Shows
Sex for SaintsModesty & The For Strength of Youth: A Collaboration with Zach SpaffordIn this episode, I talk with my good friend and fellow life coach Zach Spafford about modesty and the new For the Strength of Youth guide. We talk about why this new guide is a step in the right direction when we’re speaking to our youth about modesty and living the Gospel. How we need to let go of some of the old traditions we were raised with when it comes to modesty and embrace a new way of looking at things. With examples from our own lives, this is a very interesting episode that you won’t want...2022-11-0455 min
Thrive Beyond PornographyNew podcast DirectionHey, everybody welcome to our podcast I think you guys probably noticed something that there was no intro music. did you did you guys notice that did you notice that Darcy I don't know because I can't hear it. So. If you notice that there was no welcome to episode number 163 this is the one hundred and sixty third episode of our podcast the podcast that I've been producing since October of 2019 so that's kind of cool and you probably notice that there's no intro music or intro. Whatever. That we usually hear every time you turn on the...2022-10-1714 minThrive Beyond PornographyPrinciples and the New FSY GuideSet a Free consultation with Zach at zachspafford.com/workwithzach2022-10-0324 minThrive Beyond PornographyOvercoming Pornography is Possible-True StoryHear the true and amazing story of Jon, a client who's work with Zach gave him the freedom from pornography that he's been trying for years. 2022-06-2753 minThrive Beyond PornographyHow we talk about pornography matters, here is why.-Interview with Latter-Day Life Coaches -In this interview with Latter-day Life Coaches, Zach discusses changing the Narrative around pornography and pornography addiction to help us create a shameless conversation geared toward overcoming pornography and utilizing the agency inherent in all of us. If you would like to learn more, check out zachspafford.com/blog2022-05-1148 minThrive Beyond PornographyFamilies are Being Torn Apart By Pornography UseJoin Zach and Darcy as they discuss an email they received about pornography use. Listen to more episodes at zachspafford.com/blog2022-05-0947 min
Latter-day Life Coaches69. Changing Our Narrative About Pornography with Zach SpaffordWhenever we discuss pornography use in the Church we often refer to it as an “addiction” but coach Zach Spafford thinks this is an innacurate description of what is happening and one that needs to change. Zach feels the narrative around pornography use needs to change so that we can allow for agency and mistakes. When we can come to accept that all of us were sent to earth to use our agency and that mistakes are part of that agency, then we can come to view those who look at pornography in a much better...2022-04-2646 minThrive Beyond PornographyBeing a Forever Porn Addict Is ExhaustingI was working with a client this week and he said something that really struck me. He said, the work that we had been doing made him think that he was less depressed, more hopeful, no longer part of the addict class.This got me thinking. When I was attending 12 step meetings and saying, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m a porn addict” the message of being an addict was clear. Once a porn addict, always a porn addict. I don’t know...2022-04-1814 minThrive Beyond PornographyChoice Point To Overcome PornographyIf you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithmeHey, everybody, and welcome to another beautiful mastery Monday here on the SelfMastery podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford.Listen, I got something for you guys. I'm here to help you overcomepornography. You guys know that right? I just want to let you know that there'ssome stuff that's gonna change.That's all. I'm not going to tell you what it is...2022-03-0509 minThrive Beyond PornographyIntimacy Requires Risk - The Secret to Intimacy Series: Chapter 4 of 5We live in a world that is really good at presenting itself to us in ways that are designed to get our appr oving likes, hearts, shares, and follows. In talking about the ways that we use other-validated intimacy last week, we began to understand what it is and how we might be working to get it from others. We didn’t really talk about why that might be a problem. Relationships built on other-validation create cycle of self-presentation for validation, which eventually breaks down when one or more of the people involved don’t want...2022-02-2137 minThrive Beyond PornographyImproving marital intimacy when overcoming pornography - The Secret to Intimacy Series: Chapter 3 of 5The concept of validation is not a complicated one, but it is a huge part of how we show up in our lives and how we can understand how to better feel the love that we want for ourselves. The way we seek validation will also help us understand how pornography has been playing a part in our self soothing process. I am going to lean on Dr. David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” for the definitions of these two concepts and then we are going to talk about what they mean in the context of pornog...2022-02-1424 minThrive Beyond PornographyReorganize to Overcome Pornography - The Secret to Intimacy Series: Chapter 1 of 5The path to greater freedom. Four part series. For the month of february we are going to talk about Love - but not in the way that you think…This month, love is going to be about our capacity for great freedom if we are willing to love and be loved through the process of understanding some concepts that you may not be familiar with. We are going to talk about How to use these concepts to improve your ability to love and feel loved by others will be a central focus of our conversations aroun...2022-01-3136 minThrive Beyond PornographyCouples overcoming pornography - Client Interview - Eric and JackieIf you are looking for help in eliminating pornography from your marriage, this podcast is for you. Zach and Darcy Spafford helped Eric and Jackie overcome pornography in their marriage. Visit zachspafford.com to set up your 30 minuter consult with Zach or Darcy.2022-01-2444 minThrive Beyond PornographyBetrayal Trauma, Overcoming Pornography, Infidelity, and Sex - with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-FifeThe Self Mastery Podcast is dedicated to helping Latter-day Saints overcome pornography. Men and women struggle with overcoming pornography.This podcast draws on the real-life experiences of the hosts, Zach and Darcy in their struggle to overcome pornography, strengthen their marriage, and grow personally.If you want to know what real success looks like in overcoming pornography from real people who have been where you are, then this podcast is for you. The interviews with real clients who have succeeded, the amazing skills, techniques, and systems that are shared, and the real-world experiences of the...2022-01-0350 minThrive Beyond PornographyAccountability AppsIn this episode we discuss the accountability app question of one of my clients and help him come to a place where he is living his best life without pornography. If you have struggled with pornography and are ready to quit, this is the podcast for you. Porn affects so many men and women and now you have a way to quit for good and forever. Come listen to Zach and, when you are ready, sign up for his once a year Group Coaching by clicking HERE.Overcome porn for good in your...2021-12-2723 min
The Receive Experience12. Interview with Zach SpaffordSummary:
Listen in on my conversation with Zach Spafford, a life coach dedicated to helping men overcome their addiction to pornography.
