Shows
slanderhourSemi - GoggleI sit in the dark freezing abyss
Waiting
You sip your coffee desperately for warmth like a cub with his mother
While I wait
I refuse to move, despite the sound coverage of both the wind and machines outside
Because I’m waiting
Waiting for you
And for them
A truck approaches the entrance you guard
The noise of the engine is beastly
I reposition to get a better view whilst still being concealed
Waiting
Tw...
2022-09-1225 min
slanderhourSemi - Sharea double-wide? someone lied: an inside jokester
what in the hell? rotten smell in this shell, yokester
seems that some blow's on your nose and it shows, cokester
cat in a tree cries a plea, comes to me: coaxed her
fork and the spoon off too soon, home by noon: broke stir
chim chim cher-ee you'll agree I'm lucky bloke, sir
wanting a plum uses thumb to get some, pokes her
poor old man frog too much grog, fell off log, croaked, sir
2022-09-0550 min
slanderhourSemi - CumtownI don’t think my toilet is happy with me.
I know this because it hardly flushes for me anymore.
I think it was Taco Bell,
And that crunch rap supreme from Hell.
I doubt John has ever recovered.
I doubt i have either.
I wish I had more than one pot in my house.
Would likely cause less grief for my spouse.
Our schedules are just about the same,
And they refuse to be tamed.
Flush! There it goes,
Glug! It’s stuck!
My t...
2022-08-2918 min
slanderhourSemi - ParanoidFinished with my woman 'cause
She couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because
I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things
But nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind
If I don't find something to pacify
Can you help me
Occupy my brain?
Oh yeah
I need someone to show me
The things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make
True happiness, I must be...
2022-08-2232 min
slanderhourSemi - CoinMy change: a nickel caked with finger grime;
two nicked quarters not long for this life, worth
more for keeping dead eyes shut than bus fare;
a dime, shining in sunshine like a new dime;
grubby pennies, one stamped the year of my birth,
no brighter than I from 40 years of wear.
What purses, piggy banks, and window sills
have these coins known, their presidential heads
pinched into what beggar's chalky palm--
they circulate like tarnished red blood cells,
...
2022-08-1525 min
slanderhourSemi - NeighbourNeighbours, everybody needs good neighbours
With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend
Neighbours, should be there for one another
That's when good neighbours become good friends
Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours
Just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day
Neighbours, need to get to know each other
Next door is only a footstep away
Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours
With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend
Neighbours, should be there for one another
That's when good...
2022-08-0828 min
slanderhourSemi - RaceYou can watch others playing games And that can be lots of fun I claim Watching basketball for some folks is great But some prefer football any day they debate. It's lots of fun for them while they converse and also laugh Some prefer watching baseball any time on their behalf Or watching car racing as they snack and slurp a drink Enjoying good sports is alright when you like them I think. But for me reading or watching a good movie is more fun. As I welcome any time spent like that a lot much more Than wasting it just in...
2022-08-0133 min
slanderhourSemi - SyncThe last reply you sent i deleted
I don't remember what you said
Something about blocking me on 'the old socials'
I threw my phone through an aquarium
The innocent, dot-eyed gudgeon, tried and flailed
to enquire 'why? Why me?'
I shouted:
'IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, MATE'
2022-07-2516 min
slanderhourSemi - SadShe smiles, I cry.
She is outgoing, I am shy.
She loves, I am alone.
She is amazing, I am unknown.
She is beautiful, I am a mess.
She is happy, I am depressed.
My mask is perfect:
She hides me.
2022-07-1835 min
slanderhourSemi - ArseCould've been a cowboy but,
my arse didn't suit a horse.
could've been an astronaut but
I wandered off- off course.
could;ve been a fireman but,
my hose was waayy too short.
yeah,
I could've been a bank robber but,
shit,
I would've got my cute arse caught.
2022-07-1142 min
slanderhourSemi - PureI've crossed deserts for miles
Swam water for time
Searching places to find
A piece of something to call mine (I'm coming)
A piece of something to call mine (I'm coming)
Coming closer to you
Ran along many moors
Walked through many doors
The place where I want to be
Is the place I can call mine (I'm coming)
Is the place I can call mine (I'm coming)
Coming closer to you
I'm moving, I'm coming
Can you hear what I hear
It's...
2022-07-0441 min
slanderhourSemi - VoleThey appeared slowly
Like stars one by one
Vole holes
Holes from voles
Not a rat, nor mouse, nor mole
But a vole
Tracks from one hole to another
Blades of grass flattened by tiny feet
In the dead of night
In the light hours, they huddle
In dark underground tunnels
Dreaming vole dreams
Out of sight by the watchful attention
Of hawks, owls, and perturbed humans
Their doings impart a...
2022-06-2723 min
slanderhourSemi - MarginHe took me to the coast and walked me past
The fair, the candyfloss, the arcade games,
And then he pulled me playfully
Inside the little sea life centre.
Dilapidated and unloved
But still it teemed with screaming kids.
I let him pay, it was a first date after all.
And then we entered underwater love,
Hand in hand as we travelled deeper, deeper
Into ocean halls.
