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Words First: Talking Text in Opera
Words First: Talking Text in OperaMatt Boresi and Creating in Covid TimesWe start out this episode with a short quip from Mezzo-soprano, Emily Fons, talking about not waiting for the ideal moment to create.  (https://www.emilyfons.com/).Next, is a brief interview with San Francisco based conductor and prompter, Robert Mollicone (https://www.robertmollicone.com/).  We discuss the ending of Offenbach and Barbier’s Les Contes d’Hoffmann, and how it relates to the paralysis so many artists have felt while trying to navigate the pandemic.  For more information about Offenbach’s opera, check out this Britannica entry: https://www.britannica.com/topic/The-Tales...
2021-01-1156 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 65: Old Mister ButtwaterContext alert!! This episode was originally recorded back in mid-June, during the height of the BLM protests. It's been held up in the works for various reasons, but we think it's pretty good and worth a listen. It involves diarrhea, so what's not to like! We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!
2020-08-251h 12The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 64 Part 2: Artisanal Quarantine CaramelEpisode 64 Part 2: Artesianal Quarantine Caramel The Dads continue to discuss their quarantine survival tactics, from moving woodpiles to Todd’s craft caramel and mask making. 80’s corporal punishment comes up - remember the paddle? Dave goes to the dump - perhaps to dig up some ET cartridges. Delicious Southern Restoration rat wrap recipes are shared, and tv gets so great that good isn’t worth watching anymore! Tune in now to the podcast where everyone generally knows some portion of your name! We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebo...
2020-06-1652 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 64 (Part 1): People or No PeopleEpisode 64 Part 1: People or No People All it took for us to bring back the podcast was having absolutely nothing else to do! Todd, Matt, AND Dave, AND special guest Joel all are all here, (You get Curly and Shemp!) and they’re trying to keep their broods occupied in the long quality time purgatory that is social distancing. Matt and Viva have a new game fit for the apocalypse, Joel antagonizes the other dads with good weather reports and bad death tolls, Dave tries not screw up in front of his wife when he’s ALWAYS in front of his...
2020-05-271h 05The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 64 (Part 1): People or No PeopleEpisode 64 Part 1: People or No People All it took for us to bring back the podcast was having absolutely nothing else to do! Todd, Matt, AND Dave, AND special guest Joel all are all here, (You get Curly and Shemp!) and they’re trying to keep their broods occupied in the long quality time purgatory that is social distancing. Matt and Viva have a new game fit for the apocalypse, Joel antagonizes the other dads with good weather reports and bad death tolls, Dave tries not screw up in front of his wife when he’s ALWAYS in front of his...
2020-05-271h 05The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 63: Mover ScottThe Dads are back? The Dads are back! And they brought along a special friend - Scott Durbin from Imagination Movers! Todd and Matt talk about where they've been (Todd moving, Matt getting angry about airpods). They're older (Todd needs to hold onto furniture to stand up, and Matt looks like a tired Dr. Strange) but they're here. Todd has a teenage girl at home who is a sulking rage machine, and Matt has little kid who is very concerned about the health and welfare of former Beatles. And Mover Scott shares details on the making of "10-4", the Movers...
2019-03-182h 03The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 63: Mover ScottThe Dads are back? The Dads are back! And they brought along a special friend - Scott Durbin from Imagination Movers! Todd and Matt talk about where they've been (Todd moving, Matt getting angry about airpods). They're older (Todd needs to hold onto furniture to stand up, and Matt looks like a tired Dr. Strange) but they're here. Todd has a teenage girl at home who is a sulking rage machine, and Matt has little kid who is very concerned about the health and welfare of former Beatles. And Mover Scott shares details on the making of "10-4", the Movers...
2019-03-182h 03The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 62: Hack My ThermostatEpisode 62: Hack My Thermostat They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action. Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline? And Todd can’t convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his daughter to a concert she’s gonna hate. The Dads ponder how much they want to tie their homes to “The Internet of Things” – especially their fancy Japanese toilets. And Matt emcees some cooking demonstrations that get upstaged by a dinosaur and his hammy kid. E-mail us your th...
2017-07-261h 15The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 62: Hack My ThermostatEpisode 62: Hack My Thermostat They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action. Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline? And Todd can’t convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his daughter to a concert she’s gonna hate. The Dads ponder how much they want to tie their homes to “The Internet of Things” – especially their fancy Japanese toilets. And Matt emcees some cooking demonstrations that get upstaged by a dinosaur and his hammy kid. E-mail us your th...
2017-07-261h 15The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 61: An Excessive Amount of MagicWhy do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS! In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors by state”. Are frying pans supposed to suck? And in “Holidont’s”, Todd has a rudderless Easter, and Matt overdoes it so hard the cops come. And so do ants. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on F...
2017-04-191h 14The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 61: An Excessive Amount of MagicWhy do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS! In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors by state”. Are frying pans supposed to suck? And in “Holidont’s”, Todd has a rudderless Easter, and Matt overdoes it so hard the cops come. And so do ants. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on F...
2017-04-191h 14The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 60: Nature's Bounty“Pony Up Daddy” is the new Dad saddle that allows your child to humiliate you in comfort. Did we need this invention? In “Health Beat”, Todd halves his Jube Gel intake and goes into weight loss freefall. But where to stop? Speaking of which, Todd bought some dubiously named workout drinks that he probably doesn’t need, but it does taste like watermelon Slurpee. And in “Scarred for Life”, Matt brings Viva to perform at Windy City LIVE! and has to balance between ruining showbiz for her forever and ruining her for real life forever. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodca...
2017-03-2952 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 59: Bacon FireThe Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging! In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is??? Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys a decibel meter so he can see if he's justified in being grumpy at his HVAC system. That's some real dadcore stuff! And in “So, Now You're Old”, Todd can no longer put his children to bed nor enjoy TV by himself – because they can stay away longer...
2017-03-091h 02The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 59: Bacon FireThe Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging! In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is??? Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys a decibel meter so he can see if he's justified in being grumpy at his HVAC system. That's some real dadcore stuff! And in “So, Now You're Old”, Todd can no longer put his children to bed nor enjoy TV by himself – because they can stay away longer...
