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Walter Rhein PodcastDiscussing Various Pathways to Publishing with Bestselling Author Libbie GrantHi Everyone,This was a fun conversation! Libbie Grant is a highly successful author who publishes under the pen name Olivia Hawker. She discusses how she started out self-publishing before breaking through with a major publishing deal. Libbie gives really practical information that will help writers as they navigate their own publication journey.We also expressed our mutual fondness for Watership Down :).I hope you enjoy this conversation!Thank you Ilona Goanos, Abstract J, S.L. Stallings, Peter Cox, C Wallis, and many others for tuning into my live video with...2025-05-151h 00
Future Saint of a New Era029 - "MaNiFeSt"Hey, remember Libbie? She's back with the ridiculous tale of how she got her fourth agent. Featuring a perilous sea voyage and an unpleasant surprise from Mother Nature.2025-03-171h 00Future Saint of a New Era028 - Of Wizards and WampyrsIt's the second annual Spooky Season Spectacular, just barely in time for Halloween! Libbie tells the chilling/ridiculous tale of the Highgate Vampire... featuring ding dongs, a magicians' duel, and a literal, actual mob with pitchforks and torches. 2024-10-2957 minFuture Saint of a New Era027 - Good Vibes, Bad MoviesTotal vibes shift! It’s Couch F*** Summer, and you should celebrate by indulging in Libbie’s three favorite bad movies. Swamp bigfoot. Slapping Jesus. Wanton laptop destruction. Warning: lots of swearing in this one.2024-08-281h 03Future Saint of a New Era026 - The Hungry GodWell, guess we have to talk about the six-ton political gorilla in the room. How is democracy like a bonsai tree? Libbie gets into it. 2024-07-201h 00Future Saint of a New Era025 - In the GraveyardLibbie's friend died and she has some feelings about it, so she wrote an essay. R.I.P. Nate; you were a good dude.2024-06-0338 minFuture Saint of a New Era024 - Bless the MakerLibbie takes you on a deep dive into the cultural history of Dune... which is a lot more mysterious and fascinating than you might expect. Featuring: a publisher of auto repair manuals, a riot at a Mexican film festival, and Richard f***ing Nixon. Put on your stillsuit and ready your Maker hooks, because this is one nerdy ride into sci-fi esoterica.2024-03-271h 09Future Saint of a New Era022 - Fabio: A Time for RomanceLibbie can't handle literally anything right now, so she's watching this short film starring Fabio and you're coming along for the ride.2023-11-2259 minFuture Saint of a New Era021 - Mandelbrot Measures the CoastLibbie reminisces on that time she blew the minds of a whole Baptist youth group and then solves Terence McKenna's infamous Timewave Zero mystery (okay, maybe not solves, but definitely gets into it.)2023-11-081h 05Future Saint of a New Era018 - The Messages, Part 1: LeemsIn Part 1 of this three-part Spooky Season Spectacular, Libbie delves into the mystery of the Dodleston Messages, one of the weirdest haunted tales you'll ever encounter. Spoiler alert: it involves a crappy word processor from the 80s and a dude who loves cheese.2023-10-111h 21Future Saint of a New Era017 - Oops, I'm a Sci-Fi Author NowLibbie talks about writerly evolution and her origins in a dank internet cellar. Plus: a short story, "A Light in the Merced River."2023-10-041h 08Future Saint of a New Era02.06 - Selfie on the Edge of ForeverMetamorphic cityscapes. Grunge and rebellion. Mixed-media storytelling for futuristic humans. Libbie talks to writer and podcaster Reid Faylor about his spooky gothic origin story, making people pee their pants, and the power of not waiting for permission. Plus: the weirdest milks.2023-06-281h 14Future Saint of a New Era02.05 - Aut InveniamConference shenanigans. Spreading memes. Doors that don't look like doors. Libbie talks to editor Jodi Warshaw about just how ridiculous publishing is, and tea is spilled about the industry of the 90s. Plus: a new slogan for you to adopt as your own.2023-06-211h 05Future Saint of a New EraAnnouncement! (feat. UFOs)Quick announcement from Libbie! I'll be back on June 21.2023-06-0101 minFuture Saint of a New Era02.04 - The Discovery of AirAlchemy. Proto-science. Practical magic. Libbie talks to author Paulette Kennedy about the Ozarks, scientific studies on weird things, and Shirley Jackson. Plus: the Big Bang is fake. Maybe.2023-05-311h 14Future Saint of a New Era02.03 - Life's A