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PsycHacksEpisode 548: Don't waste her time (how women set themselves up to fail)It is a commonly-held belief that men who are not serious about a woman's long-term commitment should leave her be – especially in her 30s. Don't waste her time! However, disqualifying men because they will not comply with a woman's time line is a poor dating strategy. Good things take time – irrespective of when they are begun. This is how women set themselves up to fail: they attempt too many projects and do not give any sufficient time to succeed.
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2025-08-2910 minPsycHacksEpisode 547: The core of respect (approaching the O word)There is evidence to suggest that men need respect in a sexual relationship more than they need love. However, many women legitimately don't know how to respect a man. In today's episode, I will lay bare the core of respect, the essential element without which no respect exists: obedience. By approaching the O word, women can learn how to have more peaceful and satisfying relationships with the men of their choosing.
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2025-08-2512 minPsycHacksEpisode 546: Getting vs. keeping (emotional labor in dating)Since men and women gatekeep different aspects of a relationship – commitment and sex, respectively – the burden of effort over the course of a courtship falls on the one who is actively trying to be let in. It's not just women who perform emotional labor in dating. It take a lot of work for men to initiate the sexual relationship. However, there is an imbalance in getting vs. keeping: the cost of one is not always – or usually – the cost of the other.
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2025-08-2210 minPsycHacksEpisode 545: Don't be her option (why you get left on read)Most men are a woman's option – not her priority. And many are complicit in relegating themselves to this role. In today's episode, I discuss how over-pursuing and over-committing lead to suboptimal outcomes. If you want to get what you want, don't be her option. Giving too much, too soon is why you get left on read.
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2025-08-1812 minPsycHacksEpisode 544: Go f**k myself (how to accelerate your growth)To get what you want in life, it is helpful to cultivate a “fuck you” attitude, that is: the capacity to go without the support or approval of others. However, it may be even more helpful to cultivate a “fuck me” attitude to achieve your dreams. This is the ability to consciously override the habits and preferences that block your effective action. This is how to accelerate your growth: go fuck myself.
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2025-08-1509 minPsycHacksEpisode 543: Why men lose interest in sex: Love (where men love they do not desire)In this third installment on my series on male sexuality, I discuss another reason why men lose interest in sex: love. Like it or not, a good deal of male arousal is predicated on objectification. Once a man begins to care for the person inside the body, the sexual act is increasingly divested of its aggressive element, which can vitiate the experience. This is the Madonna/Whore Complex, and it affects more men than you would think. As Freud wrote, “where men love they do not desire.”
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2025-08-1111 min
I Wish You KnewDr. Orion Taraban: Why Modern Men Are Failing at IntimacyNot everyone, especially modern men, should be in a relationship and Dr. Orion Taraban returns to explore exactly why.
In this video, Dr. Orion Taraban and Adam dive deep into the emotional wounds, subconscious needs, and hidden motivations that shape modern relationships.
Topics Covered
👉 Why healing must come before entering a relationship
👉 The evolving nature of needs and desires in long-term relationships
👉 How relationships mirror addiction and recovery cycles
👉 The psychology behind trauma bonding and emotional dependency
👉 Why many people stay in bad relationships out of fear or familiarity
👉 Transactional intima...
2025-08-081h 24PsycHacksEpisode 542: The magic ring (marriage isn't the answer)Despite appearances to the contrary, there are many men today who believe in magic. That is, they believe that marrying a woman will solve the problems that exist in their relationship. In this case, marriage isn't the answer. It's important to understand that any problems that exist in the courtship stage – unburdened, as it is, from any real responsibility – will only worsen in the context of marriage. A ring is a symbol of a relationship that is already working – not some magic panacea to fix one that isn't.
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2025-08-0810 minPsycHacksEpisode 541: Why men lose interest in sex: Habituation (the allure of the new)In my second episode on the subject, I discuss another variable antagonistic to male sexuality: habituation. For better or worse, men – or males, more generally – are biologically programmed to spread their seed. This strategy is supported by the Coolidge Effect, which is a psychological phenomenon that makes novel sexual opportunities appear more attractive to men. The allure of the new is a powerful force. At the end of the talk, I discuss the four methods of accommodating to this reality in the context of long-term relationships.
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2025-08-0414 minPsycHacksEpisode 540: Spilling the tea (why men will walk away)Tea, a popular new app that purports to “make dating safer for women,” has (deservedly) received a lot of backlash in recent weeks. In this episode, I argue that Tea – and apps like it – have the potential to sever a dating market that is already only hanging on by a thread. Rather than dissuading bad actors, these apps are more likely to terrify good ones. When the risk-reward profile of dating women becomes too unfavorable, only the desperate and those with nothing to lose will remain. This is why men will walk away.
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2025-08-0115 minPsycHacksEpisode 539: Pet or partner? (you can't have it both ways)Just like there are many different ways to structure a company, there are many different ways to structure a romantic relationship. Today I discuss two of the most common such structures: pet and partner. One is not necessarily better than the other, and there are pros and cons to each. It's important to consider your needs closely, because you can't have it both ways. By matching the revealed power structure to the particular structure best suited to it, relationships stand a much higher chance of succeeding.
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2025-07-2812 minPsycHacksEpisode 538: Sex is about power (the fantasy of most men)Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this second installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's second claim. Sexual selection is one the most reliable methods of determining men's relative power rankings. Furthermore, most sexual fantasies typically revolve around the use (and abuse) of power, which would be strange if sex were really just about the pleasure of the experience. By considering pornography to be a kind of wish-fulfillment, we can identify the fantasy of most men.