2017-03-091h 02The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 58: A Hot Cup of Give UpThe Dads great up for Paczki Day 2017 (this was recorded last week) – but will Todd put his weight loss over his heritage?! I mean, he already drinks tea instead of having dessert. “Planes to Catch and Bills to Pay” is a big one today – as Todd goes to his LAST Daddy Daughter Dance. (sniff) And... it has a theme? On Amazon, Todd buys his OWN video game controller his kid can't touch. Smart move or monstrously selfish parenting? And in Health Beat – Matt tries self-tanner... what could possibly go wrong? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Patern...
2017-03-021h 01The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 57: #ShelterInPlaceTodd and Matt reminisce about failed extreme football leagues past. Is there still a lingerie bowl? Matt's got an addendum to “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven”, as Viva worries about the soul of her stuffed puppy. Does Cool Pope Francis have a loophole? Then we turn to “Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos” as the Dads learn with horror that Viva has a secret imaginary friend that's a whole circle of hell down from her ghost friends Caleb! (CAAALEBB!!!) Are you doing your Amazon shopping through our support page at paternitypodcast.com? Matt is, as he integrates his favorite action figures...
2017-02-0853 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 57: #ShelterInPlaceTodd and Matt reminisce about failed extreme football leagues past. Is there still a lingerie bowl? Matt's got an addendum to “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven”, as Viva worries about the soul of her stuffed puppy. Does Cool Pope Francis have a loophole? Then we turn to “Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos” as the Dads learn with horror that Viva has a secret imaginary friend that's a whole circle of hell down from her ghost friends Caleb! (CAAALEBB!!!) Are you doing your Amazon shopping through our support page at paternitypodcast.com? Matt is, as he integrates his favorite action figures...
2017-02-0853 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 56: The Wrong Side of 40Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today. In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods. Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but Viva's feelings are too big to watch movies. And in “So, Now You're Old” - Todd goes right over the hill and lands at a beef stand. Did he waste all his ionic supreme? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD...
2017-01-2647 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 56: The Wrong Side of 40Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today. In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods. Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but Viva's feelings are too big to watch movies. And in “So, Now You're Old” - Todd goes right over the hill and lands at a beef stand. Did he waste all his ionic supreme? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD...
2017-01-2647 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 55: Dirty FloridaHappy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met! New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA. Speaking of Todd, he's back from a family vacation... is he the one who made the sign say, “Hollyweed”? Matt bought a very heavy vest – will it make him swole or just crippled? Say, how do you teach a kid to blow their nose? And who mops up afterw...
2017-01-1259 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 55: Dirty FloridaHappy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met! New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA. Speaking of Todd, he's back from a family vacation... is he the one who made the sign say, “Hollyweed”? Matt bought a very heavy vest – will it make him swole or just crippled? Say, how do you teach a kid to blow their nose? And who mops up afterw...
2017-01-1259 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 54: The Magic of ScrimshawThe Dads talk about last minute shopping, where Todd grabs whatever fits his price point, and Matt grabs appetizer platters. In Health Beat, Ellie starts getting sick just before the holiday trip, and the Jays start mainline uncut Colombian Caveman multivitamin. First you get the Barneys, then you get the vitamins, then you get fight the scurvy. Plus, a feverish Ellie gets in trouble, as does a pillow tossing Viva, and the Dads let guilt be their guide. We hope you're using the Amazon portal! We know we are – even though it shows our family banner ads of what we go...
2016-12-221h 04The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 54: The Magic of ScrimshawThe Dads talk about last minute shopping, where Todd grabs whatever fits his price point, and Matt grabs appetizer platters. In Health Beat, Ellie starts getting sick just before the holiday trip, and the Jays start mainline uncut Colombian Caveman multivitamin. First you get the Barneys, then you get the vitamins, then you get fight the scurvy. Plus, a feverish Ellie gets in trouble, as does a pillow tossing Viva, and the Dads let guilt be their guide. We hope you're using the Amazon portal! We know we are – even though it shows our family banner ads of what we go...
2016-12-221h 04The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 53: Wearable YogurtThought the "wet red bread" Facebook recipe videos were gross? The Dads just found the cocktail version, "Tipsy Bartender". Anyone for a Pokeymans Mudslide? Matt tries to watch some holiday TV but find "the Santa Paws" impossibly maudlin. At least he learned empathy for Christmas Frankensteins. Play-Doh – perfect snowman ingredient or winter nightmare fuel? Please don't forget to do your holiday shopping through our Amazon portal at paternitypodcast.com! Lazy gift givers, it is time to panic – Yankee Candle Recall! Michael from New York calls in and goes green with an advanced bird flipping technique. … And in the moment we all kne...
2016-12-151h 06The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 52: Shareable BreadCan you handle your Marijuana Gummies? Illinois teens sure can't. Let's hope they never touch the brown acid Gobstoppers. Ellie's history of being neglected for her brother's sporting events culminates in a bleacher birthday party, and adult coloring book, and a Jersey Mike's sub. Laser Tag in an empty dorm – awesome or a great way to get shot by security? The Dads explore the phenomenon of Facebook sped-up recipe videos and their shambling wet bread horrors. Open a tube of crescent rolls, grab a pail of ranch, and enjoy! ...and Matt realizes his Sr. Pre-K daughter is having her own li...
2016-12-0859 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 51: Yes, Virginia, There is a Lobster ClawsIn this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons? Todd's wife leaves town for a week, and the wheels come off his domestic life. Is there an app for this? Speaking of Todd, he's considering becoming the Grabowski Gizmoduck on a mini-Segway. If not that, then he at least wants a Vespa to embarrass himself on. And reality weighs heavily on Matt's house, as Viva starts to wonder what is real an...
2016-11-3046 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 51: Yes, Virginia, There is a Lobster ClawsIn this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons? Todd's wife leaves town for a week, and the wheels come off his domestic life. Is there an app for this? Speaking of Todd, he's considering becoming the Grabowski Gizmoduck on a mini-Segway. If not that, then he at least wants a Vespa to embarrass himself on. And reality weighs heavily on Matt's house, as Viva starts to wonder what is real an...
