. That's right—Mike and Josh recombine with Tapan this week, and we're digging fingers-first into important topics like: confidence and freedom vis a vis the nose palate, the relative merits of tr...2019-01-1000 min
Instead OfAn Apologetic Word to Your MotherHello, my name is Tapan. I'm a podcast host, a man about town, and this week, I'm your only friend. That's right, it's just you and me now. Isn't this nice? We have so much fun together. Remember that time we talked about salt? Those were the days. Remember Josh and Mike and how stupid and ugly they are? This is much better. Yes. We're having fun.
Pairings: FIFA withdrawals; the nicest mom ever; the dismembered corpses of your friends2019-01-0400 min
Instead OfA Galaxy of FlavorWhen we say we're going to do something on this show, we poop and poop and poop until that thing is done. In that vein, we follow through in this one, which means a whole lot of secondhand Pepto for you and a whole lot of firsthand diarrhea for us. On the menu this week, we're featuring a blood-axed ketchup and dogshit sandwich, a pizza made of several seasonal varieties of ass, and a classic murder combo: fish and sausage. Despite the fact that we eat a bunch of garbage, this is a deceptively sexy episode, in which: tapan...2018-12-2800 min
Instead OfI Will Eat It!Back home in Rotterdam, they say that the touch of Mother Luck is fickle. But here at Instead Of, we like to sit around the podcasting table, suck on some opals, and make our own luck. Unfortunately for everybody, we're much better at making luck than we are at making food. That's right, it's another classic foodie episode, and we're whipping up some hot streaks in this one: Josh flushes his way to the top, Tapan is desirable to a specific number of strangers, Mike eats a volcano, and in the end, we all lose, but damnit, we lose...2018-12-2000 min
Instead OfComing Full CircleWhen it comes to knowing what jurisprudence is, your hosts are like a Monet: pretty fuzzy. This week, show badboy Josh is in trouble with the law again, and unfortunately for him, we're barely lawyers. While Josh r's in the c for b'in' and e'in', Mike gets seduced by MSRPs, Tapan upgrades his clem-intake, and we all come together to paint some circles.
Pairings: a nice, warm tummy bladder; Galactic Dirt Doritos; bookends
SHOW NOTES
A terrible porno
Better than Greg Ravioli
The best deal in town
Traditionally a women's...2018-12-1300 min
Instead OfTen Dicks I SeeWe’re sorry, everybody, but this ‘sode got pretty heavy into wieners. We’re not sure how; they just sort of crept up on us. Maybe it was one of those great cosmic coincidences where the universe is trying to tell us something about penises—you’ll have to ask Josh (he’s been to NASA). Amidst all the chat about different animals’ dicks, we drill down on some penetrating topics, including: Josh, and the bland corpse he will one day leave behind; Tapan, matchmaker to sexless felines; and Mike, who dissolves into a bag of goo live on the air.
2018-12-0600 min
Instead Of'Tisn't It Gigantic?When it comes to procuring maternal love, your hosts are downright experts. As seasoned sons, we're battling it out in the filial trenches every day, grinding those approval numbers, forecasting birthdays, remembering to call. In other words, earning our percentage. Tune in this week to learn how you can achieve the amount of love you deserve when your senior citizen parents welcome more competition into the fold. Later on, we learn a lot about our moms, Josh brushes up on his arm action, Tapan greases a palm or two, and Mike moves into a shitty old underground cave.
2018-11-3000 min
Instead OfA Line Drawing of a SpanielThis episode comes out on American Thanksgiving, a time of year when we gather with family and friends to feast, appreciate each other, and, with a little luck, listen to our favorite podcast hosts. Let us kick off the festivities by saying: You’re quite welcome. Among the many things we here at Instead Of are thankful for this year, the biggest one is definitely pee. We talk about it for hours and hours, and this episode’s no different. We also touch strangers on the elbow, install sprinklers in our pants, kill a dog, and finally get to the...2018-11-2200 min
Instead OfOn the Subject of RomanceYou're a short one, #73, but doggone it, you're just such a good one. On this, our 29 minute anniversary, I need to tell you, #73. I got it bad for you. There you are, all sexy with your irreverent segments and your cute little music cues, and then there's me, quietly listening, occasionally chuckling. Don't make me wait, #73. You know I want to hear allllll about Josh's fetish for Pez shafts. Don't hold back. Show me the way Tapan wiggles his fingers. What was that? Did you say that Mike subpoenas someone? Oh, #73. You're bad ;)
Pairings: a dedicated Swede...2018-11-1500 min
Instead OfAnxiety Loves CompanyHere’s a quick test to determine how well you’ll relate to this episode: Imagine you’ve just peed inside your own pants. In public. And they’re khakis. Now, do you... A. Laugh, B. Cry, C. Insist you heard that peeing in your pants is cool now, or D. Shrivel into a shamehusk until you blink out of existence. If you answered D, you’re in for a treat! We confront our teenage anxieties in this one, and along the way we share some downright frightening laughs, get choked by the neck a bit, pull a few teeth, and...2018-11-0800 min
Instead OfStinkbugs from AboveAvoiding stink is one of life's great challenges. From our soup factories to our hot bars to the folds of our very jeans, everything smells bad, almost all the time. Join us this week for a special Instead Of: Stink Hunters edition, in which: Josh handles his god damn business, Tapan beats chemistry within a nanometer of its life, and Mike has just had enough.