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2025-07-2508 minPsycHacksEpisode 537: All men are incels (the bitter truth)I've never understood the use of the term “incel” – or “involuntarily celibate” – as an insult. After all, if a man wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't, then – at least, in the context of this relationship – either the man is going to be involuntarily celibate or the woman is going to be involuntarily sexual. And while we do not need to celebrate those who obey the dicta of civil society and human dignity, I would argue that it is very stupid to denigrate those who choose to do so. The bitter truth is that – since no man who has never hear...
2025-07-2111 minPsycHacksEpisode 536: Everything is about sex (the true power of male desire)Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this first installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's first claim. Especially when it comes to men, I contend that almost everything really is about sex. The sublimation of the sexual impulse into prosocial ends is what makes it possible for men to do the difficult, dangerous, and uncomfortable tasks demanded of civilization. For better or worse, productive output is largely based on this transformation. This is the true power of male desire.
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2025-07-1808 minPsycHacksEpisode 535: Why men lose interest in sex: Familiarity (why closeness kills attraction)Male sexuality is often misunderstood. In this first in a series of episodes on the topic, I discuss one of the reasons why men lose interest in sex: familiarity. When people live in family-like conditions for many years, they develop a sexual indifference (or aversion) to each other in order to prevent inbreeding. This is known as the Westermarck Effect, and it can help explain why closeness kills attraction.
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2025-07-1409 minPsycHacksEpisode 534: Her only competition (why men end up in bad relationships)When it comes to relationships, women don't actually compete with other women for men's attention. Ultimately, her only competition is his solitude: the degree to which he enjoys his own company. Some men are so self-loathing that they will endure even disrespect or abuse, if the relationship succeeds in taking them away from themselves. This is why men end up in bad relationships. On the other hand, those who value their solitude maintain much higher standards when it comes to interacting with others.
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2025-07-1109 minPsycHacksEpisode 533: Male cheating and female cheating (what makes them different)In this much requested episode, I discuss some of the evidence-supported differences in male cheating and female cheating. Among other things, these behaviors tend to differ with respect to relationship satisfaction, motivation, and dimensionality. By examining what makes them different, we can consider some of the divergent ends to which men and women form – and maintain – their relationships.
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2025-07-0710 minPsycHacksEpisode 532: Estranged fathers (dealing with parental alienation)I've spoken with a number of fathers who have become estranged from their children as a consequence of the family court system and their exes' manipulative behavior. Dealing with parental alienation is a painful experience with few actionable solutions. In this episode, I share a technique that men can enact to combat this situation: the evidence box. This should help estranged fathers maintain a connection with their kids long-term.
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2025-07-0410 minPsycHacksEpisode 531: How I know what women want (their feelings don't matter)My recent Soft White Underbelly talk on what women want received a fair bit of criticism. How could I – a man – possibly know what it feels like to be a woman? Shouldn't we let women speak for themselves? In this episode, I respond to the argument at face value and explain how it is that I know what women want. Though it might sound callous, their feelings don't matter. The most reliable means of establishing what women – or anyone – wants is by observing their behavior with respect to limited resources.
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2025-06-3012 minPsycHacksEpisode 530: All I want... (the problem with dating today)The problem with dating today is that people want too much. “All I want...” is a prelude to an unsatisfiable laundry list of partner criteria. This keeps people single and prevents them from appreciating their relationships. I argue that this stance is either due to willful delusion about the sexual marketplace or a kind of perfectionism that masks relationship anxiety.
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2025-06-2710 minPsycHacksEpisode 529: Stop short or go long (the two paths to a relationship)In considering the long-term relationships I've observed that have done the distance, I've noticed two commonalities. The folks who end up staying together either stop short or go long. Using an extended metaphor, I explain what this means for the sexual marketplace, and why many people meet with suboptimal outcomes. These two approaches seem to be the two paths to a relationship.
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2025-06-2314 minPsycHacksEpisode 528: No one is coming to save you (you are the one you are waiting for)The sooner you realize that no one is coming to save you, the sooner you will get busy addressing the pain and dysfunction in your life. Take radical responsibility, starting with the assumption that everything that happens to you – for good or bad – is your fault. Since you hold the ability to respond to the conditions you find yourself in, then it must be true that you are the one you are waiting for.
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2025-06-2011 minPsycHacksEpisode 527: The irresponsible man (the case against unmarried men)The general attitude toward unmarried men is that they are selfish, short-sighted, man-children who forgo real growth and fulfillment in favor of satisfying their own desires. As a consequence, the irresponsible man should submit to social institutions – like marriage – that correct their baser natures. In this episode, I offer my best counterargument to the case against unmarried men and expose the flaws in this reasoning.
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2025-06-1610 minPsycHacksEpisode 526: I did (why women are mean to men who like them)If you don't believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world does. And if you do believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world doesn't. In today's episode, I illustrate this principle using a particularly satisfying example from my own life. Along the way, I explain why women are mean to men who like them. If I did it, you can too.
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2025-06-1312 minPsycHacksEpisode 525: Delusional women (understanding female entitlement)Following up on my recent interview with Sadia Khan on Soft White Underbelly, I justify my belief that modern women are more delusional than men when it comes to dating and relationships. I discuss the narratives and attitudes that have contributed to the expectation that ordinary women can – and should – hold out for extraordinary men. In understanding female entitlement, both sexes can better avoid the trap presented by delusional women.