ZooLibbie shares all her best stories from her previous career, when she was a zookeeper. Snatching flamingoes. Emu dicks. A harrowing goose rescue. A romance with a condor. Plus: what happens when a bird poops in your eye.2023-05-2452 minFuture Saint of a New Era02.02 - It's All Conscious, Henry KissingerLibbie talks to Tim Batson, editor-in-chief of Mid-Level Management Literary Magazine, about work as identity, 90s AOL hijinx, and becoming transhuman to get a new butthole. Plus: Libbie figures out where the divide really lies between GenX and the Millennials. Happy Rex Manning Day!2023-05-171h 10Future Saint of a New Era02.01 - InitiationWelcome to Season 2! Libbie gets low, has a quasi-religious experience, and fortuitously encounters a saint in a cemetery, then talks about how she got the idea for her next novel. Plus: a groovy sound collage, "Becoming a Robot." Hope you totally jam to it, my friends.2023-05-1045 min
Becoming A Household NameLibbie Grant the Prolific WriterThe best book Libbie Grant has ever written, her masterpiece, has not had the reception it deserves, and I’m calling all you listeners to give it it’s time to shine. Grab it here.Several times a year––okay, it’s a bit more common for me––I meet someone who opens a whole new corner of the universe to my imagination and longing.That is exactly how I felt, talking to Libbie Grant.Libbie writes under four pseudonyms, and all of her books publish with one of the Big 5 publishers. Sh...2023-02-081h 01
Gotta Grow Up Sometime!66 - Retrospective Retrospective: FMK Swans Crossing AdultsIt’s our retrospective retrospective! We reminisce about the last two years, reliving our favorite moments and discussing our predictions for the Season 2 that might have been. There’s a lot of wheeze-laughing in this one, and Libbie’s soul leaves her body. Plus: who was the ultimate champion of psychopathy? The answer will not surprise you. Adieu, Swannies--it's been fun.2023-02-0442 minFuture Saint of a New Era01.10 - Modern PrometheusPandemic projects. Affluent teens of the 90s. Hillary will not bake cookies. Libbie talks to author Spencer Fleury about writer’s block, military dick pranks, and why the 80s sucked so much. Plus: our AI overlords are already here. See you in the spring for Season 2!2023-02-011h 23Gotta Grow Up Sometime!65 - A Bunch of Beach BallsThis is it, Swannies! It’s the final episode of Swans Crossing! Mila looks like roadkill. Callie and Jimmy arm-wrestle. Sydney is back to being an a-hole. Nancy, our heartless queen, is in fine fettle. Garrett reveals his evil plan. Glory is hangry. Muffy cries a single tear. Special guest appearance by Libbie’s cat, Chupie.2023-01-2839 minFuture Saint of a New Era01.09 - Body Slam the Baby JesusPersonas. Shadows. The world’s craziest research trip. Libbie talks to artist and zine enthusiast Theo Grace Quest about outsider art, why we miss Vine so much, and why the internet was awesome in the 2000s but mostly sucks today. Plus: what happened when Libbie crashed a furry con.2023-01-251h 16Future Saint of a New Era01.08 - Little GodlingsHorse peril. Tornadoes. 90s cults. Libbie talks to author Amalia Dillin about Jesus merch, being pets to gods, and the myths that keep coming back around again. Plus: a Mormon funeral.2023-01-181h 11Gotta Grow Up Sometime!63 - An Obvious LurkSparks begin to fly between Mila and JT. Jimmy and Saja reminisce about woobie hunting. Garrett forces Sydney to call child trafficker Billy Gunn, then begins strategizing ways to turn Mila into money. Owen has captured footage of legitimate Stranger Danger and nobody cares. Callie and Jimmy just GO FOR IT. A fledgling romance begins to develop between Saja and Sandy, the two perpetual third wheels of Swans Crossing.2023-01-1433 minFuture Saint of a New Era01.07 - Stranger on the Shore90s lit. Being in love. Surviving your 20s. Libbie talks to Harvard PhD candidate Alexis Turner about LSD, Eros, and what magic is (or isn’t). Plus: the thing Libbie regrets most in her life.2023-01-111h 24Gotta Grow Up Sometime!62 - Oedipus the BearSydney ironically morphs into Sandy Swan of her own free will. Owen’s breaking and entering spree continues apace. Garrett is a time lord. Saja has fleshlights. Sandy blinds a bear. Jimmy almost cops a feel. Plus: Nathan learns about Flea and an old man yells “Schwing.”2023-01-0730 minFuture Saint of a New Era01.06 - Local ColorLibbie runs face-first into her own mortality and it goes better