2016-11-3046 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 50: Too Many BitsIt's out episode 50 Underwhelm-tacular! We can't get the NES classic and we'd be happy to sit in a parking lot all night watching the Godfather trilogy and waiting for it. Todd uncovers the cruel world of teenage Instagram curation and it is a harsh reality. Hey, how many hipster and geek dad t-shirts are too many hipster and geek dad t-shirts? Is there a Mad-Libs podcast? There is now. And we talk about Matt's butt. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
2016-11-221h 12The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 49: Liquified PumpkinWe're guessing you could use a laugh right now… Todd and Matt talk to you from the "before" side of the election with tales from Halloween – how do Todd's aging kids manage their transition into obnoxious trick or treating teens? And just how many Halloweens does Principessa Viva get to have?! Finally – Southsiders Todd and Matt break their silence over their shame and grief regarding the Cubs win. So. Much. Grief. Are you using our Amazon portal? This show is supported by viewers like you! (Thank you.) Matt is trying to buy new Barbies to replace the jank ones viva has –...
2016-11-101h 29The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 49: Liquified PumpkinWe're guessing you could use a laugh right now… Todd and Matt talk to you from the "before" side of the election with tales from Halloween – how do Todd's aging kids manage their transition into obnoxious trick or treating teens? And just how many Halloweens does Principessa Viva get to have?! Finally – Southsiders Todd and Matt break their silence over their shame and grief regarding the Cubs win. So. Much. Grief. Are you using our Amazon portal? This show is supported by viewers like you! (Thank you.) Matt is trying to buy new Barbies to replace the jank ones viva has –...
2016-11-101h 29The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 48: Your Feelings Are Valid, Charlie BrownThe Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”. In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads announce the death of evangelical cartoonist Jack T. Chick, and do a dramatic re-enactment of the legendary “Dark Dungeons”. Plus, Alex's school issues a warning against would-be prairie clowns. In “School Days with a Z”, the Dads discuss the history of disaster drills at schools, and Todd wonders if he should Tiger down on his son, w...
2016-11-021h 03The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 48: Your Feelings Are Valid, Charlie BrownThe Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”. In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads announce the death of evangelical cartoonist Jack T. Chick, and do a dramatic re-enactment of the legendary “Dark Dungeons”. Plus, Alex's school issues a warning against would-be prairie clowns. In “School Days with a Z”, the Dads discuss the history of disaster drills at schools, and Todd wonders if he should Tiger down on his son, w...
2016-11-021h 03The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 47: Meat JengaIf the meat tower topples, everyone loses. I hope you all realize that we were tracking Scary Clowns long before they were the new Shark Attacks. We have always been here for you, in our Clown Proof Bunker, waiting with open arms. Todd has lost 20 pounds on the “Overpriced Herb Capsule and Starvation” diet! Halloween means buying costume – buy yours on the Amazon portal and keep this show going! Matt continues his adventures on campus by placing his mouth under the soft serve spigot for three weeks. This can't end well. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call t...
2016-10-2052 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 46: Scary Clown Heat MapIf the clowns haven't carved out your innards with a balloon sword yet, it's time for a new episode! Matt has moved onto a college campus and is deeply ashamed to have left the city. What's a metrosexual without the metro? Just a “sexual”? Todd watches the debates with his kids and becomes so deeply depressed he decides to start a third political party. Perhaps you'd like to join? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! Thanks for listening!
2016-10-1146 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 45: My Mind's NoseThe Paternity Podcast is the only podcast about brunch-flavored candy corn you'll ever need. It's an old bit but a good bit - Todd's up to Tooth Fairy business again – and stuff just got real with Ellie's investigations. Are Chicken Fries fries? Are Cheetohs toes? Are Cheetoh Chicken Fries gross? A TPT investigation – plus: brunch flavored candy corn? What fresh hell is this? Professor Foster is buying potpourri, and the supersmellers in the house are none too happy. And – Apple watches, do they make you even jerkier than phones? Like our page on Facebook, follow us @thedadtest on Twitter, and check...
2016-09-211h 19The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 44: Fat Level RedIs Yelp going to date itself by listing Pokestops and places which accept corrupt fake electronic currency? Todd’s cloister bell has gone off signaling he has surpassed his maximum acceptable level of obesity. Kelly has suggested he start taking her wildly expensive shakes full of pretend medicine. Clowns are luring children into the woods in the south. Well, clowns or persons dressed as clowns. One of the two. And Matt and Professor Foster have met their superior doppelgangers at Viva's new non-hippie, mostly-nerd fancy preschool, which crushes their massive and fragile egos. Like our Facebook, follow us on Twitter @th...
2016-09-0856 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 43: Hot VealsIt's our first show officially a man down. We're sad about it – but we're funny clowns who only weep on the inside – so we think we've put together a funny episode for you! The Olympics are over, but not before the world got to enjoy a world-class walking-fast-while-wiggling-your-butt competitor soil himself on television. Watch our for that hurled sponge! Consumer alert: Whilst shopping for an iPad case, Matt discovers that scanning Happy Meal toys is a giant scam. Todd realizes that, with his kids growing older, this academic year will be naught but a gauntlet of sad goodbyes and ugly crie...
2016-08-2450 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 43: Hot VealsIt's our first show officially a man down. We're sad about it – but we're funny clowns who only weep on the inside – so we think we've put together a funny episode for you! The Olympics are over, but not before the world got to enjoy a world-class walking-fast-while-wiggling-your-butt competitor soil himself on television. Watch our for that hurled sponge! Consumer alert: Whilst shopping for an iPad case, Matt discovers that scanning Happy Meal toys is a giant scam. Todd realizes that, with his kids growing older, this academic year will be naught but a gauntlet of sad goodbyes and ugly crie...
2016-08-2450 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 42: The Amish TouchscreenWelcome back! It’s been a while, but here we are, in all our middle-aged glory. Pokemon Go is sweeping the world. Except for Syracuse. And the Western Suburbs. And… Matt may have murdered a bird by climbing a tree. At 41. In climbing gear. He used climbing gear to climb a tree. Then all of the women at the house wept at the possibility of the bird’s demise, right before ingesting bird. Dave’s kitchen is in its second year of renovation. Enough said. Todd’s wife is spending a small fortune on a new diet and exercise regimen. Can his fa...