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2025-06-0912 minPsycHacksEpisode 524: Some men need marriage (be all that you can be)If marriage transforms wild mustangs into plow horses, why do we find so many men in harness? The answer is that some men need marriage, and they need it in much the same way that some men need the Army. If men cannot construct internally extrapolated structures to serve as a framework for their lives, they will need to submit to externally imposed ones. However, just like the Army isn't the only way to be all that you can be, marriage isn't the only pathway to develop the virtues ascribed to it.
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2025-06-0613 minPsycHacksEpisode 523: The plow horse (how marriage uses men)Over the years, I've spoken with many men who were at a loss to explain how their marriages became unsatisfying cages. However, it we optimize for men's traditional marriage commitments – protection, provision, and sexual exclusivity – we arrive at the plow horse as the logical conclusion. The harnessing of male productivity to female ends is not a flaw, but a feature: the intended design of marriage. In this episode, I explore how marriage uses men.
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2025-06-0211 minPsycHacksEpisode 522: The problem of now (the dirty garage)Many self-help gurus extol the benefits of living in the present moment. However, simply living in the here and now will not solve your issues – at least, not immediately. Tuning into the present is like finally cleaning out the dirty garage you've been avoiding for years: it will be an unpleasant and effortful chore. Appreciating the problem of now helps us make sense of why so few people take advantage of this free and available intervention.
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2025-05-3011 minPsycHacksEpisode 521: The disposable man (all lives are not worth the same)Like kamikaze pilots, most men living today have been brainwashed by their culture into believing that their lives derive value when they are sacrificed in the service of women. While women are instructed in their own inherent worth, men are taught that their value is created in the act of their own self-destruction. Both literally and figuratively, men are expected to die when others deem it necessary. This programming has produced the disposable man and the inescapable social fact that – despite all virtuous protestations to the contrary – all lives are not worth the same.
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2025-05-2617 minPsycHacksEpisode 520: An ideal marriage (why certain relationships go the distance)Many folks have asked me to give an example of a successful marriage from popular culture as a kind of model for relationship best practices. After considering the matter, I'm prepared to offer one: Gomez and Morticia Addams. These two exemplify the principle of custom-tailoring the relationship to the specific needs of the individuals involved. They also love to play with each other, which keeps the passion in their relationship alive. It may not be an ideal marriage for everyone, but it helps to clarify why certain relationships go the distance.
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2025-05-2311 minPsycHacksEpisode 519: Rise of the beta (why men today are so feminine)If alpha males are supposed to be the most competent and successful men, then why do find so many beta males at the top of status hierarchies these days? How has strong male leadership become so rare? In this episode, I propose that the rise of the beta is merely a step in an uncompleted process in which women come into power. Using an example from the TV show “Survivor,” I explain why men today are so feminine: they are easier to emotionally manipulate and to beat in direct competition.
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2025-05-1917 minPsycHacksEpisode 518: Know when to shut up (learn how to take the money)Whether in the boardroom or the bedroom, many negotiations are compromised when a man doesn't know when to shut up. Once the other party has made a decision, there is literally nothing more you can say to talk them into it – and a lot you can say to talk them out of it. Inexperienced men with low self-confidence are the worst culprits here. It's important to learn how to take the money.
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2025-05-1614 minPsycHacksEpisode 517: What women want (the answer to the question)The question as to what women want has long plagued men as an unsolved (or unsolvable) riddle. However, the answer to the question is deceptively simple: women want what other women want. Through a kind of flocking instinct, women constantly observe other women in order to deduce where the fattest part of any behavioral curve is currently located, as this is where the greatest safety resides. So by observing what other women are doing in the modern day, we can – in turn – deduce what those women want, namely: everything.
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2025-05-1215 minPsycHacksEpisode 516: Her narcissistic ex (why this is a red flag)In today's day and age, it seems as though every woman has a narcissistic ex – which is surprising given the fact that folks with NPD are estimated to comprise 2% of the population. Given the fact that any relationship in which women give more than they receive could be considered exploitative – and that the adored always receive more than they give – any relationship in which women were the adorers could retroactively be considered exploitative. However, from a clinical perspective, there is a deeper reason why her narcissistic ex is concerning. In today's episode, I discuss why this is a red flag.
2025-05-0514 minPsycHacksEpisode 515: The appreciation gap (how to stop men from cheating)The appreciation gap is the difference between the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people feel due from their partners and the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people actually receive from their partners. Negative appreciation gaps are directly responsible for the dissolution of millions of relationships every year. In this episode, I discuss simple strategies to prevent the formation of negative gaps and end with a counterintuitive suggestion on how to stop men from cheating.
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2025-04-2816 minPsycHacksEpisode 514: How to meet women (the four pathways)While women are functionally omnipresent, there are really only four ways to meet women in today's day and age. These are the four pathways – dating apps, cold approach, social circle, and social media – and there are pros and cons to each. In general, the fastest and easiest pathways are characterized by the lowest rates of success, while the slowest and most difficult pathways are graced with better odds. For better or worse, this is how to meet women in the modern age.
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2025-04-2117 minPsycHacksEpisode 513: The beginning of the end (how men lose power in relationships)If it is better for most relationships for the man to control the frame, why do women hold more power in the vast majority of relationships? While the abnegation of frame occurs at the onset of some relationships as a sexual strategy, in most cases power is slowly ceded over time through a series of small concessions. This starts to occur once a certain fear takes hold of the man, which is an emotional event I call “the beginning of the end.” This is how men lose power in relationships.
