Shows
LoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeControlling Your PartnerSend us a textJerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway?An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is featured in the second half, as well as a better-way-forward illustrated.2025-04-1940 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeWhen You're Both AvoidantSend us a textSo what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewards that can come from decidedly "rocking the boat."2025-03-2831 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeSeek First to UnderstandSend us a textIdentifying your feelings and then talking about them isn't enough. There is another person present in the relationship and reaching to understand THEM is the very challenge that we have to master in order for any progress to take hold. Kristy and Jerry consider how the search for understanding of "the other" usually presents itself -- either in its presence or its absence and show you how this often breaks out in fights. Alternatives are identified and practiced.2025-03-0841 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThat Third Day of Vacation FightSend us a textYou finally both get to the vacation destination of your dreams -- something you've been saving for the rest of the year and it seems just great. Until the third day, when you have That Big Fight. Why is this such a recognizable thing to most couples? What explains it? And what could help things be better?2025-02-1534 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThe Space Between Our Two RealitiesSend us a textSometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about "Reality" when it comes to life in the here-and-now with a partner. 2025-01-2533 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeNew Beginnings With the Same (Old) Partner?Send us a textIs it possible? How can this be done? And what are the rewards? Jerry and Kristy consider the rewards and roadblocks to blazing new paths of discovery and adventure with your current partner. 2025-01-0830 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThe Long Ride Home After Couples TherapySend us a textTriumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped about a 2026 event. 2024-11-1726 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeWhen the Adaptive Child Insists on PrevailingSend us a textIn this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, th...2024-10-1146 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeSelf-SoothingSend us a textIn this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsively in triggering situations. They highlight the significance of finding a balance between self-soothing and nurturing the relationship as a couple.2024-09-2036 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeHow To Use TherapySend us a textJerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared. 2024-09-0135 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeMaking the Most of Your Time TogetherSend us a textIt's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health. 2024-07-2745 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeDiagnosing Your PartnerSend us a textThe perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....2024-07-0132 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeRepairSend us a textJerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated. 2024-06-101h 09LoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeMoneySend us a textCouples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified. 2024-05-2343 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifePatriarchy In Our RelationshipsSend us a textJerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women. 2024-04-2742 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeEverything Breaks; Most Gets FixedSend us a textYou know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair. 2024-04-0232 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeEgoSend us a textWhat role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning. 2024-03-1446 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeWhat If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"?Send us a textIt's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode.2024-02-2337 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeI Am DONE!!!Send us a textMemorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode. 2024-02-0236 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThe Selfishness of AddictionSend us a textAn addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step groups' encouragement to do so) and the very process of recovery can attain a familiarly selfish flavor. Jerry and Kristy explore the relational damage addiction (and sometimes even recovery) can bring.2024-01-2339 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThe Challenge of Blended FamiliesSend us a textIt's not always The Brady Bunch. In fact, it almost never is. Kristy and Jerry explore some of the dynamics at work for members of blended families and try to "right-size" expectations to maximize opportunities for natural connections. 2024-01-0937 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThe HolidaysSend us a textAhhhh...The Holidays. They are already here, and we are already scrambling to try to extract the maximum amount of family happiness and connection from situations that can also offer confusion, old, unresolved situations, things-out-of-left-field, financial stress, arguments and large amounts of stress or depression. Still, it is possible to put together a tool kit for yourself and to find joy in moments of connection large and small. 