He became a life coach in 2019 and within a year made over $100k, all while being the father of 8 kids.
Zach’s story will help you see the importance of becoming highly uncomfortable to build a successful business. His story highlights the skills needed to get out there and make things happen.
What you’ll learn:
The story behind his decision to become an entrepreneur
Struggles he encountered on his way...2021-08-2051 minThrive Beyond PornographyWives Wednesday - Compassion, Empathy, and LoveWelcome to another bonus addition of wives Wednesday!I am so excited to be here and talk to guy guys today.Today I wanted to talk about how to create more compassion empathy and love for both you and your spouse.When a love one struggles with pornography it often creates very big emotions for both partners..IF you follow us on Instagram you might have seen the post I wrote that said The more time we can spend creating compassion, e...2021-08-1116 minThrive Beyond PornographyHealthy SexualityHealthy sexuality is not a fear based avoidance of difficult sexual topics. We need to teach our children swimming skills- Agency- Repentance- AtonementWe need to model the skills of healthy sexuality with our kids. Want to work with Zach or Darcy. Set up a consult at zachspafford.com/workwithme2021-06-0720 min
IMPACT: Parenting with PerspectiveGROWTH THROUGH TOUGH PARENTING MOMENTS WITH ZACH SPAFFORD"Send Ben a text"What Tough Parenting Moments DO & DON'T Mean Becoming a Professional Parent No one shames professional athletes for working to improve themselves. We actually respect them for their dedication and hard work. Don't let others hold you back because of their thoughts or their shame. You can improve as a parent with dedication and hard work. I Should vs I Want vs I Will vs I AM!Should doesn't serve us. It holds us back.An up g...2021-06-0344 minThrive Beyond PornographyClimbing Life's MountainsRegister for webinar https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_HgvmOmyPQn-fY2bDTWPjTwThe other day Zac h and I went hiking up Shadow Mountain with our 4 little kids. Just to get up to the base of the “Mountain” you have to climb up two very steep hills. The two toddlers were complaining about their legs being tired before we even got to the base..As we started to climb the “mountain” my brain started thinking in metaphors and how this hike up this “mountain” was a great metaphor for all the challenges we experienc...2021-05-2328 min
Latter-day Life CoachesHope: Overcoming the Teen Pornography Struggle with Zach SpaffordThis is another fantastic episode in our Teen Series. Today, coach Zach Spafford joins us to talk about teens and pornography and how we can help our children embrace their agency and make choices that align with their values, rather then feeling inadequate and unable to handle pornography. More from Zach: To work with Zach: zachspafford.com/workwithme Self Mastery Podcast: https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast Link to Zach’s free “Awesome Stuff”: https://www.zachspafford.com/thestuff All content is copyrighted to Heather Rackham and featured coaches. Do not use...2021-05-1138 minThrive Beyond PornographyFaith and Prayer in eliminating Pornography - Part 1Download the talk Zach mentioned on the podcast free. https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebie2021-04-1113 min
Listen, Learn & Love Hosted by Richard OstlerEpisode 376: Darcy and Zach Spafford, Zach’s 25+ Year Porn Struggles, Solved. Now Helping OthersMy friends Darcy and Zach Spafford, active LDS and parents of 8, join us to talk about Zach’s 25-year journey to solve porn. Darcy and Zach, who has been clean for 5+ years and serves in his Bishopric, share how they solved unwanted pornography use in their marriage and how they help others do the same.
If you would like to learn more about them and their journey check them out at the resources below.
