Shows
Emotional PhysicsThe Elusive Secure Attachment - How can we get it if we were never shown it?Today is the second to last episode of this iteration of the Emotional Physics podcast before we go on a hiatus to welcome Tink's baby! Omgeeeee!Speaking of parenting and families, we answer a poignant listener question about how and if it is possible to go on to have securely attached adult relationships when our parents did not themselves have a healthy relationship. How can we go forth not feeling doomed by our parents' mistakes? Well, listeners, it turns out that secure attachment is a lot more than what we were shown by our parents. We take into...
2025-11-1333 minEmotional PhysicsKink Matching - How to navigate the venn diagram of our most specific desires?Hello listeners! This is our second to last episode of the current season, before we go on baby hiatus! Hiaby? Biatus? Anyway. We answer a listener question on how to handle it when kink preferences don't seem to match up in relationships. Tink offers some very practical ideas related to cock rings and skillful and safer strangulation:https://blog.kinkly.com/what-is-erotic-asphyxiation/Gillian brings her more vanilla energy to the table to help us all remember to consider the unmet need, or maybe even the core wound driving a desire to heal and explore through kink...
2025-10-3031 minEmotional PhysicsThe Capacity To Be AloneThis week we share a MASSIVE LIFE UPDATE for the Emotional Physics family! We also answer a listener question about tolerating alone-ness after a breakup long enough to feel its benefits, rather than leaping into whatever new connection is most accessible to us right after relationship loss. We get extra shrinky today and bring in an old psychoanalytic text on what gives humans the "capacity to be alone" (cited below). It turns out that humans are wired for connection and no one is so good at being fully, perceptually, symbolically, and internally and externally alone. That would be dangerous for...
2025-10-1633 minEmotional PhysicsThe Weak Hinge: Good Boy Syndrome and the related misconception that women were born to calendarIn this week's episode, we answer a question on the "weak hinge" in polyamory relationships. We found ourselves passionately discussing a research study on interpersonal synchrony which drove us into the exploration of the "good boy syndrome" and all ways in which so many folks are deeply afraid of discomfort and hurting feelings. Not to spoil it all, but the conclusion is that if you are gonna be in any kind of relationship you are gonna need to learn how to disappoint and get uncomfortable. Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contactF...
2025-10-0239 minEmotional PhysicsIn many respects the opposite of an episodeHi friends, today is just a quick note to announce that we are moving to an every other week release schedule, so that we can keep bringing you the high quality content you deserve while also keeping up with life as it careens about for us both. We will see you next Thursday with a new episode!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast
2025-09-2501 minEmotional PhysicsWhat Makes for Good Sex? An exploration of generational context, expectations, and M&MsIn this week's episode, we answer a two-part listener question - for one, is sex always at the heart of things people are working through in couples therapy, and for two, if sex is so important why is there data that less of us are having it? We found our way into a discussion on the level of fear surrounding sex in a person's upbringing having a surprising impact on the amount of sex they have, thrilling data that Gen X women are actually one of the only demographics having more and better sex these days (and why that m...
2025-09-1833 minEmotional PhysicsIs My Partner Trying To Help Me, or Control Me? How relationships can foster healthy growth without drifting into manipulation or abuseWell we found ourselves pretty fired up in this week's episode! Here we respond to a listener question on the type of partner change it's appropriate or helpful to ask for. We end up grappling pretty deeply with the conflict between the truth that romantic relationships are often the most profound cauldrons of change and growth in a human lifetime, and the equally visceral truth that TRYING to change a partner can very quickly tip into "uh-oh" territory of control and manipulation. We do our best to own the lived experience we both have that has given us (and thi...
2025-09-1135 minEmotional PhysicsWhat's The Deal With Couples Therapy? Or: If therapists are such good map makers why can't Gillian chart a course from water to glass?In today's episode, Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question from someone feeling alarmed that they have been asked to go to couples therapy by a partner, worrying that this might be a punishment or a sign that the relationship is doomed, and wondering what to expect if they do choose to go. We share on some of our experiences in the couples therapy room both as client and as therapist over the years, and hopefully make the whole experience feel less weird, doomsday, or scary. On the other hand, we note the ways that couples therapy can be...