than you’d expect. Then she talks to artist Mia Bergeron about the realities of working as an artist, the non-utility of talent, and the gift of creativity. Plus: have you ever just smelled stuff? You should try it sometime.2023-01-041h 18Future Saint of a New Era01.05 - Footprints in the DustLibbie talks to "Throawaylien," author of one of the strangest and most enduring pieces of modern UFO lore. Plus: that time Libbie saw a UFO, and the time something unexplained saw Libbie.2022-12-281h 00Future Saint of a New Era01.04 - The Plane of MemoryYule. Santa's lineage. What it's like to look directly at a ghost. Libbie and author Allison Epstein discuss the most disturbing U2 song to cover on the calliope.2022-12-211h 17Future Saint of a New Era01.03 - Heavenly Mother's Happy JuiceConfectionary deceit. LDS nonsense. Libbie talks to Dr. Kerry Pray about peacing out to the Telestial Kingdom and reads her essay, “All Things Compounded in One,” about growing up in the Mormon church as the wrong kind of girl.2022-12-151h 18Future Saint of a New Era01.02 - Requiem for a BurritoCoolness. Egregores. A conversation with M. M. Carrigan, editor in chief of the world’s most prestigious literary magazine, Taco Bell Quarterly. Plus: a fudge riot and ten gallons of tartar sauce.2022-12-151h 29Future Saint of a New Era01.01 - Imperfect InstrumentsUnconscious driving. Y2K. The worst boyfriend ever. Libbie talks to Ben LeRoy about cursed road trips, spectral roommates, the grim side of the publishing industry, and the nature of God.2022-12-151h 24Gotta Grow Up Sometime!Happy Holi-Hiatus!We have to take a little break because LIFE is CRAZY and the holidays don't help with that. We'll be back on January 7th with Episode 62! You can also check out Libbie's new podcast, Future Saint of a New Era, which debuts December 15th. Have a safe and happy holiday season, Swannies, and we'll see you in 2023 for the final episodes of this, the best-produced and most important podcast on Earth.2022-12-0301 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!61 - Crouching Baldie, Hidden OwenGarrett breaks the fourth wall to violently assault the viewer. Sandy enlists Sydney’s help in an image makeover… kind of. Mining in Rodavia is really cheap. Barek flies off in his own private jet because of course he does. Mila and Sandy learn that Owen has betrayed both of them. Owen doesn’t seem to care because he’s intent on creeping around in the bushes, filming all and sundry.2022-11-2631 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!60 - Dunk the BearGarrett wants to literally murder Sydney and says so SEVERAL times. Owen films people while they’re sleeping. Jimmy has a wrench cause he’s a mechanic. Glory extracts a promise from Garrett, which he immediately violates not three seconds later. JT peels a mustache; we can’t decide if it’s solemn or sexy. Saja does a tarot reading for Sydney and it’s… weird. The Entertainment Extravaganza is a flop for everyone except Katie, who makes out like a bandit.2022-11-1942 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!59 - The Noblest of Fleshy FoodsSaja pursues a Little Mamba Jamba. Neil ODs on helium. Callie’s dinner with Barek goes about how you’d expect. Glory busts her brother. Garrett has a legit crisis on the ol’ Booth porch. Plus: Nathan and Libbie complain like a couple of boomers about the kids these days with their Discords and their TikToks.2022-11-1240 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!58 - There Is F*ckery AfootSydney procures bunting. Jimmy sweeps up detritus and stares a lot. Glory isn’t buying the whole Mila/Garrett thing. Barek shares inappropriate stories with minors. Callie and her dad bond by throwing shuriken. The excitement flows to Garrett’s brain. Plus: Nathan makes some coffee and you have to listen to the whole process.2022-11-0538 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!57 - Motley RoughageThose are not Mila’s pancakes. Sydney has a new lease on life. Garrett is hosed. JT and Neil solve their financial problem… kind of. Callie betrays her own heart via nautical graffiti. Is Sandy ever gonna get over Owen? (Guess not). Owen’s fever-dream iteration of Mila is back and we are glad to see her. Plus: Libbie slams some table cream and Nathan reveals his bathroom sounds.2022-10-2944 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!56 - Synth Cello Hungry BoiCallie rescues Sydney from aquatic peril. Captain Walker plots