The Self Mastery Podcast ttps://self-mastery-podcast.captivate.fm/listen
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/zachspafford.selfmasterycoach/
Website https://www.zachspafford.com/
Free Roadmap download https://www.za...2021-01-271h 00Thrive Beyond PornographyThree Keys For How to Make Your Wife HappyYour happiness is within reachI used to think that darcy could make me happy. I thought that if I could just make her happy enough then she would, in turn, make me happy. Seemed simple enough. I used to do pretty much whatever she wanted. I would let her get things that I thought we didn’t need. I would do whatever it took to make her life as comfortable as possible. I...2021-01-1125 minThrive Beyond Pornography5 Keys to Trust AgainFirst, we want to announce here on the podcast that this is the year! Darcy and I have built a world class membership for you and your loved ones to come and make 2021 your year to finally put pornography behind you and as a special offer, you can be a founding member for less than the cost of one date night each month. Get a year pass as a founding member, lock in this price forever, and make 2021 the year you stop feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed and start feeling more confident, fulfilled and successful! ...2020-12-1333 minThrive Beyond Pornography- About Intimacy with Amanda LouderJoin the Mastery Membership at Founder Pricing by going to zachspafford.com2020-12-0936 minThrive Beyond PornographyA Young Woman Struggles with Pornography UseThis interview with Ashlee Ayre is meant to give hope and a path forward to anyone who is dealing with pornography use in their life as a teen. 2020-12-0733 minThrive Beyond PornographyDemand Your Spouse Changezachspafford.com/thestuff for the mini course for wives mentioned in today's show. 2020-11-3018 minThrive Beyond PornographyYour Brain is a LiarYour brain is probably lying to youOne of the things that happens when we start down the path of buffering is that our brains will tell us things that are not true. It will try subtle phrases that it knows have worked in the past and that have taken you down the path of your buffer before. It does this because a little lie is ok most of the time and especially if it is said to make someone feel ok. You...2020-11-2311 min
What Now21. Breaking Free From Pornography I Zach Spafford, shares how to break the vicious cycleJoin me as I speak with behavior coach, Zach Spafford, about his personal journey with pornography and how he overcame a 25 year. habit. He shares important strategies on how to break the negative cycle and recognize our personal power as well as important advice for spouses, parents and friends on how to help someone who is struggling in a way that leads to lasting change. Zach also shares tips on how to communicate effectively with our loved ones who struggle to create a positive outcome, free from shame and guilt.2020-11-1948 minThrive Beyond PornographyClient Interview With Eric and Jackie - The Impact of CoachingAn interview with Eric and Jackie, a couple who has been coached by Zach and Darcy through pornography issues in their marriage.https://www.zachspafford.com/freecallhttps://www.zachspafford.com/workwithmehttps://calendly.com/masterycoach/30-min-consult-darcy?month=2020-112020-11-1643 minThrive Beyond PornographyMotivation isn't as helpful as tiny habitsMotivation and willpower aren’t enough. When I was about 14 years old I told myself that I wasn’t going to do this any more. I knew what I was doing was not really something that I wanted to be doing but felt like I had to just get the right motivation and put some willpower to it and it would be done. I could quit this. I wanted to be the kind of kid who didn’t have to feel ashamed of who I was when people weren’t looking. This was around...2020-11-0913 minThrive Beyond PornographyConnect with what you truly wantWelcome to another beautiful mastery Monday, this is the Monday before election day. Please go vote. Regardless of what your political views are, be a part of the conversation, vote. Our 4 year old, Felicity came to me and said “My belly is saying food, I listened and I can hear it talking inside my body. It says it wants pasta or a sandwich”· When felicity said this my mind immediately turned to how applicable this story is to all the different behaviors we use to feel something different. And how when we are buffering we are...2020-11-0220 min
A Light In the DarknessA Light In the Darkness Episode 19 - Zach SpaffordIn this episode I talk to Zach Spafford about his pornography use, that started when he was just 8 years old and accidentally exposed to a magazine at a playground. Zach tells us of his own experiences, but also shares insightful thoughts and tools he has learned along the way that can help us in many areas of our lives. Zach is a veteran life coach with years of experience helping others improve their lives, their businesses and their families.