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2025-04-1415 minPsycHacksEpisode 512: Who speaks for men? (the disappearance of male space)I've occasionally been asked to offer a psychological explanation for why certain powerful or charismatic personalities have apparently been able to seduce the hearts and minds of young men. I contend that this phenomenon has a lot to do with the disappearance of male space and the need for belongingness that these communities satisfy. Who speaks for men? If it is considered inappropriate to support men, then don't be surprised if only inappropriate men do so.
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2025-04-0712 minPsycHacksEpisode 511: Attachment can change (overcoming relational insecurity)The past fifty years have amassed a good deal of evidence in support of attachment theory. Unfortunately, this has led to the overapplication of these ideas in the popular imagination, including the notions that attachment style is permanent or must be accommodated in relationship. In point of fact, attachment can change. Understanding how it changes is the key to overcoming relational insecurity.
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2025-03-3113 minPsycHacksEpisode 510: Not everyone can be happy (your thoughts create your reality)Just like certain plants won't grow in certain soils, happiness will not survive in a mind full of judgment and negativity. While people are free to think whatever they want, they are not free to feel however they want as a consequence of what they choose to think. This is why not everyone can be happy. Understand that your thoughts create your reality and you're already on your way to cultivating preferred feeling states.
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2025-03-2411 minPsycHacksEpisode 509: Staying for the kids (responding to the arguments)Of the course of my career, I've conducted many consultations with men who have resigned themselves to toxic or abusive marriages. Though miserable, these men believe that staying for the kids will prevent even more negative outcomes for everyone involved. In today's episode, I will be responding to the arguments of these men. Ultimately, they must decide what they hope their children will do if they ever find themselves in the same situation.
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2025-03-1712 minPsycHacksEpisode 508: Men need friends (the loneliness problem)Men are growing increasingly isolated. Without regular contact with friends, men's mental health deteriorates, contributing -- in some cases -- to the significantly higher rates of addiction and self-harm in this population. Men need friends, and it's up to men to solve the loneliness problem by overcoming the obstacles that exacerbate it.
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2025-03-1012 minPsycHacksEpisode 507: The Easter egg hunt (how women get men to lose)Is it merely a coincidence that women's success in the West has coincided with the widespread use of tactics designed to demotivate men? Using an anecdote from my own life -- the Easter egg hunt -- I discuss the PSA (pity, shame, anger) strategy to alter male behavior in the service of female achievement. This is how women get men to lose. Unfortunately, the use of this strategy is ultimately counterproductive for women, as it undermines their social success.
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2025-03-0312 minPsycHacksEpisode 506: Winning to lose (what do you hope to gain?)When it comes to relationships, it's very difficult to secure the relationship terms you would prefer with the person you would prefer to have a relationship with. The more people place the person ahead of the terms -- or the more desirable the person with whom they are attempting to transact -- the more likely they will need to cede their relationship preferences. This is often the cost of doing business. They secure the relationship -- but at what cost? I call this winning to lose. Ultimately, it's important to ask yourself: "what do you hope to gain?"
2025-02-2510 minPsycHacksEpisode 505: Creating a monster (how men ruin their relationships)After consulting with thousands of men, I've discovered that many of them are complicit in creating the relationship dysfunction of which they complain. By rewarding bad behavior, men unintentionally reinforce their own suffering in a process I call "creating a monster." This is how men ruin their marriages. Alternatively, men would be better off giving in as quickly as possible or holding the line no matter what.
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2025-02-1712 minPsycHacksEpisode 504: Tests are opportunities (the way of Hercules)Like it or not, tests are a necessary aspect of life. Rather than considering them burdens or annoyances, it is helpful to understand that tests are opportunities. Consider the way of Hercules: his 12 labors revealed his potential and signaled his excellence, both to others and to himself. And since tests are generally a sign of interest, it is useful to reframe them as a chance to demonstrate your talent and skill. Embracing the way is the path to success and achievement.
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2025-02-1010 minPsycHacksEpisode 503: When women hedge (the bet determines the payout)Women often tell me that the reason they aren't interested in securing a long-term relationship in their 20s is because they consider the development of their careers to be a necessary hedge against being left in the lurch further down the road. However, this is actually not a hedge: it is the primary bet. When women hedge they leverage a relationship against the downside of their work -- not the other way around. This isn't necessarily a problem, as long as women understand that the bet determines the payout.
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2025-02-0311 minPsycHacksEpisode 502: The truth about mental illness (how to live with it)There are many popular misconceptions about mental illness. It is not very encouraging, but certain issues might not ever go away completely -- even with treatment. However, by treating these conditions like chronic diseases, it's possible for people to live happy, normal lives -- provided they appropriately adapt to the reality of their situation. In today's episode, I discuss the truth about mental illness and how to live with it. Adopting this perspective will facilitate wellness and mental health.
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2025-01-2710 minPsycHacksEpisode 501: Your money's no good here (you cannot buy a relationship long-term)It is difficult for men -- even very successful men -- to maintain relationships with women. This is not only because everything they have provided no longer matters, but because they eventually run out of things to provide, as well. This is the law of marginal utility applied to relationships, and it explains why you cannot buy a relationship long-term. At a certain point, your money's no good here, and you need to find other ways to keep her emotionally engaged.
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2025-01-2410 minPsycHacksEpisode 500: Men don't want a challenge (his life is hard enough)Many women believe that a man will not respect them -- or consider them for a long-term relationship -- if she is too "easy" in the courtship process. This is not true. When it comes to their relationships, men don't want a challenge. This is because -- when it comes to the average man -- his life is hard enough. While men might need a chase, they are not looking for a woman to complicate their lives.