2016-08-091h 02The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 41: Live from First Ascent ChicagoThis week Matt podcasts live from First Ascent Chicago with special guest Taylor Wood, a fellow blogger for Chicago Parent. Join them as the discuss the corporatization of Lemonade stands, the cut throat underbelly of parking in Chicago neighborhoods and don't miss the on-air epic battle between two tiny superheros!
2016-07-181h 05The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 40: Blister CreamWelcome back! Dave's asleep again. Somehow, Matt and Todd pick up the pieces and move forward. Todd swears by Menthol Gold Bond on his inner thighs. He just can't seem to find the best angle by which to powder his groin. America's love affair with Hamilton has probably reached its half-life, but that didn't stop the Brookfield Zoo from naming a camel after the musical. Matt found a bunny hutch (nest?) in the garden of his daughter's pre-school. It was adorable, until God filled their home with water and drowned the bunnies. After sixteen years of use, Matt decided to...
2016-06-2459 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 40: Blister CreamWelcome back! Dave's asleep again. Somehow, Matt and Todd pick up the pieces and move forward. Todd swears by Menthol Gold Bond on his inner thighs. He just can't seem to find the best angle by which to powder his groin. America's love affair with Hamilton has probably reached its half-life, but that didn't stop the Brookfield Zoo from naming a camel after the musical. Matt found a bunny hutch (nest?) in the garden of his daughter's pre-school. It was adorable, until God filled their home with water and drowned the bunnies. After sixteen years of use, Matt decided to...
2016-06-2459 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 39: Live at Brooklyn BouldersMatt and Todd record live at Brooklyn Boulders Chicago while their daughters preview Brooklyn Boulders Summer Camps and the Dads contemplate what they'll break first. Will it be their harness, the wall or their legs? They also explore other types of summer camp offerings, including one that will teach your children how to kill you in your sleep! Finally the dads get on the walls and recap their experience for you and try and figure out how their going to drive home now that they can't move their fingers. Join us, won't you? ​ We want to hear from you!!! Call us...
2016-06-0251 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 38: Mistress Todd's Basement of PainWelcome back! ​ Matt's got a man crush on broasted chicken. He finds a new broasted place by Todd's house, which happens to be the home of...a burger? Matt goes to an auction for his kid's Pre-K. Cue drunk bidding and keys in the fishbowl. Dave defends the existence of margaritas. Todd's vertebrae is decomposing in real time, which has led him to purchase countless traction devices that he demonstrates for Matt. Dave wants Car Talk to stop. Now. He can't stand the idea of listening to a dead host tell jokes. People keep hitting Dave's new car and it's sl...
2016-05-251h 07The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 38: Mistress Todd's Basement of PainWelcome back! ​ Matt's got a man crush on broasted chicken. He finds a new broasted place by Todd's house, which happens to be the home of...a burger? Matt goes to an auction for his kid's Pre-K. Cue drunk bidding and keys in the fishbowl. Dave defends the existence of margaritas. Todd's vertebrae is decomposing in real time, which has led him to purchase countless traction devices that he demonstrates for Matt. Dave wants Car Talk to stop. Now. He can't stand the idea of listening to a dead host tell jokes. People keep hitting Dave's new car and it's sl...
2016-05-251h 07The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 37: Mars Cheese CastleWelcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever. Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of their seating, not nearly enough robot dinosaurs. Dave tells a tale of the saddest Friendly's ever. Amazon keeps recommending that Todd buys Kuba Kickz, which are basically brass knuckles that attach to your shoes. Between this and the Strike Spike, Todd's commute through suburbia will...
2016-05-161h 11The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 37: Mars Cheese CastleWelcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever. Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of their seating, not nearly enough robot dinosaurs. Dave tells a tale of the saddest Friendly's ever. Amazon keeps recommending that Todd buys Kuba Kickz, which are basically brass knuckles that attach to your shoes. Between this and the Strike Spike, Todd's commute through suburbia will...
2016-05-161h 11The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 36: Victoria Secret's RaptureSuzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood. Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point? Todd bought his wife perfume, like a seventeen-year-old looking for a prom date. Matt's looking at several schools for his daughter, Viva. One's locked down like a prison because it's in Chicago. One is Catholic, so the steeple bursts into flames every time Matt walks in. The third is for billionaires, and made Matt sad...
2016-05-021h 08The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 36: Victoria Secret's RaptureSuzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood. Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point? Todd bought his wife perfume, like a seventeen-year-old looking for a prom date. Matt's looking at several schools for his daughter, Viva. One's locked down like a prison because it's in Chicago. One is Catholic, so the steeple bursts into flames every time Matt walks in. The third is for billionaires, and made Matt sad...
2016-05-021h 08The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 35: Come Play With Us, DannyWelcome back! Long time, no talk. It's been so long, Todd forgot Dave was on the show. Todd just got back from Italy, where he had a delightful lunch in Sienna where people abuse horses. And out of 70 kids who went with him, he only had to leave one behind! Aside from the lighter trip back to the states, Todd also discusses the "pay as you go" bathrooms. Dave talks of a fake Darth Maul Netflix trailer that looked amazing, and then discusses the mean practical jokes he used to play on his parents. The new Star Wars (Rogue One...
2016-04-241h 05The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 35: Come Play With Us, DannyWelcome back! Long time, no talk. It's been so long, Todd forgot Dave was on the show. Todd just got back from Italy, where he had a delightful lunch in Sienna where people abuse horses. And out of 70 kids who went with him, he only had to leave one behind! Aside from the lighter trip back to the states, Todd also discusses the "pay as you go" bathrooms. Dave talks of a fake Darth Maul Netflix trailer that looked amazing, and then discusses the mean practical jokes he used to play on his parents. The new Star Wars (Rogue One...
2016-04-241h 05The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 34: Emotionally Violent SushiWelcome back! Wow. Hulk Hogan got a massive settlement from Gawker. Too bad Death has no other 80s wrestlers to visit. He better spend it soon. Dave doesn't yell at strangers anymore. This leads to a great story about Matt and a steak knife. Speaking of Matt and eating utensils. Matt can't handle how good Quaker Instant Oatmeal is. He has sworn off goose liver and caged lamb. Todd used to play on roofs as a child. Now he only goes up there to install missing shingles. This leads to Todd's hardware store grading system, based on their artisanal grape...