Pairings: stink-to-it-iveness; intimate knowledge of your closest friends; a nice cat2018-11-0100 min
Instead OfA Star Is CornThey say the scariest thing about corn is how unhealthy it is to put in your body, so during the month of Spooktober, we here at Instead Of don’t just eat corn. We also drink corn, walk among corn, and in this one, corn spooks us to our respective cobs. So turn up your fog machines, fill those mystery bowls with some corn, and settle in for a terrifying episode, in which: Josh joins a moisture-based fetish club, Mike gets a grip on his priorities, and Tapan’s just trying to share his sunshine.
Pairings: a nice...2018-10-1100 min
Instead OfMarquee Lark and the Funky BunchLike Gilgamesh and Luke Skywalker before us, we return home from our journeys in this one, and you better believe we brought a zesty elixir back with us. That's right, everyone: Mike is back this week, and we're filling a whole snacksack with something spicy to celebrate. This episode's festivities include, but are not limited to: Tapan taking his cruise-dad attitude to the streets, Mike making a powerfully coiffed enemy, and Josh, half in the bag, muling his way to a brilliant business idea.
Pairings: cheek nuts; stackable surnames; nimble fingers
SHOW NOTES
Much...2018-09-2000 min
Instead OfA Note About NotesDays like today make you question what's truly real in the world around us. When someone yells for aid and you rush over, how foolish would you feel to find out they're only looking for 'ade, because they need to quench their thirst with a sugary lemony beverage on one of the final hot days of summer? Josh and Tapan face off in their final friendship-off before Mike's triumphant return from across the pond. We discuss the merits of using every nasty feature of your phone and getting your money's worth from a sandwich shop. To top it off...2018-09-1700 min
Instead OfPouch PotatoHave you heard the news today? Have you truly thought about who might have reported that news, or how it might have been viciously twisted into something barely resembling news when they’re done with it? Today you can call us Rottweilers, because we’re chewing up some stories and spitting them out, poor mangled husks of what they once were. Tapan consults the middle of Josh’s Venn diagram of fashion and internet savviness, Josh challenges Tapan’s patience, and Mike’s international reporting continues.
Pairings: seventeen championship belts; European toilet etiquette; 47.9% of a footlong sub
SHOW...2018-09-0700 min
Instead OfWarren PizzaHundreds of years ago, sending a loved one across the Atlantic Ocean often meant you said goodbye to them for good. Since then, we've come a long way as a society with a penchant for technological progress. International correspondence being what it is today, you'd think Instead Of would be able to roll with the punches, but our favorite Bogart may as well be on the moon this week, because he's turned in the first excused absence slip this show has ever seen. Josh and Tapan are your only tour guides on this wild ride through the countryside, pointing...2018-08-3100 min
Instead OfWhite Bird Singing in the Dead of RitesThere comes a time in every parent's life when their bundle of joy leaves the nest to fare for themselves. In this analogy, Tapan and Josh are the parents, and their fledgling Mike has flown the coop after recording this episode to mingle with the exotic fauna of Europe. This leaves the former goons to fend for themselves, which includes totally wingin' this description. In this episode, we get a look into Tapan's newfound interest in astrology, Josh's experience with zoo soundtracks, and Mike's childlike wonder about the art of magic.
Pairings: Postpartum antidepressants; cutting edge TV...2018-08-2700 min
Instead OfSorry, Part II ReturnsThe badboys of podcast obscurity are back for part two, and boy do we have a lot of pizza to catch you up on. Here at Instead Of, pizza is our bread and butter, but in this episode, it’s also our cake and our raison d'être. We chew very slowly in this one, savoring every bite of topics such as where cake belongs, algorithm-based destiny, and various breads, including banana. Along the way, Josh meets a friendly bus, mike narrowly avoids scarendipity, and Tapan asks the question on all our minds: “comment j’ai deltaplane?”
Pairings...2018-08-1600 min
Instead OfWhen Pigsnakes FlyAs scientists, we think that mashing two animals together into one super animal is a pretty good idea. As ethicists, we... do our best. In this one, we mash science and ethics up, and, sure, we steal some stuff along the way, but in the end, we'll all be chewing on delicious flavor-blasted snakebacon, and that's what really counts. Meanwhile, Josh heroically saves a human life, Mike nearly ends one, and Tapan solves the age-old problem of having armpits.