He stopped in front of jelly fish
And stared at...
2022-06-2029 min
slanderhourSemi - GutAye dread getting *******
and getting washed
even without spectacles
that haint no mo' six-pack ab
which nearly rock-ribbed
mid equatorial zone shapeshifted
into corpuscular blubbery
ancillary physiognomy
where aye wanna bab
bull posttraumatic stressed out
middle age battle of the bulge.
Season sponged pants squarely
and tightly across the equatorial adipose tissue
requiring mister crab
to clamp down with pincers
viz primitive liposuction
whence rustling scupper
will efface this trireme
where three-ply
tread fully and tirelessly dab
bull to ameliorate
rolls of extra fl...
2022-06-1341 min
slanderhourSemi - StandupJohn Edward Robinson is often called the first serial killer of the digital age: He was the first serial murderer on record to have used internet chatrooms to lure his victims to their deaths.
His early years were a collage of petty crimes. He embezzled money from the clinic where he worked as an x-ray technician (a clinic he only got a job in because he forged his certification and papers).
When that fell apart, he started multiple fictional businesses, spending time in jail and on probation after each one failed.
At the same time, he began ingratiating himself with t...
2022-06-061h 01
slanderhourSemi - AtheistsScience defines my virtue. Factual and fictional books are my domain. Don’t speak to me of pixies, fairies, and unicorns, Or of your monopoly on morality, love, faith, and shame. I am what I am And of what I do I claim my own. I fight for my survival Of which need not be told, judged or shown. There is no all knowing Or an immortal god of my fate he will judge. For when my heart ceases to beat It will return from whence it came, a kind of primordial sludge. And when I die I will not be p...
2022-05-3023 min
slanderhourSemi - WakeI wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Lig...
2022-05-2325 min
slanderhourSemi - BaddiesSweet merry happy chickadee was terrified of the old racer chimpanzee
He is not so bad threw in the bumblebee
If you knew him well, you could easily see…
But he has such a loud monster truck-like Humvee!
It scares the honey nectar juice out of me!
We watched him race at the chimpanzee Grand Prix.
My auntie Tee paid for Chickadee’s entrée fee.
Now we are all friends – he, she, they and me.
Of course, this includes the wild ornery bumblebee.
2022-05-1630 min
slanderhourSemi - ResortTimbaland was an entertainment theme park at the Crucial Crew complex in Cornbrook, Manchester, England which operated from 1979 to 2008. The park was located in the heart of Manchester city centre adjacent to Harry Ramsden's.
The tour attracted over 5 million visitors, but visitor numbers were waning by the late 1990s due to some health and safety violations by staff members.
2022-05-0930 min
slanderhourSemi - GhostCome nose to nose with sharks and turtles and prepare for astonishingly close views of everything from humble starfish to magical seahorses.
Discover the beautiful tropics of Stingray Bay, or the humidity in our dense Rainforest Adventure, go beneath the waves in our underwater tunnels or pop up in our bubble tanks and say hello to our clownfish!
2022-05-0227 min
slanderhourSemi - TiredI'm tired mate.
I'm exhausted with trying to please you, with trying to second-guess you.
I think it's the best part of a decade we've known each other, and yet it turns out I didn't know you at all. You're the tin man, mate.
You've got not heart, mate.
You never made it to the emerald city.
You're just sat in the enchanted forest. Rusting.
Tired. Like me. Tired as fuck.
2022-04-2524 min
slanderhourSemi - CrankChev Chelios (Jason Statham), a hit man wanting to go straight, lets his latest target slip away, then he awakes the next morning to a phone call that informs him he has been poisoned and has only an hour to live unless he keeps adrenaline coursing through his body while he searches for an antidote.
2022-04-1844 min
slanderhourSemi - ReachWhen the world, leaves you feeling blue
You can count on me, I will be there for you
When it seems, all you hopes and dreams
Are a million miles away, I will re-assure you
We've got to all stick together
Good friends, there for each other
Never ever forget that
I've got you and you've got me, so
Reach for the stars
Climb every mountain higher
Reach for the stars
Follow your heart's desire
Reach for the stars
And when that rainbow's shining...
2022-04-1127 min
slanderhourSemi - MetaIT was a chilly November afternoon. I had just consummated an unusually hearty dinner, of which the dyspeptic truffe formed not the least important item, and was sitting alone in the dining-room, with my feet upon the fender, and at my elbow a small table which I had rolled up to the fire, and upon which were some apologies for dessert, with some miscellaneous bottles of wine, spirit and liqueur. In the morning I had been reading Glover's "Leonidas," Wilkie's "Epigoniad," Lamartine's "Pilgrimage," Barlow's "Columbiad," Tuckermann's "Sicily," and Griswold's "Curiosities" ; I am willing to confess, therefore, that I now felt a little...
2022-04-0427 min
slanderhourSemi - HeartNever give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight …
2022-03-2824 min
slanderhourSemi - EggsWhen you kill it at the edge of the pan, you don't notice
That the egg grows an eye in death.
It is so small, it doesn't satisfy
Even the most modest morning appetite.
