Lee H. Baucom - Podcast Details

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The Save The Marriage PodcastMalice vs. NeglectMany times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse. But I don't think that is actually it. In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious. Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue. I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive relationships... in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at least at that time). You may be familiar with Occam's Razor. Well, th...2025-04-1618 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastSharing PowerIt’s a partnership. Right? Right? Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared. Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle. And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, w...2023-01-1835 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Anger/Blame/Shame DanceDo you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And...2021-10-0600 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhy Your Spouse Doesn't See A ChangeYou've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily. You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown. But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all! What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes? It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn't noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes. In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn't see the changes. Let's take...2021-09-2900 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastLimiting Beliefs Limiting Your MarriageIt almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs. Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage? I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us. ...2021-09-2200 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastAre You Dissing Your Marriage? 3 Ways....I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation. That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to. Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship. And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to. The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at the foundations. The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around. Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop...2021-09-1500 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Danger of the ShortcutI admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy." I told him I was. He told me he didn't want my System. Just the secret, the "short-cut." When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that. He just needed the "trick," the short-cut. We went round and round for a couple more minutes. I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the "short-cuts" he had been trying i...2021-09-0816 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHave You Been “Friend Zoned”?I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage. I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job. But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress. Did my spouse Friend Zone me??" Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it. First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone. But is that really...2021-09-0123 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastIs It Time for a Bootcamp?I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year. Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better. In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier. It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere. Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next. Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp. I remember sitting in my office with...2021-08-0421 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastIs It Just Delaying The Inevitable?I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable? Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right? Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in...2021-07-2818 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast4 Reasons Why You Aren't Saving Your MarriageFirst, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage. I discuss 4 reas...2021-07-2119 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastSwitches or Dials?No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want...2021-07-1414 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastToo Self-Centered for Your Marriage?"You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems." Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people! At the same time! Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered. To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish... certainly completely out of balance with what...2021-06-3022 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Spouse PredicamentIt's a predicament, isn't it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quite the predicament, isn't it? It certainly is f...2021-06-2326 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastSlow Slide, Then All At OnceI've seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn't. I've seen it over and over. Nothing drastic or sudden. Just slowly disconnecting. Slowly drifting apart. And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be! Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues...2021-06-1621 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow NOT to Save Your Marriage - So AVOID These!Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are. Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here. Ta...2021-06-0922 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastARC of Saving A MarriageSince my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can...2021-06-0222 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Connection PrincipleConnection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall. The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection. Instead of helping, I notice many...2021-05-2649 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow to Avoid a Blow-UpSlowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)... And BOOM! You blow up! You use a tone...2021-05-1919 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastYour Blame AddictionAre you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who ge...2021-05-1217 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastIf THEY Can’t, Who Can?I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits. Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together." I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples...2021-05-0516 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast“But What If I CAN’T Save It?"Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?" One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear. That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you. This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", because not every marriage can be saved...2021-04-2820 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastCan You Fall In Love Again? - Listener QuestionAs often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question. In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done. Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings. Can feelings change? Of course. They already did. Which is why...2021-04-2122 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow Do You Argue?: 3 Modes That FailDo you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”? I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out. Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work? They are so easy to fall into. In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see th...2021-04-1421 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastNMF: “Not MY Fault!"The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she...2021-04-0723 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastIs Your Marriage Crisis Hot or Cold?Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold? Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issue...2021-03-3127 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe 3 Barriers and BeyondFor some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility. Why? There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers. Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless. Add those together, and it can seem pretty...2021-03-2448 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastStages of Crisis AwarenessIn my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage c...2021-03-1721 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe 80/80 Marriage“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage. Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble. Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble. Why? Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness. If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching t...2021-03-1048 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe 2 Necessary FeelingsFeelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel. Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings. In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way. Unfortunately, that "something" is more a "someone," the spouse. Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away? There are 2 primary feelings that must be in...2021-03-0320 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastOut of Nowhere?Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week. What happened? How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere? The simple answer is, it didn’t. Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think. As one divorce attorney put it...2021-02-2425 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhy Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Can ChangeYou've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You're proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn't buying. For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes! Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won't allow themselves to see something different? In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn't willing or able to see a change. Included are the times your spouse might ackno...2021-02-1720 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastTherapy or Bust!We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing. Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce. So, I work hard to show...2021-02-1022 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastKnocked Down, Back UpYou started working on saving your marriage. Good for you! And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end. But are you? Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is...2021-02-0326 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastNo Closer… Stuck?What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be. It isn’t where Mary wants it...2021-01-2719 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast“I Want to Save My Marriage” Q & AIn previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode. But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all. All of them, though, started with this: “I want to save my mar...2021-01-2035 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastJourney from Apology to ReconcilingYou have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different. Somewhere better. It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way. Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love. Those four big stops? Apology Forgiving Trusting Reconciling Many assume that one follows the other, just poin...2021-01-1323 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastStaying in the GameYou might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away. It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. How do you "stay in the game?" Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward. Let me share some strategies on how...2021-01-0617 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhat’s Your Plan?We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen. So what will we make happen? I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups: those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed. My task was to determine what made the difference. They all had the ba...2020-12-3026 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastGhosts of Relationships PastDo you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is: Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Ne...2020-12-2314 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastGhosts of Relationship PastDo you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is: Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the...2020-12-2314 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastCaught in a TriangleBasic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds. And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships. Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for. During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles...2020-12-1619 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastCaught In A TriangleBasic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds. And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships. Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for. During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program me...2020-12-1619 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast“I Saved My Marriage!"Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next. When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action. And things continue in the downward spiral. So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively. Now, you are looking back to see what you...2020-12-0935 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast“I Saved My Marriage!”Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next. When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action. And things continue in the downward spiral. So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively. Now...2020-12-0935 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastRewriting The PastSounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that? We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where...2020-12-0217 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastRewriting the PastSounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that? We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are fo...2020-12-0217 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastMarriage Lie #5: Your Spouse Should Make You HappyYou were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy. No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy. Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy. There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible! You...2020-11-2519 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastMarriage Lie #4: Marriage is 50 / 50Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right? Right?? Nope. Just another marriage lie. Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed. So, actions are taken on a false belief. For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset. Reaso...2020-11-1829 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastMarriage Lie #3: Conflict Means Its WrongIf you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right? Right? No. Not at all. But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem. Just one that can be improved. Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict. That is the danger of this particular lie. It causes people to give up, since there is conflict, rather than working through. I don’t meet too many people that like conflict. Most either avoid it or handle it poorly. And many see...2020-11-1121 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastLie #2: “Meet My Needs!"A spouse should complete you… right? Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right? And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right? Wrong. In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your needs (never mind meeting the needs of your spouse). First, please don’t go all “Then the opposite...2020-11-0426 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastMarriage Lie #2: “Meet All of My Needs”A spouse should complete you… right? Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right? And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right? Wrong. In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your needs (never mind meeting the needs of your spouse...2020-11-0426 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastMarriage Lie: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong"“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?" He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave. I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!" He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes...2020-10-2820 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastMarriage Lie #1: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong”“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?" He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave. I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!" He stopped, looked back at me...2020-10-2820 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhen Your Plan Hits a WallYour plan to save your marriage has hit a wall. Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall. First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success. Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed. But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily. So let me say...2020-10-2119 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastDWYADAYGWYAGNo, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard. And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title. Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG. But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns? Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life. Not moving ahead. Stuck. But alive! And that is what the brain registers. Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting. Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting. But we survived. Lesson learned. What we did yesterd...2020-10-1432 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhat About Love?A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love. I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?" And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still trying. More than that, the loving feeli...2020-10-0728 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThere IS No Try“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion. Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page. There is no such action as “try.” You can do something or not do something. But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try." Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or writing project for an hour. I am pretty...2020-09-3021 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastCan You Force Connection?Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t...2020-09-2329 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast5 Myths of Saving Your MarriageDo you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before! Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point...2020-09-1625 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Choice…“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Whic...2020-09-0830 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Choice...