2025-09-0439 minEmotional Physics"How Can I End Things Ethically After I've Acted so Boyfriendy?" Or: A kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice.This week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question from someone looking for a way to end a relationship skillfully and kindly, especially after the vibe may have communicated long-term intent. We engage in some healthy debate about starting breakup conversations over text, and whether we have a responsibility to inform the person we are planning to break up of our general intent before inviting them on a hang to discuss same. We discuss the absolute pressure cooker of dating in the 30s for folks interested in carrying children, and turn to some vintage Flight of the Conchords for wi...
2025-08-2836 minEmotional PhysicsRe-Release: Cheating Part 2!This episode was originally released in March 2025, however Gillian basically just posted it wrong and it landed in people's feeds weird and as such it got missed by many. We are off from recording for one more week as summer chaos winds up, but we wanted to re-release this so folks can have a chance to figure out how to repair once cheating has occurred! If you haven't listened to Cheating Part 1 yet (from earlier in March 2025) you may want to start there. Fun fact: Cheating Part 2 was also the first appearance of our "Listener Question" jingle, an editing wiz...
2025-08-2137 minEmotional PhysicsHurry Up And Be OK So I Can Be Ok! A survival-brain explanation of codependency, and the ways we can heal our relationships from itTink and Gilly are *back!* For now. We actually will be away once more next week because summer is nuts but THIS WEEK we discuss codependent dynamics in relationships and what to do about them. If codependency can be defined as needing the next person to be ok before we can be ok, where does it come from? What might be we be afraid of that can make it so hard to tolerate any distance or discomfort in relationships? On the way we discuss possums in the freezer and tarps in the gazebo, we review for the gazillionth time some...
2025-08-1432 minEmotional PhysicsMicro-Breakups: On relationships that seem to end just as soon as they have really begun, and how to remain CUNTY throughout. Featuring music by Lambrini Girls!In this week's episode, Tink and Gilly catch up on relationship experiences present and past. Gilly shares her love for the relational freedom anthem of 2025, Lambrini Girls' song Cuntology 101, and an accidental listening party for two that she recently hosted on a dinner date. We field a listener question on Micro-Breakups, or what we call the particular confusion and non-specific ache when relationships end a couple of months in, right when we might have started getting cozy and settling in. We talk about how to grieve the hopes you had perhaps *just* started allowing yourself to have, how to sta...
2025-07-3138 minEmotional PhysicsHow To Ease Into Kink: From talking about talking about it, to getting a dominatrix action figure in your own likenessToday's episode addresses a listener question on how to consider what kink might have to offer them, particularly after a shame-based history around sex from a strict religious upbringing. We bring in shrinky topics like staying within a "window of tolerance" (maybe a tiny bit edgy but very close to the sphere of what feels safe and familiar at first) when expanding after the constriction of a traumatic experience, while also defining some of the basics of what is often considered the realm of kink for those who might be interested but may not have much context. We also ta...
2025-07-2441 minEmotional PhysicsAll My Friends Hate It When I'm In A Relationship! Jumping into the basket of romance without overturning the lettuce display of friendshipIn this week's episode, we catch each other and you the listeners up on our travels over the last few weeks, including an exploration of the high concentration of ex-partners cluttering the grocery stores of the great state of Vermont. We also respond to a listener question about struggles to balance friendship and relationships, and skepticism or withdrawal from friends that can then occur when we get into a new relationship. Tink and Gillian analyze why they themselves have in their youth past lost themselves in relationships and abandoned friendships, only to come crawling back without acknowledgement once in a...
2025-07-1738 minEmotional PhysicsBonus Episode: An unsupervised early conversation on non-monogamy and queernessWe are both on vacation this week, so we took our cues from you, our listeners! Before we got our producer and started recording for real, we spent about a year meeting each week, recording our conversations like wierdos, and honing in on what we wanted the podcast to be about. One such conversation in the summer of 2024 generated some of the clips that have been most popular on our instagram account, and have caused y'all to ask us "Hey, where is the episode with this conversation in it??" Fair enough, friends, so we had our producer do his be...