But it already watches, already stares at your world.
What are its horizons, whose glassy-eyed perspectives?
Does it see time, which moves carelessly through space?
Eyeballs, eyeballs, cracked shells, chaos or order?
Big questions for such a little eye at such an early hour.
And you – do you really want an answer?...
2022-03-2126 min
slanderhourSemi - BanterAnon to drawen every wight bigan,
And, shortly for to tellen as it was,
Were it by áventúre, or sort, or cas,
The sothe is this, the cut fil to the Knyght,
Of which ful blithe and glad was every wyght;
And telle he moste his tale, as was resoun,
By foreward and by composicioun,
As ye han herd; what nedeth wordes mo?
And whan this goode man saugh that it was so,
As he that wys was and obedient...
2022-03-1430 min
slanderhourSemi - ScotlandBeautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.
’Twas about seven o’clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem’d to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem’d to say—
“I’ll blow down the B...
2022-03-0729 min
slanderhourSemi - NeedYeah
Wanna know what it's like (like)
Baby, show me what it's like (like)
I don't really got no type (type)
I just wanna fuck all night
Yeah-yeah, oh-whoa-whoa (oh, ooh, mmm)
Baby, I need to know, mmm (yeah, need to know)
I just been fantasizin' (size)
And we got a lotta time (time)
Baby, come throw the pipe (pipe)
Gotta know what it's like (like)
Yeah-yeah, oh-whoa-whoa
Baby, I need to know, mmm
What's your size? (Size)
Add, subtract, divide ('vide)
...
2022-02-2825 min
slanderhourSemi - WantWhen I was twelve, I wanted a macaw
but they cost hundreds of dollars.
If we win the lottery? I asked.
Macaws weren’t known to be great talkers,
but they were affectionate.
Yes, my mother said. If we win the lottery.
I was satisfied, so long as it wasn’t impossible.
The macaw would be blue.
2022-02-2130 min
slanderhourSemi - CabbageAnd now as the iron rinds over
the ponds start dissolving,
you come, dreaming of ferns and flowers
and new leaves unfolding,
upon the brash
turnip-hearted skunk cabbage
slinging its bunches leaves up
through the chilling mud.
You kneel beside it. The smell
is lurid and flows out in the most
unabashed way, attracting
into itself a continual spattering
of protein. Appalling its rough
green caves, and the thought
of the thick root nested below, stubborn
and powerful as instinct!
But these are...
2022-02-1427 min
slanderhourSemi - The ShitsQuietly he read, restraining himself, the first column and, yielding, but resisting, began the second. Midway, his last resistance yielding, he allowed his bowels to ease themselves quietly as he read, reading still patiently that slight constipation of yesterday quite gone. Hope it’s not too big bring on piles again. No, just right. So. Ah! Costive. One tabloid of cascara sagrada. Life might be so. It did not move or touch him, but it was something quick and neat. Print anything now. Silly season. He read on, seated calm above his own rising smell.
2022-02-0725 min
slanderhourSemi - LoneLone sounds the name and interesting like the game
Lone gives you fame with no one to blame
It's like that but what can you say
That lone brings you shame of which you can't tame
Lone is not to blame but blame is to blame
Lone gives you facts to make your claim
Lone is the reminder, something to make you ponder
Lone is the victim but never the cause
Lone is today when none obeys
Lone is far and near
Lone is day and night
Lone...
2022-01-3126 min
slanderhourSemi - CarWell, today I just feel so confused
So battered + psychically bruised
All my friends talk of Collusion, ha,
Conspiracies just add to the Confusion
Like a pig pulls a cartload of sausages
Guess I'm drawing my own conclusion
I need a car that can get me around
Far from the city-dwellers AM sound
Commuters + computers,
Yeah, I'm just on more Polluter
But the Travel-bug has got me
And the buggers all have Taught me...
2022-01-2433 min
slanderhourSemi - BoxLittle boxes on the hill side, little boxes made of ticky-tacky.
Little boxes, little boxes, little boxes all the same.
There’s a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one,
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky, and they all look just the same.
And the people in the houses all go to the university
Where they all get put in boxes, little boxes, all the same.
And there’s doctors and there’s lawyers, and there’s business executives
And they’re all made out...
2022-01-1729 min
slanderhourSemi - YearIt was six years after the fact
that I became I
perhaps again, perhaps for the first time.
There was the suggestion
that I should mark each passage
with a commemoration
to what had been lost,
or survived,
words like redemption
but that was never I,
for I have nothing to apologise for
and I’ll take my time.
Simply put,
the days followed the days
...
2022-01-1035 min
slanderhourSemi - The PrizeWho is the man doing everything he can
The winner the winner
At the finish line first one every time
The winner the winner
He spends his life in a box
Of ideas he can use
But every night you can find him alone
A loser
Now he's won himself but he's getting nowhere else
The winner the winner
And he needs a friend cause it's getting near the end
The winner the winner
He sits at home with the toys
That he...
2022-01-0327 min
slanderhourSemi - PlotWhen Naboth's vineyard look'd so fine,
The king cried out, 'Would this were mine!'