As a Certified Life Coach through The Life Coach School, a Be Bold Masters Trained and Coach Incubator inaugural class coach Zach...2020-10-2840 minThrive Beyond PornographyDon't Give Away Your Power To Be HappyHave you ever been upset by someone who wasn't behaving how you thought they should. Take a listen to this week's Mastery Monday.Sign up for the webinar zachspafford.com/freecall2020-10-2616 minThrive Beyond PornographyAbdication v delegationAbdication v delegationI’m releasing this while I’m walking down a slot canyon somewhere in southern Ut so if you want to get together with me while I’m here, feel free to message me on Instagram zachspafford.theselfmasterycoach I love angelicas, the peruvian chicken place or even the Indian place. On Friday two weeks ago I was in my weekly meeting with my friend Jody Moore, talking about interrupting mirroring and anthropomorphizing and all the fun stuff that we coaches talk about behind closed doors and as the discussion progres...2020-10-1908 minThrive Beyond PornographyLearn Something, Move ForwardLearn Something, Move ForwardTaking stock of lapses by learning something and moving forward is the only way to put it behind you.Each time we do the thing we promised we would never do again we tend to beat ourselves up. We often treat it like we are never going to get past it, we think we are lost, unworthy and powerless.That wallowing and self pitying approach keeps us from learning. It keeps us from figuring out the next thing we need to learn to move forward with life in a...2020-10-1214 minThrive Beyond PornographyHow do I know I'm ready to change?zachspafford.com/freecallHow can I tell that I’m ready to change?Costs outweigh the benefits. - Buffering provides something- Acknowledge those benefits.- How do you want to feel when you think about pornography- “Client said, I want to feel disgusted.”- That doesn’t acknowledge what pornography has done for you- - That also doesn’t acknowledge what it is costing you- It is just a judgement that makes you feel disgusted because you like pornography- So, honestly acknowledgi...2020-10-0514 minThrive Beyond PornographyHow much power does pornography have?Webinar: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/1016012548152/WN_9v9d7yYxTtyZ9RVzLRmJ3gHow much power does pornography have?So many of us want pornography to have no power over husbands, over our children, over our own lives.Yet, so many of us allow pornography to have so much power over us. Why? Let’s just talk, for a minute about the attractive capacity of pornography. Let’s be honest – the human body...2020-09-2827 minThrive Beyond PornographyBelieving you are an addictIf you’ve ever been to a 12 step meeting you’ve heard the phrase, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m an addict”.·Almost everyone I’ve worked with thinks they’re “addicted to porn”.·What if, instead of believing, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m an addict” we believed something else. ·I used to think that I was addicted to pornography, there was something in my brain that made it so I would return to pornography because I was “powerless against my addiction”. ·I hated it. ·2020-09-2115 minThrive Beyond PornographyThe Last Time I Started Down the Rabbit HoleThis episode we talk about the most important turning point in our relationship. How things changed for my wife in a way that allowed her to be there in a moment that previously would have been a blow out fight.2020-09-1323 minThrive Beyond PornographyGet on the MapDownload the roadmap free here: zachspafford.com/roadmapSign up for my free webinar here:https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/1515981173927/WN_9S9QoOmaQwW8fiFYXFYE8gGet on the mapFree webinar on Sunday Sept 13 at 830 Mt time. When I lived in Alaska my friends and I loved to go out into the woods and campI loved the ferns. I loved the birch trees that had such great bark for starting f...2020-09-0630 min
Confidence Coaching with Heidi BenjaminsenEp. 56 Talking To Teens About Pornography: Interview with Zach SpaffordPornography is very accessible to our teens and we need to have the tools to talk to them about it. Heidi interviews certified life coach Zach Spafford, who specializes in helping men overcome addictive behaviors, for insight into having conversations with our teens. Zach gives incredibly useful tools on what to say, what NOT to say or do (freak out!), why our brains like pornography and hope if anyone you know struggles with this over-desire.2020-09-0259 minThrive Beyond PornographyLive Your Best Life!Sign up for a free webinar zachspafford.com/freecall2020-08-3018 minThrive Beyond PornographyOwn your life - 3 keyshttps://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/1515981173927/WN_9S9QoOmaQwW8fiFYXFYE8gMastering pornography means dealing with discomfortA lot of my clients come to me with this one question, why do I behave one way, when I believe I should behave another. A lot of you are listening to this podcast because of pornography use, but this work and all the principles apply to any unwanted behavior that you might be engaging in. But I’m going to use the example of pornography. We ask, “why do I turn t...2020-08-2426 min
Resentment-Free Relationships76. Pornography Myths with Zach SpaffordPornography myths in the LDS Culture with Zach Spafford. Zachspafford.com2020-08-2120 minThrive Beyond PornographyThe Day I Lost My JobJoin this month's webinar, Register Here:https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJALet me tell you about the day I lost my job. It was Mother’s Day and the person that let me go was also my best friend. He let me go because he had hired me to do a job that I wasn't qualified for and I didn't provide him any real value other than he liked having me around. Now his company was going through a rough patch and I needed...2020-08-1610 minResentment-Free Relationships75. Self Mastery with Zach Spafford Zach Spafford discusses the topic of self mastery and how it can help you be happy with yourself. Zach specializes in how to break through barriers holding you back from becoming who you want to be. If you want to stop being controlled by the urges in your life. Reach out on zachspafford.com or @zachspafford.selfmasterycoach2020-08-1430 minThrive Beyond PornographyWhat role are you playingRegister for this month's webinar:https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJAzachspafford.comThere are three natural roles that we tend to gravitate to in our relationships with others. Steven Karpman codified these in what he called the drama triangle. Understanding how these roles work can really help each of us figure out where we are in this space and then, ultimately move out of the triangle into the fourth role that is where we all want to...2020-08-0918 min