2016-04-0352 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 34: Emotionally Violent SushiWelcome back! Wow. Hulk Hogan got a massive settlement from Gawker. Too bad Death has no other 80s wrestlers to visit. He better spend it soon. Dave doesn't yell at strangers anymore. This leads to a great story about Matt and a steak knife. Speaking of Matt and eating utensils. Matt can't handle how good Quaker Instant Oatmeal is. He has sworn off goose liver and caged lamb. Todd used to play on roofs as a child. Now he only goes up there to install missing shingles. This leads to Todd's hardware store grading system, based on their artisanal grape...
2016-04-0352 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 33: Reagan Wasn't ShotWelcome back! Kids today don't know the difference between the 80s and 90s. To them, Michael J. Fox and David Spade are the same person. Lionel Richie should relax. You can't copyright the word used to answer a phone. Todd's family communes with Fuller House. Matt had to turn it off. Dave canceled his Netflix subscription so he didn't have to see the ads. Elvis is really, really dead. So dead that no one knows he existed. Matt's daughter wants to see his manhood. Matt said "no", but this raised larger questions of how to deal with anatomy lessons for...
2016-03-191h 13The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 33: Reagan Wasn't ShotWelcome back! Kids today don't know the difference between the 80s and 90s. To them, Michael J. Fox and David Spade are the same person. Lionel Richie should relax. You can't copyright the word used to answer a phone. Todd's family communes with Fuller House. Matt had to turn it off. Dave canceled his Netflix subscription so he didn't have to see the ads. Elvis is really, really dead. So dead that no one knows he existed. Matt's daughter wants to see his manhood. Matt said "no", but this raised larger questions of how to deal with anatomy lessons for...
2016-03-191h 13The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 32: Thunder ConeWelcome back! Dave's ex-girlfriend taught him early that divorce is never the answer. Better to live in misery. Matt can't handle boys. Also, his daughter wanders onto a merry-go-round of the future, where every child on it can be crushed at once. Todd's going to Italy. Will the food there be safe? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're...
2016-03-111h 04The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 31: Baseball Knife ShoesWelcome back! Literary figures are dropping like flies. Where are the new literary heroes? It's youth baseball season, which means that it's time for Todd to buy shoe knives for his son. Hide your shins. Todd discusses his latest daddy-daughter dance. Chaos reigns as a teenage dunce DJ does everything he can to ruin the evening. Todd saves humanity by fixing the photo line. Matt's daughter refuses to listen to him. Ever.  Dave's daughter refuses to wear underwear. Ever. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us o...
2016-03-071h 15The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 30: The One Where George Gaynes DiesWelcome back! George Gaynes died! Who will save us from our refrigerators? Dave's house is cold. Matt must destroy a handsome, younger dad at his school. Todd goes to a daddy-daughter dance with his...daughter. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!
2016-02-2644 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 29: Butterfly KissesWelcome back! Todd decided to save money and skipped getting a Valentine's Day card for his wife. Now he can afford go the movies. By himself. Maybe he'll go see Deadpool with Matt, since that's where he spent Love Day with his wife. Dave went to his first Daddy-Daughter dance with his two four-year-old daughters. It went exactly how you would expect an evening centered around forced sentimentality to go. Todd broke his daughter's arm. And by that, we mean that Todd's family allowed his daughter to roller skate, wherein she broke her arm. Matt took his daughter to Disney...
2016-02-181h 16The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 29: Butterfly KissesWelcome back! Todd decided to save money and skipped getting a Valentine's Day card for his wife. Now he can afford go the movies. By himself. Maybe he'll go see Deadpool with Matt, since that's where he spent Love Day with his wife. Dave went to his first Daddy-Daughter dance with his two four-year-old daughters. It went exactly how you would expect an evening centered around forced sentimentality to go. Todd broke his daughter's arm. And by that, we mean that Todd's family allowed his daughter to roller skate, wherein she broke her arm. Matt took his daughter to Disney...
2016-02-181h 16The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 28: The ApachesWelcome back! The dads discuss the Zika virus, and what it means for filthy, filthy Rio. Also, the Olympics are ridiculous. Dave and his wife have known each other for ten long, long years.  He has a hard time fathoming how he has gone from bartender/actor to respected educator and mini van owner. Todd wears a bib now to shave his face. This allows him to collect the hair and throw it practically anywhere he wants. Todd then realizes that he didn't actually  have fun cutting his grandfather's toenails. Matt and Professor Foster are taking their daughter to Disney Wo...
2016-02-121h 00The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 27: Son of BeastmasterWelcome back! Dave and Todd love COPS. What's not to like? Matt needs help fixing his house. He spends most of his update asking Todd and Dave how to feel like a man in his own home. They're interrupted by Matt's daughter, Viva, who is having a heart attack because Matt hasn't bought her enough iPad apps. The Dads listen to the new H. John Benjamin album. It's awful and wonderful. Todd bought Google Cardboard, which is way cooler than it sounds (Especially if you don't know what Google Cardboard is). His wife is out of town, so Todd has...
2016-02-0459 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 27: Son of BeastmasterWelcome back! Dave and Todd love COPS. What's not to like? Matt needs help fixing his house. He spends most of his update asking Todd and Dave how to feel like a man in his own home. They're interrupted by Matt's daughter, Viva, who is having a heart attack because Matt hasn't bought her enough iPad apps. The Dads listen to the new H. John Benjamin album. It's awful and wonderful. Todd bought Google Cardboard, which is way cooler than it sounds (Especially if you don't know what Google Cardboard is). His wife is out of town, so Todd has...
2016-02-0459 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 26: NipplebackWelcome back! Sesame Street is moving to HBO. Finally they'll be able to explore the adult themes that PBS was so vehemently against.  The dads then discuss how, no matter the channel, Sesame Street's segments are unwatchable. Dave's kids won't wipe themselves. Todd does some research to find that child deaths by toilet have been greatly exaggerated. Dave bought an electric toothbrush on Amazon, and has no gums left. Matt wants to expose his child to disturbing images in order to toughen her up like Gen-X'er. Todd gets a huge mole cut off of his back. Now there's a red s...