2025-07-1035 minEmotional PhysicsTopping In The Apocalypse: Atopcalypse? Apocatop?This week Tink and Gillian answer a listener question on the pressure on tops (those who tend to lead, or "do" the action in sexual engagement while bottoms might tend to submit to, allow or receive the action) to perform sexually, and how to handle it in relationships when a top is simply too pooped. Or depressed. Or understandably overwhelmed. By the terrifying times. We are all living in. But especially those of us who don't fit the cookie-cutter societal expectation. In this episode we cover: ADHD-specific clothing destruction tactics, fighting the helplessness and dissociation that unhealthy power...
2025-07-0340 minEmotional PhysicsWhose Business Is This? How, when and why to share sensitive information with new partnersThis week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about how to navigate disclosing things like mental health diagnoses, trauma histories, health information, or anything else that we might feel shame about or might give a partner pause. We discuss considerations of whose business is what based on potential impact at different stages of dating, as well as how to think about sharing what we know about the "care and feeding" of ourselves and our nervous systems, as early as we feel we might really like someone, not out of owing or altruism but actually out of a selfish d...
2025-06-2632 minEmotional PhysicsWho's Doing What and What's Doing to Who? All about threesomes and how we can prepare for and execute them well.Today's show answers a listener question specific to how monogamous coupled-up folks can best prepare for, talk about and have fun with threesomes! We discuss how common this fantasy is, and how important it is to actually start at the level of fantasy when bringing new ideas into the sexual repertoire, including some fun role-play to try before a real third person ever enters the mix. We also discuss how to set healthful and ethical expectations going into a threesome, as well as how to avoid being a dreaded "unicorn hunter" or a coupled-up duo forgetting about the three di...
2025-06-1939 minEmotional PhysicsOnce You Hit Magma You Can Text Them Back: How to navigate blooming into new love while grieving old love?In this episode Tink and Gillian dive into one of our favorite topics which wierdly enough is actually grief! But before you fear that this episode will be a huge downer, take heart because this episode is actually about:1. Finding the wisdom, relief, stillness and "aha" quality of grief2. Courageously relinquishing the idea that you need to be healed before finding new love3. Developing a map of positive signs that you are ready to date while grieving4. Recognizing that grief is a shared human experience both bigger than but also more c...
2025-06-1235 minEmotional PhysicsLonely vs. Alone: How can we carry our seasons of single-hood with grace and panache?In this episode, Tink and Gillian answer a question from a listener who is choosing a single life right now, but is wondering how to sit wisely with loneliness when it arises. We discuss aloneness versus loneliness, and take a look at our cave person/survival brain's tendency to create the negative experience of loneliness by telling us that we must be alone due to having been rejected, punished, or otherwise left to be eaten by the wildebeests. We discuss therapy tools from modalities like Internal Family Systems therapy and somatic therapy to both interrogate and find compassion for lo...
2025-06-0535 minEmotional PhysicsDating In The Wild: How do you connect with cuties in real life?In this episode Tink schools Gillian, and our listening community, on how on earth she seems to have such an easy time meeting cute sweeties in real life. Gillian identifies some things that have tended to hold her back in doing this, in particular middle-school lingering fears of rejection, or even of it being shameful to be a human in the world with eyes and ears who might potentially look at or jump into the conversation of someone else in a public space. Together, we discuss some psychological ideas about confidence, authenticity, and balancing discernment with loving like you ca...
2025-05-2941 minEmotional PhysicsFightin' Words: How can we level up the fighting style to make our relationships powerful cauldrons of growth and maturation?In this episode we address fighting, a big topic as far as both listener questions and our couples therapy practices. We discuss ways that we actually are in favor of fighting at times, and note that a fight with a healthy repair can create even more strength in a relationship than never having had any rupture (rip in the fabric of harmony and getting along) at all. As always we share some of our own stories to illustrate topics like:- How fights with partners are uniquely positioned to illuminate our blind spots and give us...