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2025-01-2011 minPsycHacksEpisode 499: Women don't close (what you want doesn't matter)It's come to my attention that -- when it comes to relationships -- many women are not very good at sealing the deal. This is because women don't close. Like bad salesmen, they tend to lead with what they want, which is unlikely to end with a sale. For better or worse, what you want doesn't matter. Rather, it's a good idea to lead with what the other person wants and frame what you want as a means to that end.
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2025-01-1711 minPsycHacksEpisode 498: The two paths (how people learn)Is it possible to attain wisdom without having to learn the hard way? In today's episode, I discuss how people learn by walking the two paths: the path of light and the path of pain. Most people learn most of their lessons on the path of pain, which is a kind of feedback that the models from which our behavior proceeds are not aligned with reality. Fortunately, we can all learn to walk on the path of light by learning from the pain of others.
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2025-01-1311 minPsycHacksEpisode 497: Put her to work (women want to care for you)I often hear men complaining that they can't find women willing to provide value to their lives. However, in my experience, women want to care for you -- provided you offer a sufficiently attractive relationship opportunity. And one of the best ways for men to determine the extent of this desire is to ask women to do things for them as early in the courtship process as possible. Put her to work: you will either get what you want or force her to reveal her true intentions.
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2025-01-1012 minPsycHacksEpisode 496: Where the battle is won (the ten second conflict)With a new year upon us, many people will be trying to change their behavior in the coming weeks. As we all know, this is not very easy to do. In today's episode, I discuss where the battle is won in order to help facilitate success, namely: in the ten second conflict that generally precedes making an decision. A little discipline goes a long way toward self-improvement, though we can give ourselves an advantage by how we choose to structure our lives.
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2025-01-0610 minPsycHacksEpisode 495: The truth about good relationships (tea over rice)The truth about good relationships is that good relationships are boring. No one particularly likes to admit this, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. Good relationships are stable, reliable, predictable, and free of conflict and drama. This is neither particularly interesting nor exciting. In general, one's capacity to have a good relationship is directly correlated with one's ability to tolerate boredom. Using Yasujiro Ozu's metaphor for marriage -- the flavor of tea over rice -- we can appreciate the humble simplicity that characterizes a good relationship.
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2025-01-0310 minPsycHacksEpisode 494: You are two men (how to accelerate your development)In today's episode, I discuss a model that has personally helped me to become a better man. For your own progress, it is useful to consider that you are two men: the Worldly Man and the Spiritual Man. While the Worldly Man wants things to be easy, the Spiritual Man needs things to be difficult. In this way, you can always make use of circumstances to facilitate your growth. This is how to accelerate your development as a man.
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2024-12-3010 minPsycHacksEpisode 493: Wrestling with the angel (you have to fight for your life)Struggle is necessary to achieve anything of value in this world. This is as true for psychological intangibles as it is for material resources. Wrestling with the angel is necessary to secure a life worth living. In this episode, I discuss how we pay the cost of anything by letting go of what is antithetical to that something. This cannot be cheated. However, expensive though it may be, it is worth it. Ultimately, you have to fight for your life.
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2024-12-2711 minPsycHacksEpisode 492: How to be a better person (the unexpected driver of kindness)Many people want to know how to be a better person. In today's episode, I discuss the implications from one of my favorite psychological studies, which reveals the unexpected driver of kindness. In general, it is those with some measure of prosperity -- of having an abundance of resources above and beyond what they need for their own personal use -- who are most likely to actually be of service to others. Ultimately, one of the best ways to help others is -- paradoxically -- to first help yourself.
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2024-12-2310 minPsycHacksEpisode 491: A feast of crumbs (how men get used)In today's episode, I'm going to explain why so many decent guys end up in unsatisfying relationships. These unattractive men represent good provider options for women who can't secure long-term partnerships with their preferred mates. Unaccustomed to any attention from women, these men secure relationships on disadvantageous terms at the slightest signs of interest, which I call "a feast of crumbs." This is how men get used.
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2024-12-2012 minPsycHacksEpisode 490: You never lose someone all at once (why it takes men so long to get over it)It often seems as though women process breakups faster than men do. In today's episode, I explain why it takes men so long to get over it. The reality is that you never lose someone all at once. While the structure of a relationship can be dissolved in 30 seconds, the bond that ties people together is only weakened when the individuals in question decide to emotionally invest in other relationships. Men persist in heartbreak longer because they do not adequately grieve their relationships and/or refrain from investing in other women.
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2024-12-1610 minPsycHacksEpisode 489: You can't get there the same way twice (success is a moving castle)My experiences with meditation have taught me that you can't get there the same way twice. This is because success is a moving castle. The same approach will not take you to the same destination, as the destination has since relocated. Consistent achievement depends on the development of mastery, which is the ability to flexibly and competently apply general principles to individual circumstances.
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2024-12-1311 minPsycHacksEpisode 488: Mother love vs. father love (understanding their strengths and liabilities)A lot of the issues that people are subject to facing in their adult lives stem from failures in their childhood environments. And in my clinical experience, these issues are somewhat different depending on whether the failure originated in the father or in the mother. In today's episode, I'll be comparing mother love and father love: how they might be distinct from each other and why both are instrumental to the well-being of the child.
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2024-12-0910 minPsycHacksEpisode 487: Test her (how to screen women)While women have long ago realized the importance of vetting men, most men do not intentionally screen women before entering into sexual relationships with them. This is largely due to poor optionality, which is just happy to be given an opportunity at all. Unfortunately, this significantly increases the likelihood that men will become involved with difficult, damaged, or dangerous women over a long enough timeline. In this episode, I discuss the importance of screening women and provide one concrete way to do this. Don't be afraid to test her.