And yet no reason could prevail
To bring the owner to a sale.
Jezebel saw, with haughty pride,
How Ahab grieved to be denied;
And thus accosted him with scorn:
'Shall Naboth make a monarch mourn?
A king, and weep! The ground's your own;
I'll vest the garden in the crown.'
With that she hatch'd a plot, and made
Poor Naboth answer with his head;
And when his harmless blood was...
2021-12-2726 min
slanderhourSemi - TeethNentis Nan, he’s my man,
I go do im each chanz I gan.
He sicks me down an creans my teed
Wid mabel syrub, tick an’ sweed,
An ten he filks my cavakies
Wid choclut cangy — I tink he’s
The graygest nentis in the lan.
Le’s hear free jeers for Nentis Nan.
Pip-pip-ooray!
Pip-pip-ooray!
Pip-pip-ooray!
Le’s go to Nentis Nan dooday!
2021-12-2028 min
slanderhourSemi - PansFrom the forests and highlands
We come, we come;
From the river-girt islands,
Where loud waves are dumb
Listening to my sweet pipings.
The wind in the reeds and the rushes,
The bees on the bells of thyme,
The birds on the myrtle bushes,
The cicale above in the lime,
And the lizards below in the grass,
Were as silent as ever old Tmolus was,
Listening to my sweet pipings.
Liquid Peneus was flowing,
2021-12-1322 min
slanderhourSemi - Body LanguageI was a boy walking tough, king of the street
Believed in making my own destiny, yeah
Victim of love, I made a promise that I'd never be
Another one of love's fatalities
Rule number one was running wild and always running free
Didn't need no luck, my guardian angel looking over me
You passed me by, I got the vibe, left me in disbelief
Arrow to my heart, at hurricane velocity
You pierced my emotional armour
Bolt of lightning couldn't hit me harder
You got my...
2021-12-0628 min
slanderhourSemi - Kanye West & Richard DawkinsIn this new podcast series, the Grammy Award-winning creative auteur Kanye West phones his favourite smart friend, the evolutionary biologist and author Richard Dawkins, to ask some very important questions...and some not-so-important ones.
Ye and Dawkins contemplate the wonders of science and the chaos of modern life while having many good laughs
2021-11-2930 min
slanderhourSemi - SoulMy Soul. I summon to the winding ancient stair;
Set all your mind upon the steep ascent,
Upon the broken, crumbling battlement,
Upon the breathless starlit air,
Upon the star that marks the hidden pole;
Fix every wandering thought upon
That quarter where all thought is done:
Who can distinguish darkness from the soul?
2021-11-2225 min
slanderhourSemi - DecisionsTwo roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept...
2021-11-1522 min
slanderhourSemi - John CleeseForking out more than £25million in divorce settlements across three failed marriages could leave anyone feeling extremely bitter about life.
It certainly seems to be the case for Monty Python star John Cleese, who has hit out at his ex-wives for costing him so much money - and prompted him to wish they would all die.
They are not the only women to incur his wrath, the star, 77, is not happy with his two daughters either - Camilla and Cynthia Cleese - as they have turned out like their mothers. He complained that he wished he'd nev...
2021-11-0835 min
slanderhourSemi - PainFaheem Rasheed Najm (born September 30, 1984),[1] better known by his stage name T-Pain, is an American rapper, singer, and record producer. His debut album, Rappa Ternt Sanga, was released in 2005. In 2007, T-Pain released his second album, Epiphany, which reached number one on the US Billboard 200 chart. His third album, Three Ringz, was released in 2008. The albums included a string of hit singles, including "I'm Sprung", "I'm 'n Luv (Wit a Stripper)", "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')", "Bartender", "Can't Believe It", and "5 O'Clock". T-Pain has earned two Grammy Awards, one with Kanye West for "Good Life" and the other with...
2021-11-0126 min
slanderhourSemi - JK RowlingMr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.
J.K. Rowling,
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
2021-10-2520 min
slanderhourSemi - DarkAre you afraid of the dark? I know I am.
Next time you're feeling trapped, remember that I'm scared too, and that we are both experiencing that feeling simultaneously.
Join me.
2021-10-1827 min
slanderhourSemi - TwilightAt the end of a winding path
A figure traipses a precipice,
Scowls beneath, towards shattered stones:
Hasty epitaphs for the inconsequentials
A plethora of Darrens & Margarets
Who choked down their last gasp
in counterpoint to the air
As it leaves their temporal ribcage
up towards the lift
to the scaffold
2021-10-1125 min
slanderhourSemi - ChuffedAre you a person who naturally smiles when experiencing little to zero emotion?
Do you class yourself as a 'foodie'?
Do you refer to your friends as a squad?
Do you have sideburns?
Do you present a podcast?
You may be suffering from CHUFFED.
2021-10-0423 min
slanderhourSemi - BraveRoll up, roll up! Who wants to buy some soap?
We've got all the soaps here Tommy.
We got the white soap, we got the brown soap. We got all sorts here.
'Av a peruse around son, pick which sort of soap you want, and when you're done, I'll be sat in the bistro.