with a mysterious frogman. Jazz and the Baldie are, like, REALLY horny for each other. Sydney has a protracted panic attack, and we do mean protracted. Mila wants a polyamorous arrangement with Garrett and Chandler. Libbie writes some fanfic of the Jazz/Baldie pairing. Sydney’s back and she’s not going to take Garrett’s shit anymore!2022-10-2232 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!55 - Ooh, I Restrain MyselfSydney is sensitive to Garrett’s needs. Mila flashes back to the beginning of this episode. JT and Neil attempt to acquire radioactive elements on credit. Jimmy makes Callie purr. Garrett cons Mila into making out. Ralph has a lot of canapes on offer. A ghostly apparition of Sandy Swan bops and bops and bops in a haunting silence. Sydney is visited by a series of Dickensian specters and then falls into the sea.2022-10-1530 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!54 - This Igneous MysteryTime has no longer has meaning in Swans Crossing. JT and Neil analyze Barek’s rocks. Callie lets Jimmy put it in her mouth (ice cream, you guys. Relax.) Cornelia Booth is back and she has been shopping. The Booth family makes a plan to revamp Sandy’s image. Owen eats several desserts. Mila finally discovers Chandler’s true identity. Sydney cries in the shadows.2022-10-0831 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!53 - Aquatic LordIt’s Season 6—the LAST season! Can you believe it? Callie is fine. We hear Vision in Polka Dot Pink and it’s… not fine. Sydney wears her mourning bathing suit. Garrett decides it’s time to try being nice to girls. Nancy and Sandy put Sydney on blast. Mila relives every single one of her past humiliations.
If you want to ask us a question for our meta-retrospective final ep, please DM us on Twitter @gottagrowuppod or on Instagram @swanscrosspod.2022-10-0137 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!52 - Sweet HoleWe just decided this is the end of Season 5. Garrett is more pleased with himself than he should be. JT is shut out of his trust fund. Saja’s bike is full of mysteries. Barek has murder on his mind. Mila is un-grounded. Sydney purloins more poetry. A “b’Dazzled” Sandy dances to her greatest hit. Callie is in extreme peril! Oh no! Plus: Libbie gets podcast vengeance on an ex-boyfriend.2022-08-1330 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!51 - A Dog Named BonerGarret has been lurking in cabanas again. Saja is hip to the fractal structure of the universe. Callie creeps around lookin’ for the hot rocks. Barek says the word “boner”. Neil and JT lose their funding. Sydney and Garrett pull an Actual Cyrano. Plus: an astonishing tale from Nathan’s childhood.2022-08-0632 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!50 - Jimmy Misreads the MomentMila is SO pink in this one. Neil is very happy about his candy bar. Jimmy lets Callie have it. Saja is a ninja again. Sydney plagiarizes some poetry and cries. We compare and contrast Garrett vs. Billy Gunn, then speculate on Garrett’s bedroom decor. Take a middle-aged walk with us down Memory Lane re: old-ass computers of the 90s. Plus: who is the mysterious Chandler?2022-07-3035 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!49 - The Horse’s Junk is Where the Sound Goes InIs Billy Gunn just… gone? We’re relieved. Mila tries to discover the identity of her secret admirer. Nancy talks into a horse’s nether region. Neil and JT commandeer hospital equipment. Owen eats all of Mila’s candy. Sandy is disheveled. Sydney is a drag. Charade!2022-07-2336 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!48 - A Brigadoon ScenarioJT can’t be bothered with chairs. Sydney gets creeped on and creeped out by Billy Gunn. Nathan draws the line at mind-meld pagers. Mila gets dumped by Billy and doesn’t realize how lucky she is. Buckyball is a verb now. Garrett is entirely too pleased with his line. Plus: hot sauce.2022-07-1632 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!47 - The One We've All Been Waiting ForNeil’s in a coma and we full-on scream about it. Nathan solves the mystery of the hospital set. We’re haunted by the continuing saga of Sydney hiding a horse in Nancy’s bedroom. JT and Glory KISS!!!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!! Are those hot rocks in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?2022-07-0931 min