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2024-12-0615 minPsycHacksEpisode 486: The beam in your own (you're not working hard enough)Judging others is never a good look because it functionally communicates that you have nothing better to do -- which is almost certainly not true. When people are focused on their own growth and success, they typically do not have any bandwidth left to critically evaluate others. Entering into the mood of complaint is an invitation to examine the beam in your own eye, which must be removed before attending to others.
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2024-12-0208 minPsycHacksEpisode 485: The two relationships (marriage does not get you love)Much of the confusion and frustration around relationships disappears once you understand that every relationship is actually two relationships: the negotiated structure and the emotional bond. Possession of the one does not guarantee the other. For example, marriage does not entitle you to love, and love does not entitle you to marriage. Ideally, you have both at more or less equal intensity. However, if you need to prioritize one over the other, investing in the emotional bond is typically a better idea.
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2024-11-2911 minPsycHacksEpisode 484: The most effective marriage intervention (get out of the house)Having a place to go and something to do there has saved more marriages than couple's therapy ever will. Men and women were never designed to spend so much time with each other. By removing too many barriers to access, lovers are slowly transformed into roommates. Most couples do not suffer from too much space – but too little.
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2024-11-2509 minPsycHacksEpisode 483: Holders and sniffers (which one are you?)There is a problem that all couples must confront over the course of their relationship: what should they do with their farts? Some hold them in and others let 'em rip. These two camps constitute two different approaches to the unpleasant realities of self and other: repress them to maintain harmony or express them to promote authenticity. Which approach is undertaken has non-trivial consequences for the future of the relationship.
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2024-11-2211 minPsycHacksEpisode 482: There is no need to understand (the problem is the problem)Men sometimes believe that understanding the origins of a woman's problematic behavior (e.g., childhood trauma, narcissistic ex) will somehow lessen the impact of that behavior. This is not true. Much like an employer after a lackluster interview, there is no need to understand why the prospective employee did not perform well – and there's certainly no need to extend her a job offer in order to “fix the problem.” Better to simply move on to the next interested applicant.
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2024-11-1810 minPsycHacksEpisode 481: All women play blackjack (know when to hold 'em)It's important for young men to understand that all women play blackjack. Like players in the game, women in the sexual marketplace must choose whether to stand (settle) or hit (move on) in their bid to get as close as possible to 21 (an ideal relationship) without busting (the close of their reproductive window). To make this decision, they incorporate information from their hold cards (current relationship) and the dealer's show card (potential mates). A deep understanding of this metaphor will help young men position themselves successfully and refrain from taking the game too seriously.
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2024-11-1509 minPsycHacksEpisode 480: How to marry a rich, attractive man (how to capture the king)As discussed in a previous episode, if a man is rich and attractive, he isn't going to be loyal – so this is the hardest man to lock down. That said, even movie stars and world leaders settle down – so it is possible to get them to commit. To do so, however, it is not enough for a woman to be attractive and inoffensive: she must captivate him emotionally, as well. By channeling her inner Scheherazade, a woman can weave a story that can enchant even the most recalcitrant rake. This is how to marry a rich, attractive man.
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2024-11-1114 minPsycHacksEpisode 479: Understanding men (rich, attractive, or loyal)Ladies: a man can be rich, a man can be attractive, and a man can be loyal. However, you can only get two – max. This is because any one of these attributes is very expensive to cultivate, and no one will pay more than they need to for the same good. As a result, we collectively consider it lucky if a man has even one of these attributes – which makes two exceedingly rare and three overkill. In this episode, I take a look at the three archetypes in turn: the Romeo, the Patron, and the Playboy. Understanding men will impr...
2024-11-0811 minPsycHacksEpisode 478: Play is the essence of game (how to effectively seduce anyone)Many people misunderstand game to be a suite of gimmicky tactics or the Machiavellian manipulation of another. While these exist, this is not what game truly is. Game is the ability to effectively seduce, and play is the essence of game. Play is neither frivolous nor silly. It is the ability to create a separate reality that is only accessible to the initiated and in which the objects of play come to assume special significance. This is the heart and soul of seduction, and anyone who can do this well has game.
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2024-11-0411 minPsycHacksEpisode 477: Men's romantic fantasy (why men get married)Though it may seem hard to believe, men's predominant romantic fantasy – at least when it comes to their sexual relationships with women – is partnership. Despite what they may say, most women don't want an equal partner – they want men who will significantly improve the quality of their lives. And it is very difficult – if not impossible – for a man to simultaneously be an equal partner and a better option. While partnership is possible, it's typically easier for most men to have that kind of relationship with other men than with a woman.
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2024-11-0109 minPsycHacksEpisode 476: The three phases of relationships (success's reward is more work)Whether it lasts for an evening for a lifetime, all relationships progress through three distinct phases: attraction, negotiation, and maintenance. However, it's wrong to believe that these phases have distinct boundaries between them. In point of fact, a phase is never terminated once it has been initiated in the course of a relationship. This means that much of the third phase is devoted to maintaining attraction and managing frame.
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2024-10-2811 minPsycHacksEpisode 475: Make her work for it (don't just hand it over)One of the reasons by women disproportionately end relationships is that they don't have to work for the relationships they have. Whereas most women make men work for sex, most men do not make women work for commitment: they hand it to them on a silver platter lest they jeopardize the sexual opportunity. Like many things in life, it's easy come, easy go. If you want a woman to fight for her relationship, then you have to make her work for it.