2023-12-0443 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeGratitudeSend us a textJerry and Kristy express their gratitude for the people, places and things in their lives, with a particular focus on their respective relationships. Being able to extract, and express, gratitude for that hard things that are learned as part of the growth-edge that relationships bring is the Advanced Class. Our best efforts are required, and are rewarded. 2023-11-1846 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeTrauma & Your RelationshipSend us a textWhether it is childhood trauma(s), the effects of societal prejudices, discrimination and stigmatizing or more recent adult losses of a traumatic nature, the ripple effects of trauma is shared with our partner in relationships. Kristy and Jerry ponder the wide-ranging effects of this in presenting challenges to intimacy in relationships. And we end with a whopper of a role-played good fight, demonstrating, once again, the wrong way and the right way to have disagreements with a spouse. (Spoiler alert: we are married to other people who have to actually deal with the A...2023-11-0750 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeAm I Crazy?Send us a textDo you ever feel strongly at emotional odds with most things around you? And then whether or not you are off-your-rocker and possibly The Problem because of being crazy? Just....different from others, in a major way? You aren't alone at all. Being overwhelmed by feelings -- and not feeling like they are seen and valued by those closest to you -- is common. Jerry and Kristy break it down and consider the way forward, wherein you can remain connected to a partner despite the depth and intensity of your own feelings. 2023-10-2149 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeReligious UpbringingsSend us a textOur religious upbringings -- or non-religious upbringings -- can have implications and repercussions for our later intimate relationships, the likes of which we likely hadn't considered. Jerry & Kristy discuss. 2023-09-2948 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeRewriting (Relationship) HistorySend us a textKristy & Jerry consider what happens when we, for one reason or another, remember only certain aspects of our most important relationships. We deny, or ignore, important things at a cost; recovery of all the layers of a relationship may be painful, but worth it. 2023-09-1642 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeBirthdays & AnniversariesSend us a textWhat's it like for you to be in a couple and to celebrate these special occasions? Or...not? What happens, for the couple, when these days roll around and either are celebrated, ignored or recognized in a less-than-satisfying way? Jerry and Kristy contemplate these things and more. 2023-09-0638 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeThe Fine Line Between Letting Things Go & EnablingSend us a textKristy and Jerry untangle the thorny areas in which personal boundaries seem to be challenged by our partner's desire to control us, when -- in fact -- it is often about emotional needs we can all relate to it. The seed for solutions lay in a relational approach, neither in confrontation nor denial.2023-08-0752 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeHaving a BabySend us a textAdding an additional person to your household offers unique challenges and rewards for a couple, but undeniably is one of the most profound relationship shifts you'll undergo in your lives together. Kristy and Jerry ponder some of these effects and speak out loud about things that too often not spoken about because....well, because it's not so easy.2023-07-2549 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeJust How Much Intimacy Do I Really Want?Send us a textJerry and Kristy wrestle with the reality that every couple has different levels of desire when it comes to ongoing closeness and intimacy. Like so many other markers of social and emotional health, intimacy might be best viewed on a continuum.2023-07-1045 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeBlinded By My HurtSend us a textWe all know THOSE kind of arguments; when one of us just will not give in, because giving in means giving up and conceding defeat in what feels like a life-and-death battle. But when we consider it at a safe distance, well...what is really going on? And how could these things be handled better? Jerry and Kristy consider this, give some advice, and show what it looks like/sounds like in a real-time argument (done poorly then more compassionately). 2023-06-2644 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeBeing Happy When Your Partner Isn'tSend us a textKristy and Jerry consider the awkward dynamics that can ensue when partners aren't aligned in their levels of happiness or sadness on any given day, week or month. What, exactly, is your level of "responsibility" and what isn't? How can this be approached with kindness and sensitivity?2023-06-1142 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeGetting Your Self-Esteem From Social MediaSend us a textJerry & Kristy consider what happens when the primary source of our self-esteem comes from our social media applications. What are the implications for our relationships?2023-05-2943 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeCancelling Toxic Relationships (And Aren't We All A Little Toxic?)Send us a textKristy and Jerry consider the phenomena of "cancellation" as a reactive move; when is it exactly the right thing, and when is it exactly the wrong thing? How does fast-easy cancellation, "ghosting," etc. work against our developing abilities to be relational?2023-05-1644 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeAll (S)He Wants Is SexSend us a textA frequently heard complaint in couples' sessions is deconstructed and discussed. Are there any bad people here, or are two people seeking to be seen and valued in different ways when there