Gotta Grow Up Sometime!46 - The Satan ThingMondays are for exposition! JT pulls Neil from a wreckage of pink foam insulation and their ruined ambitions. Nancy wears her mourning blazer. Deprived of Mila, Billy Gunn immediately turns his predatory attentions on Sydney… and then Sandy, moments later. Sandy’s hair gets a fluffing. Jazz has some kind of fantasy; the details are unclear.2022-07-0235 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!45 - Fission of the BuckyballsGarrett has a meeting. Billy Gunn makes some highly inappropriate comments. So does Barek! Neil is having a crisis. Callie and Jimmy call a truce. There’s a full-scale riot at Swan’s Soda Shop. Sydney’s hair is still enormous. Mila, a.k.a. Desirae Passion of Cruel Swans “fame,” immediately blows her disguise and gets grounded for life. An explosion rocks Swans Crossing; Neil is trapped under falling styrofoam.2022-06-2534 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!44 - You Suckered That GrownieWe regret to inform you that Billy Gunn has arrived in Swans Crossing. Glory’s home safe, but tensions are running high: everyone’s getting sucker-punched straight in the face. Sydney’s hair is SO huge. Callie gets a New Wave glow-up. Nathan absolutely LOSES IT, and later, Libbie teaches him all about butt rock.2022-06-1830 min
Historical Happy HourPower Panel - Piper Huguley, Libbie Grant and Aimie K. RunyanThree Fabulous Authors: Piper Huguley, Libbie Grant and Aimie K. Runyan. Jane Healey welcomes them together to celebrate the launch of Piper Huguley’s novel, By Her Own Design. It's the incredible untold story of how Ann Lowe, a Black woman and granddaughter of slaves, rose above personal struggles and racial prejudice to design and create one of America's most famous wedding dresses of all time for Jackie Kennedy. NYT Bestselling author Kate Quinn says Huguley has crafted a “heroine for the ages."2022-06-1558 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!43 - A Jane Eyre SituationGuys, I don’t know what happened. A glitch in the matrix caused this episode to come out a whole week late. Sorry! In this belated episode: Smooth jazz. Spooky statues. Glory is rescued! Jimmy and Callie have a helmeted showdown. JT and Garrett bury the hatchet for like 15 seconds. Also: a deep dive on that haunting Bounty commercial.2022-06-1129 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!42 - Gotta Clean Up SometimeTurns out a snake pit is a surprisingly dull place to be. JT moons. Neil suffers crushing remorse. Garrett acts like he murdered Glory, which isn’t helping anything. Sydney and Mila plot to try on outfits. Jimmy indulges his fantasies. Sorry about the plane buzzing around in the background. Oh, the iniquity!2022-05-2835 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!41 - Cut to the Snake PitHappy Season 5, Swannies! We break down the logistics of Glory’s abduction and briefly turn into a true crime podcast. The gang start to realize that Glory is missing. Neil and JT eat gross sandwiches and touch radioactive material. Callie will not be fobbed. Barek’s cotton ball stash is discovered. Holy shit, there’s a snake pit under Swans Crossing! Also, it’s double burger day!2022-05-2133 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!40 - A Machete Chopping PancakesSydney’s scheme has become a full-time job. Billy Gunn has a most unusual set of demands. Sandy’s doing laundry. Callie and Jimmy rumble at the Tool n Die. Barek abandons a sandwich. We are haunted by that one Bounty commercial. It's the end of Season 4 but we'll be back on May 21. Purple turtle super slinky.2022-04-1640 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!39 - Reverse CyranoIt’s finally the next day. Cotton balls are EVERYWHERE. Sydney and Mila refine the plan for that whole uncomfortable Billy Gunn thing. Callie has a Glory Day. Garrett is trapped in a cabana but he kind of deserves it. Saja kicks a box and we can’t stop thinking about it. Happy one-year anniversary to the most mediocre podcast ever! (This one. It’s us.)2022-04-0945 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!38 - Only You Could Hide a HorseSaja relives his Keystone Cops moment. Neil is a food sherpa. Glory is menaced repeatedly in her sleep. Garrett lists things, as is his habit. JT reads a poem, and it’s… uh… interesting. Nathan inadvertently predicts a plot twist and Libbie details the ins and outs of corn-holing while stoned.2022-04-0234 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!37 - Lugubrious CasioIt’s 1 a.m. and there is