Pivot Parenting: Expert Tips for Navigating Teen and Tween Challenges18. Pornography+Teens with special guest: Zach SpaffordAs a parent of teens, we can't leave the topic of pornography unaddressed. In this episode, I will introduce you to Zach Spafford, a certified life coach that specializes in overcoming pornography. We discuss common misconceptions, how to educate and help your teen, and what not to do. To learn more about Zach, you can visit his website, https://www.zachspafford.com/ To learn more about working with me, please visit www.heatherfrazier.com2020-08-0454 minThrive Beyond PornographyWho you think you are, who you are and who you want to beFollow this link to get the download Zach Takes about during the podcast. https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebieJoin us for this month's free webinar : https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJAwho we think we are, Who we are and who we want to be. This week one of my clients was talking about his life and the choices he had madeHis story, the thing that he believed about his life was, “I didn’t have the courage to make a different choice”2020-08-0317 minThrive Beyond Pornography17 Amazing Lessons From 17 Years of MarriageRegister for the webinar on August 19 at 7 pm Central.https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA17TH ANNIversary edition. Happy anniversary, This week, in honor of our anniversary, 17 things we’ve learned in our marriage. 1. Number one marriage takes worka. 2. we can do hard things 3. It takes commitment4. stay calm5. follow your path6. assume the best7. : support and encourage your partner. 8. believe in yourself2020-07-2646 minThrive Beyond PornographyHow to know if you can trust your spouse againThis is how you can register for the webinar. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJAor you can go straight to my website:https://www.zachspafford.com/freecallThis is the link to Brene Brown's YouTube video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EXMsKZAeL0- Brene brown is talks about this in her SUPERSOUL SESSIONS: THE ANATOMY OF TRUST .- First, Brené references Charles Feltman work on trust and uses his definition. - Which is, ‘trust is choosing to make something important to...2020-07-1935 minThrive Beyond PornographyBonus Episode- Pain pursues pleasure, with my friend Diana SwillingerPain that we feel often drives us to pursue pleasure. dianaswillinger.com2020-07-1627 minThrive Beyond PornographyWanting vs Committed- Do you really want to or is there a part of you that isn’t willing to let it go yet?- Choosing to do this on purpose.- Not waiting until you never look at porn to have the confidence to be a free person- Commitment vs wanting – if you want something that doesn’t mean you will be able to get it.- To want is to desire or wish for something – there is no action required – it is passive- Wanting is really easy – all you have to do is think “I want this”- ...2020-07-1222 minThrive Beyond Pornography4 Simple steps to stop using pornography#addictionrecoveryzachspafford.com/workwithme1. Write down the websites you will visit that daya. Writing down the websites gives your higher brain control over the situation. b. Why not just write the sites you won’t visit – there are too many to countc. If that day you visit a site that leads to pornography use, evaluate that site for tomorrow. d. 2. Only visit those sitesa. What if I have to visit a site that isn’t on my list for the day? ...2020-07-0518 minThrive Beyond PornographyYour brain is working perfectlyYou can set up a consultation with me here:zachspafford.com/workwithmeHere's the link to the webinar for July 2020:https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/3515928863411/WN_OJSUbCHSQGi0Ap7WPDC8jg#masterymonday#addictionrecovery#theselfmasterypodcast#latterdaysaintsdealingwithpornographyinmarraige#LDS #latterdaysaints #pornographyrecovery#sarecovery#ldssa#12steps2020-06-2923 minThrive Beyond PornographyTriggers - a conversation with Darcyregister for this month's webinarhttps://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/3515928863411/WN_OJSUbCHSQGi0Ap7WPDC8jghttp://zachspafford.com.safechkout.net/pricinghttps://www.zachspafford.com/workwithme- What about, giving him sex so he doesn’t act out?o Control v partnershipo - Seeing other women and being worried it will lead to pornography?o The beacho The fro yo place o - Controlling devices and checking upo Accountability partner – webinar question#addictionrecovery...2020-06-2240 minThrive Beyond PornographyLet me tell you how you should behavehttps://calendly.com/habitcoachz/30minconsultJoin my Monthly webinar:zachspafford.com/freecall#addictionrecovery#theselfmasterypodcast2020-06-1425 minThrive Beyond PornographyFour Secret Steps To Help Your Spouse Stop Using PornographyIf you want to register for the webinar to help decondition urges and stop using pornography follow this link: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZItcu2vqz4iEtwha5erXQmdgBu9xHjMWQwrIf you want to set up a free consult so you can be in the July 1 Group Coaching Program follow this link: https://calendly.com/habitcoachz/30-min-consult-clone1. Choose loveSo often those who are dealing with spouses that have chosen addictive behavior feel like we are supposed to punish their behavior. In doing that, we lose the perspective of love that we once ha...2020-06-0829 minThrive Beyond PornographyWillpower is the