Pairings: pulleys in your pants; a custom car alarm; a sensitive tongue
SHOW NOTES
Josh's...2018-08-0900 min
Instead OfWishbone Thugs N Rooftop HarmonyRaise your hand if you've ever gotten a haircut. Pretty familiar and relatable, right? Well what if we told you that each time you get a haircut, you morph a little bit—on the outside and the inside. In fact, everything you see and touch and put in your mouth every day has morphed before and will morph again, including you. Especially you. In this episode, we explore the mighty morphin' world around us, which includes: Josh morphing himself up some personal leg boats, Tapan's recipe for morphed chips and salsa, and Mike morphing it up in the streets....2018-07-2600 min
Instead OfThe New Old Testament: Part IBlood. What would we do without it? Not much, it turns out. Blood keeps our bodies running nice and hot, it fills our engorged muscles, and it provides us our many boners. In fact, you might say that blood gives the whole world a boner. But how does blood work, and what is it? In this episode, your hosts, one of whom is technically a scientist, go hemo-globetrotting around the high pressure world of blood, asking in-cyte-ful questions like: Can you die if your blood is too hot? How do you get new blood? Can blood be in your...2018-06-1400 min
Instead OfWheel Talk: We're 50Before you listen to this one, we have a checklist for you to complete: 1. Sit down; 2. Relax; 3. Drop some acid; 4. Eat hard candies; 5. Keep relaxing, everything's fine; 6. Become a spider; 7. STOP RELAXING. Did you do it? Are you scared now? Okay, then here we go: This week's episode stars Josh, who creeps the shit out of everybody at the grocery store, Tapan, who gets twice as ripped as a human being ever could, and Mike, who gets his mogul ass whooped.
Pairings: A bona fide extraterrestrial stunt driver; business acumen; a jet black heart
SHOW...2018-06-0700 min
Instead OfA Coalition of DuncesIn sane times, Josh feigns crimes;
in strained rhymes, he pain-dines
on primetime slime: pasta fagioli.
Ghouls wanna be him, but can he swim?
His cookie skim 'bout to send him to prison,
so tune in, ladies and gentlemen,
The Jesus of Cola has risen.
Meanwhile, we make coke, glue stuff to our cars, and rob a bunch of children.
Pairings: nerves of steel and a giant appetite; scruples; not being Josh's friend on the internet
SHOW NOTES
Can't stop, won't stop
#5
World famous
The worst...2018-05-1600 min
Instead OfChocolate TrainThe turducken, popularized by legendary TV carnivore John Madden, is a favorite holiday tradition over at Instead Of HQ. Here's how it works: you take a chicken, the smallest of the fowl, and you ram it into a duck, the second biggest one, then you ram that whole package into a turkey, famously the most receptive of the game birds. Then, we're guessing, you ram the whole thing down your gullet. In this week's episode, Josh rams his turducken of vehicles straight to the ocean floor, while Tapan channels Wilhelm Wonka by sharing his Swiss chocolate, and Mike finally...2018-04-1900 min
Instead OfRomantic Mergers & AcquisitionsSpring, as is so often said, is the season of rebirth, of new love. It's sunny again, plants are bangin', animals are going to town on each other. The stink of love is in the air, and we here at Instead Of HQ are your trusty SARS mask. To that end, we spend a lot of this episode matchmaking: we weave the tragic tale of star-crossed lovers from opposite ends of our contact lists, Josh gets fresh with Malcolm Gladwell, and we invent a service to help overly friendly gamers creep each other out, probably.
Pairings: a...2018-03-2100 min
Instead OfWear the Sidewalk TrendsThere comes a point in every podcast host's life when we must each ask ourselves: What is my price? How much does the one human soul I get... cost? It's something to chew on as you listen to this one, in which Tapan shamelessly panders to you, buying and selling your love like so many pocket combs, while Mike and Josh spend their pod money like normal people: on their ears and bladders. Later, Josh falls down too much, Mike lives vicariously through hobbyist magazines, and Tapan, well, Tapan sucks a piece of cheese right off a fork.
2018-03-1200 min
Instead OfShoeston, We Have a WobblemIn this, the 30th installment in our series, we bring to you, Dear Listener, timeless stories: stories of loss, of redemption, of striving for perfection in an imperfect world; the types of stories that are woven into the fabric of our very lives, the songs etched onto our bones... and in so doing, we reveal some meager slice, some obstructed view, of the essential nature of humanity. Then Josh gets these bitchin' rocket skates and Tapan pulls a sick wheelie and Mike gets pregnant at laser tag.