is an obvious disconnect re: sexual needs? What are the ways to meet in a mutually appreciated way, where boundaries are respected AND needs are acknowledged? And -- dare we ask -- what about pleasure?2023-05-0146 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeDoes Your Attachment Style Sabotage You?Send us a textKristy and Jerry discuss lasting styles of attachment and the difficulties these can pose for our partners. (And ourselves!) And...it somehow all makes sense. Can this be worked on with health in a relationship and result in improvements? Absolutely, yes. Can you change your partner's fundamental attachment style??? Well, now....time for some humility.2023-04-1738 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeHome Is Where We Fall ApartSend us a textThe intimate connections offered by our home life can go either way: towards snippy, isolated/isolating, defensive interactions or towards ever-greater connectedness and satisfactions. Jerry and Kristy consider this, in action, and conclude with a fight (done both from a less-mature point of view AND a wise-adult stance). 2023-04-0136 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeDo Words Even Matter?Send us a textJerry & Kristy consider the dual nature of words, as they are used in relationships. On the one hand they matter very much -- as they can be source of great pain or comfort. On the other hand some of the most profound moments of your relationship have very little with words. As with most tools humans use to connect or disconnect with each other, it is worth consideration. We culminate in a fight, showing both the damaging nature of words and their potential to initiate repair. 2023-03-1947 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeCatastrophizingSend us a textThe fine (self-defeating) art of making small disappointments, disagreements and conflicts into major demonstrations of disastrous proportions is discussed by Kristy and Jerry. Alternatives are considered. We also -- finally -- resume our end-of-podcast fights, illustrating better ways of handling disappointments than couples often reach for.This marks our first VIDEO-also podcast; we're setting up our You Tube channel as we speak, so you'll soon be able to see this one, and future ones, in all the video glory. Faces to match the voices. Who would've thought such a thing would...2023-03-0644 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeBody Image & Your RelationshipSend us a textJerry and Kristy explore the shaping of our self-esteem -- and the impact on later relationships -- that occurs related to our own body image issues. The impact of early family influences, societal messaging, the internet and advertising on internalized shame and doubt is profound, and shapes what we bring into our relationship with a similarly insecure human being. 2023-02-1938 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeRelationship ReckoningSend us a textHow can you go about figuring if a relationship is really over? Whether you'd be happier without it? Kristy and Jerry discuss the intricacies of deciding when separating and ending a relationship is the right thing to do. Alternately: how can you come to peace with things that annoy you in your partner that just never seem to change?2023-02-0648 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeWhen Your Partner LeavesSend us a textJerry and Kristy consider all the variations in "leaving" and the repercussions for the relationship. Healthy alternatives for taking space are considered. As usual, we have a fight at the end and show a better way of doing that. 2023-01-2146 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeFaith TransitionsSend us a textKristy and Jerry discuss the challenges and opportunities that exist when one member of a couple goes through changes about their religious beliefs (and practices). Does it always have to be a deal-breaker of epic proportions for the couple? And...what about any children who may be watching?2023-01-0940 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeSelf Esteem: A Deep DiveSend us a textKristy and Jerry take a deeper look at how self-esteem (yours!) remains at the core of a relationship's chances for success. The futility of trying to change your partner while not feeling good enough about yourself (or even knowing your own needs) is discussed, with special attention paid to each of the four quadrants conceptualized by Terry Real (and Pia Mellody) in Relational Life Therapy. 2022-12-1948 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeIs Your Partner a Narcissist?Send us a textIs your partner a narcissist? And what are the implications if the answer is "Yes"? Is this term over-used, or under-recognized? What possibilities realistically exist for someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist?Jerry and Kristy wrestle with this in today's episode. 2022-12-0343 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeBiting The BulletSend us a textYou know the feeling; that moment when your spouse asks you to do something that you absolutely, honestly DON'T want to do. But they enjoy it. What do you do? Radical honesty in the direction of "taking care of myself"? Or....aren't there just times where you have to "bite the bullet" and "take one for the team"? And how is this different from co-dependency, or becoming a doormat? Jerry & Kristy consider this. 2022-11-2040 minLoveWork: Skills for a Relational LifeAfter The AffairSend us a textWhat happens, for a couple, after one partner has had an affair and it is now out in the open? What are the best things you can do (and the worst ones)? How long is the healing process? Is it really true that going through this together can lead to a closer relationship that existed previously? Jerry and Kristy consider it. 2022-11-0749 min