2025-05-2243 minEmotional PhysicsMountain Dew Donuts and Fiat Flamingos: Why partners embarrass us sometimes and how we can handle itIn this episode, we take a look at the theme of embarrassment in relationships, based on several listener questions on the topic including:1. How can I get my partner to stop being so embarrassing?2. Why is my partner so embarrassed by me?and3. Why do I find myself roasting or trying to embarrass my partner sometimes when I know this isn't cool behavior?As always Tink and Gillian share some tales of their own historical foibles and what they have learned from them. We also bring in some neurological...
2025-05-1533 minEmotional PhysicsHelp I Have A Huge Crush On My Friend!In this week's episode we discuss the universally human and hurts-so-good phenomenon of pining after someone who is already our friend. We have gotten several different questions on this topic and WE GET IT being serial-friend-crushers ourselves. We do our best to get to all of it in this episode including:1. Should I tell my friend I have a crush on them? If so, how? Is it bad not to tell them?2. Is there a way to tell if my friend is also crushing on me?3. Why do I keep getting crushes on my f...
2025-05-0840 minEmotional PhysicsWhy romance can make us all a bit harebrained and how to let it in without wrecking your lifeIn this episode we answer a listener question from someone who finds themselves avoiding their romantic longings out of fear that love might, once again, wreck the many awesome things going on in their independent life. We talk about the neurobiology of how and why a big romantic spark can make humans feel both so disoriented and so vulnerable. Gillian brings out the super shrinky psychoanalytic theory to identify how new relationship energy can even dissolve people into a regressed infantile state at times, causing us to misperceive any old hottie as some idealized partner/caregiver who is perfectly a...
2025-05-0139 minEmotional PhysicsYou Can't Say That About My Mom: Why in-law conversations so often go south and what to do insteadIn this episode Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about discussing within a partnership things about each others' family patterns that we don't want to repeat in our present-day dynamic. Risky business, folks! We considered:Why the childhood survival brain makes people so reactive to criticism of their parents How to "go first" acknowledging the challenges of your own family of origin before offering feedback on your partners' parentsTaking a balanced look together at the gifts and drawbacks of the dynamics of each partner's family and cross-referencing these against shared values and intentions for the futureWhy we hav...
2025-04-2442 minEmotional PhysicsWhen Is It Time To Leave a Relationship?Today Tink and Gillian answer a listener question about how to determine when a relationship needs to end? How do we figure this out for ourselves? And when would we how would we ever reflect to close friends if we have a sense that their relationship might need to end? As always we start with some tangential tales, this time including parrots and dolphins, but we swing right around to foundational ideas like:1. The telltale signs of "Wrong Life Syndrome" 2. The personal factors as far as wellness, values, and what you want a given relationship to "...
2025-04-1740 minEmotional PhysicsCommitment Beyond The Norm: Without the assumptions of a heteronormative relationship escalator, how can we figure out where to go next in our partnerships?In today's episode Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question on navigating casual sex, situationships, and considering deeper commitment outside the standard box of the heteronormative expectation and timeline. We discuss pontoon boats, the plural of moose, and the attachment styles of ghosts. Even still, we arrive at some ideas for how you can deeply inquire of yourself what you truly want and need, taking into account your current capacity, desire, and sense of easefulness and expressiveness for and with those you are around. We also discuss common pitfalls as far as an un-interrogated need to be chosen, an...
2025-04-1038 minEmotional PhysicsEverlasting Lust: How can sexual heat be maintained as relationships age? And what do we do when it can't?Rebekah and Gillian explore a listener question on the relationship between lust and love, and the common predicament of dwindling lust in a long term relationship. Discoveries include: Some evolutionary psych intel on the different instinctual drives of hunting versus nesting and how these might relate to different kinks as well as ebbs and flows in lustA relationship anarchy lens on combing out and giving equal weight to the platonic, romantic, and sexual elements of our closest bondsThe role having kids with someone can play in amping up the "family" brainwaves of relationships and confusing or muting the "lu...