wrong toolEvery time I meet with a client I hear something along these lines. I try to stop but I just can’t – I have been fighting through this my whole life – My whole world is burning down because of this addiction. I am keeping it at bay, but I want to be free from this.This is the place most of us go to when we try to stop a habit in our lives. Most of us try to use willpower to change our habitsIn fact, I get comments l...2020-06-0118 minThrive Beyond PornographyPain now or Pain LaterPain now or later. Almost every time I get a new client the first thing that they learn is that they have been putting off their pain. Each of us has discomfort that we deal with on a regular basis. Pain comes in lots of forms, some more painful in a moment than others. Some are physical pains like going to the dentist and others are emotional pain like loneliness. The thing is, that when we avoid painful things in search of short term happiness and pleasure...2020-05-2412 minThrive Beyond PornographyLetting go of ControlWhy we use pornography even when we don’t want to.When we try to control our feelings the results begin to overwhelm us. The paradox of controlOn a personal level, it refers to the phenomenon by which the harder a person tries to control something, the more difficult it becomes to exercise that control. Examples that are often given of this phenomenon are: (1) the harder you try to fall a sleep, the more difficulty you have actually falling asleep; (2) the harder you try to stop thinking about something, the more you thi...2020-05-1723 minThrive Beyond PornographyFocusing on What IsWhat is, not what should beAll good stories start at 330 am right. September 15 2001, just a few days after the September 11th terrorist attack, my missionary companion, the other two elders in our apartment and I were sound asleep in our seventh floor flat two blocks from the piazza garibaldi train station in naples Italy. On the minds of each of us was this great tragedy that had just changed the face of the world and as we slept we subconsciously thought of all the loss and fear and hatred and pain th...2020-05-1018 minThrive Beyond PornographyFear is holding you backMaking decisions from a place of fear. What is fear and why do we often make decisions from a place of fear rather than from a place of abundance?Fear of missing outNot having enoughFailureNot being conservative enoughHow is fear different than caution and how can we tell the difference?What is it about making a decision from a place of fear vs abundance that makes o...2020-05-0323 minThrive Beyond PornographyWhy would my husband lie to me?Why Would my Husband Lie to me? And other questions Wives ask when their spouse uses pornography.Over the last couple of weeks my wife and I have had a number of conversations with a new client and his wife.They had enrolled in my 13 week course and after one session she hadn’t felt like she had seen any changes.This was hard for her because she was dealing with so much pain, so much frustration and so much heartache that his recovery from pornography use was eating away at her. S...2020-04-2629 minThrive Beyond Pornography4 Secrets to having more joy in your life.- The sun is setting and the kids are out making the gleeful noises that signal an amazing day is ending.- It’s about bed time and I am sitting down to record- Thinking, what is the skill the thing that my audience needs help mastering this week? - What can I bring to them.- That they might have joy – 2 ne 25- Opposition in all things 2 ne 11- Taking new meaning- Ask clients, what percentage of life should you feel good?- 90%, 75% 60/40- Major reason...2020-04-1917 minThrive Beyond PornographyAccountability is Awesome- The more accountability we take for our experience here – what happens to us, what we create, what we see as external or internal struggles – the more choices we haveo This is about ownershipo Ownership creates power and choice- This isn’t about what you’re noto Come from negative placeo Not strong enougho Not smart enougho Not disciplined enougho That is all blame and fault findingo Blame and fault finding are shame basedo - H...2020-04-1320 minThrive Beyond Pornography3 Questions that I ask when someone says, "I'm an addict"Does it matter whether you are an addict?Does it abdicate your agency? Does that thought serve you? - Does thinking it make you more likely to stop using pornography?2020-04-0620 minThrive Beyond PornographyEmotions are a lot like bearsThe urges are taking over my life – or that is kind of what a lot of us are feeling right now.For a lot of us this last 2 weeks have been really challenging.A lot of us are feeling trapped, stuck, and cooped upThis is driving a lot of behavior that we have not used to buffer in a long time.For some of us it is eating –A lot of people are going to pornography – the data indicating that people are visiting illicit sites indicat...2020-03-2922 minThrive Beyond PornographyGetting Things Done - Bonus episodeIs the corona virus lockdown getting you down, here is something to help you be your most productive self. There's even a free download https://www.zachspafford.com/getitdone2020-03-2508 minThrive Beyond PornographyI feel love in spite of the corona virusLove –As papi to 8 children I have been regularly faced with a significant load in trying to connect with my kids.There is a lot that happens in life, there is a lot of living that 10 people do in one house, so there is constantly something to wash, clean, pick up, put back, get out, fix, make, build, take apart, and leave alone. The other day my oldest was really upset that he was having to participate in the chores around the house because he felt that it was unfair, he...2020-03-2312 min
The Family Matters Podcast64. Pornography battles w/ Zach SpaffordIn this podcast, I interview Life Coach, Zach Spafford(@self_mastery_coach). Zach teaches LDS men how to stop using pornography. Instead of thinking in terms of having an addiction, that 12 step programs teach one is powerless against, Zach asserts that instead, it is an addictive behavior and something that one can totally conquer.