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2024-10-2509 minPsycHacksEpisode 474: Some problems are their best solutions (don't make things worse)While it may be disappointing to accept, many problems are their best solutions. This means that the process of solving that problem will create more problems that are even more problematic than the problem the process initially intended to solve. Accepting this reality will not only help you remain patient and compassionate with others (and yourself), it will also make you more cautious about fiddling with things you may not know much about.
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2024-10-2109 minPsycHacksEpisode 473: Why beautiful women are nuts (a co-created problem)Why is it the case that physical attractiveness and mental instability so often seem to go together in women? The answer is simple: no one tells beautiful women the truth. Since most men want to sleep with beautiful women, and the truth does not get men laid, men will consistently sacrifice the truth in the service of their sexual self-interest. As a result, these women often develop a model of reality that can be very misaligned with the way things really are. This is why beautiful women are nuts.
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2024-10-1810 minPsycHacksEpisode 472: Why successful men are jerks (no one wants to do the laundry)Why is it the case that success and selfishness so often seem to go together in men? The answer is simple: men don't really want to romance women. When they are unable to provide the lifestyle and provision for which women typically select, men adopt romantic consideration as a kind of virtuous necessity in the service of their goals. However, once they become successful, they believe that they should be able to dispense with the courtship drudgery they never wanted to do in the first place. This is why successful men are jerks.
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2024-10-1409 minPsycHacksEpisode 471: The lens of attraction (why you can't do anything right)This might be my most important concept for men to understand: the lens of attraction. More than anything else, it helps to explain why success with women isn't about doing the “right” things. The exact same woman can perceive the exact same behavior in two wildly disparate ways as a consequence of her attraction levels. Keep her attraction high and you will do no wrong; let it drop and you won't be able to do anything right.
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2024-10-1109 minPsycHacksEpisode 470: Being right doesn't matter (winning the battle to lose the war)Men can do nothing wrong – they can be completely right – and they can still encounter conflict and difficulty with their women. This is because being right doesn't matter – or, at least, it doesn't matter nearly as much as many men would like to believe it does. By understanding the relationship between games and the meta-games in which they are embedded, men can learn be more effective in their dealings with women. Learn to pet the cat – or risk getting scratched.
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2024-10-0709 minPsycHacksEpisode 469: Sexless marriage (a breach of contract)Sexless marriage is a depressingly common phenomenon and not one that is well understood. My take is fairly unconventional, namely: refusing to have sex in an exclusive, monogamous relationship by unilateral decision is a form of cheating. This is because the “mono” in “monogamy” mean “one.” So cheating in monogamous relationships occurs when someone isn't having sex with one person – and fewer than one person is as much not one person as more than one person is. In this episode, I unpack some of the consequences of this understanding.
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2024-10-0409 minPsycHacksEpisode 468: A PhD in men (how to get what you want from a man)This is an episode for the ladies. Women: if you're single, and you don't want to be, you may want to consider going back to school. I don't mean graduate school. I mean investing time, energy, and money into learning what makes men tick. Time to earn a PhD in men. In the absence of real understanding, women's only recourse is to the cliches and banalities that will just get them more of the same. Knowledge is power.
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2024-09-3010 minPsycHacksEpisode 467: The coin of the realm (give people what they want)My book, “The Value of Others,” begins and ends with a parable. Many have asked me about the significance of the parable in the epilogue, which relates an episode from the life of Jesus. In applying this parable to sexual relationships, we can understand the importance of using the coin of the realm. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. When men pay women in women's currency, and women pay men in men's currency, relationships are ordered and prosperous. I discuss further in this episode.
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2024-09-2713 minPsycHacksEpisode 466: A horse in the rain (how to pass through suffering)Much of my work is devoted to reducing unnecessary suffering. However, not all suffering is unnecessary. So what is the appropriate response to the necessary and unavoidable suffering that we must all experience at some points in our lives? The answer comes through observing a horse in the rain – who does nothing to make his situation any worse than it already is. When we stop fighting our circumstances internally, we are more likely to recognize – and seize – opportunities to escape, if and when they present themselves.
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2024-09-2309 minPsycHacksEpisode 465: The cherry on top (women are luxury goods)A client who believed that the juice isn't worth the squeeze once asked me what I personally get out of my relationships with women. This episode functionally summarizes my response, namely: a woman is the cherry on top. Strictly speaking, a cherry isn't necessary for a sundae – but it can help to perfect one. Making peace with the fact that modern women – like maraschino cherries – are luxury goods will help men withhold unreasonable expectations about what they can (and cannot) provide.
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2024-09-2010 minPsycHacksEpisode 464: Dating off the beaten path (what to do if you are unconventional)Dating as an unconventional person can be extremely demoralizing. Genuine connection is rare, and you may feel as though you need to repress your originality in order to achieve some measure of success. To secure relationships, conventional people should go where the masses congregate. However, unconventional people should get as far away from the crowds as possible. They will need to date off the beaten path. This can be scary (and counterintuitive) but it works.
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2024-09-1608 minPsycHacksEpisode 463: The privilege of losing (paying the cost of winning)Many people have not yet achieved the success they desire because they have not yet been willing to pay the costs of winning. One of these costs is surrendering the privilege of losing. This may sound counterintuitive at first blush -- "privilege" is good, "losing" is bad -- but it turns out that there are many benefits to losing that people are loath to forgo. I discuss a number of these privileges in this episode.