I'm 'avvin a steak mate! Oy Oy!
2021-09-2728 min
slanderhourSemi - MeatHow much meat moves
Into the city each night
The decks of its bridges tremble
In the liquefaction of sodium light
And the moon a chemical orange
Semi-trailers strain their axles
Shivering as they take the long curve
Over warehouses and lofts
The wilderness of streets below
The mesh of it
With Joe on the front stoop smoking
And Louise on the phone with her mother
Out of the haze of industrial meadows
They arrive, numberless
Hauling tons of dead lamb
Bone...
2021-09-2023 min
slanderhourSemi - LogicThe Victorian Era provided the optimum conditions for the development of Logic through the marriage of mechanical development, ingenuity and an insatiable curiosity for the unknown and the strange. By the end of the 1900s, logic had developed a language and spectacle of its own, either residing within an act on a music hall variety bill or presented in a stand-alone show in venues such as the Egyptian Hall or the Royal Polytechnic. These two venues became uniquely associated with logic from 1873 to 1905 and provided the perfect platform for renowned logicians such George Alfred Cooke and John Neville Maskelyne.
2021-09-1321 min
slanderhourSemi - WeetabixIn British advertising in the 1980s, Weetabix anthropomorphized the biscuits, representing a group of 'street-wise' young teens, beginning as 'skinheads'. Their appearances on the packaging and associated publicity featured catchphrases such as "titchy breakfast cereals" to describe rivals, "nasty little w**flakes" to describe Cocoa Pops, and any pointed question from the media was met with the response "Neet Weet Mate", "OK!". The lead Weetabix, Helmut, was voiced by Bob Hoskins.
2021-09-0643 min
slanderhourSemi - MousetrapThe Mousetrap game, a long-time family favourite, is always good for zany action and lots of laughs. Scurry around the board collecting cheese and stealing cheese from other players, watch out for the trap! While kids are engaged in playing the Mousetrap game, they can also practice valuable skills in construction, cause and effect, and decision-making. As they interact with the trap, a working, multipart machine, kids can practice construction skills.
2021-08-3015 min
slanderhourSemi - White KnightsAre you a group of women going on holiday?
Do you wish it was socially acceptable to bring your spouse along to your hen do?
Do you need directions?
It sounds like you need to get yourself at least one, if not three, White Knights
2021-08-2323 min
slanderhourSemi - MagazinesRemember magazines? They were like the original Internet. You could find out about all sorts of stuff. Join us as we smear newsprint all over our hands and feel really nostalgic and delirious.
2021-08-1528 min
slanderhourSemi - SticklebrickStickle Bricks are a construction toy primarily intended for the people of Barnsley invented by Denys Fisher in 1969. The brand is owned by Hasbro, and as of 2016 is sub-licensed to Flair Leisure Products plc.
Several companies manufacture similar toys, not all of them compatible. Names for these toys include "Nopper", "Bristle Blocks", "Fun Bricks", "Clipo", "Krinkles", "Multi-Fit", "Juckle Choks", "Wokkle Buddy" and "Thistle Blocks".
Many recent sets also include other types of pieces such as heads, wings, patio doors, calves, wheels and teddy bear shapes.
2021-08-0926 min
slanderhourSemi - WokeYesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today it is Friday, Friday (partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
2021-08-0227 min
slanderhourSemi - Food“At this moment I bit into one of my frankfurters, and -- Christ! I can't honestly say that I'd expected the thing to have a pleasant taste. I'd expected it to taste of nothing, like the roll. But this -- well, it was quite an experience. Let me try and describe it to you.
The frankfurter had a rubber skin, of course, and my temporary teeth weren't much of a fit. I had to do a kind of sawing movement before I could get my teeth through the skin. And then suddenly -- pop! The thing burst in my mouth like...
2021-07-2630 min
slanderhourSemi - GangstersSee, the hardest thing for me was leaving the life. I still love the life. And we were treated like movie stars with muscle. We had it all, just for the asking. Our wives, mothers, kids, everybody rode along. I had paper bags filled with jewellery stashed in the kitchen. I had a sugar bowl full of coke next to the bed. Anything I wanted was a phone call away. Free cars. The keys to a dozen hideout flats all over the city. I'd bet twenty, thirty grand over a weekend and then I'd either blow the winnings in a week...
2021-07-1926 min
slanderhourSemi - Birds"The caged bird sings with a fearful trill, of things unknown, but longed for still, and his tune is heard on the distant hill, for the caged bird sings of freedom."
"And if I stay here with you girl, things just couldn’t even be the same, ’cause I’m as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change."
2021-07-1231 min
slanderhourMark E SmithOften misrepresented, always misunderstood, Mark E Smith was a king amongst men, a noted polyglot; a wildly generous philanthropist that helped us found this very podcast.
Gone, but not forgotten.
2021-07-0524 min
slanderhourSemi - Crime 2: Son of CrimeSpider-Man swings through the air and sees something that's horrible as can be;
An arsonist is about to set a church on fire and I'm speaking truthfully.
Spider-Man lands on the ground so he can stop the arsonist, which is cool;
The arsonist is a total fool.