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Please join me in hearing what Zach has to say about his own recovery as well as the role loved ones, spouses, and even ex spouses can play in someone's life who's battled pornography. As a father of 8, he also throws in a couple of tidbits...2020-03-2241 minThrive Beyond PornographyVictim MentalityVictim-hood and the blame game.- Not too many people think or express that they are the victim.- Not weakness, just our brain justifying our behavior- Indicators of victim mentality.- Blameo If my spouse would just meet my needs bettero If I just hadn’t looked at porn that first timeo If my church leaders would just help me moreo The house clean on ramsey –o If only the circumstance was differento Ask yourself, do I blame anyone els...2020-03-1619 min
Simply Resilient - A Podcast For Military WivesEpisode 35 - Buffering with Zach SpaffordOn the podcast today I share an episode that I did with life coach Zach Spafford from The Self Mastery Podcast about buffering. We talk about what buffering is, why our lower brain offers it to us as a solution to resolve discomfort, what we can do instead and how, and how all of this relates to military life particularly when it comes to the challenges, loneliness, and discomfort of deployments. Enjoy!2020-03-1140 minThrive Beyond PornographyInterview with Jessie Ellertson - Coach for Military MomsSee audio 2020-03-0844 minThrive Beyond PornographyAction BiasAction biasWe act in order to gain some sense of control or even to eliminate a problem- 1 - Doing something is better than doing nothingo We see this in business where we begin looking for solutions before we have even fully developed what the problem is.o This is what we do when we are dealing with addictive behaviors.o Giving in to our urges is an action that we engage in for a variety of reasons – sometimes because we think it will make the urge...2020-03-0112 minThrive Beyond PornographyBattle of the brainsBattle of the brains - why your lower brain hijacks your best intentions and you still bufferSo you have a problem.We all do. We are trying to survive in a world where survival is virtually guaranteedInfant mortality is down across the worldLife expectancy is up. Since 1950 when life expectancy was 45 years old to 2020 we’ve added nearly 30 years to the average life of a person.Yet, with this survival going on we are also getting into things that are quote bad for us, like...2020-02-2622 minThrive Beyond PornographyFeel good - own your painPodcast - pain, process it so it doesn’t turn into buffering· We’ve talked about life being 50/50 · Episode 12 · unhappiness is half of life · I’m going to talk about pain – really, all negative emotions, lonliness, sadness, tired, upset, whatever you think of as negative emotions· Pornography users, over eaters, over spenders, video gamers · We do those things to buffer the feelings· Lower brain doesn’t understand that momentary dopamine leads to increased pain· Here’s what happens o Something happens to trigger the pain § – wife goes out for girls night, so you’re lonely 2020-02-1716 minThrive Beyond PornographyBetter at life by understanding infinite gamesBecoming the person you want to be is an infinite game. - Finite and infinite games are an interesting subject- I was listening to simon sinek and he talked about the difference between the two.- Finite games have set numbers of players, specific rules and an end point. - Infinite games have rules that may change, the number of players may change and the purpose of an infinite game is to keep the game going. - One night while traveling home from a single adult activity when my pornography use was weighin...2020-02-1120 minThrive Beyond PornographyRelationships - trustCheck out Darcy and I discussing trust, intimacy and connection in our relationship. 2020-02-0314 minThrive Beyond PornographyWhy feelings matter - with Darcy SpaffordFeelingsThe big question that comes up as I coach clients, whether they are trying to stop an addictive behavior or they are just trying to show up as the man or woman that they want to be, really captures the battle that we have every day over who we are and the behaviors we exhibit. Why do I want … ?Why do I want to earn a million dollars? Why do I want to become a doctor? Why do I want to get married? Why...2020-01-2723 minThrive Beyond PornographyThe Story of Zach and Darcy - Interview with Natalie ClayThis week on the podcast, my friend Natalie Clay interviews Darcy and I. It is a great chat and a great chance to hear from Darcy, who I talk about often but we don't hear from enough on the podcast. Thanks to Natalie for interviewing us and sharing us with her audience. You can check her out at natalieclay.com or listen to her podcast Couples Coaching with Natalie Clay. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/couples-coaching-with-natalie-clay/id14599501592020-01-2037 min
The Luminous Mind Podcast | A show about you becoming your best self through unconventional thinkingEpisode 246 - Zach Spafford, Thinking Through Addiction DifferentlyThis episode is with Zach Spafford on first thinking through addiction through creative ways to become your best self and how that fits with an article from James Clear titled, "How to Say No, Resist Temptation, and Stick to Your Healthy Goals." Check out our show notes2020-01-161h 07Thrive Beyond PornographyOvercoming pornography requires self confidence - 3 Key components of self confidence -Three key components of self confidence and why you need to cultivate and build them into your life. 2020-01-1317 minThrive Beyond PornographyRelationships: 3 TruthsRelationshipsAs I work with men and women, and their spouses, I find that one of the biggest issues that comes up is how pornography use affects their relationships.one thing that I often see and one thing that happened in my own relationship was that my wife thought that for her to be happy she needed to control me and my pornography use. If you haven’t read that story go back to my blog and check out the one titled, “My wife used sex as a way to try and control me an...2020-01-0611 minThrive Beyond PornographyHow to solve any problem: 5 key elementsHow to solve any problem: 5 key elements. I love all the great feedback I am getting about the podcast, thank you. Some of you make it the