“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, d...2020-09-0830 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhen You Can’t Make Your Spouse HappyMany a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship. But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy. Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy. Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy? Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control. In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your effor...2020-09-0220 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastFACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move ForwardSometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starti...2020-08-2622 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastFace the FACT of Your CrisisSometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond...2020-08-2622 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow Steep is the Climb?“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing. When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor followed the guide. And t...2020-08-1927 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastLove and Respect with Emerson Eggerichs"What’s love got to do with it??" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!” Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect. But what is the connection between love and respect? Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect. As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue. In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women. He realized that while we all need love and respect, men tend to need respect more than love, and wome...2020-08-1257 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastLove and Respect: An Interview with Emerson Eggerichs"What’s love got to do with it??" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!” Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect. But what is the connection between love and respect? Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect. As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue. In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women. He realized that while we all need love and respect, men tend to need respect...2020-08-1257 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow Fear Hijacks Your Marriage: Poly Vagal TheoryYour ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers. Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats. Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses. It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight. Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat. That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle. It even has some applicab...2020-08-0553 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow to Get the Love You WantWhy did you fall in love with your spouse? Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love? And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful? Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades. In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim. It was an international best-seller. In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why...2020-07-2957 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhy These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century...2020-07-2222 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow to be the Bigger VictimMost people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done. Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing. Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse…. It is quite a game. Not one that either person is...2020-07-1530 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhat CAN One Person Do?Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once...2020-07-0824 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastEscaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partnerAnother listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it. What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner? What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be? What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse? Or what if these are the questions of your spouse? That your spouse is trying to b...2020-07-0124 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastThe Differences Between Happy and Hurting MarriagesMarriages start at the same place: two people in love, ready to face the world together. And most believe they have already beaten the odds. Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting. It won’t fall apart like those other marriages. They have already won. Except they haven’t. Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive. But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting. And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the d...2020-06-2428 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastService or Repair?My car is in for service. Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background. But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home. Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up. It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed). But there were other cars there for repairs. Which had me thinking…. What does service mean for a relationship? How about repair for a marriage? The more I thought about it, the more the...2020-06-1728 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHow to Deepen Your ConnectionThe #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling: “We are just not connected.” The #1 reason why marriages end up failing: “We are just too disconnected." What happened? That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go? I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected: life gets in the way. Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way. They hit the “pause button” on the relationship. Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons. They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause...2020-06-1042 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastSurvival Rules for Your MarriageYour marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how. Step #1 is surviving. Confession: I have an abiding interest in survival. I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports. Why do those who survive make it through? What makes a difference for them? They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too. Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more a...2020-06-0321 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastFocused On The Wrong Things?At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage. "Rowing...2020-05-2720 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhen Marriage is Hard“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples. What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife. At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough. Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person? Or is there something else going on? There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmo...2020-05-2026 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastHanging On To HopeYour spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless? Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation? Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation. Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope. In my latest book, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s bar...2020-05-1317 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastLove Isn’t (Only) Romantic“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.” Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else? Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal. For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time...2020-05-0625 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastQuarantined Together or ApartIf a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic. And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating. The pandemic isn’t anything we can control. Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others. What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis? How do you deal with that? In the midst of the pandemic? And while self-isolating. That breaks down into 4 different groups: Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together. Each has some nuances that need your attenti...2020-04-2923 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastFinding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?" Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any? There are some underlying reasons...2020-04-2226 min

The Save The Marriage Podcast“How Long?” Trust, Trauma, and TowelsI'm still answering your questions! If you have a question you want me to cover on the podcast, just SEND ME AN EMAIL HERE. Today, we cover "time." Or more specifically, "How Long?" The questions come from 2 listeners, "B" and "J." B asked about how long it takes to recover from broken trust. He follows up with wondering about PTSD symptoms and breaking trust. If your relationship suffers from broken trust, I cover the issue of healing time... and what you can do about that time. I also go into some discussion about trust and t...2019-08-2927 min

The Save The Marriage PodcastWhy I Do What I DoDr. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Over the next few weeks, I want you to meet my talented staff. I have some of the top relationship coaches working with me to provide great help to couples around the world. And I am proud of the work we do. Why? Because it comes from my deep belief that healthy marriages are crucial for a healthy family, community, and world. I jump in this week to tell you about who I am and why I do what I do. Just so you know where I a...2018-02-2222 min