entirely too much going on in this town, considering the hour. In full ninja regalia, Saja checks out a jogger’s butt. Glory and Callie have become BFFs. Jimmy is still at the Tool n Die, probably for creepy reasons. Sydney gets stuck in an elevator, then she gets stuck in Mila’s plan to date Billy Gunn on the down-low. Owen: still striking out with Mila.2022-03-2631 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!36 - Pump the BilgeGarrett and Sydney have spent an entire hour staring at each other across the pool. Billy Gunn amps up the creep factor to astonishing new levels. Callie makes arrangements for extended landlubbery because apparently Swans Crossing is not, in fact, the only place left. Mr. Han has been running a clandestine drug ring out of the library and we are ON TO HIM. Busted!2022-03-1941 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!35 - Much Ado About NudibranchsWelcome to the Nudibranquet. The Countess really goes all out in her attempt to seduce Captain Walker: Ritz crackers with CheezWiz, synchronized swimmers, Dolores the Nudibranch Girl, inexplicable ping-pong balls, an original aria composed for the occasion… it’s an evening no one in Swans Crossing will soon forget.2022-03-1241 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!34 - Reveling By ProxySydney is dressed down and is going through some shit. The Countess outsources her seduction of Captain Walker to the local youth. Barek bilocates. Mila is torn between Garrett and Billy Gunn. Owen sleeps in his studio. Callie kicks Jimmy where it counts. Nancy commits gossip fraud. We are here for Sassy Sandy Swan. There's a lot going on in this one; strap in.2022-03-0538 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!33 - It's Fine; Fruit Does ThatTo no one’s surprise, Sydney violates Sandy’s basic human rights. Jimmy and Callie decide to Do It, but not in the way you’re thinking. Garrett further enmeshes Sandy in his intricate scheme to ruin Sydney’s life. Mila rehearses her impending victimization at Billy Gunn’s hands. Hope you guys like bird sounds, cause you’re getting a lot of them today.2022-02-2641 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!32 - An Infestation of BaldiesBilly Gunn is the Matt Gaetz of Swans Crossing. We solve the mystery of Jimmy’s lone T-shirt. JT and Neil attempt to build a missile silo. Barek is fully cognizant of his own creepiness. Sandy senses her advantage over Sydney. We ponder the metaphysical nature of the Baldies. Ralph and Mr. Han have the greatest scene of all time.2022-02-1946 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!31 - Calling and BangingIt’s Season 4, Swannies! Sandy dyes her hair the color of a school bus. Garrett test drives a new catch phrase. Billy Gunn’s in town, and he’s most definitely a predator. Saja hits on Callie. Nathan gets very angry at a tree. Libbie tells a shocking 90s story from her Mormon past about pizza and sex.2022-02-1255 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!30 - Unexplained and Un-dealt-withJT jumps out a window. Sydney’s existential crisis continues apace. Garrett likes to watch. Extremely long con/extremely low payoff. Audio quality was worse than usual this time due to technical issues. Sorry. We suck, but that’s why you love us. Happy end of Season 3! Season 4 starts Feb 12!2022-01-0132 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!Bonus! Christmas in Swans CrossingOmicron ruined Libbie's holiday plans so she wrote a fanfic instead of visiting her family. Glory plans a Secret Santa gift exchange, but it doesn't exactly go as planned...2021-12-2546 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!29 - Very ConturningCallie’s hair grew three sizes that day. Somebody (Jazz?) roofied Neil. Sydney is busy gazing. Everyone has so many watches. Captain Walker achieves fishception. Nathan has a great idea for a holiday special.2021-12-1834 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!28 - Wizards of YoreGarrett—an actual, honest-to-goodness wizard—performs a ritual to transmogrify Sydney into Sandy. The Countess clearly thinks Mila and Owen have been bonin’ down. Nathan’s dog is a bougie bitch. Libbie sets the record straight about her alleged “obsession” with the SC theme song. The OUTFITS in this one, you guys. Wow. Wow.2021-12-1141 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!27 - Burger DominatrixSandy and Nancy get drunk on milkshakes and talk Jimmy into a