Pairings: a silky Johnny; a 300-outlet surge protector; one weightlifting...2018-01-1700 min
Instead OfFirst Annual Instead Of Gift SiftJingle Bells, Tapan yells, takes us down a peg, the temp of veal makes Mike squeal and Josh is a dunk tank, hey! That’s right, folks, it’s time for our first Instead Of holiday special. Also, Tapan gives new meaning to the phrase “like father, like son,” Josh gets his comeuppance, and Mike shuts the fuck up.
Pairings: an adorable puppy with a big red bow on it; Weird Al’s virtuoso accordion classic “Angry White Boy Polka;” some sort of penis cloth
Brought to you by Kepler, the cutest dog on Instagram: @kepseattle...2017-12-2000 min
Instead OfKona Is SorbaeSpecial shout-out to all our Mandela Effect fans—we really bump it up in this week’s timestream! Tapan goes on a one-dog adventure in a seven-horse town, Josh is definitely way smarter than Adam Sandler, and Mike is literally the only person who gets to have a cliffhanger in the post-credits sting (stick around, they’re great).
Pairings: a pair of righteous danglers; Pepto Bismol (please send it c/o Josh); seriously, all you need is a potato
SHOW NOTES
How to make a potato battery
The flyest dog that ever was
Undercovertaker
Are yo...2017-10-2500 min
Instead OfCrashablanca: The Fall of MasculinityAs the old saying goes, it’s not how many times you fall down that counts, it’s how many times in a row. We’re up to some classic highjinks in this one: Tapan’s on his geisha grind, Josh pulls a great prank and we all laugh, Mike tells a non sequitur about clowns, and we learn just what the heck Black Sabbath was talking about all this time.
Pairings: Heaven and Hell; an infrared jammer; some gum I guess?
SHOW NOTES
The worst Pokémon’s food
Cultural zeitgeist
You shouldn’t know who’s...2017-10-1800 min
Instead OfNow Enjoy Some Wieners (Talking)This is one of those episodes where we give away some really choice IP for free, so come take a bath with us this week! Josh tells a fucking fascinating story about elevators, Tapan accidentally becomes The Bachelor in real life, and Mike gives the world’s least knowledgeable TED Talk. Oh, and we basically do a table read for Click 2.
Pairings: human dignity; an acid guy; more time
SHOW NOTES
Tapan steals a joke
Money tigers
Josh noticed before he noticed
Garbage
Ain't that some Daebyun
The largest lake in South America
Make it...2017-10-0500 min
Instead OfThe Bubble with GrandmaWell, folks, it’s hot out there this week, and we're hosing each other down like so many elephants in the circus of life. When they make this one into a movie, Josh’ll be played by Harrison Ford, the irony of which is almost as delicious as Tapan’s new signature dish: (and we quote) “handheld... omelette... hash.” We’ll let that concept germinate for a moment. Meanwhile, Mike imagines a future in which we grow vegetables for later consumption, and we all take a lovely trip to Josh’s grandma-themed mind palace.
Pairings: 100% more mozz stick; a whirl...2017-09-2700 min
Instead OfRemember Part I?Autumn's almost here, and you know what that means: it's rutting season in this one. Josh fathers a freshman class, Mike begets a sports league, and Tapan, well, Tapan just needs two hands. Tapan and Josh make uncomfortable irl eye contact throughout most of the episode, in which Josh gets his hair cut on Broadway, Tapan's like Memento if he didn't get any of those tattoos, and Mike plans a wedding that only Johnny Utah himself could pull off.
Pairings: Abstinence education; ginkgo baloba; aqua socks
SHOW NOTES
May I Have This Dance?
PAX
...2017-09-1300 min
Instead OfThe Old Man and the PoolGet all punchdrunklove-y dovey with us this week, as Mike threatens to punch Tapan, Tapan threatens to fight Josh, and Josh buys everybody presents. We re-live the moments leading up to Josh's conception, Mike gets some of the sweet, bloody attention he craves, and Tapan encounters a no-scoping urinal alpha the likes of which haven't been seen in this realm for nigh on a thousand moons or more.
Pairings: cardiovascular endurance; a real, functioning proton pack; some SPF 30 is probably good enough
SHOW NOTES
Titanic (1997)
James Cameron's greatest scheme
Persistence hunting
Porktrack
Share a...2017-08-1600 min
Instead OfLittle Blue CorvetteYou're gonna want to bundle up, folks, 'cause we're breaking the ice in this one. Tapan's spitting hot fire with yet another grocery shopping anecdote, Josh makes his directorial de-"Blue," and we keep on Rollin' with a riveting round of the hit audio-only game "Painstakingly Describe That Yoga Pose." Hey, at least we don't talk about Quizno's this time.
Pairings: R1, R1, CIRCLE, R2, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT; Joe's Garage; anything but Schindler's List
SHOW NOTES
Josh's trophy
Spanish Inquisition
One hell of a car decal
Calvin's...2017-08-0200 min