first thing you listen to each Monday morning to start your week out right. Somebody reached out to me about this week about the podcast from two weeks ago about falling forward and asked how they can get better at that. And said, they were feeling stuck and didn’t know how to put that into play in the...2019-12-3018 minThrive Beyond Pornography4 ways to keep your cool and be happy at Christmas4 ways to keep your cool and be happy at Christmas. Christmas is a time of excitement and expectationsTrees, lights, presents, food. Also a time of difficulty for lots of people who struggle with depression, addiction, loneliness1 – don’t expect others to be different than they normally are. - Today is our oldest’s birthday- He didn’t get out of bed when I called him for his 5 am swim practice- He threw a tantrum when I tried to get him to complete his chores...2019-12-2324 minThrive Beyond PornographyFall forwardSet up a free mini session at zachspafford.com/workwithme2019-12-1611 minThrive Beyond PornographyLife is 50/50 - how do you make that work for you?- Opposition in all things- How often do you think you will feel good? – what percentage of time?- What percentage of time do you think that you feel bad?- What does it mean to resist feelings?- When you resist feelings, you are not only denying yourself negative feelings that may serve you, if you feel them to their fullest for a short period, but you are likely also not able to feel positive feelings that may well serve you too.- 50/50 rule is that half the time, no matter what, your life is...2019-12-0913 minThrive Beyond Pornography3 things to build the person you want to beI can’t keep going like this. Darcy caught me. I had been looking at inappropriate pictures on my company laptop when she thought every thing with my pornography problem was behind us. We were suffering through a really difficult miscarriage and I was turning back to the old things that made me feel better whenever I was feeling less than good. She was furious. She threw that laptop down the stairs, along with some laundry detergent and...2019-12-0213 minThrive Beyond PornographyBoundaries - how to set themThis podcast is for pornography users and their spouses. Today we are going to talk about boundaries, and specifically, what they are, what they aren’t and how to set boundaries that you can be happy with so you can move forward into having the relationships you want to have with the people around you. This is really for you couples who are dealing with pornography and are looking to create boundaries that will help you grow and improve your relationship, rather than separate and divide your relationship.In discussing this I recognize tha...2019-11-2526 minThrive Beyond PornographyUrges - How do you stop feeling trapped by themSign up for a free mini-session at zachspafford.com/workwithme to begin working with a coach who understands where you and how to move past it. 2019-11-1821 minThrive Beyond PornographyChoices - Solutions to get unstuckChoices – the way forward. Finding your way is a matter of choices and making the ones that you believe will bring you the most happiness. So, I often work with young men who are just about to graduate high school and, for members of the church of jesus Christ of latter day saints, that means that they are getting ready to choose whether they will serve what we call a full time mission. That means that they will spend 2 years away from family, away from girlfriends, away from college studies and sports and th...2019-11-1324 minThrive Beyond PornographyFive things you can do:I was having a conversation with a fellow coach friend of mineShe had walked in on her 16-year-old son using pornographyWe got to talking about how she reacted and how finally she said to him ”I can’t keep you safe”The truth is that we can’t keep our loved ones from doing any of the buffering that they choose to engage in.In fact, I had a dear friend who for the last decade and a half have a weekly habit of Viewing pornography.He is an ext...2019-11-0430 minThrive Beyond PornographyHow to stop bufferingThe first thing you’re going to do to reduce buffering is to allow urges.- Allow vs eliminate- Allow vs indulge- Urges come no matter what The second thing you’re going to do to reduce buffering is to make all of your decisions involving your usual buffer with your higher brain.- Plan it- Schedule it- Discuss it#theselfmasterypodcast2019-10-2817 minThrive Beyond PornographyBuffering - What is it and why are you doing it?My wife was out of town, it had been a hard day at work, my business wasn't doing well, we were on the verge of financial ruin, I was lying awake in bed and I was going down that familiar path to pornography use.Before I talk about how it all ended, let's talk about what pornography use is for most people.There are addicts, those people who, without regard for the consequences and unable to function without it, use substances, including pornography to get through the day.This is probably not you.2019-10-2121 minThrive Beyond PornographyThe 12 steps are probably not working for youThe 12 steps are probably not working for you.I started attending 12 step meetings in 2007. I also went to meetings sanctioned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I am a member. Those Church sanctioned meetings were full of guys that were pretty similar to me. No one had committed a crime (I don't think) in pursuit of their sexual desires, but none of them seemed able to overcome their pornography use either. So every week for a number of years I would sit in the...2019-10-1327 minThrive Beyond PornographyBelieve - it is the key to changeWould you like to work with Zach?Set up a free session at zachspafford.com/workwithme2019-10-1011 minThrive Beyond PornographyFailure is a good thing and here's whySo many addicts are hindered by their view of failure that it actually creates greater difficulty in overcoming their pornography use. As a coach I teach my clients that thoughts are one of the biggest factors in how we feel and act, leading to the results we create. When they view pornography, fall off plan, eat more than they thought they should, they view that as a failure and can often fall into a self-defeating spiral of feeling bad and buffering. What people often miss is that if we can take a step...2019-10-0925 min