Spider-Man spins a web on the arsonist's lighter and snatches it away from the ******;
The arsonist is also a maggot.
When the arsonist sees Spider-Man, the punk tries to run away;
Spidey stops the arsonist by spinning a web on him and here are more things that I'll say.
When the arsonist is...
2021-07-0135 min
slanderhourSemi - DepressionWhen was the last time you got out your best china for depression coming round?
Why do you insist on pressing snooze so much?
Are you depressed or are you actually compressed?
2021-06-2820 min
slanderhourSemi - EfficiencyCustomers in my store had a sense of entitlement - they tried to get as much as they could from you beyond what is available. I found this ironic because it was in a hard-pressed area. However, this also meant you get some crafty customers as well who constantly tried to cheat the system - so you need to have your wits about you. Having said that, you get to recognise the regulars, and they can be a joy to serve.
An unnecessarily impatient customer, the know-it-all, the "customer is always right", and the clueless customer are the...
2021-06-2136 min
slanderhourSemi - AcademiaDo you long to learn? Do you wish to be an ACADEMIC?
In this episode, The Three offer a self-help guide for anyone with a desire for learning.
2021-06-0722 min
slanderhourSemi - Space"come here little one...tssch tssch tssch
do you want a treat little one? yes you do, come here and get a treat... tssch tssch tssch
you're big dad's favourite aren't you? yes you are.
come and get some kibble.
tssch tssch tssch "
2021-05-3119 min
slanderhourSemi - ShameYou wake up. You slouch off to the bathroom. You half-heartedly wash your face with the ferric liquid still left in the cistern. You long for warm water but somebody didn't pay the bills did they? You put the requisite pea-sized amount of Colgate on your index finger. You rub it in vain across your neglected gums. You cast your arid mind back to your last wholesome meal, the bucolic sound of cutlery being laid out at the dinnertable in the houseshare you used to live in.
You shit your underwear.
You smile.
You call in sick for work.
Forever.
2021-05-2422 min
slanderhourSemi - PhobiasWhat are you afraid of? Are you afraid of getting some on you? Are you afraid someone might tune into your smell? You do smell you know?
No level of hosing, scouring or ablution will ever rinse you pure.
Is that your fear?
Someone might notice that your body has odour.
2021-05-1721 min
slanderhourSemi - FailureThis week, The Three gouge away at failure.
In what is their most eagerly anticipated episode of the year, they look at the career of disgraced national treasure Olivia Coleman and try to quantify the depths of her descent into a sludgepit of despair and torment.
2021-05-1025 min
slanderhourSemi - CowboysDo you have a hobby? My hobby is being a member of my Neighbourhood Watch. Which is sort of like being a Cowboy, when you think about it.
I stand, bolt upright, surveying my cul-de-sac, allowing myself to blink precisely every 90 seconds.
I have developed a technique where I gulp in large quantities of air, almost as if I am taking a gigantic bite of the atmosphere so that any trespassers won't hear me breathing, heavily, against the bay window, which doesn't happen now, because of the breathing thing I just said.
I do...
2021-05-0319 min
slanderhourSemi - RegretI think it was Sir Alf Ramsey who once said 'It is better to have loved when lost than to have never lost anything at all'.
Well, I'm not sure what he was talking about specifically there, but it sounds like he was suffering from some level of Regret.
Regrets are not your fault, and they will get in you in the end. So accept it, and move on.
2021-04-2616 min
slanderhourSemi - OfYou are Of. We all are Of. Of isn't something you can just switch off, or even put on standby.
Before you were born, you were If.
All of your gametes are If.
But what came before If?
Probably more Of is what I say.
2021-04-1919 min
slanderhourSemi - The Hierarchy of ArtAdmit it, you've got a favourite thing.
My favourite painting? Gotta be Ophelia by John Everett Millais.
Favourite piece of music? Lark Ascending by Ralph Vaughan Williams
Favourite Designer? Alexander McQueen
Favourite Chef? Maangchi
Favourite Actor? Does it matter?
Read between the lines, please.
2021-04-1228 min
slanderhourSemi - The Birth of DirtypantzThe Birth of Dirtypantz tells the biographical story of Geoffrey Hayes (Kris Marshall), a Ticket Inspector in service with the Transpennine Express Train Company. After almost choking on a pineapple flavoured Jolly Rancher in 1979, Geoffrey awakens in 1977 to find himself working for a predecessor of the Transpennine Express, the First North Western/Arriva Trains Northern, and placed on gardening leave whilst he recuperates in The Cross Lane Hospital for the Mentally Handicapped, Scarborough.
2021-04-0528 min
slanderhourSemi - CrimeA fellow who’d spent his last dime
On a reference book about rhyme,
Wrote light verse day and night.
Some was trite. Some had bite.
But none sold, so he moved on to crime.
2021-03-2925 minslanderhourSemi - CanonInside you, as you read this, you are deciding whether or not to build a wall around this monologue. You can make several doors within your perimeter, and at any point, during any syllable, you can walk through a door and away, onto something else for your eyes to listen to, and for your ears to see. This is evidence of YOUR canon. We all have one, and it decides, collectively, where we go, what we see, and most importantly, what we leave behind. Canon is not us, but it is what we are trying to grasp and mould...