2016-01-291h 01The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 25: The Sperm SwitchWelcome back to our humble show. The dads stumble upon a baby-making light switch that's supposed to be surgically inserted into your body. It's hilarious at parties.  Matt's daughter is being taught to share her feelings by tattling on her peers. So now, Matt is being humiliated at parties as his daughter narks out other kids for hurting her feelings.  Todd bought a new bat for his son. It's made from space-age technology, just like the bat he got last year, and the year before that. Bat technology is changing so fast, there's no way to use a bat more th...
2016-01-2056 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 25: The Sperm SwitchWelcome back to our humble show. The dads stumble upon a baby-making light switch that's supposed to be surgically inserted into your body. It's hilarious at parties.  Matt's daughter is being taught to share her feelings by tattling on her peers. So now, Matt is being humiliated at parties as his daughter narks out other kids for hurting her feelings.  Todd bought a new bat for his son. It's made from space-age technology, just like the bat he got last year, and the year before that. Bat technology is changing so fast, there's no way to use a bat more th...
2016-01-2056 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 24: Google GarbageWelcome back. Oculus Rift is on its way, and if we put our money on anything, it's that life will become a compilation of headaches from constantly standing one inch from the television. Too bad for Oculus Rift that Google found a way to do it for free... It's winter in Chicago, and that means long commutes through barren gray wastelands. Todd heads to a hotel spa with strawberry water and Matt plans a trip to Florida for February. This is great, but it still leaves five months of winter misery. Matt is planning on taking his daughter to a...
2016-01-1353 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 24: Google GarbageWelcome back. Oculus Rift is on its way, and if we put our money on anything, it's that life will become a compilation of headaches from constantly standing one inch from the television. Too bad for Oculus Rift that Google found a way to do it for free... It's winter in Chicago, and that means long commutes through barren gray wastelands. Todd heads to a hotel spa with strawberry water and Matt plans a trip to Florida for February. This is great, but it still leaves five months of winter misery. Matt is planning on taking his daughter to a...
2016-01-1353 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 23: The Dollhouse(s)Welcome back!  Dave has never, in forty years, found a good time to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life. Who has two hours to kill on Christmas afternoon, really? Matt and Professor Foster decided that their daughter wanted a doll house for Christmas, and so they bought five of them.  Dave got his family out of Baltimore alive, but not before a six hour trip home, in which Josephine asked 9,359 questions and Cecilia barfed into a blanket.  Todd denied his daughter a kitten for Christmas, and has been waiting for four years to break the news to her that...
2016-01-0758 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestHappy New Year!The dads are taking the week off to enjoy the unseasonably warm...wait. Oh, it's snowing now. Never mind. Well, we didn't record, so here's a New Year's message just for you!
2016-01-0103 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 22: Christmas KittenMatt brings back action figures from the 80s that no one wanted. Micronauts. ROM Space Night. No idea? Then you get the idea. Dave's turning forty, which means he'll finally have to start spelling forty without a "u".  He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, but how he feels is miserable. Matt looks like Jesus. Meanwhile, he interviews Dylan Lauren about her new candy shop in Chicago, and Viva got so much swag she developed Type-2 diabetes instantly. Also, Viva can't get enough of toilet talk, and it's driving Matt insane. Todd's daughter wants a cat, and she won't s...
2015-12-2352 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 22: Christmas KittenMatt brings back action figures from the 80s that no one wanted. Micronauts. ROM Space Night. No idea? Then you get the idea. Dave's turning forty, which means he'll finally have to start spelling forty without a "u".  He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, but how he feels is miserable. Matt looks like Jesus. Meanwhile, he interviews Dylan Lauren about her new candy shop in Chicago, and Viva got so much swag she developed Type-2 diabetes instantly. Also, Viva can't get enough of toilet talk, and it's driving Matt insane. Todd's daughter wants a cat, and she won't s...
2015-12-2352 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 21: Bijou SauceWelcome back! Holy crap this is a good episode. Matt can't handle the White Castle Turkey Dinner Slider. Mainly because White Castle's are a time portal to planet filth. Butterball meat smothered in Bijou Sauce...what could make your mouth water more..for a glass of water. Todd can't figure out how to use Facebook in a way that isn't inherently Facebooky. He just wants to post a picture of his kid winning an award, but no matter how he posts it, he looks like a braggart jerk. Thanks Obama. Matt buys some lucky kid a Star Wars pancake mold...
2015-12-171h 20The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 21: Bijou SauceWelcome back! Holy crap this is a good episode. Matt can't handle the White Castle Turkey Dinner Slider. Mainly because White Castle's are a time portal to planet filth. Butterball meat smothered in Bijou Sauce...what could make your mouth water more..for a glass of water. Todd can't figure out how to use Facebook in a way that isn't inherently Facebooky. He just wants to post a picture of his kid winning an award, but no matter how he posts it, he looks like a braggart jerk. Thanks Obama. Matt buys some lucky kid a Star Wars pancake mold...
2015-12-171h 20The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 20: Love Ya, DadThis week, Todd and the dads remember Todd's father, Bob.
2015-12-091h 12The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 19: Liam Neeson MacaroniWelcome to Episode 19, and not a moment too soon. The dads discuss collectible mac and cheese boxes, and the idea that now there are dead Star Wars characters on the box. Dave regales the dads with a cautionary tale on not getting your '99 Honda tuned up. Matt figures out how the mom from Signs could have lived a long, happy life. Dave doesn't know why cops drive SUVs. The dads find the missing link between cavemen and the Commodores. It's a sculpture made by a blind girl in an 80s music video. Todd can't use gel deodorant. He hates...
2015-11-3043 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 18: Deep Fried DreamsWelcome back! Taco Bell now offers you their croissant taco. Good Lord. Daylight Savings Time is horrible, and Matt wastes that precious hour every year. He did catch an infomercial in the middle of the night for Butterball's indoor turkey frier. It's like fireworks, but for inside your house. Todd buys a ladder. For his house. A house he's owned for a decade. His first ladder.  Matt rearranges the federal holidays so that Americans get some breathing room between Thanksgiving and New Years. Finally, Todd redeems himself as a father by leading his family out of an intermediate corn maze. T...