2025-04-0334 minEmotional PhysicsCheating Part 2: But wait, is there a way forward after cheating? How do people repair?Rebekah and Gillian come back to finish the conversation on cheating, with the important element of how they have seen couples successfully repair after infidelity. Personal responsibility and accountability, as well as distress tolerance seem to be the superpowers used by partners we have seen be successful in learning from, healing from, and growing together after betrayal. We talk about needing to be perfect in front of a partner, and unprocessed shame in general, as both a risk factor for cheating in the first place, and a block to repairing afterward. We also discuss some reasonably unhinged strategies for bur...
2025-03-2636 minEmotional PhysicsCheating Part 1: What is cheating, really, and can it be prevented?Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about cheating by taking a look at:What kinds of “cheating” (really, betrayal) exist in relationships from the sexual to even the financial or informational! We consider how relationship agreements can help to clarify what cheating really means for each partnership, and how can we normalize talking about these agreements early and often before painful confusion, accidental, or plausibly-deniable betrayal come into the picture. We also talk about that darn amygdala/survival brain and how unmet needs can pair with unexamined fears leading us down the path of sneaky or damagin...
2025-03-2041 minEmotional PhysicsFinding freedom in relationship and why non-monogamy isn't always the solution we might expectIn today’s episode Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about the dismay of finding that non-monogamous relationship structures can sometimes end up feeling just as confining and trapping as monogamous structures! So disappointing! What’s a seeker of liberated love to do? Rebekah and Tink share some ideas, identifying how a sense of feeling trapped in relationship is likely less about number of partners, and more about the unexamined questions of “what is it that I feel I can’t do, in this relationship? Where did I get that idea? What would it take for me to check th...
2025-03-1338 minEmotional PhysicsCan I Get A Witness: A psychological deep-dive on the validation we seek from romantic partnersGillian gets into a vortex of shrinky theory (she does this a lot) and brings in Kohut's theory of Self Psychology, which defines some primary things that children need to get from their caregivers to develop well. Today we focus on the first of these which is "mirroring," or a caregiver's ability to reflect back to a child that they are loved and special because GUESS WHAT, how this did or didn't happen for us will directly impact the ways that we will crave to be witnessed and seen by our romantic partners! Gillian and Tink reflect on their ow...
2025-03-0634 minEmotional PhysicsDopamine Dragons and Spacious Starts: How not to lose yourself in your relationshipIn this episode, Gillian and Tink answer a listener's question about individuality in relationship, and how to maintain independence and connection to self while in a committed, monogamous relationship. They dive deep into the theme of family systems and "individuation" or: how it worked or didn't work to be our own people in the company of the adults who raised us and how autonomy was or wasn't nurtured. They answer questions like: "How do we avoid enmeshment?" "How do we stay present in our bodies and authentically grounded while in romantic attachments?" So often we lose connection to our ow...
2025-02-2735 minEmotional PhysicsIt’s an I Believe You Party and everyone’s invited!Patterns of codependency and manipulation can really sneak into romantic relationships despite the best intentions of all involved. An "I Believe You" Party is one of our favorite tools to keep thinking clearly, to honor ourselves, to stay in our own business, let go of the pressure to convince the other person of anything including our own worth, and to treat partners with compassion even during conflict. We can throw this party for ourselves and/or a partner when we accept and offer acknowledgement that someone’s position is their position, even if we don’t like or agree with...
2025-02-2042 minEmotional PhysicsWhat is Emotional Physics and who are Rebekah and Gillian?In this episode Rebekah Tinker and Gillian Boudreau introduce themselves, and this: The question-based podcast exploring all things romance, love and lust particularly within non-traditional containers and setups. Rebekah and Gillian share some of their own personal journeys both as couples therapists and as at times whilrlwindy humans navigating relationships. They also share some central themes of an approach to honest, responsive, liberated love that they hope will inspire you to reach out with questions! Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast
2025-02-1226 min