menage et trois. Sydney’s anxieties are spiraling out of control. JT gets some dramatic musical stings. Garrett isn’t even a little bit wet. LEAVE SANDY ALONE!2021-12-0444 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!26 - Aprons For Your LegsOur noble friend is rocking out tonight. Sophia’s on the prowl. Sydney’s getting worried. JT’s hands are sweaty. Neil has vanished. Mila won’t shut up about her rhymes. This party sucks, man. Plus: We get political and expose our liberal agenda (via Dan Quayle jokes).2021-11-2738 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!25 - Vampire CornholioSurprise! There’s a dance tonight! Callie and Barek have a Highlander dynamic. We meet Jack Goldbrick, never to forget him. Jimmy has an interesting take on vampirism. Nathan knows a lot of dramaturges.2021-11-2036 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!24 - Bonus: STACEY MOSELEY!We interviewed Stacey Moseley, aka our queen, Callie Walker. What did Stacey wear to her audition? How do you build a swimming pool in a sound stage? Was Callie going to have an EVIL TWIN? Where did Stacey’s eyebrows go? The answers to these questions and so many more on this very special episode of Gotta Grow Up Sometime.2021-11-1332 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!23 - Collective Fever DreamApparently somebody put LSD in the Swans Crossing municipal water supply, because this week the whole entire cast is tripping balls. Saja crushes a lock with his fist. Owen is seeing triple. Garrett commits botanicide. We figured out why Mila can’t swim. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.2021-11-0636 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!22 - A Hole Punch for LemonsOwen gets stuck inside his drum set. Sandy is still putting up with his crap. A glimpse into Ralph’s rich inner life. Jazz, with a vast hairdo, issues a dire warning to Sydney. Nathan writes a beautiful poem. Libbie spent the weekend in a Hollywood orgy suite.2021-10-3047 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!21 - Garrett Has Two DaddiesHappy Season 3, Swannies! Garrett is grounded. Sydney is triumphant. Barek is back to his usual schtick of harassing minors. The Buckyballs swing both ways. Coach Tuna brings the pain. Neil and JT are werewolves, apparently. Nathan looks forward to pooping his pants.2021-10-2338 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!20 - SoaprahSydney, master of chaos, steers the slumber party straight onto the rocks of her vengeance. Saja is bullied over meatballs. Glory and JT kiss, allegedly, and Nathan is MAD about it. Guess what Sandy’s birthmark is shaped like. Just guess. Garrett is literally going to commit murder. It’s the end of Season 2! I can’t believe we’re still doing this!2021-09-1845 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!19 - Real, Actual CovenThe slumber party is BYOW: Bring Your Own Wig. Guys, this episode is cursed. Tech issues, echoes, weird sound things I couldn’t fix… the literal coven put a hex on our show. Plus, Barek is… wow. SO gross in this one. Enjoy.2021-09-1345 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!18 - Onion Dip is Truly a Foreign Concept to GretaSandy’s hair lurks in the darkness. Nancy’s full skill set is not being utilized to best advantage. Grammar is not a rich people thing. Owen goes to Neil for love advice, for some reason. Sydney eats a plastic swan.2021-09-0445 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!17 - Science Boi-oi-oingThe coven gathers. Jimmy has a bag of bread. Sofia is back with all of her names and all of her car innuendoes. JT is a poet. Owen’s fever dreams are getting really intense. Is this a department store, or is it a metaphor for Sandy’s barren inner life? Libbie inadvertently draws inspiration from Swans Crossing.2021-08-2842 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!16 - Peak NancyThis episode is a sartorial nightmare. Sydney is an effing mess. JT’s wearing his angriest underpants. Nancy dons a polyester potato sack and calls it sleepwear. Plus: someone hacked into the mainframe.2021-08-2140 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!15 - Flip the Dick SwitchThe cucking contract is officially broken! Garrett and Mila were definitely making out. Sydney is trapped in a gothic novel. Owen likes swelling. Jimmy rides a motorcycle. We discuss who’s the flouncing type and who is not.2021-08-1440 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!14 - Eat Your YodelsNancy has her power suit on. Symbolic catcher’s masks abound. Jimmy is still a very angry wizard. Grant Booth is running for mayor! Saja is tripping, again. Sydney has to make her fateful decision. The terms of the Cucking Contract are on the line.2021-08-0739 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!13 - Everybody Wants to Rule the WorldThis episode is a whole entire fever dream. Actual love is mentioned. Coach Gourami is bad at his job. Garrett is hanged in effigy. Jimmy is a very angry wizard.2021-07-3142 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!12 - The Argus-Eyed NetworkWe question Owen’s sartorial choices. Barek is extremely inappropriate with Callie and with everyone, really. Saja can bend space-time. Neil and JT know a lot about soap operas. Sandy is depressed again. Garrett has shark eyes. Sydney leans on a LOT of trees.2021-07-2445 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!11 - Cut from "Our Town"Someone’s having a Fiji fantasy feast. Callie wants to punch Garrett and so do we. Jimmy screws up his shoulder…again! Illicit boners abound. Down with the old masters; up with the psycho swans.2021-07-1752 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!10 - The Last Temptation of SajaJazz sexually harasses a child. Owen is drumming in an alternate dimension. Nancy is fully caked. Jimmy is a James Dean Type. Sydney and Garrett almost kiss. Saja is tempted by a hot dog like Jesus in the wilderness.2021-07-1054 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!Midseason Bonus 2: Police BlotterSome of the Actual Law Crimes that occurred in the town of Swans Crossing on July 6, 1992. Regular eps return on the 10th!2021-07-0310 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!Midseason Bonus 1: Jimmy Clayton - Occult Enigma of the Eastern SeaboardIt's our very first midseason bonus episode! Jimmy is definitely a wizard and here is proof. Regular episodes return July 10!2021-06-1911 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!09 - Actual Law CrimesSaja is high. Jimmy gets dumped. The Countess is having a psychotic break. We have so many feelings about everyone’s outfits. Garrett, Sydney, and Mila get as close as 14-year-olds ever do to having a threesome; it’s very uncomfortable. Happy end of Season 1!2021-06-0553 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!08 - Job Insecurity, No Bike, Left Kinda HornyRich people have a lot of phones. We discover the metaphysical nature of Swans Crossing. JT really pisses Nathan off. Garrett is a creepy, entitled dolphin. A mysterious holographic VHS is delivered to every cool, hip teen in town.2021-05-2949 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!07 - Contractual CuckingCallie and Jimmy tinker and tonker. Neil hates girls, like, A LOT. JT passively upholds the patriarchy. Mila’s room is so intensely pink. Sydney and Garrett have an… uh… “arrangement.”2021-05-2244 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!06 - No One Can Swim With DrumsticksChaos at the docks. Underwater somersaults. Sydney and Garrett are front-page news. Owen has a rich fantasy life. Sofia tells Callie ALL her names. Everyone unwinds with a nice recovery soda. WHAT ABOUT SYDNEY?2021-05-151h 01Gotta Grow Up Sometime!05 - Dendritic ViolenceSydney settles on an outfit. Owen realizes Sandy exists. JT's truest love of all is revealed. Nancy is both evil and back from Aruba. Mila finally shows up in Swans Crossing.2021-05-0848 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!04 - This Swan FvcksThe wheels of Garrett’s intricate plot begin to turn. Neil's radio/phone/pager system has us confused yet intrigued. Sydney is a terrible hostess. Nathan learns about Greek mythology. Never give up.2021-05-0153 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!03 - Racist Mamba JambaThe big stupid head of Fabian. Some Pyramus & Thisbe sh*t. Vehicular innuendo. JT sleeps in a hammock. When life gives you lemons…2021-04-2458 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!02 - A Dreadful ReverieRumors fly about a new girl who's moving to town. Garrett is a prick. Sandy is a doormat.2021-04-1756 minGotta Grow Up Sometime!01 - The Only Place LeftSydney's back. Garrett's back. A mysterious aquatic stranger arrives in SC. Owen got the car.2021-04-101h 20Gotta Grow Up Sometime!TrailerWelcome to the WASPy 90s nightmare world of Swans Crossing.2021-04-0305 min