2021-03-2228 minslanderhourSemi - TrustWould you trust a psychotherapist with your life? Is trust implicit? Does it cease to be Trust once it is noticed?
What the bleeding hell is trust?
The Three explore the nature of Trust and what it means nowadays when you can't even trust your best mate these days.
S.LANDERHOUR
2021-03-1538 minslanderhourODDS/SODS #1Sometimes we start a conversation and it only lasts for 8 minutes.
Try limiting your words today. Say less. YOU CAN DO IT!!
2021-03-1208 minslanderhourSemi - GoldThank you for coming home
Sorry that the chairs are all worn
I left them here I could have sworn
These are my salad days
Slowly being eaten away
Just another play for today
Oh, but I'm proud of you, but I'm proud of you
Nothing left to make me feel small
Luck has left me standing so tall
After the rush has gone
I hope you find a little more time
Remember we were partners in crime
It's only two years ago
The man...
2021-03-0825 minslanderhourSemi - CyberboiThe year is the early nineties. Which is roughly as far away as it is to 2050. so it is a long time ago if you think about it.
The early nineties, for those not accustomed, was a place where you would either bash or be bashed. It was a very binary landscape and it would take one hero, Cyberboi, to break this cycle and lead us proudly into the new frontier of the analogue millennium.
2021-03-0123 minslanderhourSemi - ReebokThe Three discuss the rare ability to enter people's dreams and manipulate their subconscious. Their skills have made them a hot commodity in the world of philosophy and academia but has also cost them everything they love. The Three get a chance at redemption when they are offered a seemingly impossible task: identify a brand with seemingly no logo, no identity, and no status. If they succeed, it will be the perfect episode, but a dangerous, many-faced enemy anticipates The Three's every move.
2021-02-2234 minslanderhourInformationThe Three investigate the movement of information and how it explores our vacuoles as a method of transit.
Can we bend information by spotting it, trapping it, and limiting it to a function that is more submissive and cute?
Or does information Power-Bottom us into sloganistic, slavish, ersatz sandwichboard catwalk models?
Well, lets find out then....
2021-02-1522 minslanderhourBuildingsWe have all met many buildings in our time.
But have you ever considered that it is in fact the building encountering you?
These structures have always been there, etched into a psychic agreement with the movement of aphoristic non-linear sediment.
Your house drinks you. Water it well.
2021-02-0838 min
slanderhourSemi - Speak Your MouthWhen you speak, do you even think or what?
In the final moments of your life, is it best to keep it quiet, especially if you're in public?
This week, and in perpetuity, MS, GS & JJH will investigate the caverns between thought and speech.
Join us for the first of many gentle, soothing, and delightfully prosaic inquiries into pure, rock bottom NOWT.
2021-02-0128 min
slanderhourSam HarrisThere are many things that happen in a person's life that seem pre-determined. Perhaps there is even an argument that all life is pre-determined.
If this is so, then how does self-awareness and even this self-enquiry fit in?
Slanderhour has a lot in common with my rival Sam Harris.
We both claim to be truth sayers.
We both have spent the last few months in LA on retreat.
Most importantly, though, we both despise each other.
Sam Harris is a repugnant hobgoblin, a feckless wretch, and, after this absolute powerbomb of an exposé, finished.
As is this award-winning series of Slander...
2020-05-2257 min
slanderhourIdris ElbaIdris Fotheringay Elba was fortunate enough to be born in the second half of the 20th century.
A self-made man, he has forged a long and consistent career of playing mute heartthrobs, anabolic detectives and duplicitous criminals.
All of which amazingly came naturally to this humble Disc Jockey from the mean streets of Dagenham.
Catch Big Driis in the forthcoming Amazon Prime reboot of Peak Practice
Where he plays a maverick GP in Halifax in a classic fish out of water caper, arriving on all streaming platforms this Autumn.
Can...
2020-05-071h 22
slanderhourROTHKOEveryone knows about Mark Rothko, but not everyone knows everything about Mark Rothko. Today I present an investigative deep-dive through his tragic 'suicide' and into his origins as a young labourer sweating the coffee shops of New York for coin and inspiration.
Little did he know (or did he?) that the plastic claws of this world were striving to imitate him; and he was watched from afar by eyes less kind than his own. Join me today, with guest anchor Ed Harris, to explore that frightfully cleansed voidscape that is, was, and will be Mark Rothko.
2020-04-241h 40
slanderhourWhoopi GoldbergAll the way from working backstage on The Golden Girls to becoming our Golden Girl.
Take a journey with Whoopi Goldberg (and I) as, hand in hand, we delve deep into her upbringing on the charred sandcoasts of Africa; mining the juiciest nuggets form her latest and most comprehensive biography yet: 'The Wand of the Wallow and the Call of the Star Guns.
I have delivered this documentary ahead of schedule, as it makes sense for me to financially exploit the current increase in listenership due to worldwide panic and paranoia.