2015-11-1958 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 17: Morph Suit MadnessWelcome to Episode 17! Todd's garage is haunted by a toy that no one has played with for a decade. And it's angry. Todd's son is wearing a morph suit for Halloween this year with an orange wig. He's too young to date anyone or drive. He's too old to be cute and eat candy. So he decided to embody the awkwardness of junior high by covering his entire body in Spandex. Matt goes to too many parties for four-year-olds. He's purchased a stack of the same gift and created a rubric to meet the challenge. Dave regales the fathers with...
2015-11-0455 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 16: Styrofoam LungThank God we can finally stop talking about Back to the Future II!! Matt found something to occupy Viva while he assembled furniture and she manages to destroy the house and her health at the same time. Dave is all In when it comes to the new Star Wars movie. It's time to strap on your blaster and buy your tickets!! Todd's son has turned thirteen and Todd doesn't think he gets in enough trouble. Careful what you wish for, old man! Matt and Viva enter a chili cook off and Matt loads it up with fatty meat, insanity peppers...
2015-10-301h 02The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 16: Styrofoam LungThank God we can finally stop talking about Back to the Future II!! Matt found something to occupy Viva while he assembled furniture and she manages to destroy the house and her health at the same time. Dave is all In when it comes to the new Star Wars movie. It's time to strap on your blaster and buy your tickets!! Todd's son has turned thirteen and Todd doesn't think he gets in enough trouble. Careful what you wish for, old man! Matt and Viva enter a chili cook off and Matt loads it up with fatty meat, insanity peppers...
2015-10-301h 02The Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 15: Two-Headed GhostStop crying, did you really think a crummy 80's sequel could predict a baseball outcome? Speaking of the 80's, look, disturbing PSAs are back: Check it out! Good news, teens... armpit wipes are here! Todd hates all holidays, but Halloween has scarred him the worst, probably because of his youthful attempts at thrifty creativity. Matt want those pesky kids to get off his lawn with their 3D movies and their somber space opera and bad wigs. And in a cross-cultural feat of public humiliation and preschool Italian, Dave's daughters destroy social etiquette and a bystander's humanity. The sit-down afterwards must...
2015-10-2248 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 14: Corn Maze Death MarchWelcome back to the show! All day breakfast at McDonald's means never having to say you're sorry. Dave watched Boogie Nights again, and it really holds up. Matt hates apple festivals and pumpkin spice. He also hates people who complain about pumpkin spice. Which sort of means he hates himself. He also wants to pick apples at a grocery store so that it's cheaper. Todd blows his dad off to go to a haunted house. Not recently. Decades ago, the day his grandfather died. Hungry Hungry Hippos is a cheap, crappy version of its 1980s self. Toddler potties are awesome...
2015-10-1459 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 13: Death by PastaWelcome to lucky Episode 13! This week, the Olive Garden Pasta Pass is back, and ready to take down your entire family. Todd's hearing is headed downhill a tad prematurely, and his doctor insists that he get a hearing aid before dementia sets in. Dave still has tinnitus, but only until he dies. Shopkins are worthless, but not as worthless as you'll feel if you don't buy them for your children. Dave's kids are very comfortable with the idea of death. A Shark Tale doesn't help the situation. Matt and Dave make fun of Todd's pronunciation of "eggs".  Then the dads l...
2015-10-0856 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 13: Death by PastaWelcome to lucky Episode 13! This week, the Olive Garden Pasta Pass is back, and ready to take down your entire family. Todd's hearing is headed downhill a tad prematurely, and his doctor insists that he get a hearing aid before dementia sets in. Dave still has tinnitus, but only until he dies. Shopkins are worthless, but not as worthless as you'll feel if you don't buy them for your children. Dave's kids are very comfortable with the idea of death. A Shark Tale doesn't help the situation. Matt and Dave make fun of Todd's pronunciation of "eggs".  Then the dads l...
2015-10-0856 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 12: The Saliva Sundae TroughWelcome back! Matt starts us off by explaining the benefits of "hot desking".  This leads to "hot neglecting" your kids, which sounds worse than it actually would be. Matt then paints a terrifying picture of children and ice cream and troughs. Disgusting. Dave wants alone time with his wife so that they can talk about how much better they are than everyone else. Shark attacks are down and death by selfie is up, so Todd watches terrifying PSAs  about texting and driving, sending his daughter into her own personal Viet Nam flashback. The Happy Birthday Song now belongs to the pe...
2015-09-3047 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 11: Mouthful of Poo WaterWelcome back to the show! This week, Todd offers up the idea of the bedtime pass for the other dads' kids. It's backed up by hard core stats, so there's no way Matt and Dave can refute its effectiveness.  Todd has a sinus infection, which is gross, and he should be ashamed of himself. Speaking of shame, his son just dropped an iPhone in the toilet, and all three dads have different ideas on the type of punishment that must commence. Matt takes us back into the Paternity Test Kitchen, and offers up a Frankenberry Crunch Shortcake, which incidentally is th...
2015-09-2358 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 10: They Just Can't Handle the CorndogWelcome back to the show! Dave is resting his voice, and he'll be back next week. In the meantime, Matt and Todd discuss the announcement that The Weather Channel is going to finally go back to focusing on weather rather than vague, insulting half-references to unimportant events. Matt regales Todd with a story of how he almost became a big reality TV star. Matt reads Viva a book where animals punch each other, which may have backfired. Matt's daughter then sings about hitting other people. The problem is, she's doing it when she's alone in her room and doesn't think...
2015-09-1652 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 10: They Just Can't Handle the CorndogWelcome back to the show! Dave is resting his voice, and he'll be back next week. In the meantime, Matt and Todd discuss the announcement that The Weather Channel is going to finally go back to focusing on weather rather than vague, insulting half-references to unimportant events. Matt regales Todd with a story of how he almost became a big reality TV star. Matt reads Viva a book where animals punch each other, which may have backfired. Matt's daughter then sings about hitting other people. The problem is, she's doing it when she's alone in her room and doesn't think...
2015-09-1652 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 9: Wet White ScabWelcome back to the podcast that would gladly go to jail for the right to love its listeners. Hell opens up and tries to cover the earth in snakes and meat druids. The Dads are there. David is back, neutered and muted. Seriously, he can barely talk and might die. You'll get, like, 15% Dave on this episode. Todd gets into the Drone Wars, and will soon be stopping wildfire fighters from responding to calamity. Speaking of Todd, his daughter wants to punch his face. Ah, filial love. Callers tell horror stories of botched vasectomies! (At this point it seems like...