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2024-09-1309 minPsycHacksEpisode 462: Dating after 50 (challenges and opportunities)In a much requested episode, I approach the landscape of dating after 50. After accepting the fact that everyone in this demographic has been wounded in some way, we can consider the challenge (and opportunity) of dating in this phase of life, namely: needlessness. Most people in this demographic aren't looking for marriage or kids or lifestyle. They don't need much from a prospective partner: just a genuine emotional connection. And I discuss how this is both good news and bad news.
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2024-09-0910 minPsycHacksEpisode 461: Write your own invitation (how to make friends as an adult man)If you want an in with a specific group or individual, you cannot wait for an invitation to arrive. You need to write your own invitation. And you do this by cultivating enough of what the individual or group in question values that you can no longer be ignored. This is also the secret to building new friendships as an adult man. I discuss what this might look like through my experience creating PsycHacks.
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2024-09-0609 minPsycHacksEpisode 460: Don't fight to keep people (you lose when you win)It's never a good idea to fight to keep people in your life, or (to put it another way) to stop people from leaving the relationship. This is not only because it rarely works, but because -- when it does work -- you end up with something that isn't worth fighting for: a high-conflict and unstable relationship. If someone tries to walk out of your life, let them. Don't chase them down. Anyone who walks out must decide to walk back in.
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2024-09-0209 minPsycHacksEpisode 459: Saying the quiet part loud (emperors must wear clothes)One of the principal rules governing relationships of all kinds is that the core transaction at the heart of that particular relationship should never be explicitly discussed. And though this rule gives rise to a good deal of indirectness, foolishness, and deceit, it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon, as it protects the dignity of the individuals involved. In today's episode, I discuss how this rule plays out in professional relationships before moving on to sexual relationships.
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2024-08-3014 minPsycHacksEpisode 458: Why dating advice is terrible (half right is all wrong)The vast majority of dating advice isn't worth the paper it's printed on. This is because it tends to describe how we would like dating to be or how we believe dating should be. However, even the best only get it half right. The fact of the matter is that dating is subject to both economic and psychological forces, and emphasizing one without the other leaves people bewildered and hopeless. I discuss how this tends to play out in today's episode.
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2024-08-2610 minPsycHacksEpisode 457: How to lead your woman (lessons from the front)Sexual relationships between men and women tend to thrive when the man is, confidently and respectfully, leading the relationship. However, it can be difficult for modern women to follow for a variety of reasons. In this episode, I teach men how to lead their women using principles exhibited by successful military commanders. By leading from the front and deeply understanding those under their command, good leaders can significantly reduce the likelihood they they will not be obeyed.
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2024-08-2310 minPsycHacksEpisode 456: Why people can't find love (understanding what you're searching for)Love is one of the most abundant resources in the universe. So why do so many people struggle to find it? Simple: they don't understand what they're searching for, and they look for it in the wrong places. Most people don't want to love as much as they want the gratification of being loved -- which is why they look for love in other people. I discuss further in this episode.
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2024-08-1909 minPsycHacksEpisode 455: How to date without going crazy (walking the razor's edge)Modern dating can be a frustrating, disappointing, and crazy-making experience. In this episode, I share my trick for participating in the sexual marketplace without succumbing to rage or despair: high hopes and low expectations. The idea is to enter into the timeless present and surrender the realization of the smallest next possible step. This also increases your attractiveness by showing up as present and engaged. It takes some practice, but it's worth doing.
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2024-08-1608 minPsycHacksEpisode 454: You always break your own heart (the death of a dream)Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences a person can pass through -- but why might this be the case? After all, anything that actually transpired in the relationship is secure in the past and can't ever be taken from you. What makes a breakup painful is the death of a dream: the loss of a preferred future. This is why you always break your own heart, and why you must always put it back together again.
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2024-08-1210 minPsycHacksEpisode 453: Making women feel right is a business (telling people what they want to hear pays well)While making men angry might be a business online, it is dwarfed in size and scope by the business of making women feel right. By validating women's emotions and reflecting back to them what they already believe to be true, certain content creators are paid handsomely for helping women feel as though the sources of their relationship problems lie elsewhere. However, if a woman has yet to secure the relationship she would prefer, she must eventually consider the common denominator in all of her past experiences: herself.
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2024-08-0909 minPsycHacksEpisode 452: The old man at the club (how to deal with aging out)When I speak with men in their 30s, I often hear them speak of their concern about being "the old man at the club." They're aging out of their old haunts, and (consequently) believe that it must be time to settle down. However, this isn't necessarily the case. After all, it depends on the club to which they're referring. Is it the nightclub or the country club? In this episode, I discuss the importance on finding your scene as a man: as you age out of one, you typically age into another.
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2024-08-0509 minPsycHacksEpisode 451: The secret of a successful relationship (get your needs met elsewhere)The secret of a successful relationship is somewhat counterintuitive: want less from your partner. After relating an anecdote in which I learned this secret, I discuss the importance of getting any need that can be satisfied outside of a sexual relationship met elsewhere. This significantly lowers the burden you place on your partner, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will play to its strengths.
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2024-08-0211 minPsycHacksEpisode 450: How men get suckered into fighting with women (why shouldn't you have to deal with it?)Most men have no interest in fighting with their partners. So why does it end up happening? In this video, I discuss how women can spring a trap inside the minds of men, and how men can inadvertently sow the seeds of discord in their relationships. Of course, I also provide strategies for disarming this process and cultivating harmony.
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2024-07-2911 min