You're welcome.
2020-04-051h 22
slanderhourKierkegaard - Sex Addict!Soren Kierkegaard stars as a sleek young executive in old Copenhagen, and a single guy who is fanatically, even ecstatically, addicted to philosophy. It's an addiction that is strip-mining his personality of all recognisable human impulses. He is living in a hell that he has furnished and maintained himself, but it was made by willful moral incest. A clue to this lies in his desperately unhappy screwup of a father, Samuel, played by Carey Mulligan. To Kierkegaard's dismay, Samuel announces he is going to be crashing at his bachelor pad while following his dream of being a wool merchant...
2020-03-271h 05
slanderhourGeorge HarrisonThe year is 1975, The planet, Earth.
George Harrison is the same age as Christ when he was put to death for our sins.
In the midst of one of his most creatively fertile periods, Harrison has just composed perhaps his Magnum Opus: 'Bumpty Boo'.
As he plucks the final flourish on his double-necked sitar, he reclines deep within the embrace of his trusty Chesterfield, waits for the inevitable knock at the door, a drifts into a state of submissive tantra.
For more information about my documentaries, please visit @slanderhour on twitter.
2020-03-121h 11
slanderhourStephen Fry: On Being True FryA wise hen once said: 'An argument is never won, it is only lost by the company it keeps'
Stephen Fry would often say things like this throughout his long and illustrious lives.
Come with me upon a man's odyssey through the dogged receipt of information, jocund performance of other people's art, and ultimate destination as a firm, timeless, British cenotaph.
Keep up with my new works on twitter @slanderhour
and see you in 14 days my loves.
2020-02-271h 22
slanderhourThem Brontë SistersSeason 2, Episode One:
I visit the vaunted, corking town of Haworth, famed for its cobbled streets, foreboding neighbouring moors, and perhaps most notably, sisters Anne, Charlotte and Emily Brontë.
I discuss their heritage, their early works, their untimely demise, and ultimately, their posthumous success as some of England's top lady writers.
So join me as I journey once moor into the past and present you my own very accurate view of these people who lived and died once.
Join my discussion on twitter www.twitter.com/slanderhour
Yours Steadfastly,
Stephen Landerhour
2020-02-141h 24
slanderhourTamsin GreigAll things, even slanderhour, must come to an ending.
This fitting epsiode that ends this series of SH is dedicated to my favourite actor: Tamsin Greig.
She's brilliant, isn't she?
What can you say about Tamsin that hasn't already been said?
Well, that's the end of series one.
If there is enough demand, I may do some more.
I need to go away and have a think about who else is good.
Goodbye
Follow slanderhour @slanderhour on twitter and at www.facebook.com/slanderhour
XOXO
2019-02-251h 12
slanderhourNeil Kinnock (and the KINNOX!)This time, we take a long and tender look at the almost man of British Politics, Neil Kinnock.
From his prodigious student days (he helped discover Barium at University), to his socialist epiphany whilst meeting one of his heroes, Paul Robeson.
It's an emotional and action packed hour and its a fitting choice as the penultimate epsiode of series one.
For more about slanderhour, visit @slanderhour on twitter or visit www.facebook.com/slanderhour for more exclusive content.
See you around! xoxo
2019-02-111h 07
slanderhourDavid Attenborough and Richard AttenboroughThis week we analyse not one, but TWO famous lives:
The fascinating and untold intimate sibling alliance of Richard and David Attenborough.
From their early creative and surprisingly competitive years, to their growth into separate, personal success and mutual respect.
We have uncovered exclusive family tapes of both brothers speaking about the other in candid detail.
There is nothing as sacred as BROTHERLY LOVE.
For more details about slanderhour, please visit @slanderhour on twitter or www.facebook.com/slanderhour for more exclusive content.
See you next week!!! xoxo
2019-01-281h 15
slanderhourPatti SmithThis week we delve deep into the world of the enigmatic God-Mother of Punk: Patti Smith.
We look at her early, prodigious years as an aspiring poet and artist and follow her talismanic rise to pop superstardom, with some dramatic twists and turns through Philadelphia, New Jersey and finally, the Big Apple.
It's an emotional and touching tribute to one of the strongest characters to emerge from the artistic fulcrum that was New York City in the late 1960s.
For more exclusive slanderhour content, visit @slanderhour on twitter or follow us on facebook: ww...
2019-01-211h 13
slanderhourBill MurrayAfter last week's extra long and controversial Jim Belushi, we thought it only right to follow it up with a look at everyone's favourite lasagna obsessed cat, BILL MURRAY.
We take discuss his childhood, those casting near misses, and his big break at SNL where he rubbed shoulders with his idols and learned his endearing and signature dead-pan style.
For more news and exclusive content, follow slanderhour on twitter @slanderhour. Its the same on facebook if you want to follow us there and send us your memories of BILL MURRAY
2019-01-141h 11
slanderhourJim MorrisonIn this episode, we discuss the life and times of the wonderful, singular talent that was Jim Morrison.
For more information about slanderhour, follow us on twitter @slanderhour
See you soon!
2019-01-071h 17