2015-09-0959 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 8: Sweaty Jungle CheeseWelcome back to that same old place you used to laugh about. David got his vocal chords sand blasted and he's still off – but we take a moment to play tape of him wheezing and make fun of his misfortune. Then we talk about our favorite discontinued pastries. Todd's obsession with credit card points has led him, sooner than we thought, into unessecary capital expenditures. Moustrap sucks. The world is coming to pieces, with poisonous snakes in Todd's neighborhood and druids dropping meat on children in the Carolinas. We get great listener mail and voice mail – and keep that stuff comi...
2015-09-0253 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 7: Milk BrothersWelcome to our seventh episode! We begin with Star Wars, and everyone's jealous that Todd's son is old enough to see Episode VII. Todd has a problem with breastfeeding; or, to be more specific, Todd has a problem with women who breastfeed other people's children. He then references The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, a movie that only Todd saw. Next, Todd buys an apple core peeler. It's an appliance that looks like you'd buy it at Cracker Barrel. Dave has mouse problems, but if you listen to the show, you'll hear about the best mouse trap ever. Finally, Matt...
2015-08-2649 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 6: Surgery All Over the PlaceWelcome back to what the Internet was invented for. An Iowa Rep thinks gay marriage is like marrying lawn mowers – the Dads thinks he is protesting just a LITTLE TOO MUCH about marrying lawn mowers. Then the Dads discuss the mysterious new fangled appeal of really, really depressing horror films that are more Requiem for a Dream than Nightmare on Elm Street. Todd talks Matt into buying “Hi Ho Cherry O”, which immediately turns his daughter into a tyrant and a cheater. Speaking of Todd – no longer content with just bilking Columbia House Record Club out of Blind Melon cds, he is no...
2015-08-1945 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 5: Serial Season 2Welcome back to the king daddy of dad shows. Season two of "Serial" is apparently in the can, but Matt doesn't believe it. He tends to think Sarah Koenig is sweating it out with a waste basket full of crumpled up empty notebook pages. Dave is sweating his daughters' third year on Earth, and hates the big lie: That the "terrible twos" are terrible at all. Dave and Matt also share their stories of the first night at home with their newborns. It didn't go well. Amazon Prime Day stunk. Thanks, Amazon. The dads then discuss the piercings that say, "...
2015-08-1238 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 5: Serial Season 2Welcome back to the king daddy of dad shows. Season two of "Serial" is apparently in the can, but Matt doesn't believe it. He tends to think Sarah Koenig is sweating it out with a waste basket full of crumpled up empty notebook pages. Dave is sweating his daughters' third year on Earth, and hates the big lie: That the "terrible twos" are terrible at all. Dave and Matt also share their stories of the first night at home with their newborns. It didn't go well. Amazon Prime Day stunk. Thanks, Amazon. The dads then discuss the piercings that say, "...
2015-08-1238 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 4: Babies Not in Car SeatsWelcome to Episode 4! The dads discover the new Dr. Seuss book that's gonna make someone other than Dr. Seuss a boat load of cash. Matt takes his daughter to a Chicago Park District Camp (read: Toddler Jail). She pays him back by burying her face in stagnant water fountain chum. Todd's son can't hit a golf ball, but he can break a driver like a pro. Dave's been seeing lots of cars in New York lately with kids out of their car seats. He's terrified, but recognizes that he finds the very same thing charming in Europe. Did you know...
2015-08-0542 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 3: Skip the Tooth FairyWelcome back! A Lion prowls the streets of Milwaukee. Quick, someone call a Minnesotan denstist! In “So Now You're Old”, Dave and his brother learn that the big apple is much tamer on the wrong side of 35 – there's far fewer chili dog dust-ups. And speaking of safaris, Dave's wife just bought an elephant head on Amazon. More Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos, as a creepy clown invades a Chicago cemetary. In “Animal Crack-Ups”, Matt struts on a stray cat. Listeners write in to talk e-mail urban legends and Grape Nuts. And Todd muffs his Tooth Fairy duty yet again! We want to he...
2015-07-3052 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 2: Carol Channing Fear JamWelcome back! Matt used to be a dead ringer for Jimmy Fallon until the late night host nearly ripped his finger off. The dads Google Image Fallon’s medical condition, which was a mistake. Matt buys his daughter a sandbox for their deck...which is just above the deck of their neighbor. Guess what happens next. Dave tells a story of a family friend’s kid who asked his mother the toughest question ever about STDs. Ever. Todd’s kids won’t commune with him over his childhood cereal: Cookie Crisp. They seem to love Honey Bunches of Oats and shredded...
2015-07-2255 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 2: Carol Channing Fear JamWelcome back! Matt used to be a dead ringer for Jimmy Fallon until the late night host nearly ripped his finger off. The dads Google Image Fallon’s medical condition, which was a mistake. Matt buys his daughter a sandbox for their deck...which is just above the deck of their neighbor. Guess what happens next. Dave tells a story of a family friend’s kid who asked his mother the toughest question ever about STDs. Ever. Todd’s kids won’t commune with him over his childhood cereal: Cookie Crisp. They seem to love Honey Bunches of Oats and shredded...
2015-07-2255 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 1: Dad Bod BatmanOn the first episode of The Paternity Test: The Dads discuss the dissolution of Bennifer and what it means to have a middle aged Caped Crusader who just want to throw the ol' batarang around with his estranged kids. Matt and Professor Foster give up on marriage and buy two coffee pots. In “How the Better Half Lives”, Todd decides his ghost will discourage his wife from moving on after his (imminent) death. In “Talking Your Kids”, DM talks to his kids about death when Fonzie the poodle massacres some chipmunks in front of the wins. And in “Awkward Moments”, Matt is so I...
2015-07-1344 minThe Paternity Test
The Paternity TestEpisode 0: This Is UsWelcome to our new podcast, The Paternity Test. Learn what we're about in this special Episode Zero. Then subscribe so you don't miss our first episode, coming soon! Visit us at paternitypodcast.com, follow us on twitter @thedadtest and like our Facebook page. You can email us at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or leave a voice mail at 657-BAD-DADS.
2015-07-0904 min